End of 2021, Start of 2022

What a year, that's all I can say. At the beginning of all this, I wasn't sure at all about where I'd be and the end. 

I started in St Louis in Margolis lab training for H100.
I ended in Ann Arbor in Cascalho lab still training for H100.

What happened in between?!

I sold my house. I planned to leave St Louis lab and found my next job. I did something to my ankle that required surgery to fix. I saw a neurologist for my face and after numerous tests was given the impression that "we don't know" is all they can give me. I sold my house, moved to an AirBNB, had surgery, move to Ann Arbor to finish recovery. I went to Florida and the east coast with my new family. I came back to AA to start a job, PT for the ankle, and joined a gym to get back into shape. I honestly believed that I'd never really run again, yet here I am about to finish a 20 mile week!

Through it all, M and the other demons were right there. I swore after the head imaging to quit. I swore after the surgery to quit. I swore that moving would be the end of it, that M won't come to Michigan. Of course he did, and I've quit another 10-20 times. As of now, I'm 15 days in to another quit. What will it take to change this? 

I tried more keto, tried AIP, tried IF, tried W30 but it wasn't feasible, all failed. The 9 doesn't budge for a year now. I've found a coach who might be able to help, but how can it really be that hard?! Well look at the last 7 years of trying -- and where am I now?!

2022-- this is Hennepin or Bust. Whatever distance I end up doing, fine. But I need this race. I'm starting with an April marathon, then continuing through the summer. It's going to be a challenge, the new job and the new family and the new area -- all disrupt the habit I had in training. I'll miss weekends to travel. I'll miss Greenrock and Forest Park and Lost Valley. 

Or will I? Those places are littered with M. 

2022 -- I've said it before and I'll say it again. M has to go. 

Something happened to my rib, end of 2021

Mon I get a lion-hug and a rib is injured!
Tues RUN 6 miles at home
Thurs RUN 6 miles treadmill with rib hurting, only half mile additional of walking
Weekend goal MISSED RUN due to travel

Monday we had the kids at my parents. Early in the day, LA gifted me a lion-hug that I asked for. Yay! But then he tried to lift me up and his thumb pressed into a rib. I felt a big pop, he said he felt it too, and it was only a 5/10 pain maybe but the adrenaline was 8/10. I don't think it's broken? Displaced? Ugh. 

Tuesday I ran anyway. Up and down the N24th road to 6 miles. Felt great, the rib was mild. Running Lean answered me - he said he helps set up training and meal plans, but doesn't actually write them. So now the ball is back in my court. Do I need a coach? 

Wednesday I did nothing. I have a pattern going of run-nothing-run-nothing-etc and my steps pattern reflects it: 15K-5K-15K-5K-etc.

Thursday I went to the gym, my rib was hurting a lot more this morning, I was stiff and very more uncomfortable. The run was tough, but good for me. Transitioning between walking and running *hurt* but once I got going it was OK. Lots of walk breaks, just not mentally focused. My entire right side back is hurting, from being stiffened, or from compensating in the run, or from? This is like a flashback to previous injuries - the other broken ribs and the vertabrea.

Last night I set up 9 daily goals for the 9 Bees and the 9 Me and 9 I will lose with these goals. 

Friday - New Years Eve! Gosh I need to do my end of year write up! I need a Songlist! Yikes! 

Christmas week 18 miles - almost!

Mon ELLIPTICAL 1 hour
Tues RUN Treadmill 2x 3 miles, with 1 mile walking
Thurs RUN treadmill 2x3 miles, with 1.25 mile walking
Sun RUN 5.6 miles, at home

Strength training this week just ain't gonna happen. Two weeks now. Ugh.

Tuesday, my first 2x 3miles. I've done 6x 1 miles before, and 1x 5 miles. So the slow progression continues. I didn't have my headphones today, but I was just fine and enjoyed it. My right knee felt tight in the last minutes of the run. Rest!!

Weds morning LA came back from MO at 2am, no gym for me. LA instead.

Thursday a repeat of Tuesday, but instead of not having my headphones I didn't have my Garmin. Left it on the charger at home. But I was just fine and still walked to get my 10K steps aside from that! The last minute I sped up and up until I was just under 9m/m, and damn it felt like I was sprinting. That's not sprinting! I watched/listened (kinda, my mind wanders) to a watercolor video for a radish. I have time to watch, but not do. I'm still at work, 6pm, LA and MB doing and ELISA. 

I emailed RunningLean Patrick today, with a reply to his email of "ask me anything". I asked if he works with people like me. Waiting for a response. 

Friday I worked, xmas eve. Nothing else.

Saturday we drove to my parents, Sunday LA ran the first 2 miles with me then I ran on my own. I was so close to the 6 mile goal, but I was already over schedule and we had to be at dinner with my sis' family.

Great week! No issues. 

Summary of isolation week

Mon Nothing!! I did get a long afternoon walk in
Tues RUN 5 miles straight through, outdoors. 5.3 miles total
Weds BIKE indoor 18 miles
Thurs RUN 2x 2.5 miles, outdoors
Fri BIKE indoor 13 and then outdoor 4 with LA
Sat REST
Sun RUN 5 miles straight through, 5.7 miles total

Monday I spent working on getting data together for January. Lawyer shit. I know I said just yesterday that a W30 is needed, more for mental reasons and to get the damned dairy leak out of my life (and the potatoes I bought ugh) (and the bread, and the rice). But I haven't committed to it yet. 

Tuesday I delayed my run so LA could join me on his bike, I think we both need more outdoor time like this. In the end, he didn't join me. I did the run in the afternoon on my own, doing a loop south from the house to Scio, then east. It was warm for December and windy, but Oh So Nice to be outside! And weird to be running in the middle of the day! I was stiff afterwards, and realize that I need to me more flexy.  The repetitive running is not a good way to build up the body. Some run data: The miles were between 10:30 and 11:00, chest HR in the 140s, and the cadence 169ish. 

Wednesday it was warm but more windy, and I debated - in or out. I decided on in. So down to the New Bird for 18 miles in just over an hour. Nice! I'm looking at my dry erase board of plans and seeing that I'm not really following my plans - those idealized times of PT and strength building and etc. Swimming? Ha!

Thursday another run, this time I paused to walk at 2.5 miles. Just so happened to be a quick uphill, and it seemed a good thing to do. I also worked more on "laterals" - side steps and curbs and movements that were less repetitive just running. Here's some data from the run: same 10:30-11:00 pace and chest HR in the 150s?! Why so high? 

I wrapped presents Thursday night and had a good IF going until Monster. Why?!?!?

Friday I was stressed out, didn't get to finish my bike ride, feeling again like I couldn't get anything done and the days were too short. I was out picking up foods and listening to a podcast that asked me to think seriously about -- what/where/who/how do I want to be come January 2nd? Do I want to wait until January to make changes? No! Change Now! So I did. I didn't buy the gfree breads, no more cheese, no more rice cakes, peanut butter stuff, baking mixes. I bought more fruit and veg instead. And starting in that drive, I held to it all weekend. M, working on it. M likes sweet potatoes for now.

Saturday rested. Kinda.

Sunday, LA had to leave in early afternoon, and once he left and my overfilled from M1 belly cleared I went for a run on Wagner road west of the house. Along a not-really bike late against traffic. This felt great! And my HR by chest was lower for this run, after being too high for the previous ones.

15 miles, all good. 18 next week. And back to the gym for GAINS. 

Summary of isolation week: Lots of sleep! Lots of munching and upset stomach. M. Running, riding, and no gym gains. 

297 days. My countdown math is off

Tues RUN 3 miles in 2x 1.5 miles intervals, total 4 miles

Weds BIKE indoors 1 hour

Thurs RUN 3 miles same as above

Fri BIKE indoors 1 hour

Sat REST

Sun RUN 6 miles out of 7, outdoors

NUMERICS for 6 hours

BIKE 32 miles indoors

RUN 12 out of 15 miles

COMMUTE 3.5 only!

Rest week! And no commute due to snow. And no strength due to LAs morning schedule not fitting in with mine just yet. 

And then a positive test for coronavirus that changes everything for next week. Ugh

On Monday I felt a piece of tooth or filling fall out while flossing, and Weds morning I woke up with a left-sided stiff jaw, unable to open my mouth all the way, and pain in my cheekbone. But not in the tooth I thought the chips came from. A dentist says he can feel a "mass" in my cheek and referred me to an oral surgeon. So Thursday I was distracted by this - it's a lot of mental energy to deny something that's right in your face bothering you!

But then Thursday evening LA got a positive test, and he took me in to get a test. I'm asymptomatic!! But Friday my test came back positive.

We were originally going to be in MO to see the kids, but denial and coronavirus changed everything. So I was off work Friday anyway for the trip to MO. And now I'm off work all next week. Ugh. 

Friday night I went shopping and got baking mix, rice cakes, PB, more. And over the weekend threw most of it out, M some garbage some. During the Sunday run, I think I need to W30. Then after the Sunday run I think I can't make it work.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. And nothing is changing. 

2 Years Passed, and 300 Days To Go

ELLIPTICAL 60 mins
COMMUTE 3.5 miles in bound only

No time for strength session, LAs work schedule different this week and he was at the house until 6am. Elliptical was elliptical, what more to say? 

The commute was a halfer because of afternoon snow. The reasons to not run are cold, dark, rainy; the reasons to not ride are cold, dark, and icy!

I'm listening to a new to me podcast by a "master life coach and nutritionist". Learning about discipline, self sabotage, and the mental issues runners can have. 

Nothing Changes, If Nothing Changes

Sunday RUN 4.5 miles out of 6.5

Week total of 13.5 mile running out of the 18.3 total. Next week goal: 10 miles rest?! Already?! I just rested! Ah but I see in my notes, that this next week is the week I try to go from walk/run to run/walk. After the rest, 15 miles week. 

