Change Butterfly

Saturday RUN 3 miles with LA in St Robert

It was a low mood run for me, I was upset with how the morning started. It's not for discussion here. I'm told it's my fault for not speaking up. Second day in a row this happened (yesterday work) so I guess it is my fault.

This is a good topic, when thinking about change. Both situations might have been avoided if I was more up-front but as a people pleaser I tend to stay quiet instead. What needs to change? Just speak up and say what needs to be said. Especially at work.

I spent the run limping in uphills with my stuff ankle and trying to leave my resentment about feeling like I'm just ordered around in the gravel dust that coated the weeds along the road. What better place to leave it - in the ditch.

Oddly, the ankle hasn't hurt much since the run. What's different? Usually it hurts to move again after a period of sitting or inactivity. Less walking? Is there something about sitting? No, it also hurts getting out of bed, but not now the last two days.

My mood was bad late last week and into today (Sunday). I blamed dehydration. Depression. Then a monthly cycle as again in the last week of the month I have water retention, swollen chest, moods, and this time some spotting. Bloody hell, haha. Not much at all but enough to see a pattern.

I had planned a longer 42 hour fast Thursday into Saturday but my super low mood and energy had to be addressed. Now looking back I'm wondering if hormone flux had a role. But I stopped OMAD and went to 16 or 18 over the weekend with the kids. Still low carb, barely keto if that. I wan to try going back to OMAD, but every day? Or better to switch up days? I dunno. Do I feel better for not doing OMAD or because my hormones are not peaked?

What a confluence of things this weekend. Today is day 8 no monster. Almost anniversary of Sunset (I drove the bike course today). 1000 days since LA moved in. New Moon all weekend. We just drove through a thunderstorm and if I peak behind us in the mirror I can still see the flashes of lightning.

One at a time. Won't it something when I can come here and say No Monster for 1000 days? May 17, 2025. I might be living in StL again by then. All week Monster might cross my mind but there was no desire. Even with all the low mood and energy. It was also a week without any PB! True, true, unrelated?

1000 days with LA and then this weekend is stressful. Both of us, back and forth. Travel and kids ain't easy. My mood weren't easy. I needed … I don't know … But why do I get so bent? I feel stupid or incompetent with some things he says. He could say it nicer, with love instead of with edge. He has his stress (starting again with a letter we found in my postal email after leaving AA), yet we don't always click and work together. Always love, and strong opinions.

Fasting. I'm not sure it's working yet. I did learn a few days ago that OMAD does not mean a 2-4 hour window. It means 0.5-1 only. It seems stressful. I'm changing monster, keto, workouts, now fasting. Slow down, or monster will come back!

The workouts will be almost daily (another travel week for Labor Day, ugh, will screen it up) (but I crossed out the 3x strength and 3x base cardio to 2x only this week) and another stressor. My goal of fasting? I dunno. But nothing was changing. Body composition. Gut issues. Energy levels.

Change it. Try 18 most days, with 1-2 24 and a 48? Get keto first, or at least get close. I was doing this in 2018 before Sunset. I'm still trying to fix me.

I don't want to still be doing this in 2025. Or 2024. Or 2023.

Change butterfly. Stand up for yourself.

Monarch butterfly!

Yesterday RAN 3 miles
Today RUN 3 more miles with a few short intervals

LA ran another 3.5 last night, I didn't join. He offered I could ride the bike, but I chose to stay home and cook the fish. And eat. I was hungry. 

The OMAD needs tweaking, I'm not adapting to something about it. More later.

After coming home yesterday I was out along the driveway by the butterfly sedum plants and I saw a monarch!! It flitted and fluttered around, on the plants then over to Mike's then back, circling around me and enjoying itself. 

Change, butterfly.

I put the little bee pendant on my necklace today. It makes a little chime when I run. 

Day 4 completed! 

8 year anniversary of MiTi; New workout structure ideas from LAF

Monday RUN 3 miles to and from gym with LA, STRENGTH about 15 mins
Tuesday STRENGTH 25 mins, COMMUTE 3.5 miles
Wednesday RUN 3 miles with LA, COMMUTE 

I'm enjoying getting a ride home with LA so my commutes are half commutes. And I'm still on the Bird, even though Puppy was picked up Monday evening from REI with a new chain and a tune up. I'm getting used to the Bird!

