1354, or was it 2

Tuesday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins

I was gonna do some strength training but my gut.... feels so full and stagnant. 

Last night - came home to salmon left over, then planned dinner on a warm plate seated, then turkey turkey+mustard then turkey+mayo and then potato/carrot nibbles from the roasting. Then a few grapes. Then a few cherries. Then I'm too full. Then LA and I have a tiff about the down payment (this time he can't talk to me like an adult) and then a tiff over the hotel for this weekend after the place he'd picked earlier was taken. He blamed me for not booking it. Sorry, I was at work while he was napping, and after I spend more time looking for another place all I get for it (that'll teach you a lesson).Ugh. I went to bed. Who needs that shit? Not me. 

Today I went to gym then eat brekkie half standing half sitting before shower and walk- the plan was seated after shower and walk. Ugh, again. But I'm OK - until I start noming turkey and a bit of mayo. NO!! Shower, walk, cleanup, a few chores, drive to work. On time! Plan is for lunch (which, thankfully didn't upset the gut yesterday, but might be cause of today's gut issue) after 1230 after hungry. Just calm down. 

ETA- M3 better? I stopped sooner and wasn't too full. 

Wednesday RUN/WALK 2 miles in 30 mins

My legs were just tight and tired, couldn't enjoy the fact that I felt - wiped out!! After only 8 minutes I had to slow down. Worse, I wasn't even going full or normal speed to begin with!

ETA - M3 better, some coconut milk fruit. Was OK until 830 and wanted back into Moria for ....?? Out. In. Out. In. Turkey. Bed too full. 

Thursday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins and 20 mins pull STRENGTH

I saw a lot of runners on the way to dropping off LA at work, and I saw a runner last night while taking the carts to the curb. She reported it was icy and not great for running. I both wanted to run today and follow my MWF schedule of running. I elliptical'd, and made a point to effort it, unlike I did Tuesday. 
I listed to PofE podcast - Raelene - and identified with her story. Knowing what to do, but "lacking the discipline" to do it. Is that me. Kinda. I'm still listening. But so much of it the same. Waiting to buy clothes. On and off a plan. Feeling like no progress gets made. 

Friday Run 2 miles treadmill, then a travel day

Weekend - I've started grading my days by color. Blue on Sunday!

1356, BLE AGAIN, and 500 days, 108 days, and 1600 days! INTEGRITY

Monday 2 miles on treadmill running, and the first strength session - Pull A

Monday today is 500 days of no M!! M is still there, lurking and trying. Sometime he gets an eyeball out to peek and tempt, but ...nope. So I made that major change, but why hasn't much else changed?! Because he's mutated into standing at the ctops and nomming and randomness and BLTs. Mindless iphone surfing. 

So. Make today Day 1, really Day 1, of BLE. Yesterday I spent hours in the kitchen and all meals are prepared for 7 days. All of them. Planned and packed. Do this. 

At the gym today, it was nice to see Burlington across the lots, a reminder of what I couldn't do Saturday trying on clothes. And today on the treadmill - like a spectrum - someone ahead of me on a treadmill and someone behind me on the elliptical. What to be and what no to be. No, be ME. Going to the gym, reading books, thinking about Patreon colored pencil classes, on time to work, better clothes, and calmness.

Later -- I was looking at my Reminder app and found that it's 501 days past Monster, 108 days to graduation, and 1599 days past Balrog. Let's call it 1600.

There's so much I want to say here, but most of it's mental. Every fucking day I want to do better, what stops me? I do! I quit, fade, give up, decide it's too hard, think I've done enough. Nothing changes, until I change what I do. It's gotta end, move on to the next part of life!

HOLY SHIT!! 108 days of BLE could have me 1174-1267. But only if I have Integrity, which is Coach Patrick's topic for the weekly email: 

You might say you’re finally ready to do something about your diet.

You might even set a goal and create a plan.

You might say with sincerity that you’re ready to take action and lose the weight.

But are you DOING anything about it?

Are you showing up for yourself every day and doing what it takes?

Are you sticking to that plan even when you don’t feel like it?

Are you being in integrity with yourself?

Are you honoring your word to yourself?

It’s a simple question with a simple answer. Yes or no.

There is no “kinda sorta” being in integrity with yourself…, you either are, or you're not.

When you’re in integrity with yourself, it means you honor your commitments to yourself.

When you’re in integrity with yourself, you build self-confidence and trust within yourself.

Being in integrity with yourself drives you forward and motivates you to keep going...no matter what.

Being in integrity with yourself means you start getting results.

