108 Hard Day 2 Dec, 31st

Tuesday December 31st, 2024 

 -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. 800 Day - hungry so 3 whites and yolk, some mayo, oats split

2. oat meal mix split

3. salad charcuterie board with turkey soup and veg, too much

-2 45' workouts

1. 10' jump rope, 15' run, remaining nova walk

2. 

-Something for 

1. Lev -am 

2. Nova - am play

-2 15' art

1. inventory stained glass, as planned

2. watercolor

-What I read 

JBP tried to read at lunch but got talking. Noah

-Summary of the Day

M3 still a problem

-Focus for tomorrow

108 Hard Day 1 Dec 30th

Monday December 30th, 2024

108 Hard Day 1

Friday was day 1, Saturday, Sunday...

Now it's Monday, first of the week, not yet first of the year (not waiting for it), and not yet New Moon.

Ooh I need to Google that moon. - "The rare 'black moon' of December 30 rises soon". Say what? 

Ah, a 2^nd new moon in a calendar month. 

It will occur at 4:27 CT today! I'm not waiting for that either. 

I've started. And I'm for now using only a simple daily page to track:

  -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. measured oats and yogurt, 845 standing with phone, at work, rushed

2. measured salad, at work, seated reading, a bit rushed but aware and slowed as I could

3. c-top ummej turkey, half-seated salad and veg and cottage cheese, returns for more veg

-2 45' workouts

1. 20 core, then 33m 2 mile walk

2. 45 min walk

-Something for 

1. Lev - kept my mouth shut

2. Nova - some play on floor

-2 15' art

1. started the peony in a glass watercolor

2. finished (almost) the peony, in one day!

-What I read 

JPB 3rd book. Noah chapter. Real quick, not valuing our history leads to destruction of society. And one person can uphold the truth successfully. The right to free speech is what the society is built on and requires, and that truth is your inner truth too. If you're being honest with yourself. 

-Summary of the Day

mostly to plan, again M3 is an issue. I don't wait.

-Focus for tomorrow

800 day, M3!

Christmas 2024

I'm about 15 days into a 75 Mostly Hard, I'm still failing on the meal plan part. I can say that I'm 15 days without fake butter, rice cakes, and potatoes. My goal was to also have 8a-8p limit, no mangos, less standing more sitting, .... 

We bought a dining room table set, and I've yet to include that in my thinking. I keep saying "tomorrow" or on New Years, or ... 

10 years ago I was in a real shitty spot in life. Take a few mins and go back to find that post. As per my usual then, I wasn't mentioning personal life stuff much. I distinctly remember being at my parents, being lost in my head, being afraid to admit to anything and afraid to talk like I needed to. I had a 42 mpw running goal, not sure why. I was having back spasms, might have been the spinal vertebral injury? I mentioned that Monster was gone. I didn't make detailed notes, but I do remember that he was gone for awhile as a christmas goal for myself. 

Now 10 years later, everything has changed. St Louis to Michigan to Nashville. Running for ultras to 75 Hard. Monster to No Monster. No marriage to married with 'children'. I do love the stepkids, I rarely call them that to they are 'Lev's kids'. 

Regarding Monster - 838 days!! I'd like to say he's gone but damned near every day, especially if stressed, he tries to reactivate. He's latent. A lifelong mental parasite. What's different now is the lack of any desire at all to actually engage with him. Gone, but not forgotten. 

Regarding running and biking and 75 Hard - I'm 90 days into 2x45mins, 1 gallon, 10 pages, photo. But only 0 days into a following a meal plan. I've talked about the struggle with this. That the plan makes specific the other points and leaves the meal plan too unspecified for me. It's only as specific as my disciple will make it, it's not the plan's fault. My plan is specific tho: BLE. 

1. No sugar - 344 days depending on how measured. Does the dried mango count? 

2. No flour - 344 days here, 1 year is Jan 14th

3. Measured - usually good for M1 and M2 during weekdays

4. Meals - super struggle here, again M1 and M2 weekdays are more successful

Then throw in the other 10-some rules I want to include and I come up against this ongoing list of ideals. These really aren't that hard. The sitting/standing rule is really part of #4. 8a-8p is #4 and #3. No Mangos is #1. I'm making this harder than it needs to be. 

I'm 2.6 hours away from finishing the 49 hour Gone with the Wind audiobook. I've 95% stopped any Russian practice. 

I'm sitting in the very back of our car, supposed to be working, with Nova panting and pacing, everyone else in headphones, hurrying to get to the kennel on time. I've been stomach-upset the last few days - it might be the 2 medjool dates? Hormones? Stress? 

I signed the termination papers for my coworker a few days ago. I'm not getting to my art at all lately. My stained glass bench is newly built and my art desk has a new addition. To be fair, the holidays are a tough time to get side stuff like that done! So be kind on that. But I'd like to make progress on painting, so many projects I screen shot and never get to. 

To be fair too, I'm doing 90 minutes of exercise a day and if I wanted to I could redirect 45 mins of that to art every day. But I'm stuck on the streak and more stuck on how good it feels to be active and outdoors. That part of 75 Hard has been great for me, I feel relaxed and better after my exercise. Could I do 2x30 mins a day, then 2x15 mins to projects? I'd like to do an actual 75 Hard and get it all right - which means the meal plan too. I want to continue my gallon, 10 pages, photo, and 2x45 over the holidays and into 2025. Then what? 

Because honestly it's not the 2x45 that I lose time in. I lose time in Moria. I can forget everything, but I can't forget Moria. I can run late but I'm always spending time in Moria. I'll make sacrifices and not paint and not visit and not talk, but Moria gets those sacrifices. 

And therein is my real problem. Moria + Reddit mostly. OK, so stop Reddit. I stopped Daily Mail and Reddit popular right after the elections, DM still stopped but Red/popular creeped back in. No more. Stopped. 15 mins of Reddit art, only. 

Then sitting not standing, meals not munch are the next clicks. Don't blame the commute, or the work, or the 2x45. It's the 30+ mins in the evening and 20+ mins in the morning that I lose time. Sick to my stomach. Full. Regret. Regret. Promises and Punishment. 

Regret. There's the biggest hurt. Regret each night. Each morning. So much accomplished, yet so much regret. 

Make your own Hard Challenge. 

108 Hard

1. No sugar no flour

2. Meals, not munches between 8-8. Planned/logged meals between 8-8. Under 1500.

3. Measured

4. Photo

5. Gallon

6. 10 pages of non-fiction on paper

7. 2x45 mins, with 1 outdoors per day and 3 or more times Fitness+

8. 15 minutes Russian

9. 2x15 mins of art, or more, am and pm, away from Moria

10. Something special for Lev and Nova, each day, distinct time

11. (10.8 rounded up, haha) Two fast days of 800. Tues and Thurs? 

Tips: do 15 mins Russian in one workout, or on the shuttle home; Do reddit on a walk or the shuttle, but not in Moria or at art desk; read during lunch; art with coffee in the am; art instead of standing in Moria in the pm; sit with nova instead of Moria; be with lev instead of Moria; 

12. Just get out of Moria. ? #2

13. Two fast days of 800? 

I can think of more, this is the problem

14. Log it all #2

15. Under 1500 #2

So again, these are all in the BLE already 

This is an anti Moria and anti Reddit list. 

Pro me. Pro Bee. Pro Future. Pro Family. 

So when I check the boxes at night, what will mean a purple win?

"follow a meal plan" and "no cheat meals"?

These seem kinda vague. So define them. What is a cheat meal for me? Rice cake and fake butter. Little bowls of stuff stirred together. Pretty much anything made in a coffee mug. Chicken + oil + salt. 