Today is the 8-year anniversary of MiTi. That might be considered my peak fitness point in my life? I'll go back and read some of the posts around that time soon and look over how it used to be. Now 8 years later my life is completely different. New husband, new job, new state, and new hobbies. The triathlon hobby I had is pretty much gone. "Once a triathlete, always a triathlete" I've always heard, but I heard it from the perspective of still being that triathlete. Nowadays, not so much. 

Which brings me to Tuesday. I finally set up an appointment to take advantage of my gym's "body composition/nutrition/workout  evaluation". I turned it down last year because I felt the ankle recovery wasn't ready for testing, and I felt so out of shape. Well I still do feel out of shape, but it's getting better. 

The past few months, I did only some running. Less and less running over time, as the ankle and heel pain worsened. I started losing flexibility and core strength, balance and functional movement/strength. With the return of a gym habit, I'm already feeling the improvements but I lack goals. Hence this appointment: what kind of goals could I set and how could I structure it. 

Immediately, the coach/PT guy was like "well you don't need to lose weight" and "your nutrition is probably OK" and "you have the motivation" - and all this he admitted by just looking at me. It was like a unique form of skinny shaming. Yes, I still wanted the BF% measurement - 21.1%. And yes of course I was ready for a sample workout! The prices for a 25 min session with at PT person is too much, but I did get the free ideas about how to structure strength building. 

He, they, computer, whatever - suggested 3x a week strength training. Start with a warm up to the the HR up then focus on movements (either push, pull, or leg - rotating days) and also spike the HR sometimes. Then after 30 mins or so, finish out with a mid-zone HR cardio. Then 3x a week cardio, like a 5K-10K distance running as a baseline effort. Then 1 day of intervals - choice of swim, bike, run, etc - (like running on the track) - of varied times and distances and intensity to again spike the HR over and over.

Summary 7 workouts a week, and aside from knowing what exercises to do for the strength building (that's the part I'd be paying for, if I decided to do that) this is something I could build on. And better yet, the 3x a week baseline and the 1x a week intensity sessions are something I can do with LA! 

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Today's run - another wake-up at 4:30 for an early 3 miles. This time south past the library for an out-n-back. The 9% crescent moon was overhead hanging like a silver light in the dark sky. The weather was perfect - like it wasn't even there. No wind, so quiet, all so calm. 

Firsts: skateboard, cuffs, day without M

Friday: COMMUTE 3.5 miles on Bird
Saturday: 10K steps in Arboretum! and a visit for the cuffs (haha)

Sunday: BIKE a squidge under 17 on the Metroparks trails with LA

I've been trying to come up with goals to work on, prompted by a question from LA about why I don't feel like the strong, steady, determined, fearless person I used to think of myself as. I feel lost without some solid goals. H100, now only 40 days away and entirely out of the question, was my goal for the fall. 

I need new goals! Some I've come up with, to be pared down and defined with subgoals:

1. Speaking Russian: not just Duolingo reading, able to read a simple book, converse
2. Watercolors: to the point I feel comfortable giving it as a gift this Christmas
3. Skateboarding: Just practice. Is this a good goal? 
4. Gym/Cardio goals (see tomorrow for meeting with guy at gym) I'm not sure how to set goals for this yet. Body composition? 
5. Killing M, using IF to heal.

Yesterday was the first full day in (over?) a week that I killed on the M. Didn't IF though. 

I've been wanting to write more on my thought processing this weekend. Will I have time? As a start, I called up old posts with M in them. The first is Aug 13, 2014 in which "he reared his head" and from that I figure it's the first tagged post with him but not the first post or instance. 

Later he's mentioned in January 2016 when I had reached 400 days. Back-calculated to be 12-25-2014. I think I remember that now. I also remember being really messed up at that time. 

Skip in time. Then later again, Aug 25, 2018 he's mentioned. After that, he's a regular customer. Mentioned regularly and obviously a common problem, although he was certainly around between 2016-2018. Numerous quit posts. Plenty of recurring posts. More than I care to count. 

So here's another quit post. What's 400 days from now? Sept 23, 2023. But why stop there. Just get started. Remember I told LA this weekend that coaches, in order to get clients to go to the gym, just tell the clients to go for 5 minutes, meaning -- Just Go. Same here. Just Stop. 

