In spite of ankle stress, doing good

NOTHING I'd planned a Fit+ session, but just....hung out with LA and made his breakfast and finished the nuthatch line and wash painting

Yesterday came home and kinda back into the Moria habit. Home to Moria, less Home to Chore. Then noms on grapes, cream cheese, etc. Even a stupid nom on coconut aminos and nutritional yeast. WTF. 

I didn't sit down to one meal. I did a split meal like my old bad habit. Under the justification of "well I'll just eat a little bit now, then eat with LA later". It didn't work. I don't see all of it at once, and I think that would help.

Ankle doesn't have terribly much bruising. Yesterday I was able to slowly walk, but not good at all on stairs, stretches, unstable. I had trouble walking down our driveway last night with the dog. I had to have LA hold the dog, while I held onto him. 

I did good yesterday on the "45 mins other workout": art, stained glass, and russian. Some days, I just don't want to start but remember next time that I'm always glad I did it afterwards!

In spite of ankle, a win yesterday

STRENGTH 20 mins upper, plan to do 10 mins core later

Late morning, I'm moving slow and so was LA. Last night he wrapped it for me. I slept poorly, waking a lot with pain but today so far it's much better. Still wrapped. Didn't bring the crutch. 

Yesterday only some extra veg, cott cheese, chicken, and salsa. Way less than usual. Still as full. 

I'll rearrange to do indoor Fit+ stuff until I can walk again. Gotta find a way to walk the dog though. 

Want to try scrubs, feels different, but that's imagination. 

4 days in. 30 days x 4 started. Rolled right ankle!

RUN 4+  miles WALK with a few jogs - 2.88 miles in 45 mins

I've finished 4 days of no FB and no RC. 

While jogging down to the mailbox to mail Jess' long over due letter (reached zero to-do btw) I somehow stumbled over my right foot and rolled my ankle, hard. Now 2.5 hours later, at work, it burns, still swelling, not yet bruised. I continued my walk, changed goal to 45 mins, included dog walk, managed the anxiety somehow. My stomach turning and heart racing. I have a long day ahead, meeting after meeting and suddenly the walk to Vantage is stress. 

This weekend was more stress too, as I perceptibly and obviously and undoubtedly gained weight. I can feel it especially in my thighs. Just looking at them sitting in the car, wearing shorts, the daily 75 Hard photo - all day, all the time, everywhere, doing anything. It's a smothering feeling, always on the brain, a panicky mindset, I want to do something anything something, but what can be acutely done? 

Oh, funny you ask. What did I do? Managed my stress in Moria, with de-loo-loo and ignorance and Queen of D thinking. 

So I plan and I think and I set goals and write shit and map things out - but that's the Planning phase and not the Action phase. The motivation is a waning thing, by getting home I'm mentally wiped and I have All The Excuses as to why. 

Based on the current audiobook - awful but whatever - ID your 3 main goals, figure out the behaviors and habits and (forget) that need to stop or start. Write Them Down. 

1. Weight
    I'm ignoring the reality of what I'm doing -->Log It ALL, ahead of time
    I'm distracted and mindless --> Turn off the damned phone
    I'm not following my plan --> Prepack to make it easy, and stick to it

2. Productivity, especially at work
    I'm wasting time on the internet/phone junk --> No MSN, Reddit, or NYT at work
    I have a list of things to do, but no Goal --> Set the daily goal, like the WTD
    I go week after week, where's the progress --> Set a weekly goal too

3. Moria
    I come home to Moria, first and foremost --> Walk the dog, do chores, all pre listed
    I'm eating at the c-top, random --> put it on a plate, photo-worthy, sit at the table
    I'm mindless and rushed and wasting at all points --> Wait, sit, focus

I've said all this before!

But my scrubs don't fit AT ALL yesterday. AT ALL. Like, not snug but past snug and can't pull up all the way. So. I'm breaking up the next 180 days until my 50th birthday into segments. 

Today - May 27 is the 1st 30 days. By then, the scrubs need to fit. This is ridiculous.

I have my ankle up during the meeting. Ice pack on it. Gawd, it hurts. 

WHY because scrubs and PCP initial appointment. 

Same again. 10 beads.

RUN 4.1 miles in about 47-49 mins

Same again last night. Home to Moria. Don't leave Moria and stay until it's too much. I wanted to curl in to a corner, find the answers, sit in the dark. 

10 beads to follow. 
You've overcome a Balrog

You've overcome a Monster

You've overcome Azuc

You've overcome Disney

You've overcome self-destruction

You will overcome RC

You will overcome FC

You will overcome C-top

You will overcome overage

You will overcome self-sabotage 

75Hard again, Day 1

Much better today. Last night, Ugh.

STRENGTH 30 mins upper

Sunny, bright day. Dog not eating much still since Sunday's travel, now eating grass and throwing it up. 

