End of February, and into March

I'm not writing much, because what to say? We're constantly counting down the day until the Match. Now, it's 2 weeks from tomorrow! 

Today is like a bonus day, leap year day. LA left for MO reserves this morning. I'm not going to sit here and re-hash all the court case, moving, and all else drama.

Let's focus on just me. After now 45-ish days of No Sugar and No Flour, and 45-ish days of trying to follow the other two lines....barely a change? I'm stuck in the 135 range. But today, if it's real, 1328. A few days ago 133. Two days ago 1392. It just....befuddles and frustrates and more. 

Considerable Lentitude has lots of green, but lots of red. Especially red for M3. I'm always hurrying, always distracted, always thinking about something else. I'm thinking about THIS when I'm typing. I'm not thinking about it when it's M3 time. 

abort and give up. stop!

Another week of ....failure or change: Considerable Lentitude

I came across a copy of my job description - the real one, not the MC one - and saw the term Considerable Latitude. It struck me in multiple ways. I have considerable latitute, don't I? 

And I don't mean just at the job, but also in my life. And I'll probably never get across here how it sounds in my mind. But while I don't have it at work Oh, but I could, and I don't. 

And I do have it at home, but I don't take advantage of it. 

Case in point - last night came home after my time on the sorter when over time. Home late. Not hungry. Cold, rushed, tired, mind fuzzed. What did I do? Moria. Moria. Moria. 

I had Considerable Latitude in my choices of what to do, and I chose The Depths of Moria. Went to bed unable to sleep, feeling sick. 

My New Moon checklist for yesterday had lots of red. I'm losing, but I'm not trying. 

Wednesday - I realized only yesterday that yesterday was Fat Tuesday. Yup 137. So I'm restarted my checklist for the next 40 days. By wonderful omenic alignment, that's the end of March and under 130. GO GO GO.

Friday I'm not typing much. There's not much to say. We're in such stress about the upcoming Match. 28 days I think. LA is kind of a mess. I don't know what to say to him, everything just gets turned around and thrown back and rejected and I feel helpless about it.

Focusing on me instead, that's all I can control. I have a list of 40 Lent goals. I'm doing better about no iphone meals, but not about that 4th meal in the evening. I'm not exercising beyond my 30 Days Challenge (squats, pushups, planks, crunches) and dog walks (regular evening habit started). Gym, running? No. 

I'm reading a LOT, using books as a distraction? I started a "108 List" of fiction books. There's really more than 108 books, more like 116, but realistically I might only get to 108. 

We travel this weekend to Chenoa, next weekend to St Louis, next weekend he travels to MO, next weekend we go to MO, the next weekend we MATCH and go to MO. Again!

Cair Paravel: 1362 to 1348

Monday RUN 1 mile with Nova
Wednesday RUN 2 miles solo
Friday RUN 1 miles with Nova
Saturday RUN abt 2 miles with LA and Nova

Monday Some realizations this weekend. I've been hard on myself - work, home, body, mental, all - and it's not getting me anywhere. The huge weight peak didn't help, the pained "organs" and all that, but upon LA telling me I don't have goals, and MC telling me essentially that I'm "ineffective" -- it all wound into a "if everyone around you stinks, check your own shoes". And here I am. Checking my shoes. I could be doing better. 

I could be organizing my time better. Why just this last Saturday in a letter to Jessica I realized that I do have time in the evenings, but where does it go? Why do I get up at 6am and have 3 hours to get to work but still have to hurry. Honestly, where does the time go!? This is an old question I've tried to solve with paper notes and apps. 
I could get more done at work by consolidating all Ordering Tasks to one set hour a day. Like, 4-5pm is Lab Manager Time. On busy days, skip it. I could funnel tasks into a Power Hour type of plan, in which I cumulate all the silly things into an hour waiting for a machine to finish. I could stop typing things like this....
I could get more done at home? By paying attention to what I'm doing. Really, when I get home by 6pm and have 6-7pm open and then 745-bedtime open -- what am I doing that time? I'd like to be eating, walking dog, reading or painting, being with Lev. But it doesn't work that way. 

I could be more aggressive and decisive about goals. I hedge and wait and delay. Why? I like to have all the information before doing anything and many times in my mind more time can mean more information. But still, I can have goals.

I could be so much better following my meal plan and exercise plan. Especially the meal plan because I put so much energy into planning that and then --- I come home to Moria. See above. What am I doing all that time? Why am I in the kitchen for what seems like HOURS after I come home?! 