"Follow a meal plan". No sugar, no flour, no munching, no standing. BLE, duh. 

Make a plan. 

What do I do when I'm trying to get out of the house before work, and I'm hungry? Plan that 10 mins into the day, you never do that. 

What do I do when I come home hungry, cold, tired, mindless? Have a bowl of warmed soup. 

What do I do when I want to eat, but Lev isn't ready? Do something for lev! Go do art! Play with Nova. But wait, because this is a daily problem for you. 

-----

I wrote this Monday in the car. It's now Friday in White's Creek. I keep saying "tomorrow".

Today will be day 94. 28th=95. 29th=96. 30th=97. 31st=98. 1st=99. 2nd=100. 

Then I want to do another 100 days. 

I'm wasting time thinking. I want to make a tracker spreadsheet. I want to write a meal plan. No, I don't I'm tired of that stuff. 

Just start. Just go. Stop planning and start doing. 

Failed. Knowlingly. RESTART.

 Failed on Thanksgiving. Knowlingly. Like, I'm doing it and thinking this would normally be a restart. Justifications. Bitch voice. 

I'm looking at my bottle. "I killed a Balrog. You are so outclassed it's not even funny."

I've killed a Balrog. I've killed a Monster, but no, really the Monster has just changed and I need to kill that too. 

Make the definite list of rules Gawd Fucking Damn is that all you got?!

You have the list. Get it out. Fucking hell, all morning you've been breaking it. WFH is tough. Get over it and get GOING. 

Failed again. Restart again. Bought the App. Day 1

 Yesterday on Tuesday I failed again. I failed last week on Tuesday too. How many fails is this? OMG I just counted and it's the 8th restart. My 9th Day 1. 

Started 9-25. Restarted 10-3, 10-7, 10-13, 10-24, 11-4, 11-13, 11-19, and now 11-26. JFC. 

I'm at a loss, but not really, because this is what I've been doing for years. I'll start tomorrow. I'll start Monday. I'll start the next moon phase. I'll just restart, and all will be well. 

This is some sort of failure/denial mindset. It's OK to fail, I'll just restart. I'll deny there's a problem, I'll just restart. 

Tomorrow I want to be 123. Then another tomorrow 117. Then another tomorrow 112.
Tomorrow, will never come at this rate.

I've been toying with the idea of buying the app, but since I already had free apps I hesitated to spend the $7 for it. Over the weekend I set up one of my apps to show the streaks, this took a few minutes of repetitive clicking. Then it bothered me that water, workouts, reading, and photos were all perfect at 60-some days, but meal plan was low at less than 10. It led to thinking.... if I reach 75 days for workouts, will I take a day off or will I start to slack on the "finished" goals, while I wait for meal plan to reach 75? No, I wouldn't. But why would I even think that!

I've said before, the meal plan is the hardest for me for a few reasons. These bad habits are really entrenched, you could find these same goals 10 years ago in this blog. Also, this is the one habit that is so open to individual interpretation and definition. 

Even though I set the rules by while meal plan was to be followed, I continue to fail. If I'm following my James Clear Atomic Habits, it stands to reason that my environment could be improved to increase the likelihood of success.

Rules for the meal plan:
1. Follow BLE: No sugar, no flour, measured per plan, and no between meal snacks

For me this also meant:
1. Stop nibbling before M1 at the house, and have M1 as one meal not two
2. Prepack M1 and M2, especially for weekends when it's the hardest to follow
3. Come home, walk the dog, change clothes, feed the dog, have an apple, then do stained glass, meditation, play with dog, maybe get the 2nd workout done, have a sit-down M3 that was imaged, and eat that and only that. 

#3 falls apart at feed the dog. Enter Moria -->eat. The rest of the sequence falls apart. A few days I nailed this last week, and it felt great. How can I change my environment? 
1. Put the apple on a table either in the stained glass room, or by the book I'm reading. Not in Moria to feed the dog
2. Prepack M3 on a nice plate ahead of time to avoid prepping-noms
3. Meditate before the apple, just 2 minutes to calm down and derail this
4. more?

Really, it's so simple:
1. Don't do like yesterday with prep noms and half-sit eating and post M3 noms. Don't keep coming back for more. 3 dates only. I was feeling way too full after yesterday, and way too disappointed after I'd logged 800+ calories in just 3 hours. Hence restart. 

What is going to be different by having the app? Oh, I don't know. More invested? 
And day 2 is going to be at home for Thanksgiving! Then day 3, 4, 5 at home too!

Today will be day 3

 Day 3, really following the rules and feeling better for it. I'm not stuffed at bed time, I'm up early and eager to workout. 

LA started surgical path rotation this week and has long hours. Ugh, it's hard to spend so much time alone, waiting to hear from him. He's grumpy, but I'll roll with it. 

Don't blow this! 

We Who Wrestle With God

 Day 1, again, due to more RC and BS yesterday. Today is the day the new JBP book comes out. Yesterday I again listened to the RealAF pods about 75Hard. The meal plan part, the only one I struggle with, seems like it's glossed over. With the other rules, there's an Answer. One Photo. Ten Pages. Two workouts, 45 mins. One Gallon. 

For the meal plan, and let me settle in to write up my excuses here, it's not so clear-cut. I told myself I'm following BLE. Those rules are:

1. No sugar
2. No flour
3. Three meals with no snacking, as in a schedule
4. Controlling portion size, as per the meal list, meaning to weigh the foods

Well #1 and #2 are pretty stellar. #2 is a zero intake. #1 is the occasional dried mango, coconut milk, I think that's it. 

#3. When I'm at work, M1 and M2 go ok because I'm not near Moria. Weekends, forget it, I'm in the depths. M1 sometimes I eat half before I leave then half at work, so the meal is split. (Need to mention though that I've worked on the habit of not adding to M1 successfully. Weekdays, I mean). 

#4 reads just like #3. It depends on where I am. 

M3 is the mess. I've successfully changed to come home through the front door, take dog to mail box, go to closet to change and wash up. Then the habit chain breaks because I go to Moria to feed the dog. Last night I stood at the counter eating turkey with my fingers. Then a few bites of cottage cheese. Then half an apple "for the walk", then another slice of apple, then the rest because I couldn't wait. Walk, then broccoli and tomato sauce, grapes, grapes, dates, more full. 

M3 is also harder because sometimes LA is home early and we eat. Sometimes he's home late and I've already eaten. I don't know if I can set a time like "8pm" but I can set the rules of the time. 

So before I go home tonight and face another restart, here are my 75Hard Meal Plan Rules!

1. Minimize the split of M1 because it just leaves you hungrier. Wait until work, you'll live. 
2. Have an apple when you get home and that's it. Transition this to nothing as the habit grows. 
3. Do chores - feed the dog and then 3 mins stained glass and 2 mins meditation while the dog eats. 
4. From here - figure out when dinner will be before coming downstairs, consulting LA and stopping to think about it. Walk if you can, otherwise wait to walk after for an earlier dinner.
5. Get out the plates, bowls, utensils, etc along with your food list. Build the plates, all of them. 
6. Take a photo of the plates. 
7. Put the phone away, or set to video, no hunched interaction.
8. Sit the fuck down and eat. No c-tops. Slow down, and have a MEAL.
9. Get up and LEAVE. Brush your teeth! Then do dishes.

There, that's 8 rules for M3. I like 8! But this is still not clear-cut and simple. Pick the major points. 

butter and rice cakes, but no restart

 I didn't feel sick, I adjusted other things, I omitted oatmeal, I ate too much turkey and not enough veg.

I can't keep falling back on the restart. It's 50+ days of everything else PERFECT. I could be DONE by xmas but no, I keep restarting. It's like I fall back on the restart because it's so easy to do. And since I don't see a need to stop or I don't see a deadline, I just shrug it off and restart like it's no big deal.