Hopped on the treadmill and got right into it. I took the 10 minute/0.5mi WU I usually do, then I didn't seem to need the slow build into running. I just started running.

I coulda run outside, but it was cold, and I was stressed, and I just didn't need it.

No Commute this week either. Next week!

Would a coach be able to help me, would it be helpful?

Weds ELLIPTICAL 60 mins
Thus treadmill RUN 4 miles out of 5.5

Skipped strength sessions because I needed to get home (to LA, and..., haha)  and skipped the commute because we were driving together. A bit of a sin today, because it's upwards of 50F, sunny, and drier. Oh well. 

Today's run felt great, no comments, stayed lower than my limit as planned. Although the initial plan was for only 3 miles...

I've been listening to more podcasts lately, and found one guy who is a coach for sports nutrition. And I wonder, would someone like this be able to help me? His 6 steps are what I listened to on the treadmill today: eat real food, don't snack, strength training, fix the mental problems, lower stress, and of course hire him as a coach. Summary: low carb, some IF, change the habits and problems with food, etc. 

Nothing changes, if nothing changes is what he said. 

It's been a year now of trying and trying to get back to fitness. OK sure, surgery put a lot into pause, I had a terrible stress and M problem this spring, but now for weeks I'm trying to improve body composition without any change. I added in cardio, and added food to compensate, so no change means no change? 

I'm eating more variety than before. I've figured out that tapioca starch is bad for the gut (gas and cramps). I'm still learning. But I'm still spinning my wheels with no progress for the past few months. What do I expect? What do I want? And what would he be able to do for it? 

Found my current upper limit

RUN Treadmill 6.2 miles, ran 5 miles of that
STRENGTH 20x 1-minute intervals, upper body, increased weights
NO COMMUTE! More over night snow

I'm back to my habit of early morning, happily! And it's working even though LA is not going into work early. That's what started this habit - I was getting up early with him. 

My goal this week is 15 total miles of run/walk, with 10-12 miles running. After last Saturday's left ankle injury I was hesitant to put a longer run this early in the week, but after realizing that my weekend might be disrupted with travel my plan of a 3+5+4+1.... checking my file in the Drive...

Ooh last week was supposed to be a 15 total miles, but I only reached 12.5. So hmmm.... how do I alter this week for that, cuz now this week was gonna be 18 miles....and I rest next week.... thinking. 

Let's do this: 6 today, 5 Thursday, and 5 Saturday for a total of 16 miles. And run 5+4+4 for a total of 13 running miles. See how it goes. If Saturday feels great, walk another 2 miles to get to 18. That seems like a good plan, since I only ran 11 miles last week. 

Today felt great, I did the first interval as 2 miles, varying the speed from 5.0 to 6.0. The next 3 miles were 1 mile intervals. I really felt the fatigue in the last half mile of the last interval. And a sharp niggle appeared in the left foot. So I slowed wayyyyy down to 4.0 speed. Couldn't bring myself to walk the last 0.2 miles of the interval??!!

So 6 miles is my current "long run". 

The right ankle felt OK, a bit stiff the rest of the day. I'm still noticing that my right and left legs feel different on the treadmill, but I can't pinpoint how or why. Sometimes the left leg feels heavier. 

H100: Set Your House In Perfect Order

Right before leaving for Nashville Turkey Week, I received the registration email from Hennepin. It had my 2019 credit waiting to be used, and now I again had the chance to sign up and prepare.

This isn't the email I had in mind for this - my hands are nervous for some reason, hard to type.

Well anyway, I waited on clicking the Register link until I'd decided that I was mentally ready to commit to this. Not commit to the race, but commit to me. Because until I change me, 2019 can happen all over again. That was hell. 

The pull towards that hell is still there, but the chaos of it is gone. 

So I waited a few days. Did the run in Kenlake and fell, and right after I fell of course I'm mad at myself. And I'm talking out loud to no one but me. Cursing myself. Frustrated and upset and hurt. 

I told myself, that Gawd only left me because I left myself. In 2019, I lost myself and I left myself. As the song goes, I know the pieces fit 'cuz I watched them fall away.

2019 H100 was lost to injury, because of that hell.
2020 H100 was a COVID year, and I was too injured then too, not recovered. Not changed.
2021 H100 was COVID and injury (ankle), and I'm still not recovered. But I'm changing. 

In the midst of my cursing and frustration, I realized - I need to set my house in order.

To finally get to this race, to finally see the start line and before I can even think about the finish line - I need my house in perfect order. 

Balrog 914 days.
Monster 10 days.
Azuc 14 days. 

Still Blerch. Still Sabotage. Still the urge and the desire and the pull. A black hole pit into Moria. 

I've done this maybe a million times. Telling myself - this is it. Back in ...October...?.... I started this "one year thing" and gawd dammit I'm not starting it over, but I'm still on it!

What's next? December. In October I got the habit back of being a gymrat, got my mileage up to a nice 7 miles of running. In November I was up/down on the Moria habits but I kept up and got to 11 miles of running.

December: The goal is 20 miles total a week of walk/run/jog. I don't have a specific run mileage goal yet. 

That's great and all, but what about the rest of it? Keep going. Just keep going, one day at a time. 

Turkey week: As if Gawd had left me....

 Monday RUN 4 miles out of 5, 
     STRENGTH 20 mins of upper
Tuesday ELLIPTICAL 1 hour (this was different shoe day, haha)
     STRENGTH 20 mins of core
Wednesday nothing? 
Thursday RUN most of 5 miles in Kentucky trail, fell!
Friday Does waterpark count as a swim?
Saturday RUN 2 miles of out 2.5 treadmill, up to 6.0!
       SWIM haha maybe 100 yards of play
Sunday again nothing, barely 2500 steps

And when I say 20 mins, I mean 20x 1 minute intervals, with 1-20 seconds of rest. I keep debating, do I say it's a 30 min session when I only did 20 actual minutes? 

Turkey week retrospective, all travel and making the best that I could of it.

One note - I was running in Kenlake Park, planning an easy walk-the-hills 4-5  miler before we started travel again. I'm alone on the trail, light rain and jewel-raindrops on the leaves around me. My mind is tumbling over kids stuff, and the conversation I had with AB and VL the night before. Around 3.5 or 4.5 miles (I forget) in to the run, over absolutely nothing I could see, I tripped and fell. All the way down. Right elbow, right knee, left ankle. 

The stupid part of it, my mind was wandering on how to say something to the kids, and my stupid shit head had a thought of "I felt as if Gawd had left me" (referring to the 2018-2019 era) and I fucking kid you not it was as if Gawd fucking tripped me right at that moment. Shit you now, right then and there. Of course he didn't, but geez if I were him - I woulda tripped me!

Left ankle didn't bruise or swell, but later that night I was outright limping around Opryland and to the Thanksgiving dinner. Thank you Gawd (haha) that the next day it was an almost-nothing minor issue. Today, on Monday, there's a minor niggle on the lateral ankle that is probably some damage. Hopefully I can let it heal, or Gawd will leave me. 

No M 10 days. No Azuc 14 days. None. 

M is out. Azuc is out. Rice had to go out. Turkey is in! Haha.

 Quick summary of last week - 6:05 hours and

SWIM ZERO
BIKE  zero
RUN 10 miles out of 12.6
COMMUTE 21 miles
STRENGTH almost an hour
ELLIPTICAL 2 hours

Nice! All feels good. See title. 

Day of Rest. And end of LA's surgery weeks. Will my routine change? Full Moon day!

Driving to MO today, won't get a workout in. If I'm lucky, I'll get steps. If I'm still lucky, I'll get the short 3 mile run in tomorrow that I "need" for a 13 mile week.

The past 8-ish weeks I've settled into my routine: Up early with LA at 4am, some time with him until he leaves then chores. Around 530 I leave for the gym, I'm there until 7-730, then home for brekkie, shower, dog walk. If I'm on mental and physical schedule, I get to work by 9. If M is here, it's later. Ugh. 

Speaking of which, no M yesterday. Full moon today. And a partial eclipse.

I don't want my schedule to change, I'm into the early-gym thing and want to keep it going. 

Treadmill run 4.2 miles out of 5.4. Garmin says Unproductive!

RUN 4.2 miles in ~1 mile increments with a short rest between, total 5.4 miles
STRENGTH 20 mins of chest, back, arms (20x 1 min exercises)
COMMUTE 7 miles

I looked at the definition of "Unproductive" and instead of meaning just being lazy or junk miling, it can also mean doing way too much? But isn't that Overreaching? Whatevers. Tuesday's run and today's run were pretty similar in pace (about 5.0 mph today) and time and distance. The difference was that I wore the chest HRM today and got ave HR of 124. On Tuesday the run was the wrist HRM.

So I deem the wrist HRM to be the Unproductive partner in this. Not me. 

The run felt great, but a few niggles. The whole left hammie/hip niggle is gone, it came on after a leg strength training session about a month ago and haven't seen it since. But now that mild discomfort at what I would call the place were the plantar tendon attaches to the calcaneal bone. That's just my best way to explain it, that might not be the right thing. Now this isn't new. This hurt earlier this spring the same way - a mild pain now and then - and I feared PF or a stress fracture or a bone spur. I thought the surgery recovery would take care of it. But it's still there, I wouldn't say it bothers me or anything, until it does what it did today. 

Around the end of the 1st mile, it pinged enough that I thought I should walk! I kept it slow, waited, it went away. Now hours later, sitting here, it's fine. Last night going to bed, I was aware of it. And that's where it stands right now. Classic Niggle. 