Lots of firsts this weekend! And more on all this later. Just got a big chore at lab - spending $20K!

Fasting = less Insulin. Monster = More Insulin.

Weds COMMUTE 3.5 miles, RUN 3 miles

Thurs NO COMMUTE, STRENGTH
Friday COMMUTE 3.5 miles

I'll add too that each day this week I've been able to get a longer walk in by detouring a longer way to the mouse house. And today (Friday) I detoured into the Arboretum! 10K steps is almost done by the time I get home. And since my old doggie doesn't walk much anymore, this is my replacement. I might need better walking shoes though. 

I've been listening to a new podcast: The Fasting Method. More informative, clearly presented, but I have lots of "well what abouts..."

Today in a Q&A a question that applied to me, that caused me to re-evaluate my current thing of 21-23 hours fasted (which BTW is very easy to do right now, and I don't feel a need to change) then I'm eating 2-2 hours until the window closes. 

I've learned today that all I'm doing is having a prolonged insulin response. And that it's way way better to follow a version of TRE in which you eat meal #1 in 30 mins, stop eating 5-7 hours, eat meal #2 in 30 mins, fast until back to start. This works out to a 16:8, and two brief increases in insulin. 

And last night I looked (again, again, again) that M also increases insulin. So in my 2-3 or maybe up to 4 hours I'm just promoting insulin. And it's not that insulin is bad, it's HOW I'm doing it that's bad. Snacking. Standing. Nom'ing. M'ing. 

And speaking of the M. A little bit every night. As Stress. 

So. Now what. 

Another recommendation to get the body into a fat-burning mode is to extend into 3 42-hours or 2 48-hours fasts a week. That's just skipping nightly meal, and adding in a noon lunch (42) or skipping it (48). 

My retooling of less protein and more fat seems to be good, I kinda feared gall bladder issues (nope) and I hoped to feel warmer and more energetic (I think so). 

So. I'm still wondering. Now what? 

Two 48 hours seems better for me, but a couple 42's might be needed to bridge the gap. Keep the lunch to eggs and mayo, else I'll get too hungry and distracted. Besides, I'm not hungry now (24) but maybe in a longer (48) extended fast I will be?  

Sketch it out. And wonder what to do if LA asks. Seems an odd thing for me to do! What would he think? 

Keep your damned fool mouth shut

STRENGTH 20 mins coach's workout
COMMUTE 3.5 or 7 miles, on Bird

I didn't commute home last night, I got a ride :)
And I got to bed on time, 930 as goal, and had a mostly relaxed evening. I got anxious to eat dinner "on time" - meaning what I consider on time and not what the family group considers on time, meaning I put the stress on me for no reason and I get worked up and anxious for no reason. 

LA wanted to run another 3 miles, I didn't. I was done running for the day, my right heal still hurts after running and I was just tired. I wanted to sit and relax and start incorporating some of the Relax Goals I want to have. I cooked the Turkish eggs while he ran. But he didn't leave on "my schedule", and I let myself get worked up. This manifested as nom'ing sour cream, nom'ing peanut butter, nom'ing brie cheese, then broccoli, then I'm not not hungry by the time he has returned and is ready to eat. 

I've noticed this anxiety, it's like a waiting anxiety. Like I get anxious just having to wait. Why?? I don't know what else to do, I expect to be doing something else (in this case having dinner), I dunno. It's common though. What else could I have been doing? Walk the dog. Watch a movie. But not bounce between my water color and Moria until I'm full. 

Anyway, dinner then he's off to phone call while I finish dishes. I wasn't in the mood for phone call after hearing some snark from Slava. The anxiety came back and I dallied by brushing teeth, taking meds, reading jokes. Then when I did join the call I wasn't in the mood still, and I didn't feel better about it until much later. 

Dog walk, watercolor, The Crown episode until 9pm, bed. Thank you sugar for waking me up at 230am. Back to bed until 5 with the alarm. I'm hard to wake up. Got my LA time, then waited for him to go to the gym (same anxiety, this time with coffee), then he doesn't go to the gym, more on gym later, home from gym to have a shower with LA and FoxNews, and then my mood is back low. I get frustrated by having bad news piped into the shower with us, and thusly my day has continued. We had a tiff about signing up for the mouse surgery course - he asked me to look into it, I did, he didn't reply to my message days ago, didn't reply this morning in the shower, then he complained about how much "paperwork pushing" is required. Ugh. I don't need this. Neither of us do. 