Start paying attention for a few days, get some data. 

Tuesday Last night, was able to paint and read! Didn't walk dog and I need to start doing that - she woke me up 3 times this morning to go out. Brat. Progress to 1354, chest is feeling better and so am I. But I also realized this morning that I'm now feeling happy progress just getting back to what used to be a problem!

I'm at work early - don't lose it and get going!

ETA good then fell into nuts and fake butter. Got to paint and relax and pre bed walk, love it!

Wednesday Good run this morning, wanted to go more if I could. This weekend? Last night I realized Dates+butter is a bad idea -- so no more. Find something less... triggering. 

ETA 2 dates, peanuts and butter again, too full at the end. 1600!! 

Thursday  CHANGE! ETA No change yet. Same issues. Rush to Moria, all time in Moria, keep going back to Moria.

Friday Super New Moon day. Set a list of 30 goals for 30 days. Put the seeds to basement. Put the peanuts to trash. Clean up and clear out. 

One month into 2024 and some 10 days of BLE: 1364 to 1340 to 138 to ...

Monday - post travel rest day
Tuesday - nothing again, chest so swollen I don't even want to walk again (for days now)
Wednesday - nothing again, We went for an afternoon WALK! LA birthday, swollen, lab meeting. ugh

Monday Dropping kids off at 1pm loses us two hours with them, but gains us time to sleep and have a better Monday. What a trade off. I can't help but look forward to moving (please God let us move) and being home so much earlier. I don't have lunches and dinners packed yet for the week, but I have it planned. So today is random packed lunch. Dinner, hopefully I can I will pull something together. Feeling clear headed, seeing progress since last week? This BLE Day 1 thing, I really gotta figure it out.  I keep thinking, I blew up Day 1 today and tomorrow can be a Day 1. But, I think I'm doing better than that? Yesterday I graded as a Blue Day! Blue is Good!

I like the BLE, I like that it's so simple, this and not that, this much of this, and this much here and not there. It appeals to my rulesy way of thinking. 

Plan for tonight - since I won't have much cooking done at all: Normandy vegetables, a potato, and a PROTEIN______? ETA Turkey, extra potato, extra fish, extra grapes, extra blueberries, extra strawberries, extra few chashews. THen think I'm doing great when I say no to fresh turkey. 

Tuesday Woke up to 138 and feeling so ... fail. awful. fat. heavy. wasted. lost. depressed. Then LA is upset with too many of my decisions to to numerate here, from the $100K for the down payment to my lack of goals and his lack of trust in me as someone who doesn't have goals and my "coosh" job and how I could be making more money. So I feel... fail. awful. i could cry. wasted. heavy fat lost depressed. 

ETA another mess. Ok, but a random mess. 

Wednesday Woke up to 138 again, post! Day 1 BLE. Again. ETA - I did OK until I got home. I did 1030-745 too! I checked my HJ - they don't fit at all. 

Thursday 137.8, pre. another 10-8 day OK, but AGAIN like an extra meal when I walk in the door - MINTUES FROM A DENTAL - I have to stop and eat. Then I come and WITH A NUMB MOUTH I insist on eating. FUCKING HELL. I took pictures this morning. Before. 

Friday 138 again, it would be nice to see it improve. Wait, they say, have faith. Well anyway yesterday I got into BuJo for BLE and thinking "I need a notebook" and fucking hell I HAVE MORE NOTEBOOKS, I ALREADY HAVE NOTEBOOKS. I'm coming off of caffeine too - I stopped doing my halfnhalf coffee this week and just decaf. Occasional caffeine will be OK in tea and travel. My chest is still swollen and pained. My legs swelled up but I wore the socks yesterday and look better today. See if they go back to swollen. Good to know, it's not just FAT on my legs. Just anyway. 

I'm meal planning. I do more planning than doing. But this next week I'm detailing better breakfasts, planning to move fruit if it helps, and detailing bigger dinners. WITHOUT post M3 noms.

Weekend Lev was gone for the weekend, and I stuck the landing, motived all the more by 1400 at morning. Seriously?  Then Sunday 1372. Then monday 1362. Full circle. I did great, slipped in the cookup, but great. 

Chronicles of Narnia on Sunday, be seated in Cair Paravel!

Harsh email from boss on Saturday, and read about hi-functioning depression.

Get it together. Now.