Keep finding Parts

And some of them are vocal but not identified. I fail to clearly visualize the Parts, do I need to? That Future Me that I'm supposed to clearly see - what if I can't? I see everything but the face. 

Bad days the last few weeks, rushed and stressed. Well the days are good but the nutrition, exercise, relaxation aren't. I haven't painted or stained glassed in ...weeks? Maybe next week at the end of spring break. 

I'm feeling and seeing the effects of this. Clothes aren't fitting like they used to! I don't feel energetic or strong. Each day I get through it doing what I can. But at the end of the day, it's fatigue and regrets. 

M3 is a particular problem, as in like, Really A Problem. Yesterday was the first day in ...? that I've been able to NOT fall into Moria, NOT go to bed feeling sick, and NOT regretting it all. Keep that up!

CEO of StagNation: Protectors and Exiles

From a Hubermann podcast, a totally new approach for me of identifying and working on issues. I'll need more time for this later. For now, I'll start by saying that one of the Parts, not sure who, called me the CEO of Stagnation and asked who put me in charge. 

What is the opposite of stagnation? Sidetrack. Amelioration? Is this AmeliaNation? ha. 

So who said that? A louder Part, a vocal one, the one that been doing most of the complaining. 
Amelia. Another sidetrack. 

This louder voice and I need to work together. As the leader (seemingly) of the other parts, talk and work this out. 

I'm listening to the audio book, not entirely focused on it. But what change could I do right now, today? 

Yesterday's CEO comment from... the Vocal One. This is the one that yells and cusses and demeans me. Where did that one come from? I can "see" many other parts, this one seems to speak for multiple? For the Azog, Moria, Blerch bandwagon. When I'm wrong, lazy, off-track. 

Where do I feel it? 

JBP: the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction

AH...He's been sober more than four years now he got out of there and never looked back and I wonder now, whether something something must've changed in his brain by adopting what it was essentially a different structure structure, but wasn't doing it before extreme consequences were on the table at that time When he went in weren't enough something about going there and the work that he did there allowed him to then it's almost like he got another prefrontal cortex. 

JBP...well that's not a bad way of thinking about - that people are trying to do when they Pray. So you can invite in spirits to possess you. That's a good way of thinking about it. I know that's odd terminology but that's what you do when you dwell on your rage right? Imagine that you're doing that in the most positive possible direction, so what you're doing is your generating a hypothesis about the motive conduct and perception that would best help you if you were ideal, and then establishing a relationship with that, and inviting it in that's what the evangelical protestants are doing when they formulate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That's exactly what they're doing. 

... This is another insistence that's derived from the religious literature, so, because the idea is that if your aim is the pathway forward to that will make self-manifest, and that's true. You could think of our perceptual systems and our emotional system as navigating tools, right? So now the addiction, the addicted brain, see the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction, right so now the highest God is cocaine so now all pathways in the world, our pathway to cocaine all objects in the world are markers on the pathway to cocaine cause it just dominates, but it's not it's not just an impulse it dominates the perceptual landscape as well. Well that makes the emotional landscape and it comes with all these rationalizations that's all those lies. Right,the whole thing,whole personality, brutal, brutal.