No other niggles, no other issues. Unless I want to count the fact that the bottoms of my feet hurt lately, and walking barefoot is distinctly uncomfortable. 

Strength session was great! I'm feeling yesterday's core workout this afternoon, and given the shaky feelings I had in today's session I might feel that tomorrow too. I didn't push heavy weights, it was more the repetitive 3-4 minutes of similar exercises that accumulated fatigue. 

As for my feet hurting, I'm doing something like 17-20K steps a day, between elliptical or running and walking through the day. I've been talking a long lunch walk a lot lately. So keep an eye on this! And do I need new shoes for cushioning? My feet don't hurt during the run though. I looked yesterday at Brooks Adrenline 21's and learned that the 22's are coming out "soon". So the 21's might be discounted if I'm patient. 

M0 A1; 4 miles run on treadmill

RUN 4 miles out of 4.5, WU and CD 5 min walks, then short walk between the miles
COMMUTE 7 miles (assuming LA doesn't give me a ride home again

No Azuc yesterday:1
M today yesterday: 0 But no honey. Wraps n mix.

The run felt great, I sped up a little bit to 5.0, a little even at 5.3 mph. My stride rate was great at low 170s. I didn't wear the HRM so I only have wrist data, which means I don't have good data. 

The rest of the day - felt OK, and I didn't feel the run. I just felt the normal tightness I get after sitting awhile. All good!!

Except the M.  

Yesterday: Overreaching. Today: Unproductive. Huh?

ELLIPTICAL 60 mins and 4.3ish miles, higher intensity than previous
STRENGTH 30 mins of core, 20x 1 minute exercises
COMMUTE 7 miles 

While I was waiting for the Connect to update today's workouts, I saw that it graded yesterday as Overreaching. An hour on the treadmill, half commute, and 15 mins of upper strength.

Today, I'm graded as Unproductive, for an hour on the elliptical, 30 mins of core, and (so far) half a commute. Da Fuq, Garmin? haha. Overreaching and Unproductive, not in my vocabulary.

There's a lot of data in the Connect collection, if I were to use it. Some of it seems poorly-defined -- body battery? -- stress? But sleep is good: 7.5-8 hours lately. Steps: getting 20K a day, my daily goal today is 16K (based on last 7 days average plus some). Others I don't track. Hydration. Menstruation. haha

Yesterday was day 2, no Azuc. Today hopefully Day 1 with no M. It's all gone how, to the curb so to speak. 

Been reading about ABoone lately. Thinking about my 9 Bees. Is that future B? I read about how she used to get on an elliptical and "murder it". That was my motivation today!

I reset counter. It was never 170 days. And now it's Zero.

Monday ELLIPTICAL 1 hour
COMMUTE 7 miles, it was cold and wet but not bad at all

I was supposed to do 30 mins upper, but I lost time due to bathroom and Moria. Moria was the pre-I-promised against. 

I had a counter going of a lie, that said about 170. I reset it and cleaned it up. 172-27=145. But now it's only a couple of hours. This way of thinking needs to be stopped. My head can't keep going like this. 30 days of NONE. 

This week is 13 miles total run/walk. 1-2 weeks ago at this distance I did 9.9 run and the rest walking. Stick to that again this week. Put the longer run on Thursday, since this weekend is a travel week. 

So the plan is another 4+4+5 total, with something like a 3+3+3 run. 

Get your head together. Treat yourself like you're someone you're responsible for treating. Get your house in orde. 

Monster Azuc Pendulum

Actual RUN was 7 miles, in a rest week GOOD!

The numerics feel low, I'm still eager to ramp back up to "normal". There is no normal, forget about it. Find the new normal. 

Good week, I was fearing that I did too much last weekend on my "long trail run", as my feets would get painful and tight after not moving for awhile. They'd loosen up, but the pain was a constant reminder. What if I get a stress fracture? What if I break something else? What if...? 

The second run of the week was outdoors around the neighborhood. My sense of distance over time is off, I'd keep expecting the miles to come faster than they were. My brain and body expected the 1-mile lap beep too soon, it's a drag to feel so slow. But I love it anyway. 

I'm dodging the M topic, the A topic, the idiocy of it. Fucking stop. 

Rested the Negativity, but not the M

 Rest day! COMMUTE 7 miles. 

Didn't go to the gym, I stayed home to get stuff done. I managed to finish a letter to mama in Russia and a W&P chapter to the kids. And I found that the gfree muffins were 2x the servings I thought, and M took them from me. I can't read? 

I've been trying to reintroduced rice and gfree bread stuffs. If I don't overdo it, my stomach handles it OK. Too much = gas and cramps. Just enough = a little gas and lotsa 'bulk' each morning! I'm beginning to wonder, if it's not always food that throws my gut off course? I dunno, I just keep trying to figure it out. 

M today got the muffins. Good for him. Bad for me. Last night I tried buckwhead, so did he. But he didn't get much at all. 

M comes back, or tries to. And things need to change.

Monday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins
              STRENGTH 25 mins all upper

             COMMUTE 7 miles

Tuesday ELLIPTICAL 60 mins!

              STRENGTH 25 mins core

             COMMUTE 7 miles

Wednesday TREADMILL RUN 3 out of 4.2 miles, as 4x 0.75mile(0.25) at 4.5 mph

             COMMUTE 7 miles

My feets were still hurting from Saturday's 'long run', not an injury pain but rather a re-adapting fatigue pain, the soreness attributed to having worked a bit too hard. So I reworked the schedule to get an extra day of running rest, and instead of on Tuesday I ran on Wednesday. Then I didn't come into the Weds run with any more of a plan than "keep it easy, only 2 miles". Naturally, when I got there it all felt too good, I was listening to Tool's Fear Inoculum, and decided on running a mile then walking a quarter mile. Then I changed it to 3/4 mile run. Because it's rest week. But I didn't change the pace -- 4.5 mph.  Hold it there awhile. I like this, it feels good and energizing and I'm seriously considering running to work here soon. 

The strength training is paying off too, I notice it on the bike and in how I move throughout the day. I'm stronger, and the workouts don't leave me weak and sore for days. I've bumped up to a 30 minute session (from 20) and since I do it as 60s (20s), it's really a ... 22-23 minutes of actual work. OK maybe 20 minutes of actual work since I skip some of the less-than-fun 60s intervals. I like it, I like how it feels and how it's changing me. 

What I don't like is how after 160 days M keeps popping up, like a mole that needs to be Whacked. Except I don't whack him, I entertain him and feed him. Welcome him and give him space. This needs to change. NOW. 

What also needs to change is the negative dialoging, as it spills over on to LA. I hear criticism in my head of me and of more me and more more me and I redirect it, I think that's what I do, and instead of pointing at me I point at somebody else and it's not going to work that way. Nothing will work that way. Why the critique of me in my head? Why the critique of him? Why critique? 

Set your house in order. 

There are trails right near my house!!

Friday REST
Saturday RUN 4.5 miles out of 5.3, in about 65 mins
Sunday BIKE 10 miles on Liberty with LA

I didn't mean to run 4.5 miles, but I did. I stuck to 0.5 or 1.0 increment intervals, but really meant only 3 miles running and 2 miles walking. But it felt good and I did it and I found some great trail so close to the house in Greenview Park. You didn't even know you were in an urban area, just tall trees with yellow leaves and a soft dirt trail.

I mildly turned the right ankle around mile 3, slight twinge, but it didn't hurt for that. Afterwards both feet had pained tendons and soft tissues, and the medial incision area on the right ankle hurt the most. Here on Monday it still hurts, but it's not an injury. So far so good.

This coming week is a rest week, and instead of running Tues/Thurs I might wait until Weds/Fri to really let this heal and adapt. 

The ride was with LA on his new mountain bike, fresh out of a tune up at REI. What a joy to be able to ride with him, something I've been doing alone for the past few years. 

It was an unseasonably warm weekend, might be our last. And we made the best of it.  

Wasting time at work looking for running routes

Wednesday BIKE 18? miles in 60 mins, indoors
     COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday RUN 2.7 miles out of 4, as 3 min (1 min) at 4.5mph
     STRENGTH 20 mins up all upper
     COMMUTE 7 miles

I'm feeling good about running again - I'm searching for local races and looking for routes around the house. I'm happy to find a few nature trail type things, not as happy to know they are *only* half a mile from the house. 

Today's treadmill run felt better than Tuesday's, the same interval pattern. My HR didn't drift up in the late intervals, it stayed steady at 133-136. The spm was great in the low 170s. So running at 4.5 mph is great for now, as much as I'd like to speed up, that's not the goal yet. 

I found an April marathon in Toledo, it's penciled in to the calendar. I found a trail race but it might be on the same weekend, and the course is "tough", meaning maybe not favorable to a new ankle. Things might change my then, and the new ankle is just my ankle. 

I modified my upper body strength time to 30 minutes, then skipped a few of the exercises. So it was maybe a 25 minute session? With 20 mins of actual work. Give or take. My arms were weak afterwards! Yes!

LA biked to work to day, and I might get to bike home with him!! I'm looking forward to it, even if we don't get to ride together, I at least got to look forward to the possibility all day :) 

Did not skip core today

TREADMILL 4.0 total, 2.7 miles run as 3 mins @ 4.5 with 1 min rest
STRENGTH 20 mins core
COMMUTE 7 miles

It's getting cold out. 38F this morning on the way to the gym! And the sun doesn't appear until 8:10am, it goes away at 6:27pm. Thought that was bad? Next week it still doesn't come up until 7:10am but then disappears and 5:27pm. UGH.

My goal this week is a total of 13-14 miles of run/walk/jog/etc. I'm still doing indoors because of the dark and because it keeps me going slower. I'd speed up otherwise. I'm eager to get to 5.0 mph. But right now it feels good at 4.5 and my spm rate is super great at 168-174! My HR seems too high though for the effort, another reason to keep it easy?