I'm feeling better typing it, and seeing it matter of fact, and seeing how simple it all is. Just relax. 

The gym - to my surprise this was only the 13th time I've done the coach's workout?! What?! It felt good, it's only been 4 days since I last did it. I didn't change much this time, still settling into the movements and habit. Excuse! Set Goals!  And get a second workout series to use, maybe even a third. 

Going back to my title, which I started yesterday. LA is again trying to change his habits to improve his numbers for the Army. He's done this before - goes in whole hog and burns out after a week. I buy salad only to through it away. I buy healthy foods and he eats it all in one day instead of over a week. He runs and runs too much and hurts. Sounds like me sometimes, and I think that frustrates me - to see my mistakes in someone else. He bought a pack of sugar free gum yesterday and was pouring it (literally) into his mouth, as a stand-in for sweets. A familiar thing to me too. He ate a jar of pickles this morning before work. Familiar. He sat in the bathroom with upset stomach a long time. Familiar. I can't help him, so I need to keep my damned fool mouth shut. I fast, he doesn't. I OMAD now, he doesn't. It's on him. 

Blessedly, he doesn't M. Or seem to share my distracted mindset about Moria. Another place I need to keep my damned fool mouth shut. 

The Bird is Back!

Monday RUN 3 miles with LA (I've already mentioned this)
COMMUTE 7 miles on the Bird!

Puppy is in the shop at REI, with the estimate being another week before he's ready. So this finally got me to fix up Bird for some commuting time. Bird has been on a trainer since......2013? I had it set up in the Compton house, and I think it was on a trainer since before that. Last race was 2011 Savageman. But earlier this year (oh gosh, was it last fall?) I put about $300 into fixing Bird - chain, cassette, cables - and planned to ride more. But back on the trainer, with the main excuse being "I don't have tires, I'd have to buy them". Ironically, I bought a trainer tire though. 

I found an old Bontrager 23mm tire in the basement. The first tire was old and stiff and I couldn't get the bead to seat on the rim. The one I ended up using has a race look to it, so it won't be good for rain. Excuses. It's not raining!

Bird was set up and ready to test yesterday, but I was too off/sick/ketoflu? to take him out for the needed test ride. Today ended up being the test. I forgot how long the wheelbase is! How cumbersome the front end. How harsh the road tires hit a bump. How the Shimano shifters contrast with the SRAMs. And - how much I loved this bike.

The change in habit from riding Puppy to Bird is amazing, I was conscious of every bump and turn and shift and brake. It feels like Different Day.

The seat is too low, and dips too far in the front. My hands got tired from I don't know what. And I felt a little silly as I didn't dress proper and felt like a fool a bit. I might take the aerobars off, but I'm lazy and there's only a few more weeks outdoors before back to the trainer. 

I'm also very conscious of the fact that the MiTi2014 anniversary is soon. I thought it might be the 14th, but I just checked an it's the 24th. All morning, my mind kept jumping to MiTi. I even by total coincidence wore the race shirt on the run today. Something is pulling me back to that race in my mind and memory. Explore it? 

My to do list includes redoing the dry erase board in the basement. It's now a year old -with PT exercises and H100 goals. Time to put some new goals up. 

Monster, Moon, Metric Fast, Monsterish, Monday

Friday STRENGTH
Monday RUN 3 miles with LA

This post kinda overlaps with the previous, this one coming in on Monday after it all.

After a bad afternoon Thursday, I set out on the goal of a 72 hour fast. LA was out of town, leaving me to experiment. The first 24 hours ended as I'm driving home from work and the HABIT pull of dinner was immense. But phone call, dog walk, bed - and I'm fine. 

Saturday I'm fine too. 129.2! Busy Bee. Distracted though and watching the clock celebrating the hours as they tick past. Then at 48 hours, it's amazing. I'm not hungry. but I'm very low energy. I feel fragile, and I act fragile. I'm consuming salt/electrolytes and fiber only. But I'm dehydrated, I think. Bed. 