And speaking of that type of response, I saw that today at work in the HR meeting. The shrug-it-off I'm-still-a-happy person response to being presented with serious problems. 

I'm not doing that, am I!?!?!?!? 

I would like him to take things seriously, really get deep and introspective, and look for ways to change. 

And I want that for ME too. 

Why do I think it's OK to mess and up and just restart? I have a "I'll start Monday" mentality because there have been no direct repercussions to my choices. There are though!! The lack of change, means there is no change!

Aside from all this, I'm so awake, clear, energized, focused, clean -- this does feel good. I want to rev up the workouts after reading that they are supposed to be "sweaty" and difficult, not just brisk walks. I'll mix it up better. 

Restart for mango

Title says it all. I restart today because I ate dried mango last night after setting it as a Not My Food. 

Day 1. I am upper 40's for the days walking, reading, drinking, photo'ing. This one thing - the meal plan. Something needs to change. (me).

To be clear, I can exercise for 1.5 hours a day, but I can't resist the NMF.

And I'm tracking numbers, and seeing why nothing changes. 

Veteran's Day weekend update

Friday was a Purple! Proof that I CAN DO IT.
Saturday and Sunday - conveyor belts.

I made detailed plans for habit change during the week but didn't include weekends. I would have to do that week by week. Do-able. But for now, get the meals in order. 

I felt sick a lot of the weekend because of this. Just conveyor belting it. I'm always in Moria, they have to notice that. 

More running, new habits, no other changes

Goals right now are to work on the come-home to M3 habits and I'm seeing that I get stuck in Moria I put myself in Moria in this "I did some chores already" mentality and stand and have M3. Then after our walk, another M3. Partway through this last night, I realized I could be doing stained glass, playing with Nova, another chore.  

With that realization, I can start to make change. 

LA is losing weight fast - 272 from 290-something! He looks so different!!
Me? 

The election is over, solid results and seemingly none of the fighting/transfer issues. So I've deleted most all politic and news podcasts. I'm staying off of DM and Reddit/popular. Reddit arts only for 15 mins. This will do a lot for me mental health. 

Patio strength training under rain and falling leaves

STRENGTH 45 mins, 30 upper and 15 legs
WALK 45 mins 

Yesterday success - I ran in the morning, was great at work. We got home around 6 - straight to walk dog (a few grapes, a clem), walk, home to closet, wash and change, feed dog, then fell off plan. But the closet to feeding is a new addition!

LA was making soup, I got pulled in and ate standing at the counter. This is still progress! I was supposed to go to stained glass and Nova time. I did that, but not until 830. 

While getting dressed today, remember that if you die these will be your ghost clothes

 RUN! 3 miles in 35 mins, with walking and partly with dog so it's not really "timed". 

So after I submitted a dismal review of the weekend, I have a happy update. 

Yesterday was my first RH blood, and the lab's first RVLC blood. ZN called in sick. And LA had an EGD in the middle of the day. Holy cow, what a day. 

And I DID IT!! Whether it was all correct, remains to be seen. 

I came home from VA with LA, dog to mailbox, eat because I'm H and have to go back to work. 
Work.
Home to follow a modified "come home" habit stack. I went to closet, skipped a few things and immediately rushed out the door to walk before phone call. I did have to skip stained glass, but did get in time with LA, time with Nova, meditate, read!

I will follow too that I went to bed way too full. Feeling kinda sick. Ugh.  

Another mess of a weekend

 Pretty much a restart. I didn't eat anything "off plan" (well, the butter spread on dad's pumpkin, and the oats...) but I ate everything else in the plan and felt sickly afterwards. I'm so productive, but could be much more productive if I could just leave Moria behind. 

Atomic Habits came right back to me from the library. I listened to it last Friday and set a few goals. Now I come home thru the front door, walk dog to mailbox, then fail. Now the plan is to come back to the closet and change, feed the dog, stained glass at least 2 mins, meditate on the mat 2 mins, play with Nova 10 mins (all upstairs), then come down to walk with Lev, dinner at 8pm during phone call. Doing this all on Zero - will be a challenge. There will be days that the weather, or phone call time, or late schedules mess things up. Don't let a perfect streak be the enemy here. 

LA has his EGD today - today of all days. We have my first RH blood and our first RVLC blood. And my coworker just called in sick. I feel sick. I'll have to figure this out, probably have to drop LA off at home and come back. LA thinks I'm joking when I told him that earlier. 

I didn't get a chance to walk this morning, owing to having to come in with him (first time in weeks!), so I walked out around (literally) campus along West End. Feels great. The time change sucks, it will be dark now at 4:45pm :(

My yogurt oatmeal was a disappointment. Blah taste and it's like I'm already hungry again. I tried, but I still have another couple days of this before the recipe is gone. 

Plans for November

135 yesterday JFC

1. Continue the 75
2. Art every day, 5 mins
3. Something not asked for by LA, for LA
4. Nova, just Nova, 10 mins. Can be 2x 5 mins
5. Sit for M3 at 8-8:30pm
6. Be more open to jokes, as LA asked
7. Get serious about the meal plan part preplan, prepack, and stick to it for it to count
8. Stained glass something every evening available, 5 mins
9. Go for a lunch walk, 10 mins
10. Running and HIIT, not just walking

These are some old lingering needs-to-change and many NEW changes which is exciting to be able to add things I want to do. I've been doing #1 and #2 to great benefit. I decided to add #8 and #9 today. 

I went from 132 to 127 to 135 JFC. Really?

Home for my birthday - stuck to my goals

Home will always be 801 N24th Rd. When I say home or tag home, that's what I mean. 

LA was able to go with me!! He was feeling sick Thurs/Fri and slept 4pm to 9pm, so we didn't leave until Saturday morning. The drive north was beautiful - colorful and sunny. Home was wonderful, and I thought it would feel short and incomplete. But I engaged better, stayed aware, and made the most of the minutes. Short, but so worth every minute in the car!

Reading, photo, water, walks, and most meals all great. No PB for the WIN. 

I finished the 1st JBP book last night! I'm pretty sure it's the first time I read it through. I've owned it since 2017? Thank you 75Hard for this lesson. Yes, I have time.

I've done art at least 2 minutes, paid more attention to dog and husband. Just giving my time. I have it. I have to stop telling myself that I don't. 

M3 - UGH FUCK. Current habit stack - I'm adding a step:
Home, front door, dog out, bedroom to change clothes --> dog out to get mail, bedroom, to change...to break up the fall into Moria. 

Next change - eat dinner at 8pm during phone call. I'm in Moria anyway, eating anyway. This will give me a stop, a goal, and yes it will be after 8pm but I can modify that to benefit us. 

Rough week again, LA travels again on Thursday. 

Happy Birthday Bee! 49!!

Happy Birthday my dear Queen Bee, welcome to the near-end of your first half century. Remember when a half century meant 50 miles? That seems a lifetime ago.

10 years ago we were in North Carolina for B2B. Still married, still racing, still with M, but with better ... other goals in place. We were a mess!

Updating from last year: 

Match Day is 142 days away. over and done and now it's Tennessee!
Azuc is 284 days gone, along with Flour
Monster is 778 days gone. 
Move in Day was 1788 days ago.
and Balrog has been Dead for 1974 days.

So much has changed. The stress of Match Day, that long tortuous build and countdown, the bi-planning of a move to St Louis or Nashville, all settled out hard and fast. A super rapid house buy (super stressful too), a fast move. An escape from UM and MI to a rural home and a great new job. All that stress, no wonder I felt so sick and depressed.

Nova is also 1 year here. Still a clown. 