Being in integrity with yourself gives you back your power.

Ask yourself the question, “Am I being in integrity with myself?”, and then answer it honestly...yes or no.

You got this!

1370, New Moon, BLE

Put notes here. But not now because I'm supposed to be at work doing something else! Tomorrow! (Later told I was a waste of time, not a good day for me).

OK Friday January 12th seems the start. Last night I read the needed planning parts of the BLE book (the "why" chapters I've yet to read, waiting for hardback maybe) and packed lunch and dinner for the next 3-4 days. It wasn't creative, veg this and veg that until ounces required met. I need to retool breakfasts if I'm not supposed to be doing nuts more than 2x a week. And I need to retool all meals so I'm not throwing veggies in a bucket like I did last night.

So, take the salmon and chili recipes already identified, and just change the plate up!

Day 1. 1350 Traveling Monday. Nailed 1 and 2, had to modify 3 because eating a huge salad just before dinner....nope. I ate salmon and veggies instead. No sugar. No flour. 3 meals. Measured. I was Hungry all drive back. I swapped the 1 fruit out for protein, thinking it would last longer. 

Day 2. 1342 Tuesday back at work. 30 run at gym, then brekkie at 7am, earlier than planned. Hungry by 1030. I had half fruit and half protein. Just seems like a lotta carbs with the oats and fruit in one meal? When did that stop me before?! Day 2 ended OK, but I had early lunch 1130, grapefruit snack 4pm, HUNGRY 6pm at home and added a lot of extra veggies. And a few cashews. And hummus. Ugh, and added meals worth. But no sugar, no flour, 3 meals + snack, measured. 

Day 3 1332 post BM. Am I tracking that too? Late M1 as I wasn't hungry, 1130. So lunch will be...330....dinner 730. PLAN THIS. update  - came home hungry again, same chili with extra veg, but I was satisfied and full and didn't feel the need to go back for more later. Munched some hummus, extra protein, a few nuts, tho. Not per plan!

Day 4 1334 post bm, 1348 before!! I went to gym after dropping LA off at work, but the gut discomfort was awful and after waiting awhile at the gym and nothing happening, I went home without a workout, had a uncomfortable ride home, then with ... assisstance... managed to take care of things. Ugh. Hit goal of showering first, now goal of after noon, then goal of just slowing down for m3. Don't rush!  Update - SAME FUCKING SHIT. Home hungry, immediately to Moria, immediately, tonight unplanned (turkey nom nom) then later realizing I had to change then veggies, then hummus, then nuts, then nuts with butter, then hummus..... Went to bed feeling so bloated and huge.

Day 5 Friday 137 before... bm at work (after extra magnesium last night)...so it's less than 137 but it still causes so much chatter. I feel awful. Then I'm on myself - telling myself that nothing changes unless something changes  and standing around eating spoonfuls of hummus and unplated food is well...no change. So today - medical appointment, early to work at 6am for that, could be a messed up schedule day. But I can keep to my other PLANS: M1 at 9am and M2 after 1pm, and M3 - JFC, just get it right. 

Day 6 and Day 7 - at home, 137 and 133 and Ugh. Went shopping and bought clothes! Didn't even look at pants and etc, just can't. Found shirts and a bag and shoes! Both days No S and No S but snacking and unmej'd. Sunday afternoon just gave up counting and guessing and was stuffed.

Second week of 2024

Monday RUN 2.2 miles at gym for 30 mins
Tuesday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins and also 2.1 miles, so I'm slow as fuck right now
Wednesday RUN 2.2 miles again
Thursday REST, sleep

Monday just under 5 hour of sleep, I didn't talk LA to work but drove on my own. And picked up a super excited Nova! Home, shower, work. I have a LONG list of things to do. And updating this is NOT on the list!

Tuesday fucking bloody  hell I had this typed up and then it wouldn't save, and I thought well I need to say more, and I said it, and it didn't save. Here I am again, I'll try to rewrite it:

I woke up to 1378 and misread it as 1338 and FUCKING HELL WTF. Well, last night I came home hungry and post-errands and unplanned and ate: salmon, applesauce, rice, potato, crackers, a few nuts, 2 dates with butter, bites of turkey and cranberry sauce (I FORGOT this in the previous type up), sauerkraut, and what else am I forgetting?!? Oh yea, the two buttered breads I ate at 1200am yesterday morning when we came home). FUCK, the fucking chocolate yesterday morning. FUCK the cocoa-milk-butter mix I ate too. I want to list this line by line so I can SEE it. But to have that in my post history?! Remembered Olives. And Dolmas. I could cry.

salmon

applesauce

potato

rice

chocolate

saurkraut

cocoa

more cocoa

turkey

cranberry sauce

crackers

crackers

nuts

olives

3 dolmas

JFC, anything else. ?