Sunday I'm not so fine. Dehydrated, yes. But 131.6. Salt? I wake up at 59-60 hours and I think about how I usually run. I have the mental urge to run or bike by the physical urge was actually less than zero, haha. Time crawled by slowly. Again, I feel weak. I feel as if I'm out-of-body, lifting someone else's arms get a cup from the shelf. I feel like I can't bend over, like I'm underwater, and the feeling in my face - like I'm going to cry? Around 9am, I'm so distracted, I convince myself that a few walnuts with butter is OK. 

And so ended the fast, and the conveyor belt came on.  Once I started I didn't stop until noon, and I ended up now too full and sick, but still weak and no motivation? I didn't eat much carbs, oatmeal (ugh, I'm eating oatmeal again) (and there was some M of the oats too) and after reading oatmeal is relatively low insulinogenic I suddenly think it's OK. Ugh. 

Anyway, at noon I decided that I could start a 36 hours, realized my bad math and adjusted to 30, then re-adjusted as I kept nibbling unnecessarily. I woke up today 132.6. More ugh. But I feel no stomach swelling or pain! So now, in a 24 going until tonight. I'm hungry, kinda, but don't need or want food, so it's not hunger -- it's habit. 

What happened Sunday morning. Well, first, I did a 63 hour fast!!!!! WOW!!!! It was a big jump from the previous 24-ish I've been doing, so while I didn't hit the goal I am super happy with that. What caused the crash on Sunday? I think I had the so-called keto flu. The fatigue, emotional stuff, weakness - all kinda fit the bill. I've retooled my macros do decrease protein from 35% to 20%, a change of 105g/day to 60g. I'm wondering if it was too much to get into ketosis.

Not that ketosis is my goal. Or is it? I'm not going to be measuring. Yesterday I guesstimated 83-14g of carbs, net... just under 70 grams... It's possible I went into ketosis, came back out a little bit, but then while running this morning the same facial "gonna cry"/no motivation/time warp feelings were back. So am I in ketosis? 

Meal plan today: 3 eggs, WF yogurt, walnuts, butter, 150g strawberry, string cheese, fiber powder.

37g carbs, 52g protein, 62g fat, 13g fiber. 

16% carbs, 23% protein, 61% fat. Goal 15, 23, 61.

This will keep or put into ketosis. 

Is that the goal? Research more into keto flu. I'm eager to try the fast again, all morning I was smiling about 63 hours!!

Oh, and my house is SO CLEAN, my to do list so EMPTY. 

Monster, Macros, Moon

Thursday RUN 5.3 miles 

No commute, since we dropped Puppy off at REI for some maintenance. The squeaks and creaks and brake malalignment needed to be addressed. Then REI suggested a new derailleur cable (frayed) and a new chain. I think the chain was from 2018? When SO had the bike worked on? 

LA left for MO yesterday, I had a half day at work given a late morning with him and an early afternoon doggie appointment. She's all spiffy now, trimmed and washed. 

Me on the other hand, a mess. Monster of Dollar Store find yesterday. I give myself a day forgiveness, but it's really more than a day. 

I retooled my macros yesterday.  

Before: Carbs 20% 60g; Protein 35% 105g; Fat 50% 67g

After:   Carbs 15% 45g; Protein 20% 60g; Fat 65% 87g

The goal was to lower the amount of protein. I'm reading that it's insulinogenic, and the guidelines suggest 10-20% from protein. I'm doing 35%. Further, I'm not "satisfied" after a meal - I keep wanting something more. Maybe changing the protein and fat will help. 

I retooled my meal plan then too. Now instead of 8 egg whites, 2 yolks, canned salmon and protein powder - it's 3 eggs, protein powder, more peanut butter and butter and oil. 

Give it 2 months?

Finally, a full moon last night. 

Part of summer is over

Saturday travel to Illinois
Sunday RUN 3.2 miles, travel back to MI
Monday rest!
Tuesday RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 7 miles

What a rough time - my head is full and empty all at the same time. I have no energy, no focus. I just want to sleep and do nothing. Do I need time off? Or do I need to keep busy, to keep my head from wandering into thinking about things?

Sunday and Monday night I saw M. Coping. Monday and today I'm paying for it, low energy, off balance, and headachy.