After thinking yesterday through and trying to find small improvements to start with - no rejections of LA. Just go with it, it's important to him. 

After thinking yesterday I'd do OK at night, I came home to a cookup meal standing, random, off plan, too much, FB and RC. The latter started with a potato in which I'd add "a normal amount of FB". Then a RC, in which I'd "just have half a one with a normal amount". FAIL. 

But I didn't count it as a fail. But I should have. I woke up this morning to realize the things I FORGOT to add. And I have CO today. 

Feels like mess. 

Day 1, with concessions. Argumentative. In my head.

RUN 4 miles in 45:45, all good

Totally in my head all morning. Critical, harsh, depressed, stuck in the past, worried about the future. 

While running, I'm coaching the backwoods girls in how to run, when they haven't even asked. I'm arguing with LA about his comment this morning (I've twice said that I'm taking the AA battery out of the weed sprayer, he says to keep it bc it's cheaper to buy the refill, then when I say "no" he accuses me of being argumentative). [Put it on your to do list, now]. Yes it's cheaper. No I don't want more shit accumulating in the garage. 

That sounds like two different problems, but just take out the battery and get rid of it. 

I'm worried about him leaving, constantly it seems. What I do doesn't seem good enough. Saturday night he hinted and hinted that we wanted his spaghetti squash cooked to Arlette. Finally I did it, after he wouldn't do it himself. Then we didn't eat it, and wanted to know why I left it out on the counter (because I thought he wanted it). Finally last night, he's complaining that I didn't pick the seeds out for him!? 

I feel like sex for him is an entirely experience different for me. He gets stress relief, emotional something, release, happiness. I don't. I get the pain at first, the waiting for anything physical, the lack of anything physical, then the fear that he'll be unhappy. I've turned to being grateful that he's not outwardly unhappy as a way to make myself feel better about it. 

I don't know how something that can feel so nothing for me, can be so amazing for him that he keeps wanting it. I often feel like a place he can just put his dick. In my mouth. In my ass. In my pussy. Were I to lose one or more of those, I fear I'd lose him. 

It's not that I don't enjoy the sex. Instead I enjoy the time with him, otherwise it's work and chores and youtube. But I experience it so differently. I want something different from it. If I could put that in words, I need to tell him. 

Fail Saturday. Fail Sunday. Now it's Monday.

Saturday RUN 4.2 in 49 mins

Sunday Travel so nothing

Monday today STENGTH 30 mins of total, rainy out so not much am walk.

Failed both days AGAIN due to FB and RC. I tell myself "Well keep it normal and it's OK". Don't totally abstain but be normal". FUCKING HELL. 

OVER OVER OVER numbers. No progress. 

Easter Monday. Start again. I'm not normal, there can't be a normal.

Mind is a mess after 14 hours yesterday in the car to take kids back. Saturday I had a (100% my fault) stupid conversation with Arlette when I started thinking out loud, then forced my opinion into her life about women being treated differently (at the VW, noting how LA handles the tires differently) and WTF did I do that and WTF didn't I apologize?! I still can do that, and am mentally writing the letter in my head. 

Then a mess after LA time this morning and I just don't feel physically things right now. I'm numbed to things. Depressed. Stressed, most likely. Like I'm waiting for something. 

Talking to Mom and Dad (50 years!!) Saturday and mom said, referring to herself, that CONTENTMENT is needed. And I realize, I'm not content. 

But what does that mean. Add it to my to do list. 

Yesterday fail on PB2 and FB and muggle meal

Yesterday STRENGTH 30 mins total
Today planned rest

Restart today. again. LA and kids came back here last night and that always puts my schedule in disarray. Be calm and plan ahead for contingencies.

Restart #1

75Hard modified is going

RUN 4 miles in 44:41! 3 mins faster, same routes. Felt great, still some foot pain. Left big toe mostly. Later after running the right ankle is stiff

It's easier when LA is gone to stick to my schedule and goals of 15' each Russian, watercolor, and stained glass; 45 mins workout; a schedule on my own. 

And M3 so much better when I preplate my huge-o salad, and throw out the foods that ain't allowed. But I get done eating and want something else and more and .... fatty?  Think on it. 

Today day 2!

Day 194 and the lonely but productive weekend, 75Hard day 1?

Saturday RUN 4 miles, walked only a few mins

Sunday STRENGTH total for 30' and core for 10', then RUN 1 mile with the dog

Monday today RUN 4 miles in 47 mins, walked only 5 mins

Back to back! Just realized that it's back-to-back-to-back. Careful!

LA is MO still, the rest of the week until Thurs. Another weekend of lonely eating, instant taters on Sunday, way too much. But SO MUCH DONE. Cleaning, yard, gardens, chores, mores. 

I started a 75 Hard today. A 75Medium? 

Reading 10 page, still doing

Drinking a gallon, still doing 

45 mins workout or walk on rest day

45 mins of personal devel of art, Russian, stained glass

Progress photo

BLE meals

No "cheat meals" of mug meals, rando-shit, eating from package or bag, etc. 