I'm doing a 75Hard challenge. It's been restarted a few times already. I've been doing the challenge for almost 30 days, but only the last 11 days are good. And if I'm honest with myself, hahahahahahahaha, oh that again, I should start over again. 

But I'll keep going. A photo. Read 10 pages. 128 ounces of water. Two 45 mins workouts, at least one outdoors. And a meal plan. That last one is where I keep failing. I have a plan called BLE. I'm great as long as I'm not at the house with Moria. M3, night after night. Weekends after weekends. 

I've been to Kazakhstan, studied Russian, met my mother-in-law. Survived international travel. 

I have a new job and I'm a manager making decisions. Some of them, really hard to do. What happened with Z in the end? Answer this when you read this in 2025. 

Running? Some. Biking? Not much this summer, but some. Swimming? Not at all. And to think, just 10 years ago an ironman. That 10 years was so up and down and literally all around. It was another lifetime. 

Above I typed ahead on 24th. Today is birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
We're supposed to be driving home, but LA is feeling sick and sleeping. He doesn't trust me driving at night. And Nova-Nova is at the kennel. I'm alone with my computer and books!!

Listened to Atomic Habits audiobook today at 1.5X. It's due in ... 1 HOUR!! 45 mins to go x 1.5 

I can do it! I love this book, I've already renewed it to get again in a few weeks. 

Finished Alexandr Dumas Count of Monte Cristo, Sarah J Maas Court of Mist and Fury, and will finish JBP first book tomorrow. 

So the changes I've decided to make. Set aside time for art with coffee. Even just two minutes. 

Meditate and upcoming M's during filling out my planner. Even if just two minutes.

Meditate with just thoughts when going into Moria. Even if just two minutes. 

Keep up the 75Hard. I really actually like it. 

I voted today!!!!

Next book from library is Lean Sigma Six. Next audiobook is about Philosophy. 

No races in mind, nothing like that at all. I miss having a goal like that, but I have enough going on with 75 Hard. 

I love you bee. So many great changes this year. The morning habit of up, pee, wash, brush, water is set. I made my color-coded planner dots harder in October and see room to improve. I'm walking 2x 45 mins a day and starting to add running to it. I'm better with LA "relations", more relaxed, and way less stressed. 

Keep taking care of yourself!!!! Next year I want to hear about how 125 became a reality (but don't stop there!) and how the M3 Balrog is dead. 

75.1 - Could have been almost 30 Turn it around or it will be 75.1 again.

I'm walking and Fitness+ and in a habit. All is great except M3. Last three days, so full and never leaving Moria. No art. No patio. Moria. 

Tomorrow I get to write my annual letter.

In 2022 I think I set the goal of no more NoS/NoF dog cookies. What a habit. So good for me, 2 years of that. Ugh. Maybe it was 2021, either way, UGH. 

I RUSHED M1 this morning and now crave M1. Not at all H. Not at all. 
Oh, and water, It's 1030am and I'm already almost to 85 ounces. Last few days, close to 150 ounces!

That usually means that I'm NOT H for M3, yet.......I'm still in Moria.

I'm thinking that I can set a goal for 45 mins and 45 mins and 128 ounces and 10 pages, but what is this last bit so hard?! 

And what about Russian and Art? Even just 10 minutes would count. 

75.2 and 75.3 etc

Tuesday WALK in early chilly dark am with LA, really enjoy walking with him! WALK solo in evening as LA was at work.

Wednesday WALK 1 mile with LA then solo. Evening WALK with LA
Thursday WALK part with LA, the WALK with LA
Friday STENGTH 45 mins, then WALK solo
Saturday and SUNDAY just walks, some bits of running

The comet is visible - or at least it should be. I think I saw it Tuesday night. Plan to go back with LA and binocular Weds night. 

Tuesday I missed lunch due to being busy, and ate the last half on the drive home. So many stops, it's possible. Then I get home "hungry" to Moria! WTF?! 

Wednesday I have time RIGHT NOW to plan this out. Why am I not prepacking M3? I'll have time this weekend. But right now - sitting here. Not H. What will I do? I have my bottle of water waiting on the counter, I've thought about bagging some carrot snacks to walk with. Right now! WHAT?!

I will come home to dog, grab my water bottle and start laundry. I want to walk with LA and have dinner with LA. And we have phone call. I don't know when he'll be home. Hence my difficulty in planning this.......

*****

Realized Thursday that I could come home through the front door and divert from Moria! This worked! I went to the bedroom changed and got things done. Then Moria. 
I promised myself no dried fruit and no nuts tonight - another success! Still 1500 though. 

*****

Friday switched up schedule to be with LA before he leaves for MO. 

Tuesday of the next week!!
Walked this morning.

I've been coming how through the front door, take dog out, to bedroom, ..... then I go to Moria. Steps of improvement. 

But the weekend was a conveyor belt. I was craving dried fruit but sent it all to MO with Lev. Wanted nuts and unfortunately had those here. Unfortunately. I didn't follow meal plan this weekend, but didn't restart because there was improvement. 

75.1.2 or is it 75.1.3, or .4?

Whatever it was, good day.

Monday Oct 14th: WALK twice, 2nd in evening post travel with LA.

All good, added a bit to M1 and then added a bit to M3 and then stuck to it. 

I'm realizing that I enjoy this, it's a purposeful feeling. Like training again. I have a list of things to do, and I look forward to it.

But I need to quit starting over! 

Weekend fail, restart with clearer goals

Sat and Sun, CDay weekend, 45' mins walk each time

I'm failing on the diet part only. I said I was following BLE, and I didn't this weekend, so it's a fail. But worse is the end-of-day sick feeling, added to by the realization that I forgot to add the eggs. They were uncounted. No wonder I felt sick, what else wasn't counted?

This would have been day 18. My Health app in the phone keeps pointing out the change in activity and steps. It's not tracking it, but it wouldn't see a change in diet if that were a metric. 

Now when I recalculate, 75 days is Christmas. Remember Christmas 10 years ago? Hell. Absolute mental hell. I distinctly remember moments of that weekend. 

And I remember that an M-free stretch started that holiday. 10 years ago. I'm almost 10 years away from B2B 2014. 10 years. A lifetime. Is anything the same?

Well I said that before I realized a split second later - something hasn't changed. And it fucking needs to, because gawd damn if I'm here in October of 2034 typing this SAME SHIT when I'm about to turn 59 years old - JFC what a loss and a waste. 

So. What is going to change so that this LAST PIECE of the 75Hard comes into alignment? I thought about a rule that I write down every measured bite. Or better said, every bite after I've measured it. I'm so close on this Mon-Fri 8-6, the rest of the week and times get messed up. But these weekends are failing me. 

Follow BLE. Write it down in advance and follow it. Log it all. AND STOP when it says to stop. 

And Restart. Again. 

75.5 and Lean Six Sigma (or is it Sigma Six?)

Friday WALK 45 mins without dog so I went further - 2.75 miles

    WALK from VUMC to truck, plus some extra.

The second walk is a tricky one - we travel tonight to the Cape and I need to walk BEFORE we go. And ideally while I'm still at work, on lunch break. Or walk to the truck at the end of the day? Decisions. 

If I wait until I get home, it won't happen. I might could save myself time by walking to truck instead of waiting for and in the shuttle. 

I learned yesterday about the Lean Six Sigma. I though I'd use it at work, but realized on this morning's walk that I could use that model to look at my Moria issue differently. I see Atomic Habits-type thinking in the L6S, it will be more of the same until I change. 

The 43-44 hour audiobook of Count of Monte Cristo finished this morning! Whew, what a great book!! Next up and already started is the 7 Habits book. And atomic habits arrived today, coincidentally, confluence of habit change books. 