I keep saying I need to change, but I'm not doing it. I keep making the same mistakes. In what world does cherry jelly slices and repeat noms (notice how you just solo obsessive nom in hotel rooms, SOLO!?) and this and that and forget and forgot - in what world does that add up to positive change?! I can count many changes - I avoided all other candies, didn't buy protein powder, threw away much of the chocolate bar, ....  

But look at that list, and ask yourself, how in the world is that positive change for the better? And go back right now, and bold all the things you didn't log! I could cry. 

Just.... just.....change! Try! Please. 

Do I want to keep this post?

Wednesday reread the above and absorb it first...go ahead, I'll wait. OK, wow, lotsa pain in that. Yesterday to avoid that all over again I packed a veggie snack for after 3pm, and I created a Come Home Goals list of tiny chores, and planned to drink water from my new bee cup. It worked!! I came home to a light grab of turkey while feeding the dog, then went upstairs for chores. So...keep this up. 

Today 1364, it still hurts. I have a HUGE list of to-dos. All these plans. I want a better journal (one page per day), I want to go back to my folded-iNotes method, I want set checklists for the day.... plan plan plan needs to Do Do Do.

Thursday woke up to 1370 and I feel terrible. But let's rewind. Last night was almost 2 dinners - before phone call and after, stressed standing random. It spiraled into trying Jess's caramels, oats + FB+ maple granules.

Happenstance that the BLE cook book and BLE eBook came to me. Like an omen. I started reading, and my first impression is like "whoa lots of veggies, that's be easy" then I realized that I'm NOT eating veggies much. Like dinner? Was supposed to be broccoli and turkey and some carb. But it turned into some turkey and caramels and cocoa+FB+applesauce and oats+FB+maple and nuts and pickles and ooooh a BITE of carrot. 

So BLE it is, starting on Today's New Moon. 

First week of January

Tuesday RUN 2 miles at the gym!! 
Wednesday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins
Thursday travel day
Friday RUN 30 mins at hotel gym, 2.3 miles?
Saturday WALK 30 mins treadmill at hotel
Sunday RUN 20 mins at hotel

Monday "the first day" but all day Moria. WTF. Let's remember that after azuc and tort and more, 136 and swollen, pained. 

Tuesday I took LA to work, his first day back as well, and I used the opportunity to get to the gym. WooHoo! Home to work with Slava on his Chromebook, then shower, and off to work. The run felt great, and I played all the good songs as a reward. Keep it up and find a strength training plan. Find a race too? My goals today are to NAIL the MP plan, find a strength plan, and NOT overdo M3. Stick the landing. 

I failed the landing. I didn't go over much 1411, but it was the HOW. As soon as I came home, no pause or wait. I was H, but still.

Wednesday Same as yesterday, except I did elliptical (my knees are tight) and took an earlier bus since the kids were still in bed. AGAIN, came home to Moria no pause or wait, and took M1 off plan and early. Realized this morning that I've pretty much quit the bread, since... Thursday? And dates, for weeks. GOOD.

M2 to plan, and again to Moria for M3. Immediately  and rushed and anxious and stressed and random. This has to change. 

Thursday Up early again but this time stayed at work 6 hours. Started the NourishingMeals program for us, a get a 7 day trial. Travel to St Robert

Weekend All great, buzy, I'd packed most all the food we needed and only two dinners for kids were off meals. The drive back Sunday started at 1pm and we got home at 1130pm!! WOOOO 5 hours of sleep!

2023 Book List = 133

JANUARY

1. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, audio
2. Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, audio
3. The Only, audio, 3rd book about Byx
4. A Monstrous Regiment of Women, audio, #2 in series
5. The More of Less, audio
6. Joy at Work, partially finished audio
7. 💥War and Peace, Hemingway List - FINISHED August 14th, 2023!!
   SUM 7

FEBRUARY

1. Happier At Home, audio
2. The Last Grand Duchess, audio, Olga Romanov novel
3. The Family Romanov, audio
4. The Romanov Sisters, audio
5. Cleaning House, audio
6. Tsarina, audio, Empress Catherine
   SUM 13

MARCH

1. Catherine the Great, audio, by Robert Massie
2. The Tsarina's Daughter, audio, Empress Elizabeth
3. The Secret Wife, audio, fluff about Tatiana Romanov
4. The Butler, audio, a letdown
5. The Second Mrs Astor, audio
6. The Secret Life of Josephine, audio
   SUM 19