And while running today the fears of getting a stress fracture or other did-it-too-fast injury came back in my head. It all feels so good right now, but when that niggle appears it's crushing. 

The run felt great, and the ankle was a little stiff/sore later. But not in an injured sort of way. The core workout was something I almost talked myself out of. I'd showed up 'late' to the gym, 15 mins off my schedule, but I'd built in extra time so I kept to it. Geez, that woulda been two days in a row that I avoided something. And then when I'm done, I realize that my "20 min" workout is really 15 minutes, because 1 min (20s) means 15 1-minute intervals and 14 20-second rests. While I'm happy to say "only 20 minutes" because it's so doable, I either need to up the energy in these sessions or lengthen them. Happily, I don't get so sore as I did the first two weeks. But am I not sore because I'm adapting or because I'm not working?!

I did the math - 30 minutes would be 22.5 sets. Fixing....a 30 second rest would give 20 full sets. And that would be my "20 minute session"!

-------

I set up 9 goals yesterday to help highlight some spots that need fixing in the day. I love checking boxes, this is just another way to do it. So far today - nailing it. 

November goals

ELLIPTICAL 30 mins 2.2 miles
STRENGTH upper body, 20 minutes
ROWING because I avoided the pool, 20 mins
COMMUTE 7 miles in my new red coat

I woke up with goals and immediately failed them. That's not to say November is shot, but more that just saying I want to do something doesn't always mean it will happen. Sucks.

"Treat yourself like someone you were responsible for helping"

I got stuff done this morning before leaving for the gym but it included nom'ing the fig/almond cake (that will certainly upset my stomach later) and then nom'ing egg whites 'because the book said to eat some protein' and then at the gym my stomach was still growling. 

I skipped the pool, I'm now twice rejecting a swim, and rowed instead. I came home cold and hungry and instead of a shower I nom'ed M1 standing at the counter. Then nom'd something else, then a late shower, then a cold walk, then more nom'ing. Didn't go good. I'm too full now, and do I really need lunch? I'm craving salt and I'm thirsty. And I was avoiding going back out into the cold - 37F this morning! 

So here I am looking at November goals and I see yet another need for check lists and boxes? Yup. I came up with 8 goals for each day - 8 check point goals to keep me from doing this morning all over again. Will it work? I dunno. 

I'm also committing to getting back to what I call HA-Era Bee. I know what that means, it means 8. Only 8!! 90 Days. Go!!!

LA has new bikes! End of October: mileage goals met

Friday rained out and too busy of a day
Saturday busy day and missed a ride opportunity
Sunday: RUN 4 miles on treadmill, extended to 3 minute intervals. Run was 2.4 miles
BIKE 5 miles with LA on his new MTB bike

WEEK NUMERICS 4:43 hours (excludes commute time)
SWIM 0
BIKE 5.03 miles
RUN 12 miles, as walk 5.1 and run 6.9
COMMUTE 21 miles
STRENGTH 40 minutes
ELLIPTICAL 30 mins

I finally recovered by the end of the week, feeling back to normal energy-wise. But my gut is still hair-sensitive and I'm not happy with how it feels. I'm also not happy with the emotional wreck it makes me into. Grocery shopping makes me anxious, meals out are avoided, and I feel a sense of being left out lately. So at WholeFoods Saturday I bought some GF bread, mixes, etc to add those into my routine. I'm wondering if I'm in the so-called mid-lands of carb amounts: Not low enough to be keto yet not high enough for fueling. So I'm adding in more fruit and some of these foods if they work. 

I tried a few things (too much, I admit, the mixes are a shit headed M idea) and ended up with gut cramps by the end of the day and through Sunday. One serving! Only!

We shopped at REI on Saturday - I got a bright brick red rain coat like I've been wanting (the rain coat part, not necessarily the red) and LA got cycling shoes and bibs. Lotsa money -- oof -- but the gear lasts for years for me. Then we took LA's new bike and Puppy out to Liberty for a ride, only 5 miles (chilly wind and a kids call took the warmth out of me) but it was great to have someone to ride with. He was a bit testy during the ride not sure if it was the phone call or something I did or both (he blamed me for it) but I still enjoyed it 

Recovered from weekend fatigue, but not from stomach issues

Weds: TREADMILL 2.2 mile run as 120 (60)
           STRENGTH Arms and shoulders 20'

           COMMUTE 7 miles

Thurs: ELLIPTICAL 30 mins and 2.2 miles
           STRENGTH Core 20'

           SWIM skipped

           COMMUTE 7 miles

The run was 2 minute intervals and I did 4.5, 5.0, and 5.5 mph pace. I'm not sure I calculated the distance correctly, but the general idea is correct. The ankle was fine, a bit talky later but minor bother during the run. It was a bit of a brain fog run. 

I didn't give a run-down of my gut last few days yet, and since I'll be mentioning it here I should probably review it. Friday T=6 after being "sick" the last 2 days. Then travel all day Friday and most day Sunday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday no BM. Then Tuesday morning T=7 a few times, and since T=6 since. It's Thursday! A week of this shit! No pun intended. 

This morning at the gym I just ran out of energy. I ate an orange before leaving, I usually eat nothing or an egg and the orange seemed to only make me hungry. Was it an energy rush then crash? Does an orange have that much sugar in it? Eh....

I finish my core workout which was sub-par and my head is flatlined. I go home instead of swimming, and once home I hurry through breakfast, nom some more including persimmons (what's the FODMAP status of those?) then end up shivering cold and tired. Up to shower (should have done that 1st) and since then just brain fog.

My gut is uncomfortable - feels full and crampy. Feel like I don't want to move. I gotta fix this. 

How?! 

Slept 9-10 hours, ahhhhhh

COMMUTE 7 miles

MORE ?

Probably not more. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal and there's a back log of things to get done. I stayed up 'late' last night to work on my to do list while LA slept. 10pm is not really late, but it was for me. 

I didn't mean to sleep in until 753am but I did! So much for a few household chores and walking the dog and a short at-home workout. I amazingly enough got out the door at 9am to bike in. I was feeling tired and cold and didn't want to bike, but I did and no regrets. It's not that cold (yet) and I woke up with the ride!

So the Choices I made for today were to just rest, relax, and re-do the to do list to be less frantic. Working good so far!

The plan for the rest of the week:
WEDS 60' treadmill, 20' upper
THURS 30' swim, 30' x-train, 20' chest/back
FRI treadmill as it feels good, 20' core
SAT/SUN long ride and long run, relatively

How's other things? No more gall/liver issues. My hammie/hip niggle is gone (hopefully!), and my ankle didn't stiffen up to hurt like it did a month ago in the last long road trip. Now it's just the fatigue, and getting my eating back to normal and not munchie. 

 

Happy Birthday Bee!

 Happy Birthday, Bee!!

What a day this is turning out to be. LA and I drove back from MO last night after seeing the kids. We arrive around 230am or so, bed by 3 or 330 am or so or whatever does it matter. It was raining then and it's raining now. So aside from being brain-dull, I'm off my "habits" because I didn't get to bike to work and took the bus instead. Further, I didn't get to walk my dog as she was picked up from the kennel right before I left for the bus. 

So - changes. Different Day, as I sometimes call it. And a day full of Different and Changes means different Choices. And I think that's going to be a theme for me for awhile.

Last night I listened to JBP on Sacrifice - the action of choosing to delay gratitude now in order to make a better future. That's what I need to focus on in the next few months. Making choices that benefit Future Bee. 

Chose to follow your plans for the day, to sleep and eat and move, to be grateful and open, to not sabotage or lie. The day is full of choices, as JBP would say the day manifests itself as a series of choices for you to make. And it's up to me to make the choices for the Future, for the Good and for the Betterment of myself. 

Today is a good example - I'm forcing choices for myself to make sure I keep moving when all I want to do it sit or sleep. Don't linger and eat because that's easier than doing something else and you mind thinks more food equals more energy. Today it won't. 

I've made and re-made my to do list a few times now, I keep adding to it and oddly the birthday present I'd want to have it clear by the end of the night! Then sleep. Lots of it. 

This is a disorganized post - it seems so clear in my head but doesn't translate today. 

And what a year this turned out to be! We then moved to MI on the same day I found out I needed ankle surgery, we continued living half -here/half-there until July when I finally left StL for a new house, a new job, and a new life. That new life, by the way, also includes 153 days of no Azuc and the slow rotting death of M. I tried the AIP to unknown/unsure benefit. I'm using a list of no-go's for me that includes no grains, sugars, alcohol, major starches. I'm better for it! It's hard though. No sushi!

I recovered from ankle surgery (152 days ago) and I'm running again! The recovery was up and down, I seriously had days in which I thought I'd never run again. I had days I didn't know that I even wanted to run again. But now it's like I can't get enough. Even though I'm dead-tired right now I would run if I could. 

And biking! LA bought two bikes yesterday and I might now have a new bike partner. That's how we started just over 2 years ago now - on bikes on the MCT, followed by sushi. I should get at least sushi worked back into my diet. 

Well, I need to get back to work, I'll come back to this as the next 12 weeks progress - the 12 weeks in which I'm committed to making better choices. Today - just too tired and I'm choosing to come back to this later!

5 days of rest, and the gall of it. Liver me alone.

Full rest Thursday due to fatigue, then rest due to travel Friday through Monday. It was so restful in fact that my daily step goal dropped to 9000 from 12000. Ugh. 