197 - how was 198 dinner? chores? oats?

Nothing yet today as the priority was to help LA get out the door for his week long trip to MO. 

Yesterday M3 was home to meal prep for his week. We didn't get a sit down dinner like I wanted, I did sit a few mins while I ate rice. I stuck to plan for the most part - no oats or PB2 at least - but still close to 15, over it if I'd just be honest.  

Dinner. Same. Not winning this. 

198 - How was 199 M3?

STRENGTH 30 mins of upper with my awesome new dumbbell

Last night was more of the same, better? Home to chores, that's better. Then chix, brussels, cottage cheese and potato, grapes, oats, and pb2. Those last 2 are auto-fails by my book. All else was planned. I threw out the mayo, fixed that issue. But oats AGAIN. 

I'm coming home alone and LA doesn't get there until 8pm or so. For some reason, I wait. I could get on with my night and do art, but I wait. He leaves tomorrow for a week and it's already stressing me out. 

:(

199 - how was 200s M3?

RUN 2.55 miles in 31 mins, I meant to walk more and had the dog. 38 mins total time, 24 mins running

I ran short on time (no pun intended) this morning wanting to spend time with LA before he leaves next week for MO. The dog joined for the first part, which was a bed of distraction. My red headphones disconnected from the phone, the phone didn't stay in my yoga pants pockets, I was wearing a hoodie that was overdressed, and the dog was pulling. Stop by the house, fix much of that, back out. 

How was M3 yesterday? SAME. Home tired to Moria chicken chicken mayo, then salsa, oat paste, grapes and more grapes, applesauce, mustard mayo and aminos. I thought I was behind the 12, I ended after the 16. 

FUCK

Today I have my 5 things for me and 5 things for work. So far 3pm I'm good on 1 for work and 2 for me. GO!!!

200

STRENGTH 30 mins of total with my new dumbbell set!

Today, no more excuses. And - NO- not the bee necklace nor gray bracelets nor the thumb ring have SHIT to do with this. It's on YOU. 

I think my lunch has gone over. Should I go to cafeteria or wait it out?

I have my list, I have tons of swirling thoughts. But simply my first goal is NOT FUCK UP M3 like I did last night (it was a "tomorrow" mental issue). 

200 days until I turn 50. 

200 days until under 1200, and to do so I need to get under/at 1200. 

And no dried oatmeal paste shit will get you there. 

Finished Sherlock Holmes book Sunday. Finished the Hamlet summary yesterday (yawn). Also finished Wind in the Willows yesterday (Monday). Started Les Misérables right after WitW, and the first line of the Les Mis intro mentioned Mr Toad!! 
Now go update your book list. 
If I only do 10 pages a day of Les Mis, at ~1300 pages it will take 130 days. That's August 16th. Yikes, read more faster. 

201 days away

RUN 3 miles in 32 mins, 2 mins were walking

Last weeks runs were 34 mins, 4 of which were walking. Over the past weekend, I drove to IL and back with ZERO done Sat and Sun. Family time vs a walk...easy choice this weekend. 

I'm unhappy with many things, most unhappy with what feels like lack of fitness improvement (nothing changes if nothing changes) and what is certainly weight gain (not hormones, not anything else). I keep saying I'll change, but nothing changes. Meal plans, training plans, habit tracking. I'm not doing any art, no russian, I'm doing planning. Not action. Plans plans plans. Things I want to do, things I say I'll do, then things I don't do. 

50th birthday is 201 days away. I WasGonna start today, but no it's tomorrow because that's what I do - plan to change, not actually change. 

What has changed? Aldi shopping yesterday was a win - no PB or CrmCheese. I did go for my run this morning. I did buy the dumbell set from Target after months of looking at it. 

Tomorrow - have a set GOAL. Well I do have a goal - under 1200 in two ways. But I need a way to get there, and that's where I stick. 

50K for 50th bday

I have so much to say, but no desire to say it. I'm in delusion about the "changes" I make. Delusion about how much of this and that. Obsessed with plans and numbers. 

But when it comes to actually fixing M3 and habits, well, it's more delusion I guess. Things just ain't changing. 

My mind looks for ways out. Last night it was our anniversary, and so extra dry oats. My belly is big because something else is "wrong" and it's terrible. I ran, so it's OK. I need to talk to Coach P again. All this shit, but NO CHANGE to what really NEEDS TO CHANGE. 

I come home tired, mind wiped, hungry, and fall into old habits. It's that simple. 

I found two races right around my bday, and will do one or both. If Slava and/or LA want to do the backyard ultra the week prior, that might be my race. Stupidly, my run the other day had visions of me running 50 miles. Visions of explaining my SCAD and injuries to people. My mind is stuck. 

So much to say, but this isn't in what I need to say. It's in what I need to DO.