APRIL

1. The Letter of Mary, audio, #3 in series
2. Napoleon, audio, 33 hours!
3. Atomic Habits, e-book, 4th time reading, want the audiobook next
4. Darkstalker, audio, Slava recommendation
5. Sapiens, audio, James Clear recommendation
   SUM 24

MAY

1. The Alchemist, audio, LA recommendation
2. Breaking Addition, audio 
3. Brief History of Time, audio, James Clear recommendation
4. Mary Russells' War, audio, #0.5 in series
5. Wuthering Heights, eBook, might take a while, it's replacing Reddit! AND I LOVED IT!!!
6. 👇Hillsdale Constitution 101: The Meaning and History, online course, 
7. Stillness is the Key, audio, James Clear recommendation
8. The Red Badge of Courage, audio to fill time between books
9. When Breath Becomes Air, James Clear recommendation 
10. Trust Me, I'm Lying, audio (same author as Stillness)
11. Albert Nobbs, book, by George Moore (author on the Hemingway List)
12. Obsessed, audio
13. The Art of Good Conversation, audio
14. The Open Boat, audio. Hemingway List
15. For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Hemingway, audio
16. Madame Bovary, Hemingway List, eBook
17. The Four Winds, audio, fluff filler
18. The Sun Also Rises, by Hemingway, audio
19. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway, audio
20. The Dubliners, eBook, Hemingway list
21. The Old Man and The Sea, by Hemingway, audio
22. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, on the second Hemingway List, audio
    SUM 46

JUNE

1. 💤Gravity's Rainbow, a GAN by Thomas Pynchon, 37 hours audio! And library book. Returned unread.
2. Marie Kondo's Kurashi at Home, audio
3. The Moor, Mary Russell #4, audio
4. 👎Courage is Calling, Ryan Holiday, audio, repetitive didn't finish
5. 💬The Red and The Black, Stendahl, audio
6. Anna K, audio book, break from serious stuff, modern Anna Karenina 
7. Anna K Away, audio book, sequel to above
   SUM 52

JULY 

1. Justice Hall, Mary Russell #6, audio (was waiting on #5, it arrived after I'd started!)
2. Royals, audio YA fluff
3. O Jerusalem, Mary Russell #5, audio (did I finish 6 before this? Yes, barely!)
4. American Royals, more YA fluff on audio book
5. Make Your Bed, Admiral McRaven, audio book, only 2 hours
6. Majesty, YA fluff #2 in series. I'm actually enjoying it. 
7. The Game, Mary Russel #7 audiobook
8. The Princess Diaries, more fluff. I need some fluff I guess
9. 👉Infinite Jest, 56 hour audio, won't finish, even tried the hard cover. Good, but too long. 
10. How to Think Like A Roman Emperor, audiobook, kinda skimmed to the end of this
    SUM 61

AUGUST

1. I'm Glad My Mom Died, audiobook
2. Immune, audiobook and informative!
3. Victoria, audiobook of novelized fiction, AEA recommendation
4. 👉The Gates of Europe, audiobook, saw at the library and we'll see, UNFINISHED
5. Victoria the Queen, audio biography
6. When Death Becomes Life, audio, "notes from a transplant surgeon"
7. Rivals, YA fluff #3 in series
8. (I quit Reddit again) ✌
9. Mindful parenting, let's see..., audio super-speed read through, meh
10. The Last Russian Doll, audio book I saw in the airport - in April!, Oh my, its' GOOD!
11. 💤The Thousandth Floor, by same author as the Royals, audio
12. 💤After the Romanovs, audio with slooooowwwww and bad accent, couldn't get past 2 chapters
13. Echoes, D Steele, audio fluff, better than expected
14. Divergent, audio, Arlette was reading this trilogy
15. An Elegant Defense, another immunology audio 
16. The Winter Palace, 💫 hardback book, 1st of a 2 book series
    SUM 74

SEPTEMBER

1. The Eye Of The World, #1 in R Jordan series, long 30 hours audio, also have 💫to reference
2. The Da Vinci Code, audio
3. Empress of the Night, 💫 hardback book, 2nd of a 2 book series
4. Princess in the Spotlight, audio fluff
5. Girl, Wash Your Face, audio
6. Hatchet, from the PBS 100 Most Loved list, 4 hr audio
7. Locked Rooms, Mary Russell #8
8. Fourth Wing, audio, #1 in series, no so YA, better than expected
9. The Fall of Numenor, Tolkien!! 💫
10. Along Came A Spider, PBS list, audio
11. Anna Karenina, audio, might be hard as I've noticed the classics are difficult by audiobook
    SUM 85