75.4 Puffy

Thursday STRENGTH 30 mins upper then RUN! 15 mins and just over a mile with the doggie
    afternoon - plan to WALK to be outside. ETA - Walked! But with issue.

The photo seems to be a silly thing, but it's the first goal I do each day. I haven't done anything with them. I feel and look puffy today, so no weigh in. A few days ago I blamed the scale for being "off" and unbalanced, but LAs weight seems the same. Denial. 

I did an indoor workout today, I don't plan them and don't think I will. At least just yet. I'm really enjoying the outdoor stuff more even if it's dark and colder.

Coming home to Moria, CHANGE this. 

ETA: came home to let dog out, change clothes, grab a snack, then walk! Good. Came back from walk and had another "snack". Hurried to aldi and came home to yet another .... "snack". Went to bed full. 

So. Partial fix. But no, not really. 

And LA was upset that I chose to walk instead of going with him to sushi. I just don't like sushi that much at all, to watch him eat it while I have other things to be doing. But I'm wrong there, I love being with him, but why not sitting there?! What's my defect here, think this through. I had a plan all day: walk then aldi and then phone call, all in time. After 6pm he says "go with me to sushi" and it's like a wrench in my plans! No, I had plans, I don't want to disrupt them for something I don't want to do (watch him eat) when I had things I wanted to do (walk and aldi). 

So I was ready to abort my walk and instead walk at 8pm during phone call. That way he gets time with me and time with kids. But he didn't want to wait for my last 25 minutes of walking. I didn't want to abort my halfway done walk to sit in a restaurant. Ugh, this is hard to explain. 

I want to spend time with him, NOT on the phone talking to kids and NOT over Youtube and NOT just sitting in a car going somewhere. Sitting in a restaurant is preferrable, but I put my walk over doing that. But I was frustrated that he couldn't wait for me, that he planned it last minute and expected me to comply, that............. the best answer would have been for me to abort? But I was able to get walk and groceries and get home before he did, and he didn't get back from sushi until right before 8pm - so there would NOT have been time to do both like he wanted. So what happened was for the better. 

75.3 Back to 130s?

Wednesday WALK with RUNNING and then later more WALK. 

Really killing my Count of Monte Cristo 43 hour book, doing 90 mins at least of it walking. Today it was 49F for the morning, and the sun is more hidden behind hills. Ugh, fall will be pretty but darker and
colder. Such is life, seasons and change. 

Speaking of change, and no I didn't do that on purpose, I need to change coming home habits. I have water and an apple in the truck waiting for my drive home. I'm not hungry when I get home, or at least I shouldn't be!! Go walk the dog right away, not stay in Moria. 

ETA summary. I came home again, same thing. LEv had already let the dog out so I Moria'd for 30 mins? and then ended up walking in the dark to finish around 8:10. UGH. Too full and too late. Approaching a FAIL and restart!

NSV or not?

Tuesday WALK 45 mins with only a few mins running
        WALK again 

The scale this morning read 132 then 127.8 then 133 then 128 then I fucking gave up. 

Good walk - the temps are falling!! and I needed a hoodie and sleeves pulled down. Running feels OK, it's been a week since that left foot "niggle" and I'm noticing it later today in my new NB shoes. Is it the shoes? I bought them immediately before the niggle. 

Art last night was some doggie doodles during phone call. Today instead of web surfing I did art with my reduced coffee (started yesterday, reduced from full 8 cups to about 4-5). 

Yesterday I finished my gallon of water around 6pm! But dinner, alas, didn't end like it should. Nor did it start. Ugh. 

ETA: good night, I come home not hungry physically but hungry mentally or maybe it's better to call it habitually. It's a habit? To come home and be hungry to eat. So I put dog to patio so I could eat sooner?! INstead of taking her out front. Note - I'm not hungry!

I'd had all my water by the time I got home - and was still drinking more but tried to limit it. The walks feel great, I'm really enjoying them! I'll do indoors stuff when I have to or when I want to, instead of scheduling it. 

Restart, and restart, and restart. As it's been for some time now.

75.1 Monday WALK with some running (not much tho)
        and more WALK maybe again some bouts of running 

Were I to have nailed it all so far, I'd be about 10-12 days into this. But I keep failing on just one thing. Holding to a diet plan. Photo, water (in excess), two 45 min exercises, reading - all great. But I'll add - it's untested - as I haven't traveled or had schedule hardship since starting. 

The diet plan in the challenge is up to me. I choose BLE. Simple enough - follow the list. But gawd damn I keep fucking it up, and so I keep restarting. Every day is The Day. My life has been this since ..... oooh how far back do I want to go?!

I can workout 90 mins a day, but I can't leave Moria. Really?

I've added working on Russian, artwork, husband, and dog to the list. Like I need a longer list. But those things happen outside of Moria, they might help. 

In a bit of good news, a week of 127-129. Progress there at least!

75Hard, repeat or reset

Monday 30th: yoga? and walk
Tuesday: walk/run; and walk
Wednesday: 40' upper and 10' cooldown; outdoor walk
Thursday: 40' core and 5' cooldown; slower outdoor walk

The workouts are going OK, enjoying outdoors but have a niggle in my left foot under 2nd toe. Slow down the walk for a bit, and be careful!

Drinking 128 ounces water PLUS coffee = 5.375 gallons or 11 pounds!

Reading JBP 12 Rules for Life

Photos ongoing

Diet. Ugh. BLE. Yesterday home from work I scored a "yellow" day and by rights I should reset to Day 1. It's otherwise day...5. I decided to repeat the day and if I do it again today - RESET. 

A real 75Hard 1 -3, finalized plan

Saturday 20' Strength, 20' core, and 5' mindfulness stretch
        Then 45' walk with LA to church

Sunday 45' walk run with LA

        Then 45' walk with LA to church

Monday 45' Yoga! (that's a lot for me) I needed the stretch

        Then 45' walk again

This weekend I had a plan. 
Diet: Write it down or type it in and follow that. So over the weekend I bought foods I had to wait on because I didn't plan it. And I did it! The post M3 and standing and surfing and BLTs is still an issue. 

Water: I didn't count coffee as part of my water this weekend. That's still not as hard as I expected but I think at work it will be! Having to PEE all the time!! Haha!!

I feel great. I like it so far, but I haven't really been tested yet. Travel, sickness, etc - not yet. 

I told Lev what I'm doing, so far he's holding me to sitting to eat dinner. I'm HAPPY with that. 

And the best so far: 129.6 this weekend!
Last Thursday 132. 

75Hard.3

WALK RUN in the rain! No Nova. Went to the church and back.
WALK 45 mins, more rain

Day 3. My mind keeps looking for ways to get around the "one miss and start over" rule".

The rain this morning is from a hurricane, Helene? Looks like it will be raining for awhile. I enjoyed the quit, time with myself, and the way the flow of water creates flat shingle-like ripples. How the water flows around leaves and creates waves. 

Good day, didn't really follow the diet. I haven't finalized on this. And I'm counting coffee!

75Hard.2

STRENGTH & PILATES 30 mins
WALK brisk 15 mins
WALK 45 mins

So that might be a concession I have to make. Sure I could have done another 15 mins of "indoor stuff", but the walk was the better workout to get moving and wake up. 

The water thing surprises me - not so bad? I get a lot in the morning. Coffee is not supposed to be included, however. I might have to make a fast decision on this. If I do the 75Soft, its 100 ounces of water. My coffee pot is 46 ounces. Ooh I just googled its 8x6 ounces, haha!!

LA has covid. Again. If it hits me I'm training anyway!