Thursday I was wiped out tired, like unreasonably tired. I took the day off. That night I came home and just crashed out, and went to bed with gut pain. That's so common for me, I don't really take note of it. But soon this turned into an under-the-diaphragm constant pain, like I was punched (not stabby or burning) that kept me awake most of the night. The one think I needed to do was sleep, and it was awful. 

I was hot, then cold, then hot, etc all night. But not feverish. I tried to keep from waking up LA, but I didn't succeed much. By morning he was worried and wanted to take me to the ER. But we had to leave soon to get the kids!? 

My denial was impossible. I didn't want to go to the ER or see a doctor, but he was convinced I had some gall bladder or liver issue. But the fact that I lacked other symptoms confounded us. No fever, no jaundice, nothing but the pain. And fatigue. I took a shower and laid down again, and kid you not started to feel better. WTF? He thinks a gall stone might have moved around, causing the problem then moving again and relieving the problem.

So I didn't go to the ER, had no further symptoms, and sorta only validated my reasoning for not going to see a doctor for this. But I think he's going to push on it, but I'll push back unless other symptoms appear. 

Also this weekend - LA bought two bikes!

Rest Day. Do you see the Dragon, or the Dragon's Hoard of Gold?

REST DAY
COMMUTE 7 miles

Yesterday and last night I was falling asleep from about 2 or 3pm on, all the way until bedtime. I was in bed by 830 or so, and we had a phone call with the kids around... I dunno I remember seeing 2300 something on the clock...Garmin says 2311-2343 I was awake. And it says just under 6 hours of sleep but I think this is short. I dunno. So with my arms, chest, and back sore from strength training, my right ankle giving mild signals of fatigue, my left hip/hammie niggle being mostly quiet, the daylong fatigue, and the fact that I had a lot to do this morning to get ready to leave tomorrow...Oh and the thunderstorm that probably meant the pool was closed -- I stayed home.

I did my little chores, I sketched envelope pictures for the kids, the dog didn't want to walk for some reason and just wanted to eat grass. The garage door opener guy was supposed to arrive by 8am but didn't, and I had to be at work for a 9am meeting. It wasn't a relaxing morning in the end. 

Last night I bought chocolate and figs and yet Monster Starved. I went to bed early. Moria was lingered but I left at M3. I won the Come Home. No Sabotage. Lies.... yea I lied about amounts. Meditation yes during the mattress construction, to calm post M3 anxiety. Creation - no time I did that today instead. Gratitude yes when I admired how my arms hurt less today. Social - that I failed last night when I didn't support LA like I could and should have.

So today's Choices: Get out again, that was great. Get out and go to bed. STFU when it comes to stuff not your business, it won't change. 

I finished JBP Chapter 1 last night, stand up straight with your shoulders back. One line was about framing challenges as opportunities. Do you see the dragon with his hoard, or do you see the hoard the dragon has? Do you see the problems or the opportunities? 

Full Moon: Stand up straight with your shoulders back

STRENGTH: 20 mins of Exerprise generated core workout
TREADMILL: 55 mins of 1.466666 running as 120 (60) at 4.0, total mileage 3.40 miles
COMMUTE: 7  miles

I woke up to the full moon in our west window, I opened the curtain and enjoyed it. But it wasn't a totally calm moment, the dog was begging to go out. She's adapting to our early morning schedule. 

The moon was hanging in the western sky as I got to the gym, and I could see it during my core set. And as I was on the treadmill, it fell below a building and was gone. 

The run was great, minimal but present hip/hammie issues. The ankle was OK (but stiff) unless I took an expected step, like to reach forward to the phone. Then it would briefly hurt. But it's normalizing - the morning pain and stiffness is improving. I'm still doing ROM work to get that back. It seems like no progress, but I'm not measuring either. 

The hip/hammie seems to have something going on too in the lower back/pelvis. A stiff need-to-pop feeling. Is this new feeling due to me compensating somehow? 

And my arms and back and chest burn from the last two days of strength training. Maybe my abs will join the chorus tomorrow. 

So this change thing. I broke the year up in to 12-13 week segments and decided to work on specific things each segment. And I identified 10 areas I really want to focus on: Monster, Sleep, Moria, Coming Home, Sabotage, Lies, Meditation, Creation, Gratitude , Social Support. And to focus on a JBP rule per week (give or take). Geez, how would I integrate all this and not overwhelm?

Yesterday I mentioned that while I might not be able to Change who I am, I can Choose what gets me to the better me. So....what if I sat down every weekend and focused on those 10 things and pick  Choices I could make to get to a better me. Examples: gotta get more specific week by week though.

1. Monster. Just fucking kill him.

2. Sleep. Start shutting it down 830 and be physically in bed before 9:30.

3. Moria. Get in and get out. Be done by 7:30 at the latest, unless something else going on.

4. Coming Home. I'm rocking this goal already, and the anxiety is already improving. 

5. Sabotage. One failure doesn't mean the day is lost.

6. Lies. Stop fooling yourself, stop denying, and stop failing to recognize what happens.

7. Meditation. Find moments in the day of quiet and peace.

8. Creation. Spend more time on stained glass! 

9. Gratitude. Stop everyone now and then to appreciate what's happening, get in the moment. 

10. Social Support. For me and those around me. 

Specifics this next week:

1. Monster. Don't bring anything home to feed him.

2. Sleep physically in bed by 9:30pm and no phone after that.

3. Moria. Get out by 8pm, dishes and all.

4. Coming Home. I realized yesterday that 5 minutes of Drops app is 5 minutes of PT

5. Sabotage. Full is full. Full means stop after M3.

6. Lies. Get accurate about countings.

7. Meditation. Twice a day, just stop what you're doing.

8. Creation. 3 times a week downstairs

9. Gratitude. In the gym, stop to feel how good it all is.

10. Social Support. Reach to LA more readily, we both need it. 

Now how to really integrate this?

You might not be able to change everything, but you can make CHOICES

STRENGTH Chest and back 20 mins
SWIM 700 yards in about 20-25 mins
COMMUTE 7 miles

I used my new Exerprise app to generate at C&B workout - loved it! New exercises. My arms and shoulders are a little sore from yesterdays workout, now today I'm adding to it. I wondered, if it's better to do this before a swim, after a swim, or on another day that I'm not swimming. If I alternate days, then my arms don't get a rest. If I do it in one day, then it's like a 60 min workout then a rest. As to whether before or after is better - before! Otherwise I get out of the pool and leave the gym without the workout!

The swim felt messy since my arms were tired. So I slowed down and tried to focus on form. Tried. 

I noticed yesterday that my left hip/hammie niggle hurts a bit on the bike when I stand up or try to push on the pedals. But it's better on stairs than it was a few days ago, and when I move around on the floor or pull my heel in, it's also better. Keep resting!

I've committed to having a better Come Home Goal, and I haven't mentioned it yet. I should - it's been successful! I come home and have 5-10 minutes of getting things done for me that keeps me from getting stalled in Moria right away. It feels good, the anxiety of the first few days is lessening. 

Now to improve the 2x M3 in the evenings. I worked it yesterday so that I'm done by 7pm (and drank my tea earlier in the afternoon) so that I don't go to bed with such a full stomach that it keeps me awake. But then LA came home and while hanging out with him I had a second M3. Ugh. But I wasn't too full! I think the 4 cups of tea right before bed is the real culprit. 

I found another new podcast yesterday, and one of the topics was about how you are who you are, you probably aren't going to change. Timely topic for me, giving the transformation ideas I'm having. He said you might not be able to change who you are, but you can make choices that make you the better version of you. Love that. 

Extreme Makeover: IronBee Edition?

SWIM: nope pool is still closed, so switchup to...
WALK on treadmill, running didn't feel fluid. 60 mins and I think a squeak under 3 miles
STRENGTH 20 mins of arms - dips, pullups, dumbells. My arms felt weak afterwards! 

Years ago I started watching the Extreme Makeover Weightloss TV show. I dunno how or why, or what pulled me into it. But I enjoyed it. I'm watching it again for some reason, as I can find it on YouTube during my treadmill workouts. I think I enjoy seeing someone work with a personal trainer? 

After some thought, I think I enjoy it because I want a voice in my head like this to counteract the one I already have in my head. That harsh yet weak voice that goes from 1% to 100% in or out of my favor. The saboteur.  The Monster. 

Imagine having someone to cheer you on and keep you focused all day. I tried the voice a few times in my head last night and today in the gym. One more set. Walk away. Stop and think. Get honest with yourself. Who wouldn't want help like that throughout the day? 

So yeah I put the bag back last night for good, and yeah I did a few extra reps today at the gym. 

But what about a year-long transformation in 4 phases like in the show? Doesn't have to be 4 phases, could be 12 or full moons or whatever. I think this is on my brain because my Bday is in a week and a full moon is this Wednesday and they both are like restarts for me. A benchmark or New Year of sorts. Every year I write myself a birthday card in the blog. Let's go back a few years and review... 

2020: So my goal for the next year, find yourself again. Leave behind everything here and find a new start. You are still the person you were yesterday, all off them good and bad. The silent voice, that's the voice of the future, and what will that voice say in one year? 

2019: So many goals for this year, I always put a few goals in my birthday post. No more M and a little more A. See the nutritionist. Get strong. Get running. Get normal. Are these goals? haha. Love you bee!

2018: my FUCKING BIRTHDAY. Happy Birthday to me, how looks, my EKG? OK not funny. (hospitalized for PCI).

2017: no specific entry, but a breakthrough in meeting up with an old friend and branching out

2016: So, Bee, why are we here? Because I want to encourage you to stay the course. Keep trying. Never give up, and never lose site of those end goals. I'm not talking about a 100 mile finish, I'm talking about winning the Battle of the Five Armies, so to speak. This Battle has been ongoing for 20 years in some ways. Look back at those first memories, how long ago they were, how painful they were then and still are now. Twenty years, Bee. You're 41 years old today, do you want to be updating this blog in 20 more years and still be waiting on the Battle to be over?