OCTOBER 

1. Reign, audio book #4 in the series
   
2. Making of the Atomic Bomb, audio 37.5 hours audio, what a great book
   
3. Insurgent, #2 in series by Veronica Roth
   
4. Just Eat, audio to fill gaps
   
5. Starch Solution, 💤, didn't read past third of way in, don't count
6. Allegiant, #3 in V Roth series
7. Gone Girl, PBS list, audio
8. Noom, 💫 Audio book still months away maybe
9. The Great Hunt, #2 in the Robert Jordan series, 26 hours?! Get 💫instead.
10. Imperial, prequel to the Royals series
11. Clash of Kings, hours of wonderful GRRM. 
12. The Hive Queen #12 Wings of Fire
13. The Language of Bees, the book that started it, Mary Russell #9
    SUM 96

NOVEMBER

1. 👉Dune, PBS list, terrible audio "production" with varied voices and noises. Get 💫
2. Dragonet Prophecy, #1 Wings of Fire
3. Pillars of the Earth, PBS, re-read by audio, 41 hours! Great book
4. The Awakening, Kate Chopin from Writer's Museum 💫
5. The Ten Keys to Reality, Frank Wilczek 💫
6. Stolen Focus, waited months to get this as audio book, not worth the wait 💫
7. White Teeth, PBS list, Struggling to listen. I just can't get into it!
8. 💬Black Stallion, audio, LOVE IT
9. Where the Red Fern Grows, PBS list, like White Teeth it's a lot of accents/vernacular
10. And Then There Were None, PBS list, good until the ending
    
11. Pride and Prejudice, PBS list and a re-read from years ago
12. Hooked, how to make things addictive 💫
13. Indistractable, same author as above, how to get unhooked 💫
14. Nineteen eighty four, PBS re-read, 💫
15. Great Courses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 1, 8hrs, Audible
16. The Giver, PBS audio, youth book
17. Willpower, Baumeister habits book, eBook, kinda skimmed as a re-read
18. The Lovely Bones, PBS list, audio
19. Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Audio
20. Iron Flame, #2 of book started in September, audio 28 hours
21. To Kill A Mockingbird, PBS list, audio
22. You, Happier, audio, same guy as Change Your Brain
    SUM 116

DECEMBER

1. A Traitor To His Class, FDR audio 37 hours! Great book but listened in a hurry.
   
2. Dune, PBS list, 💫
3. Age of Innocence, 💫 Edith Wharton also from Writer's Museum 👍
4. God of the Hive, Mary Russell #10
5. Looking for Alaska, PBS list
6. Triggers, audiobook, another about habits
7. The Outsiders, YA on the PBS list. Thankfully only 5 hours
8. The Joy Luck Club, PBS list
9. Twilight, Ugh, PBS list, it's awful
10. One Hundred Years of Solitude, PBS list  Just can't. 
11. All Systems Red, recommended by Tim, audio
12. Another Country, PBS list, at 43% I just quit. I couldn't
13. Ghost, PBS list YA book
14. CP with a Jerk 💫
15. CP Etiquette 💫
16. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, PBS list 
17. Ready Player One, PBS list audio
18. The Help, PBS list 
19. The Outlander, PBS list, awful wish-fulfillment fantasy. Quit at 27%

SUM TOTAL 133 books

Holiday Week into 2024

 Traveled to Illinois Saturday morning. I’ve realized that my terrible upset is from eating corn in one of the new breads. This lasts into next Tuesday! Drive through south Chicago-dismal- then a teary eye drop off Nova at the kennel. My parents! Foggy day  

Sunday Lev and I walked, prepared for Christmas.  

Monday Christmas. Tuesday dad’s birthday and baking him gifts of peanut brittle and toffee and fudge. Thankfully I avoided all but a nibble of regretted fudge. Kids exchange, my parents and my sisters for dinner and nerf battle. Wednesday they slept in and I treadmills. Went to Streator with Jessica, then Lodge lunch with her too!! Water park with kids and niblings, dinner and gifts at my sisters. All great and amazing. 

Thursday drive back to AA after getting the dog. Friday through Sunday at home, some errands, a great time with kids and LA. 

Sunday was NYE, Monday NYD. So many promises to myself. Sadly, most all are the same promises I've been making for years. But in 2024, my solid goal for now is to fully leave M behind.

M came to Michigan, he died there, but his corpse still haunts me.