ETA: successful day. I'm surprised that the water isn't as bad as I thought. But COFFEE!
Did the afternoon walk with Nova, what a slow boo. 

Reading JBP Rule #4

75Hard.1

WALK RUN 45 mins

WALK 45 mins

Is this day 1 of a new challenge?

Follow BLE

Dring a gallon of water

Read 10 pages of non-fiction self-help type book

Exercise 2x a day for 45 mins, at least one outdoors

Daily progress photo

I managed all that today. I didn't have much issue with it, so I'll continue. I know some of the 2x 45 mins are going to have hard days - travel, sickness, etc. But that's the whole idea. It's SUPPOSED to be hard. 

Didn't pee as much as I thought I would!

Last night's dream; lunar full supermoon eclipse

CORE 10 mins!

I've been walking at least 10K a day (excepting the exceptions) but not running or exercising. I don't have the energy. Or desire? I think were I to start, the desire and habit would follow. 

I had a dream last night that I was hugely out of shape, putting on clothes and looking and feeling awful. 

I only rode by beloved bike a few times this year. I didn't run much, I reached 10-12 miles a week and just burned out for some reason. 

Some blame on the distraction of the new job (but this weekend is two months), the long commute (1.5 hours a day, or more), the life changes of new schedules and new everything. 

This weekend I'm going HOME for the first time since moving here. May? April? I miss home so much, but so much is changing there and I feel out of place. 

Great changes with other habits - 8pm, 3 fruits, 1 grain, and BLE. Some though are just hard to get rid of. Azog has a slow death, he's a challenge. 

Post 2 years Monster, now for Azog

 No running. Walking, including a new lunch walk habit. 

Last three weekends we're traveling. This weekend we're home. My to do list is really short, the things left on it are bigger projects that I can see a path towards. This weekend we're home!! I will make the most of it.

LA made changes, he's now kinda OMAD. I made changes. Today is day 2 of no phone with meals. No surfing, browsing, etc. Yesterday I did lunch with the phone. A bad habit that needs to go!! Dinner last night more of the same door-to-Moria for an hour. But no phone. Sadly a JAMA in the mail. SIT! Relax! It's stresful this way. 

September. New moon. 6 years. what next? 2 years!

Hey I went for a run Wednesday with Nova! RUN 1 mile

That's my first run since LA and I did the trail run...a month ago? Felt great. Let's do it again. 

So Sept 1 was The Day.
Then Sept 2 new moon was The Day.
Then Sept 4 6 years was The Day. 

I ended that last day the same way I did 6 years ago. With sunflower seeds and regret. 

What's next?
Sept 7th is 2 years. That certainly was A Day. 

WTF do I need to get CHANGED and out of Moria?

700 days, 1900 days, but still Moria

Supposed to RUN today, maybe a trail!

But for now, he's sleeping and and I'm AGAIN mulling why I'm stuck here. 

700 for Monster
1900 for Balrog
1 for Azog, the Great Ocr of Moria

Azog is a lingering orc, a time warp of sorts. Pulls you in and doesn't let go. Minutes, hours can pass. Walking through Moria, by Moria. Thinking about Moria, hiding from Moria. 

This too will end. Today. 

August 4th, New Moon again, only some change

RUN 3 miles with LA

PLUS 30 mins of strength and Pilates 

Some changes are positive.  No more fake B or fake M. Stopped chips. Back to meal prep and mostly on goal to have all 3 pre packed. Pimsleur and duolingo are done. I have a 3 miles/run habit almost 4 times a week. Still 132. New job! 3rd week of Apple Fitness is done, 3 more weeks until current plan ends. I can feel the strength and flexibility improving. That feels great.  Habit Rabbit is the new app. 

Some changes are negative. Today PB.  Recently raw oats. Still standing. Still spending a lot of time in and around Moria and it’s just ME I realize. All 4 of the rest of them are not. Really need to fix that. 

Some changes to make. Added a 30 min limit to meals, get out of Moria. Added prepack goal, I’m mostly on it. Stop raw oats. Stop PB before it’s a twice thing. 

Add in running to build up to a 10k plan starting Sep 14. 

Kids went back to MO yesterday on the New Moon.  This was yet another Reset Day. 

Then today I work from home and it’s yet another conveyor day.  Not sick, but not H AT ALL. Start again..

When I come back for the new new moon it will be …Sep 2nd. Goal under 130. 

Oh and 80 days until bday goal of under 125.  18 days until the MiTi 10th anniversary. I really want to be past all the shit by then! 

205 days No S, No F.  29.26 weeks!

698 days no M! 99.72 weeks!

1709 days since move in. 

1895 days since I Killed a Balrog.  

Independence Day, New Moon, no positive change

RUNNING!! I'm running 2-3 miles 3 times a week. I'm not closely tracking numbers. I'm also maintaining the 30-day workout challenge started in June and using a random number generator to pick what day to do. And yesterday I set up my workout corner in the rec room. I'll be surrounded by my past - IMWI2010 through to 2014 and 2016 racing success pictures. Since 2016, my life fell apart. So I don't have pictures hung up about that. 

Last night while trying to fall asleep, feeling my lower leg bones (especially the left, IT band?) ache, I realized it's been 5 years since Balrog. So why do I say no positive change?

And M, he's been out for 668 days. 1.82 years. 

No S, No F: 174 days!!

That my, dear Bee, is change. 

The change I'm not seeing, but wanting, but apparently not wanting bad enough to do it, is the goal that was 11 days from today - 123108. Remember that? Ha, like it's counterpart, it keeps getting put off. The counterpart, almost 2 years now. Seriously, I can't wait for that to be my end goal time?

But I do the oooh it's Independence Day into failure. 
I do the oooh it's a New Moon, into....well I haven't failed that yet. It was only last night. 

When I do this, then ...
When this happens, then ...

Like I expect some omen or magic to just *poof* change shit and Whoop shit is changed!!!

My dear Bee, that is not how change happens. The changes we made before listed above, happened because YOU CHANGED. 

Go ahead and read about JKO. About P KM. Pictures, comparisons, that's not going to do it.
Listen to podcasts about change. That's not enough either. 

Keep working the Actual Logs. You fail those daily, stopping around mid day. (I get it, you're busy). And keep working on the Self Awareness, again, you stop after getting tired.

The rest of your life can't be like this!! 

Post travel update, schisms, lack of change

RUN!! 3 miles in about 33-35 mins
BIKE!! about 7 miles in about 27 mins (yesterday), my first in TN
RUN! about 2 miles with LA and AEA

That's at least one change I've made. 

Remember how when travel was supposed to be When? Then the full moon, that was When. The Eclipse. May 3rd. A haircut. A move. LA gone for 2 weeks. When. Then. Then Again. 

Retainers. Orthodontic. Other eclipse. Surgery. Other surgery. Monday. Yesterday. Today. 

All Whens that failed. Whens that lasted only the minimalist of time. And now here in TN - post travel, post full moon or new moon or whatever moon I pick - no change. 

Then this morning. I'm out on my run and I see a message from my mom. "Did you call Dad today?". This honestly confused me. What happened?! Was I supposed to?

Minute or so later, this was a serious lapse, I realize. Father's Day. I missed Father's Day. 

I didn't miss my bike ride. I didn't miss a meal. I didn't miss any of that stuff in Moria at all, hell most of the day seemed spend there. 

Well this crashed my morning mood. And I here to get out of it. This mood of failure. Of excuse-finding. Of putting the faults everywhere else but me. 

I found the Autobiography in 5 Chapters in a book I took from our last stop to an AA Little Library. I hung it on the fridge. Refer to this post, immediately near this one. 

I'm trying to avoid the hole. I need to avoid the street. 

I want to do BLE. What the fuck is stopping me? Me. 