I think I should quit the coffee habit. At least until I can buy decaf again!
I think I should reduce the daily dairy, it's starting to replace other foods. 
I know I need to quit the last two days of Azuc. And M. Duh.

Daily dairy: yogurt and cottage (or cheddar cheese). Why do I think that's so much? What again am I thinking?

This morning while meal prepping I realized I was buying eggs but throwing away the yolk, and buying cottage cheese "for the fat and protein" only to be consuming the additives in the cottage cheese. For two egg yolks, I'd save money and get more nutrition and get less of the thickeners and shit. 

I need to get to work, but distraction and headache prevail. I want to walk outside. I want to sleep. I want to talk to LA more. He's been so reassuring, pointing out what I don't think about. 

I want to clear my todo list. I want a clean house. I wanted a clear car and yesterday I got it! So these things on my list are all do-able in time.

Yesterday LA and I walked after phone call (that THANKFULLY went well) and I said that I desired to maintain the evening schedules we had with the kids here. We made play time a priority and we can keep doing it? 

Friday run; Realizations

RUN 5.3 miles my usual loop
COMMUTE 3.5 or 7, don't know yet

Yesterday in short bursts I'd typed up this long analysis of my habit lists and realized that I was repeating over and over the same issue - that I'm making bad plans and I'm unable to stick to these bad plans. I was making a sort of punishment about what was a bad ADF plan execution. This lead to CO days, bad Net numbers, bingy cycles, "ignorance" about current counts, etc etc.

I don't know if I'll publish that post. 

The post started because I've been trying to decide what's going wrong - why don't I see the changes I'm trying so desperately to make? Maybe because I'm being so coy and indirect with myself about it, haha, see above. I'd made a list of things that Patrick would tell me (stop the carbs, make a plan, master the mindset) and gave myself until the end of August to see if I could start making better plans for myself.

I'd had some grand realization this morning after waking up about this, but as I sit here I can't seem to recall it.

But do I need to re-hire someone who told me what I needed to do, I paid for it but then didn't do it? 

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The run today felt like it was gonna suck in the first mile, and I was concerned about not being able to hit the goal of 5-6 miles. But I did, listening to my Empress Vicky audiobook, slow and tired, but finished. It amazed me the rest of the day that I didn't "feel" this run at all. Like I'd forgotten it happened. No fatigue, soreness, extra hunger or thirst. It happened, I'm sure of it! But is this a good thing - that I kept it easy amidst the stress. Or that I could have pushed a bit more - and kept it too easy?

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

Tuesday COMMUTE 3.5 miles and RIDE 12 miles gravel
Wednesday Basketball! And COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday WasGonna RUN, and COMMUTE 7 miles? It's supposed to rain....

So much has changed! SO MUCH. But so much has not. I'm still not measured, and I need to quit fucking dancing around the real issue of uncontrolled. No control. That hasn't changed. 

No M now 1 week, aside from a bite of PB or a bite of something. 

I WasGonna run, but woke up super tired and slightly sore from Tuesday's workout. Slightly nauseated, I think from empty stomach and stress. The temp to eat before noon sometimes there but super easy to ignore - it's been 46 days of clean until noon! HABIT! 

There are 19 things in my Habit list....more if you count the other app too. Some are the same though. But I'm not doing many of them, and nothing changes if nothing changes.

My mind goes back again to working with Patrick. What would he tell me? No rice. Work on the mental mindset issues. And make changes when things aren't working. I have until the end of August, then I'll decide. 

August has arrived. What else 2?

I'd said back in late May that the 10 weeks were going to be defined by change. In some ways, they were. I've quit Reddit, news, internet. I'll look something defined up, something short or needed. That's it for the web. My phone usage has drastically changed because of this!

I've been doing clean fasting until at least noon since late June. This was a win, and in July I was easily able to go 20+ hours IF.  

But everything else - fell apart.

My running went from 3-4 times a week for 15+ miles to hit-or-miss and less than 15 miles. My gym workouts went to zero. Swimming stayed at zero. Azuc came early and left. Rice came back. Sweets came back. Then sweet potatoes. Monster - comes and goes and repeats and now I'm 5 days done of M-free. I've started I'm trying and failing at ADF, the CO and inability to keep track are the problem. 

I've been 1308 to 1348. Maybe 1350. For all the change, this didn't change, and it's a killer. 

