Sunday July 11th
I'd heard from SO that New Town Tri was this weekend, he was racing. I began to wonder who else was racing and volunteering, and was also surprised that I'd entirely forgotten that NTT was even a thing. After years and hours of training there, volunteering, driving out that far to spend a long Saturday - I'd forgotten about it?! I haven't volunteered since...2014? Visited since...2017? So no wonder I'd forget.
So that morning was a mix of sads. I was missing my SBR, seeing other runners and bikers all the time along the streets, I was leaving LA for a week in STL. It was raining and gloomy. I was distractedly unhappy, and it came out in tears right before I left.
My injury has invaded my dreams - in my dreams I'm lame and limp. I still have flashbacks to a trail or path or road - but I'm not moving on it like before. I'm just there. It's mentally terrible.
So no I haven't lost a limb. My foot is still there and I can walk and I have potential for recovery. It just seems so far away, and I sometimes have a hard time even imagining running again. It just seems so far away.
I'm signed up for my deferred-deferred-deferred Hennepin 100. That's way out of reach, I know that. A 100 miler will take seasons to build back up to. But making zero progress on that doesn't help me mentally either.
After a few tears about the part of my life that is missing (I don't think LA really understands this), I left to drive to Illinois, carefully in the new car with my injured foot. I was tired and spaced out and had to stop for an hour in Indiana.
Then more sadness as I cleaned out my truck and sat in it for probably the last time. I found my missing bike commuters shoes I didn't know I was missing, a few bundles of safety pins from races, a vial of alcohol for post swims, a few of those nuts from new bike tubes, and overall just a mess. We were in a hurry those last days in May, but this was a mess beyond just those last days. This was depressing, and a sign of my depression. That I could live with such a mess, ..., no wonder I was so unhappy.
Monday July 12
Up to clear the trailer for LA, visit a bit more with the family, then drive to STL. As I approached the city, I didn't feel excitement, just anxiety. A quick hour a work, the I met up with TH, TG, and EC!! Sadly I had to use the map function to remember where CCP is!? It's been how long since I've been there? I forgot?! We had a three hour visit, and I felt so out of sync and yet so comfortable with them.
They are all great - racing and running and moving. EC says she is more of a hiker and dog walker, TG is doing gravel tris, and TH is qualified for Worlds?! They mentioned names, races, places - more that I'd forgotten about - and I was enthralled and excited and thinking I'd love to join FB just to see the strength training sessions, meet ups, news, photos, and etc of my new home in A2 and here in STL. Just to be in the "know" and the "share" and the activity. That part of my life that's missing!
I'm missing that feeling of purpose and connection (to me and to others) that I derived from triathlon. I woke up in the morning and I had a goal that was for me and no one else. I did things for ME and no one else. I had 1-? hours a day that were MINE. My plans, my execution, my reward. And I'm missing that now.
It's more than just the ability to SBR and move and walk the dog. It's being able to do this one thing for me.
I was able to talk about this a bit to the group, they understand, they were encouraging.
Back later to the AirBnB, this one south of BJC. Not as nice, but it will work.
---> Not sure where to put this or how to mark it, but for the 3rd and 4th time now (5 and 6 if you count the mouth swelling) some part of me randomly swelled up. First was in my mouth in the hotel with the kids June 15 or so, but not itchy. Same or next day, my left foot swelled up at the heel - super itchy, skin swollen, can't walk, lasted a few hours. Then while sister was here, July 7th or so, the left side of my face swelled up (but not itchy). Then last... Saturday July 10? my left foot at the ball of my foot burned and swelled a bit. Then yesterday July 12 on the drive my right foot heel burned and swelled up. Then last night my left hand palm swelled up, that spread into my right ulnar area. I took benedryl's for this, but I'm not sure if that helped at all.
Tuesday July 13
Last night when BE texted to offer a 6 or 7 am meetup, I naturally chose the 6am -- that's when we're supposed to run!! I had trouble falling asleep last night, odd location, cold bed, walking boot, itch on my arm, some mild smell in the bedding, and most of all no LA. Three more nights like this.
BE and I met at the Starbuck's on Grand and talked almost 2 hours. He's racing and did New Town, has races coming up. I miss talking to him!! We had great conversations on our Monday bike, Tuesday run, and Thursday run. EW is out of town, so I don't get to see her.
Then off to work, after a bouncy breakfast and some Downton Abbey clips. Good show, now I want to watch more of it.
Great day at work, even though my PCRs need to be repeated.
Wednesday July 14 = (1-2-3)*7!
Better sleep last night, and more rested. I want to walk, but the neighborhood and the boot and the sorta-late schedule and New Hire Drug Test means nope. Back to work, a disrupted day with a child counselor call in the middle. Before I could get the PCRs set up, I had to leave for followup with Dr Backus.
Great appointment - the joint is too stiff! I need to be touching and moving and massaging and I'm not. I've been afraid to touch it - as if it were fragile - and in doing so it's still stiff and swollen. Heck, I didn't even scrub it enough to remove the post surgical strip adhesive! I thought it was dry skin, I though it was fragile, and the nerve healing burn I felt made me anxious. So MOVE it.