Instead it's the same hole, and it's most certainly my fault every single time here. Me. 

I forgot my dad on father's day.
I did too many RC.
I picked up the FB yesterday.
I pulled out the multiple CHOs this morning, over and over and over. 

Me.
In Moria.

Go call you dad, and take responsibility.
Go get things done, and quit looking at others for their supposed/imagined problems.

Go. Go down a different street. 

 Autobiography in Five Short Chapters 

I. 

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. 

It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. 

II. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don't see it. 

I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. 

It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. 

III. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it there, I still fall in. It's habit. 

It's my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately. 

IV. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it. 

V. 

I walk down a different street.

Whites Creek update

 Today May 30th - brief bouts of jogging with Nova on our walk! Yesterday BIKE a brief bout on Puppy.

Otherwise, not much. My smashed right big toe is better but still painful. But I didn't notice it on the run - so tomorrow...RUN!

More hardwood flooring today, tomorrow, Saturday. Sunday we leave for Kazakhastan. I can't seem to spell that correctly.

Most frustrating, is the lack of CHANGE here with Moria. Zippo on the M, Less on the waste, but totally not BLE. Every freaking day - "today". Every freaking night - "tomorrow". Plan. Think. Hope. That's not CHANGE. 

Last day of lab. And of mice?

I walked Nova to the kennel, in the rain, walked back, bus to work - late! On the walk back to the house, Coach Patrick talked about mindfulness and being in the moment. 

Lev had a court event that changed our plans a bit, but with benefits. 

I was just in the mouse house and killed off a bunch of little mice. So hard to do :(

Mayara gave me a bee necklace! Alejandra a small rosary and prayer book. Could that put me in the moment?

I fly to STL today, what a day. A whirl. 

2 more hours here, I want more time and I want less. 

33 more minutes. Then OUT!

600 days

 Last few days, RUN 1-2 miles with Nova every other day

600!! And so much more. 

3.5 more days of work here.
10 days to graduation
79 days to GOAL. More on that later.
106 days of NoS NoF
600 days of no M
1611 days together
1797 days no Balrog.

I think Balrog and work will go out together?!

I start another new life in a few days. NOW. Remember back in 2017 - trying to get down. Then in 2018? Then the 2019 crisis? The 2020 crisis? Then 2021 I started a new life, except M came with me. 

He's still here. Always here. Always, like a predatory cat. He'll pounce if I let him. He scratches me, especially these last few days. 

Remember February Considerable Lentitude? I haven't made progress since then.
Remember the solar eclipse? 
Remember the butterfly phone case?
Remember anything else in the past 3 months that .... held an promise of change?

I'll remember 500 as the time I started NoS NoF.

I'll remember 600 as the time I put the phone away, focused, and went slowly. 

Two weeks on my own

Saturday and Monday RUN just over a mile with Nova!

And yesterday Sunday long walks, and about 15 mins of strength training at home. "strength", you know what I mean.

Both days, conveyor belting.

Both days, lots of Pimsleur with my new phone. I got through ~500-600 speak-aloud questions. I think I'll keep repeating those as I can until my subscription runs out.

Speaking of subscriptions. My LAF gym ended on Friday. I ended the NourishingMeals on Saturday. Today I looked at the Apple Fitness that comes with my new phone, it has 3 months free to try it out. Might be the best three months to do something like this? 

I still don't have a new job and I'm waiting on two email replies about jobs. Frustrating to be told "I can't afford you". 

This week and the next at work, then done. Then we start officially moving out of the Maple house!

I'm burned out on Audiobooks. The last 3 or 4 I've tried to listen to just fail on me. I'm mentally full up. 

I miss Lev, he had a rough morning and I wasn't able to help. He said I was just making it worse. Ugh. 

I prepacked dinner for tonight! And added it to my Goals list. 

I'm looking ahead for a scheduling/journal/method for my Next Life in TN. 

Why so resistant to change?

Yesterday and today: RUN 1 mile with LA

It seems to be all we have time for? Why?! Why so hard to just get things done? Why do I feel like I spend so much time waiting, thinking ahead how things could be different, thinking things should already be different, etc?

Like the July goal. 91 days. In the last 9 days, what's changed? 

Well last night I had water before/during dinner! But I still stood and rushed a random dinner, and still left feeling too full and kinda sick. 

The spreadsheets reflect that too. No change, is no change. 

Tonight, keep the water. And sit down. 

Starting yesterday, I've been low on self esteem (thanks boss) and hard on myself. Sluggish and feeling like I'm missing on something. And yesterday some hormone-symptom changes, that's not helping either with the slug feeling.

4140 Nashville

We did it!! We bought a house. Yesterday, in a there-and-back-again trip to Nashville.

We're almost done here in Michigan. In a month, we'll be mostly moved out, if not entirely so. Yesterday was just one month after Match Day. We could be set such that we're out in two months of it!

SO MUCH CHANGE. This one I'm looking forward to.

But I'm looking forward to also - 

1. Being out of a house that had M. 586 days!
2. Going to a house that doesn't have a Moria. Wow - that would be amazing and sadly I can admit here that when I think about what it will be like to come home to this house, my thoughts to go how I can keep Moria from being there, ever. 

I think, I have that closet. My refuge. When I saw it yesterday, it was smaller than I had in my head. Less of a refuge I guess. But the habit to built is to come home to that. Walk the dog. Or something other than Moria. 

I bought a house, and my thoughts are on M and Moria. I can leave them behind!

Some more stupid math. April 30th or so is 600 days with out M!
Next week is 100 days No S No F

3 more days is 1600 days with LA

I have 93 more days to July Goal. Progress there? Eh....
17 more days of work

24 days until graduation

2024 Eclipse

RUN!! With some walking, 1.5 miles with LA

Our first run in a long time, we really fell off the habit. We are in the thick of being ready to move, but not actually moving. We are STILL waiting for house loan shit to finalize, and just moments ago I got an email from B of A - I haven't opened it yet - hopefully it's good news. But LA wants the other lender, so we wait. Hence, I wait. 

The eclipse is today, starting soon. At 2pm it starts, just after 3pm it totalities. At 2:20 it's a New Supermoon. I have been looking forward to this for 7 years, since the last one. For that I'd planned my trip into Illinois to watch, things have changed. 

Here I go again, thinking Things Will Change, but not because of this eclipse. It's because of ME. 

And I need to keep changing, it's 24 more days until work is done, 31 days until graduation, fucking awesome coincidence 100 days until my July 'date goal', 85 days of No S and No F, 578 days of No M, and 1776 days (freeeedom!!) from The Balrog. 

100 more days, what can I do in 100 days? I like lists....ugh that's a LOT!! 

5x20 lists? 10x10 is too much. Maybe that's what needs to change - the lists. 

What definitely needs to change is like yesterday. Rice, then rice cakes, then rice. Standing! STANDING!? No plan, no measure, no effort. I was tired after a quick Nashville and back trip. It was 131.6 yesterday. 137.2 today. I know, it's not real between dehydration (likely) and carb bloating, but UGH. 

Well, off to see if we can see it... more later!

----

Later on Thursday, days later! This wasn't as stellar as the 2017, but just as great. This morning I was able to meditate on it. I'll change my phone again too, the wallpaper. Done. 

A few weeks left at this job, and listening to the conversation with LN in the next bay, only encourages me to leave quickly. The conversation I had just minutes ago was encouragement too. Interview tomorrow. Only 1, so far? I'm putting a lot of hope on this one. It might not be enough. This weekend, more letters?

And as for the change? I'm aware, but ..... what's happening?! The dog was sick the day after the eclipse and I stayed home with Moria. Then since, Moria. But last night - I stayed OUT. 