I also said back in late May that maybe once the 10 weeks were over I'd go back to Patrick. The three months I had in Jan-Apr were a lie, denial and dishonesty, lack of integrity and intention. But change occurred, but only once the mileage hit higher numbers. 

Numbers. It's a numbers game. So as of now I've moved the timing from 16:8 to 20:4 or 23:1, but I haven't changed the sum total. Yesterday was a high ADF day at 12 +5CO. Today now is the 5CO+5, if I stick to plan. And there's the catch - I don't stick to plan. 

And I know this, that I'm dishonest. Lie Cheat and Steal, there's all 3 going on here. Were I to get honest, would I see change? Where's the dishonesty?
1. Unmeasured, especially PB and PPowder and dairy and rice and oh everything
2. CO as a way to balance things out
3. Unmeasured. 
4. Snacking as a way to destress
5. Unmeasured.
6. Bouncing back after 8pm thinking I can CO it.

Will this make sense in a few years, if I ever read this again?! 

To summarize: training is low, monster is low, azuc is gone, BUT NO CHANGE. There's no change, because nothing changed.

Ugh. Going back. Were I to work with Patrick again, I know what I'd hear:
1. No sugar
2. Low carbs, as in no rice and maybe no sweet potato
3. Fasting - CHECK
4. Strength training - Kinda CHECK
5. Deal with the mental shit
6. Goal of 13

Do I need to pay someone to hear this again ?!

August has arrived. What else?

Monday RUN 2 miles 20 mins, tired. No commute
Tuesday RUN 1.4 and 1.4 and STRENGTH, COMMUTE? 

It's August, and I've been seeing August as a new start. I've had the summer with the kids and realized the long days have potential to do more. What were summers like before? 

Before - St Louis I guess- what did I do in my summer days? The afternoons I mean. The mornings, I know I "trained". My forced training. 2019 for Badger. 2018 for ?? I don't know. The evenings, though, what did I do?

Last summer doesn't count. Well it does, but I don't remember it. What did I do last summer? Surgery, recovery, Key West, new job. Why don't I remember? 

This summer, I've been able to set aside time most every night for something - biking, skateboarding, painting. I didn't do this before. What did I do before?

I made a list over the weekend of these things I'll keep doing, a list of primary and secondary (or better, evening and right before bed) stuff to do:

Primary: stained glass, strength training, painting, yardwork/dog/house, drawing, meal prep, overdue tasks

Secondary: watch a movie, read a book, a few minutes of PT/foam roll/flexibility, play with dog, drawing or painting.

It seems easy enough - come home around 5-6 and have dinner.  Have phone call 7-8pm. Ooh, and there it falls apart. That dividing line between available time and being able to use it. I supposed I can plan around 8-9pm? 

Yesterday was a long day. LA and I bickering over my stress dealing with my schedule. I woke up wanting to get my weekend run in - I switched this week from Tue/Thu/Weekend to Mon/Wed/Fri - and as I remembered it was now August and only two more months my mood soured as I realized my training for anything this fall is lost. Gone. Everything, it seemed.

I went for a 2 mile run, but everything hurt from my ankles and feet to a tight pressure in my chest. LA was texting me but I didn't read them. I hurt enough already. Home shower rush to leave. Work in a fog, dull and vague. Lunch break with LA and a serious conversation. Home with LA and another serious conversation. My main complaint - I'm always the one changing, I'm always the one being wrong, and I'm always the one sent for therapy to deal with problems. I'm begging for help, asking and changing and looking for it. And I feel lost without some guidance. We arrive home and LA immediately changes dinner to pre phone call only, and no going anywhere tonight, and bed by 9pm. 

To my surprise, this all worked. I was able to walk my dog during phone call at her pace (mosey), wash the dog, feed the hummingbirds, pick up the house a bit, cook rice and brats for meals, pack my lunch, take out recycling, and watercolor - all before 9pm!?!? Bed by 930 with some LA-time (melatonin helped). 

Up today at 4 or 430, I snooze in thinking about my failed PCR for genotyping while LA studies. I'm up, chores and dishes and feed dog, 6am I'm out for a run to the gym. Strength training (first time since May 5th?!), run home, shower, LA-time, and water color before leaving at 830. 

DAMN- productive!

How can I keep this going?!

See another post for another topic.