Therapy 3x a week instead of 2x a week, as a way for the therapist to regulate/limit my activity. Get walking, and use the 2 week boot weaning protocol. Use pain as a guide for whether it's a recovery pain or an injury pain. NO RUNNING, but I told him about the Hennepin 100 and that I knew it's out of reach. He said he knew a guy who did all four Leadville races 50 and 100, bike and run, and ooooohhhhh I love it.
He said he usually has to encourage his patients to do more, but for me I have to do less. Normal for me is not the normal the protocols are talking about. Normal means what "fat people like me" would do and I don't think he was fat, but I get the idea. He wants me walking normally soon, not the 1-2 months from now that I feared. Days 1-3: 1 hour out of the boot each in am and pm. Then 2 hrs, then 3, then 4, then FREE.
Thursday July 15 short hair again!
Another full day at work, with a break to get my hair cut short again. The model was the October 2018 pictures in BPW. It feels more professional and adult. I was playing with it too much, twirling and barretting and pushing it back. Better to just have it clean. But now it looks so dark!
LA arrived last night and I had my boot off for most of the evening. Even if I was sitting for most of it, I was still unbooted. Oh - and Weds night and Thurs night -- slept without it! But I did too much I think.
Friday July 16 - eggs and AIP, and last day at work
Yup, I did too much yesterday and woke up with a stiff and sore foot. Not injury pain, just tight and swollen. Speaking of which - both ankles were VERY swollen yesterday - and I need to figure that out. I've been sitting more. I ate ham with salt. And I ate lots of zucchini. Those are 3 changes I've made this week. I already reduced added salt, and maybe only the ham salt could be counted as "extra" salt. Overnight I woke up to 3 big pees and much less swelling. Brekkie had only the bacon salt, nothing added, and no zucchini.
But I did have eggs! I told myself back in May that I would AIP until this day. And eggs are the only food I miss. I don't miss the coconut flour, nuts, almond flour, cassava, bad oils, coffee and caffeine. Mayhaps tomatoes and peppers could sneak back in, but I don't miss them much either.
Did AIP make a difference? My face feels so much better, but I gotta account for the lack of stress for moving to A2 and having the surgery over. The mild twitch is still sometimes there, it's not gone. So AIP or stress? Dunno. But I'm glad I did it.
It was a hard day at work - my last day physically there. LA was taking his annual exam at the AirBnB, and I was dreading the end of this time. In the last hour, TM came by and we had a great talk - from his goals and the last 6 years in StL, his upcoming goals, what he's happy with, onto gravlox recipe, a critical thinking class he's teaching, and just wonderful. Then a tearful hug with AH, and I'm out.
It's raining, LA is done with his exam, we pack the AirBnB, get the truck/trailer from parking near the previous AirBnB, then out of StL. Finally, everything I own in St Louis is out of St Louis.
We drive to St Robert in the hopes of getting the kids, but it didn't happen. So back to St Louis. But at least it's temporary.
Saturday July 18th - Hermann, nap, St Robert again
Up to getting out of the AirBnB again, I never did get to walk with RM and his ailing dog Daisy, but off to Hermann to spend the day. On the way to St Robert, the combination of late nights + BBQ/saurkraut/stress + sitting to travel caught up to my gut and it ballooned out. LA found a Katy Park stop near Portland and we cleared the back seat of the car out for a sunroof-nap-rest. A few hours later, back to St Robert for a few nights at the hotel. Note too that the ankle swelling of the past few days started to improve. Salt? Sitting? Zucchini?
Sunday July 19th - in St Robert
I haven't been mentioning this, but I'm out of my boot more and more. Most of the time, I'm not walking but sitting or resting. I'm sleeping sans boot now, and it's OK. When it comes to walking a distance, I boot up. I'm massaging and touching - still uncomfortable but I'm getting it. The stretching is hard to do between the fear of damaging it and the discomfort - but again I'm getting it. I've been in a compression sock (just one sock, haha, a black San Diego tri club one) and that feels good. It also hides the fact that I haven't shaved in 1-2 weeks, haha. My leg is so withered, the left leg feels it too.
Today my ankle swelling is gone. I sat a lot yesterday, and ate the piece of bacon, and BBQ but no added salt. Whatever, dammit that bothers me.
Back to the ankle - it's improving. It has a "click" every now and then. It catches on the carpet now and then and I mentally prepare for the worst yet not much happens. Keep stretching, keep going, keep working!!
ETA The next two weeks we were on vacation to Floriday. I slowly weaned out of the boot. Some ups and downs with it - days where I did too much and regressed back to the book. But I did the two weeks even if not exactly like the protocol said.
I did OK traveling, lots of stomach upset and etc, from sitting in the car and possible exposures. But it was still my best trip maybe ever for traveling, I stayed to AIP and goals (except eggs, I needed to eat something) and worked through the issues. At least up until the end of the trip, by then my gut was in rebellion and I came home on the Friday July 30 with a stopped up - yet diarrhetic - gut. Days later it's still off balance and I can't seem to eat much vegetables at all. But I did it!! I a long trip!
And now I'm moved to Michigan.