April Fooling

1.8. 9-6 at work. Struggle bug day, at the flow cytometer that had to be restarted three time and sample issues and ugh. There was no flow to my cow. Rainy, non evening dog walk. Ate dinner too fast, apparently too much too. That's gotta change. But numbers and jzs feel good. I like that. The house is a mess, lev might not go to MO this weekend, and I'm adding up my vacation days at work being honest as I can. Used 29 days out of 44. So 15 remaining. That flow should have taken only a few hours. Makes me feel incompetent. But I was hurrying, I did try, but. Didn't get to ordering or mouse house.

Vernal Equinox

So 60 some days into "BLE" and the only change I've held strongly to is No S, No F. Two of the four, granted, but the harder two are still there. 

And guess what. No change, means no change. 

Setting out again, with new goals 120 days away, 17 weeks, and what's the goal? 

1. Get running, biking, something, habited through these next tough weeks. 

But that's not really what I mean. 

BLE 1 2 3 4 is what I mean

123108 is what I mean

I went from )) to my own .... fill in the blank. 

The Match

I'm writing this days afterwards, after a whirlwind of activity!

Before the Match, I was silently praying (in my own way) for please St Louis. After the last few years of wanting out of St Louis, I now wanted back. I wanted the familiarity, the proximity to families, the friends, trails, rides, parks, stores, jobs that I was familiar with. It would have been -- easier. 

At the Match, first off in a crowded room that just shuts me down (still haven't outgrown that?) I see the result - Vanderbilt - and I'm just ... what's the word ... let down. 

It's not what I wanted, not my first pick. But still, it's exciting and new. Do I really want to go back to .... you know ... 

In my mind, I'm still on Greenrock. Babler Butterflies. Me and Tim or Tori. 

In my mind, it's still pre 2016 and when I look in the mirror there's a jolt of disreality, dismay, loss, yearning, aching. 

What is it I miss? 

My health. My clarity. But not ... that. 560 days now, away from that. They were linked. They weren't linked. I was linked. I wasn't. I can still be healthy, without. 

So now a new life. There's no nearby FP or TGP, maybe there's the distant Bablers and Greenrocks. I'm still looking. 

Time to grow up the rest of the way. 

Imagine have a K that's not Moria. A trail without the residues. Streets without the trash. Stores without the hauntings. 

End of February, and into March

I'm not writing much, because what to say? We're constantly counting down the day until the Match. Now, it's 2 weeks from tomorrow! 

Today is like a bonus day, leap year day. LA left for MO reserves this morning. I'm not going to sit here and re-hash all the court case, moving, and all else drama.

Let's focus on just me. After now 45-ish days of No Sugar and No Flour, and 45-ish days of trying to follow the other two lines....barely a change? I'm stuck in the 135 range. But today, if it's real, 1328. A few days ago 133. Two days ago 1392. It just....befuddles and frustrates and more. 

Considerable Lentitude has lots of green, but lots of red. Especially red for M3. I'm always hurrying, always distracted, always thinking about something else. I'm thinking about THIS when I'm typing. I'm not thinking about it when it's M3 time. 

abort and give up. stop!

Another week of ....failure or change: Considerable Lentitude

I came across a copy of my job description - the real one, not the MC one - and saw the term Considerable Latitude. It struck me in multiple ways. I have considerable latitute, don't I? 

And I don't mean just at the job, but also in my life. And I'll probably never get across here how it sounds in my mind. But while I don't have it at work Oh, but I could, and I don't. 

And I do have it at home, but I don't take advantage of it. 

Case in point - last night came home after my time on the sorter when over time. Home late. Not hungry. Cold, rushed, tired, mind fuzzed. What did I do? Moria. Moria. Moria. 

I had Considerable Latitude in my choices of what to do, and I chose The Depths of Moria. Went to bed unable to sleep, feeling sick. 

My New Moon checklist for yesterday had lots of red. I'm losing, but I'm not trying. 

Wednesday - I realized only yesterday that yesterday was Fat Tuesday. Yup 137. So I'm restarted my checklist for the next 40 days. By wonderful omenic alignment, that's the end of March and under 130. GO GO GO.

Friday I'm not typing much. There's not much to say. We're in such stress about the upcoming Match. 28 days I think. LA is kind of a mess. I don't know what to say to him, everything just gets turned around and thrown back and rejected and I feel helpless about it.

Focusing on me instead, that's all I can control. I have a list of 40 Lent goals. I'm doing better about no iphone meals, but not about that 4th meal in the evening. I'm not exercising beyond my 30 Days Challenge (squats, pushups, planks, crunches) and dog walks (regular evening habit started). Gym, running? No. 

I'm reading a LOT, using books as a distraction? I started a "108 List" of fiction books. There's really more than 108 books, more like 116, but realistically I might only get to 108. 

We travel this weekend to Chenoa, next weekend to St Louis, next weekend he travels to MO, next weekend we go to MO, the next weekend we MATCH and go to MO. Again!

Cair Paravel: 1362 to 1348

Monday RUN 1 mile with Nova
Wednesday RUN 2 miles solo
Friday RUN 1 miles with Nova
Saturday RUN abt 2 miles with LA and Nova

Monday Some realizations this weekend. I've been hard on myself - work, home, body, mental, all - and it's not getting me anywhere. The huge weight peak didn't help, the pained "organs" and all that, but upon LA telling me I don't have goals, and MC telling me essentially that I'm "ineffective" -- it all wound into a "if everyone around you stinks, check your own shoes". And here I am. Checking my shoes. I could be doing better. 

I could be organizing my time better. Why just this last Saturday in a letter to Jessica I realized that I do have time in the evenings, but where does it go? Why do I get up at 6am and have 3 hours to get to work but still have to hurry. Honestly, where does the time go!? This is an old question I've tried to solve with paper notes and apps. 
I could get more done at work by consolidating all Ordering Tasks to one set hour a day. Like, 4-5pm is Lab Manager Time. On busy days, skip it. I could funnel tasks into a Power Hour type of plan, in which I cumulate all the silly things into an hour waiting for a machine to finish. I could stop typing things like this....
I could get more done at home? By paying attention to what I'm doing. Really, when I get home by 6pm and have 6-7pm open and then 745-bedtime open -- what am I doing that time? I'd like to be eating, walking dog, reading or painting, being with Lev. But it doesn't work that way. 

I could be more aggressive and decisive about goals. I hedge and wait and delay. Why? I like to have all the information before doing anything and many times in my mind more time can mean more information. But still, I can have goals.

I could be so much better following my meal plan and exercise plan. Especially the meal plan because I put so much energy into planning that and then --- I come home to Moria. See above. What am I doing all that time? Why am I in the kitchen for what seems like HOURS after I come home?! 

Start paying attention for a few days, get some data. 

Tuesday Last night, was able to paint and read! Didn't walk dog and I need to start doing that - she woke me up 3 times this morning to go out. Brat. Progress to 1354, chest is feeling better and so am I. But I also realized this morning that I'm now feeling happy progress just getting back to what used to be a problem!

I'm at work early - don't lose it and get going!

ETA good then fell into nuts and fake butter. Got to paint and relax and pre bed walk, love it!

Wednesday Good run this morning, wanted to go more if I could. This weekend? Last night I realized Dates+butter is a bad idea -- so no more. Find something less... triggering. 

ETA 2 dates, peanuts and butter again, too full at the end. 1600!! 

Thursday  CHANGE! ETA No change yet. Same issues. Rush to Moria, all time in Moria, keep going back to Moria.

Friday Super New Moon day. Set a list of 30 goals for 30 days. Put the seeds to basement. Put the peanuts to trash. Clean up and clear out.