2015: post hip biopsy and divorce

2014: B2B 

2013: I signed up for MiTi

2012: a FoPa run, a pumpkin drive, and decision to run Land Between The Lakes in 2013.

OK I think that's enough. 10 years now. Up and Up, then Down and Down, and then.... Now. 

NOW. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now. 

NOW!!! Why wait for a birthday or a full moon? What is you you want?! This long ass post and what conclusions from it?! Blah blah blah I want another voice in my head? Why, just last year I found I have up to 7 or 8 other voices (past selves) in my head and they're still there but they just behind my now. They don't speak much, but I think about them a LOT. Maybe that's a place to start. What is it I keep thinking about them? Why do they continue to attract my attention? Why do I keep going back to the past? 

NUMERICS! And am I injured already?

 

NUMERICS. REAL NUMERICS!

4:53 hours total (that's it?!)
SWIM 1600 yards in 50 mins
BIKE none
RUN 4.1 miles out of 8.75 miles in 3 sessions
COMMUTE 24.5
STRENGTH 20 mins each of core and leg
ELLIPTICAL 39 minutes
ROWING 20 minutes

Woah! only 5 hours?

So first things first, let's do an honest review, because I have to decide now if I'm doing too much and need to dial back, or if I need to remove something and replace it for awhile.

Only 5 hours, let me say again, only!? My goal at the gym is 60 mins at least of cardio. I was at the gym Mon, Weds, Thurs, Sat. So yeah, I guess 5 hours. 

Of that 2.33 hours was on the treadmill. I planned 8 miles of walk/jog and ended up slightly over that. What I didn't plan or keep track of was the mileage I was accumulating in the run portion. I would have guessed 3 miles, not 4. 

Well let's get to the point. There's a super tight pulling pain in my left hammie/butt crease area. Most noticeable on stairs. I woke up with it Saturday and walked and foam rolled to see how it felt. I still went to the gym, didn't feel it much there unless I was doing specific moves that irked it. Being on the treadmill wasn't bad really at all (denial?!) I was aware of it but not bothered by it (denial).

Today (Sunday) is better? but it's still there. I did some reading and found hamstring tendinopathy kinda fits the area - where the hamstrings connect to the pelvic bones. Rest is needed, if that's what it is. 

But - here's the really scary part. Thursday in lab meeting (I ran that morning) my right pubic bone flashed a few beats of sharp pain. Out of no where, it came and went. Then it was gone for good and no more. But now as I think and ponder and stress, I can feel the pubic bone on the left side having a "feeling". I'm aware of it. Does it hurt? Is it injured? 

HOW THE FUCK COULD IT BE? Seriously? Let's be honest here, and maybe I need to pull the data because honesty in this department is not one of my strengths. (See "guess 3 miles, not 4" above). What I think I've been doing since July - building steps, layering in bike commutes with longer rides, some strength in PT and slowly more at the gym. 

Reality? I bought my gym membership late September and since then I've been a drug addict going 3-4 times a week. 
First week at gym: Sept 27 1:43 hours with swimming and a treadmill run mile.
Second week: 5:38 hours at the gym, with 3.58 miles of walk/run
Third week: 4:53 hours at the gym, with 8.75 miles of of walk/run

Well there you have it, I complain that it's "only" 5 hours" but look at the numbers and try to argue your way out of it. You went from 1-2 hours to 4-5 hours. 

OK so some of it is swimming, lots of elliptical, some rowing. Does elliptical count as a weight-bearing exercise? I dunno, but it's movement and stress on the legs that they aren't ready for yet. On top of that, the walking I'm doing on the treadmill is also new for me - that fast-aggressive pace of 4.0 mph is something new for me. So even though I'm "walking", it's still new. 

An alternate theory - is that my run form is not ready yet and I'm compensating somewhere for the lack of full ROM on the right ankle. 
An alternate theory - I read that the sciatic nerve can be impinged and as a protective response the hamstrings will tighten up to protect it, causing this issue. 

In the meantime, I need an alternate plan. Rest this week! Replan. But don't get stressed. 

PT with Ben is over, I'm on my own!

 Monday: RUN 1.125 miles out of 2.5 miles, as 10x 90s runs (60s)
                SWIM 600 yards in just under 20 mins, 150 swim/50 kick
                COMMUTE 3.5 miles (got a ride home, yay!)

Tuesday: COMMUTE 7 miles and my last PT session

Wednesday: ELLIPTICAL 20 mins, ROWING 20 mins
                 SWIM 1000 yards in just under 30 mins
                 COMMUTE 7 miles

Thursday: ELLIPTICAL 15 mins
                 TREADMILL 40 mins, 90/60 run was 1.2375 miles out of 2.5 miles
                 STRENGTH Core 20 mins and Legs 20 mins
                 COMMUTE 7 miles

Friday: Full Rest, rained out anyway

Saturday TREADMILL 60 mins, 120/60 at 4.0 (slower than before), run was 26 mins and 1.73 miles

Monday: I was supposed to do a core workout too, but I miscalculated my timing schedule. I realized it at 5am of all times, and my alarm was set for 545am. Do it at home! Do it!  The run was great - 90s intervals at 4.5 speed...doing the math....1.125 miles. Oof, less than I thought. It was a total workout of 2.5 miles (the goal) and I did do a brief couple seconds at 6.0 speed to see how it feels. Tiring!

Tuesday: I wanted to do a mid-distance ride but in the end it didn't work out. I had my final PT session this morning - Ben said to work on lateral stair squats (squat at base of stairs on the last step, facing sideways), runners on the foam pad, standing up on toes, then doing runners going up on the toes. Next - skips - a plyometric (but not full out hoppity) skip to program neuromuscular firings to get back the idea of running. I'll miss talking to Ben! He was more than physical therapy there was also an element of mental therapy. The plan to ride after my 4pm hair appointment didn't pan out, by the time I got to Lowes to buy mulch, put down the mulch, LA was already home and having dinner and the motivation to go back out wasn't there. I was tired and hungry. Makes sense - I've been "going" without a rest day since...? last Tuesday?

Wednesday: Monday night I dug out swim plans and came back across the Speedo 1000K that I've done before. So that's on the plans for now. The beginner triathlete one was too boring. The plan was supposed to be 20 mins XT, 20 mins legs, 30 mins swim. But somehow I got too much XT on the daily notes. Instead of legs, I did another XT. So! -- Tomorrow needs to be altered to include my missed core and now my missed legs. 

The swim! The first session of the Speedo Beginner Make It Wet 1000y swim plan. Simple, and I lengthened it by repeating the MS: 2x [8x25 (10); 2x75 pull (30); 4x25 (10)]. I was a worn sloppy mess by the end, and now hours later I can feel the muscles in my neck talking a bit. Not pained, but there. And I have that mild dizzy to go with it. Yay!

Thursday: Plan succeeded! Excepting the 5 minutes I "lost" by being 5 minutes late to the gym (had to stop to eat some eggs, not needed!) I did everything on my schedule. The run felt great, I let myself watch some Chris Powell on YouTube and it went fast. For strength I did my Intervals App set to 60(20) for 15 intervals (total 20 mins) of planks, crunches, bird dogs, squats, step ups, lunges, what else... Love it, and hooooo I'm tired. Short on good sleep, crashing at 8pm every night, snoozy during the day at work. See below....

Today  at work I ate my lunch at 10am, and someone commented about eating breakfast late. I pointed out that I'd been awake since 330am (thanks to LA!) so this was kinda "late" for me in the day!! I love this too, I'm so efficient lately. I get my household chores done in the  morning, get my Russian work on Drops and Mango done on the elliptical, Duolingo walking the dog. This requires me to sit down the night before to write out a event-by-event timed schedule until I leave for work. It works.

Now for the evenings, I need to do more work on. Lately I'm going to bed late (late when you get up at 4am, anyway) and with an overfilled, heavy, pained gut. It's not working to have a big meal at the end of the day. So. My plan for next week is to try a big lunch, then a salad, veg, fruit snack-sized when I get home. This will be a hard habit to break!! But I have been successful to in having a "Come Home Goal" of doing something for at least a few minutes upon walking in the door. Right now, go upstairs and wash my face, do a chore if I can. It works!! But change is hard. 

Friday: make plans to sleep in! Done! I rode in with LA and after a long day took the bus home. He's away playing army this weekend. 

Saturday: I woke up feeling lonely and sluggish, but rested. After a few minutes bee-bopping around doing chores and etc, I noticed going up the steps that my left hamstring/butt crease area was pained. Like a super tight pulling pain. On up steps only (down is OK), and pulling my heel towards my butt in bed type movements. Da fuq?

I'm determined to see what's going and on also determined to walk if not run, so after a late stressed morning I get to the gym. It "feels" when I run, but doesn't hurt or burn. I slowed the run down and lengthened the interval, this felt slow but perfect. I barely felt the workout. I ran and walked at the same speed, and this is an aggressive walk pace. See my post on potential injury for my thoughts on that. I watched my Chris Powell show on the tready. It's my "reward" of sorts. 

I'd thought about doing yesterday's drill-focused swim today, but realized that I left my pink swim bag in the car that LA had. Then, I get to the gym and find the pool is closed anyway for maintenance!

LA had to do an Army fitness thing and he did 11500m in 25 mins. He challenged me to 12000m in 25 mins. I have to do the maths...12km is 7.4 miles....that's 17.9 mph on a stationary bike. I like challenges!

Sunday: Took the day off, I'd planned a bike ride but I didn't get to work on Saturday so I have to work today and do meal prep. Ugh. And this one bike ride won't change anything regarding biking abilities next year, but it would definitely benefit a problem hip!

First week of planned training!

 

Saturday RUN 0.8 miles in 0.1 mile intervals, total 2 miles walk/run
Sunday BIKE 26 miles in 1:44, Liberty gravel roads

The first week is done, or is it the second now? Either way, I'm building the habit. All feels great, the ankle is like 90% normal in regular duties, and 75% or so running (depends on the day).  I have one more scheduled/approved PT appointment on Tuesday, it might be the last. Not sure I need it anymore, but I need it. I need to get full ROM for dorsiflexion.

Next week - more home PT and more strength building. And get a specific swim plan, not this "20 min swim" thing I'd otherwise keep doing. 

And M reactivated this week. Like a herpesvirus, comes and goes. What a sick way to look at it. 

Supersonic; One Year to Hennepin 100

Tuesday: COMMUTE 7 miles, and canceled PT

Wednesday: COMMUTE 7 miles, SWIM 600y, ELLIPTICAL 20 mins, and LOWER STRENGTH 20 mins

Thursday: COMMUTE 7 miles, ELLIPTICAL and ROW 20 mins each, and TREADMILL 1.5miles/30 mins with 4 or 5 1-minute runs at a very slow speed; FOAM ROLL and STRETCH 10 mins. (PT also canceled).

Friday: rained out of commute. didn't get to gym.

I don't usually log XT and strength stuff, but I'm short on other things I'm doing and since I'm treating this as part of my recovery/rebuilding/new-normal, I'm including it. Besides, it makes me look busy. 

The ankle pain after Saturday's run continued into Tuesday, mostly after I'd been sleeping. I did some jogging down a hall Wednesday at work and pained it again. Then Thursday I do all that in the morning, including 4-5 minutes of 4.0 speed treadmill running and for the rest of the day it feels fine?! Huh? What seems to cause the change? 

I wasn't able to go to PT (both were like 1pm) middle of the day so I've been doing a little bit all day long. When I'm standing, walking, waiting, I stretch and try to get my knee forward. It seems like I make no progress, but I'm not measuring so how would I know for sure? 

I'm really enjoying my up-at-430am then to-the-gym mornings, except I'm already falling asleep by mid day. I need to get to bed earlier. While I was in the legs workout Weds, Supersonic played on the radio. I've been ready to add that song to the Songlist but haven't done it yet! 

--

Went too far! Back off

ELLIPTICAL 25 mins of bouncing
STRENGTH 20 minutes of BOSU ball fun
SWIM 600 yards in a little under 20 minutes

The Saturday run that felt so good that day has left my right foot (and a little of the left) hurting. If I sit still for awhile (sleeping, sitting, driving) I get up with a limp that works itself out in a few minutes. So, I take that to be a tendon issue given the pattern. Ligament? Maybe, either way, it's not an injury pain. It feels like overuse-abuse getting to injury. So my plans to walk/jog on the treadmill this morning were changed to elliptical. 

The elliptical wasn't entirely pain-free either, but it was better. No impact. The pain is on the outside of the ankle, along the outer edge of my foot behind the arch area. Then around and under the knob of ankle bone. It hurts, not a sharp pain but a bad ache. Kinda acute. So rest. 

Really though when I think it over, it's obvious. I'm supposed to do the Return To Running plan by hopping around on the ladder-patterns. Time to tape that down in the basement. Should I have gym floor there for the hopping? 

The BOSU ball was good, will I feel it later? I hope so. My plan is strength 3x a week. With a Plan, not just 'do strength'. The swim was good too, started off feeling faster in the water but I wore out as the yards came on. I tried the kickboard, that was OK. The ankle was having a tight-pain feeling, like it was saying "I don't like stretching like this!". 

No commute because of rain. 

One year to Hennepin 100

1 mile outdoor run, 10x 0.1 mile segmentsl; Hennepin is today!

RUN! total 2 miles in 27 mins, WU 5 min fast walk, then 1 min walk/0.1 mile run. 
BIKE?

I'd planned a long ride, it's GORGEOUS outside, but I gotta get stuff done! I need to mulch the yard before it rains. 

The run felt OK, slow and weak, but that's expected now. I shoulda done 1 minute to keep to the plan but it's harder to track the mileage when I do that. And the 0.1 mile increments were sorta 1 minute long, a bit over. I'm a mileage tracker, not a time tracker.  

I ran south on Maple to Scio, then east for the out n back. For the past months I've been watching other runners on this route and wondering how it "felt" to run here. What did it "taste" like. in St Louis I knew how most all of my neighborhood sidewalks felt to run. I knew the hills, the pavement, the shade, noise, feel. I could see a runner and know what it was to run right there. I don't have that feel here in A2. I will soon!

Last night we set up my dry erase board in the basement. LA moved Frea to a more out-of-the-way place behind the couch, and this morning I moved a mirror to the area so I could it. I covered the board with my goals and exercises in color coded glory. Swim, bike, run, PT, strength, and cross train. A calendar and a weekly schedule. I love it. 

I checked, and Hennepin 100 is running to day. So it's one year to H100. And I just ran 10x 0.1. At least it's a start. 

October Opt-Out 2021

COMMUTE 7 miles

The only thing I've opted out of so far this morning was my trip to the gym. I got lots done (I was up at 0445) then by 0640 I finish walking the dog and have no motivation for the gym. So I end up breaking the IF for some eggs and bacon, then want more chix and bacon. 0730 PT time (no Ben, and I only have one more session!?). PT was underwhelming but has me thinking maybe I don't need it so much anymore? Then home to stress and distraction about the Murray call tonight, and M finds the cashews and vegan chocolate chips from yesterday. Ugh. 

Previous OptOuts: 

2020:I woke up with plans in place to make this October special, as I usually do for October. Opt Out is the usual -- in which I Opt Out of the internets like Dumb surfing, youtube, reddit, and next door. But as of now, I'm nextdoor and reddit free, dumb surfing is super minimum, and youtube is my only internet vice. And that's mostly at work. So what can I opt out of this month? Been thinking, I have a few ideas.

1. Opt out of M. Nuff said. I crashed hard with it this past weekend with Sunday/Monday feeling  like a free fall. Now Tuesday was 1 item, Wednesday was 0 item, and now today Thursday let's get this cleaned up. 

2. Focus on real meals. Been wanting this - real meals that I sit down to and enjoy. Not random grabs that aren't satisfying or are eaten too fast. 

3. Reasonable daily plan. No more over-planning rigid must-do days. Day by day, continue with the index card notes with 8 goals for the day. 

Overall, I think this means to Opt Out of STRESS. M stresses me. Hurrying through meals, and having all these rules to follow -- all stress. So let's make it an Opt Out of Stress Month. 

2019 It's October! I've opted out of news and carbs

For 2021:

1. Opt out of ALL M.  
2. Opt out of non-essential reddit. Jokes are OK. Recipes are OK.

3. Opt out of msn yahoo etc

Opt IN to a daily schedule with:

1. 1 hour of something exercise

2. a few mins a day of  personal hobby

3. a few mins a day of relationship focused time. 

I went for a SWIM!!!!

SWIM 400 yards in 10-13 minutes, 16 x 25y as planned
COMMUTE 7 miles

I had a moment last night in which I wondered if the LAF pool was 25y or not. In my mind, it was too small. I had a moment of anxiety about this. And all the drive to the pool I wondered what it was. I'm pretty sure now it's 25y. Whew.

The pool was all mine for all but the last 100. No music, no lifeguard, no noise. Just a wall of windows looking back into the gym, opposing another wall of windows looking out at Maple Rd. I wondered if those windows will be uncomfortably cold in a few months. 

I couldn't push off the wall or kick much with the ankle, it reminded me with a hit of mild pain. My neck was tight later, indicating poor form. My arms slipped ineffectively through the water (nothing new there), and my breath control was poor. But all this comes back with time.

I've read that habit-forming sometimes needs a simple "just go, even for 5 minutes" type of start. I was disappointed to see that my 400y swim only took 12 minutes (that includes the short rests at the wall) but I was happy I went!

I'd planned 20 mins of strength afterwards, but I didn't have time. I needed to be at work for lab meeting, and ideally before meeting to block an ELISPOT plate. If this were my lab blog, the title would be "I did and ELISPOT!!!" haha. 

No M today, stuck to goals and going for a 20:4 if not more. And really, it was 15 mins of swimming, so that's not really a workout. 

I went for a RUN!!!

LAF: 20 mins elliptical, 20 mins rowing, 25 mins of treadmill (0.25mi run + 2x 1 minute run)
COMMUTE: 7 miles each, Monday and Tuesday

Quick note about the commute, I remeasured my optimized route on MapMyRun and was disappointed to find that it's now only 3.5 miles to work. So do I go back and readjust my numbers to be accurate?

I went to the gym! I followed my plan for 60 mins of cardio, with only a short try of running. The elliptical was OK, the rowing was boring, and the treadmill went by fastest.

I did "one loop" run before realizing I was supposed to be doing 1 minute on/off. Not the 2-2.5 minute of a quarter mile. So I backed off and replanned.

The ankle felt OK on the elliptical, but the rowing really dorsiflexed it and pushed on the instep. Either I compensated or this got better over the 20 minutes.

For the run, I kept it at around 3.5-3.8 setting (SLOW) and it felt great. The ankle I mean. But I did too, happy all day from it. 

Except the M'ing once home from the gym, in which I convinced myself that chix would be "needed" post workout. Other days I'm doing 20-22hr IF and it feels great on my gut. But M a little bit. Ugh. 

Plans for October, first week

 COMMUTE: Monday, 

Week 1 plan and goals:

Walk/Jog: 3 times, 1 mile total of fast walking and jogging mixed

1. -
2. -
3. -

PT: With Ben Tues and Friday, at home Mon, Weds, Thurs, Sat/Sun

1. -
2. -
3. -
4. -
5. -
6. -

LA-F gym:

1. -
2. -
3. -
4. -
5. Bonus

Long ride this weekend: 

Terribly distracted, and it was a rainy week

COMMUTE only Monday
RAINED out the rest of the week

All is good! Just busy and it rained Tuesday - Thursday, so LA gave me a ride to work. Then on Friday we drove to MO for an "exchange".

On Friday morning I talked to Ben about the Return to Running Plan I used for my hip, and I asked if that was applicable to me. He said the plan assumes normal range of motion, which I don't have yet. Ugh. But he showed me the specific measures for that, and now I have goals. I can paint them on the basement floor in tape and work towards it.

I also (seemingly prematurely) laid out a plan starting next week to build into a walk/jog program. Just wait a bit. 

I Get To Try To RUN! & LA Fitness membership

COMMUTE 7.4-ish miles Monday, rained out on Tuesday

My new exercises in PT were: split squat with rear leg on stairs; split squat position with 2 12-lb dumbbells and core rotation; and "runners" with Cori holding a band at my waist. I thought I'd be sore today (Tuesday) but not yet. 

I told Ben I sometimes have the urge just to try running, just to see what happens. The last time I tried this was 4 weeks ago when I couldn't jog across a street intersection. He thought about my statement, and said he was OK with it! WHAT?! YES!!! I promised only a block, and only to try it, and he said not really "running" but more of that running-shuffle without any real vertical to it. 

So naturally later that evening when we walked the dog, we tried it. I only did two tests, short and slow, and the ankle felt uncomfortable. I stopped, knowing I needed to wait more, and I can do that. 

After I got done with Ben I stopped by LA Fitness for my membership. LA as in Los Angeles I think, not my LA at home. I asked if he was interested in a membership, he said he wasn't sure about it given his upcoming med school commitments. But one of the membership options was an "international" level that allowed me to bring a guest - only $10 more than the "city" level. By doing that, I was able to get him a membership of sorts and now he can join me when he can. Also, I took the $150 initiation fee option, which means that my monthly fee is $35 for now and into the future. After 10 months, the different levels of upfront initiation fees level out, but the bonus for the way I picked was it holds at $35 after the 10 months. Otherwise it would be $50/monthly. But in doing this, I'm banking on the idea that I'll be healthy for that long! 

--

Liberty Ride

COMMUTE most days
BIKE 18 miles in about 75 mins
COMMUTE Sunday about 9 miles

LA found some gravel roads west of town so he took his gravel bike and I took my gravel bike and we drove out. He spotted a trailhead parking lot, which happened to be just a few tenths away from where I turned in Zeeb a month ago when I rode Liberty for my first post surgery ride.

I'd planned on 10-15 to be easy on the ankles. But the road was good and I felt only minor twinges. LA was like a Tour moto bike, catching up to me with turn directions. We had different ideas of a group ride I guess!

The ankle seems 80-85% good. But steps, curbs, jumping, cutting, laterals, and of course running still out. Ben said on Friday that he has new things for me tomorrow!! I had only one PT last weeks and just two this week. I need to get strict about home PT. Which can now be done in my almost-done home gym! Still working on it, but at least I have a space of my own !

100 days surgery follow up, no M 114 days

COMMUTE most every time
DRIVE 40 hours ugh twice to Missouri

I had a follow up with Dr Backus on Monday the 13th. All is good! Yes I will have imbalances due to a stiff ankle. I should gain back most all of my ROM. And YES - more PT. He says normal to them is being able to walk. I have a new prescription and if the insurance company doesn't accept it, then they will write a letter of support.

The ankle is getting better fast! But I still can't jump off a curb, do stairs, run, play, etc. but at least I know I can look forward to it.

How much longer before I can run? When the imbalances are gone. He said it will hurt, I might only run a quarter mile. It will hurt. I want it to, so I remember all I went through to get here!

--------

In a separate topic, SO texted me today to say that JOrr had committed suicide. JFC. 

--------

In a great topic, it's also 100 days no M. Actually, as I type this it's 114 days. I'm still not perfect, but I'm getting better. 

PT gets running faster

COMMUTE both ways, 7.4-ish miles

Great commute, busy day, woke up depressed and had that feeling most of the day, then PT and I feel so much better.

In PT, while doing shuttle squats the assistant Cori (sp?) said she went for a run. I waited, I wanted to know but didn't want to, how many miles did you get to do? 4 miles. She training for a half in October!! And from there, conversation was easier - training, cross country runners, nutrition, my races. Ooohhh the words were so easy to find, the knowledge all there and latent, and I MISS IT.
That was part of the testy morning today, how much I miss doing this. I've said I want to train for the H100 in 2022 and for Titanium in 2023. I don't think LA realizes what this means. Weekends, mornings, hours.

I pulled out 2013 blog book last night. It's like a different person wrote it. I'm looking for a time when things changed. To see if I can find where I started holding on to "something". I think June or July…. Sadly.

September So Far

COMMUTE: missed two afternoons so far, love it though!
ANYTHING ELSE? Nope. Just PT.

And that nothing else is starting to get to me. We spent Labor Day weekend on the house - garage, basement, weeds in front yard - and finally this is starting to feel like we live here. Like really live here, not just staying here a while. We might still do that, but that's for another day.

Saturday as we worked in the garage I kept seeing runners and cyclists going by. That's supposed to be me. But it's not, and it depresses me. And it didn't help any that also on Saturday I uncovered the binder with my SCAD files and realized it was three years ago that day. Three years, and I'm still not recovered from it. I'm still stalled out.

In PT last week, Ben asked how I'm doing, and long story short I said I have many moments in which I feel like I'll never run again. He asked, what will it take until I believe I'll run again. I smiled, when I go for a run! But seriously, he said I need to believe I'll run again in order to get there. I said, I've been injured so much the past years since 2014 that I start to wonder if I'm just not supposed to run anymore. He has a different suggestion, that I needed to process whatever I'm stuck on- a past event or thought or something my body hasn't released yet. By not releasing it, it's manifested as injury. I do and don't believe this, but I believe it. I can think back to a number if things in 2013/2014 that undermined my self confidence, my nutrition, my approach to life, and my self care. Where to begin?! Bens knowledge of astrology, hypnosis, etc takes this to another level. Through lots of deep meditation, he learned of and processed his own blocks, and healed his chronic injuries.

I'd be afraid to go under hypnosis. Monster. Balrog. Blerch.

When I went to bed that night, I tried falling asleep open to thinking about what this could be, and ended up having two dreams: one that I had to live with my ExH but I wanted to live with LA, second that I lived in a cluttered messy house that I needed to clean. Ugh.

So to add to my Saturday depression, the mail delivered a letter from my "Premiere" health insurance telling me that they didn't think I needed much more therapy, that I'm almost normal function. Who the fuck defines normal as unable to play with kids, limo up steps, and lack of full ROM?!

This left me in depressed tears. And now days later I still feel it. I haven't processed what I need to process. And until I do, I'm stuck here.

Active or Passive Insufficiencies

COMMUTE this week, all days 37 miles

3 months since surgery! Is that ALL?!? 

On Tuesday's appointment I asked Ben what is next for PT. I told him that last night I tried to jog a few steps to scurry across an intersection, but there was nothing there. He said we've been doing range of motion work with progress, and next is a progress report for the surgeon and insurance company, along with starting to retrain the "springyness" back into the joint. Teaching my leg to push up and catch on the way down too. I'm looking forward to this! So today I got to work on calf raises up onto my toes. And I have homework PT of stairs and more calf raise type stuff. 

TIL (Friday) about active and passive insufficiency from Ben. He was talking in regards to my toes being able to move then the ankle is relaxed, but being less able to move when the foot is dorsiflexed. This was an example of active insufficiency.

It made more sense when he used his wrist to make and squeeze on a fist: at rest the hand can squeeze, but if there is damage to the inner arm muscle the squeeze wouldn't work if the hand turned towards the damage (active) but not if the hand turned away from the damage (passive). I hope I have it right. Either way.

Active Insufficiency and Passive Insufficiency sounds like something I can use to describe my life now sometimes, but the ideas are too undefined right now. Give a long drive, say to my parents this evening, to think about it. 

I've been commuting everyday, and surprisingly IF'ing everyday until 12 or later (exception today, extra hungry and ate a few mins early). It feels GREAT on the gut, so much less heavy. 

My ankle was hurting Tuesday night - either the 2 mile walk to lab dinner, the new calf raise exercises in PT, the new Nike shoes, or the fact I wore the new shoes to the dinner - (the new shoes have flatter heal, and more dorsiflex and I could feel the difference at the instep) - and I had lots of pain Tuesday night, worrisome!  I was limping on the dog walk (I'm still doing 10K steps a day). By Wednesday it was better but not gone. By Thursday and Friday, better but Ben kept me off weighted calf raises today (Friday). 

I told him I have a surgical followup on the 13th, I asked about how much longer I might need PT and he said it depends on what you want to do afterwards. I guess for most people, I can walk and carry groceries so I'm pretty close to baseline. But I can't bee-bop up steps and I can't even jog across a street so I'm not at baseline. And since I want to run, I have a long way to go. We don't see a problem in getting more PT time, so I expect another 6-8 weeks?

I'm enjoying PT. I remember the first years with it I was uncomfortable and self conscious, I grew to realize and prove that I'll only get out, what I put in. Now, I just want more, I want hours of PT (not medically sound, I know) but I want more more more and I'm not hesitant like before to ask for it. 

Still thinking on the Insufficiencies.  Something there, just gotta think.