900 days. But not 1 day.

I'm on a streak off the RC&FB, today is 7 days. WIN.

I'm not exercising. I'm eating more. My clothes are ....eh.... not good. FAIL. Fixable Fail. 

No art. No Russian. WTH happened?!

How did I get so suddenly busy? How did 75Hard just completely disappear?

I thought (and that's the problem, I only thought about it) about starting a "perfect m3 streak" on 901 days, even actually delayed it until Tuesday as Monday was only 900 and then the counts don't match up. Ugh. I didn't get day 1 last night. 

Last night was so bad, that I woke up this morning still remembering all that I didn't put into MFP. I logged it. The remembered more.

Coach P, BLE, everyone else - PLAN AHEAD. 

And I need better meals, they just get.... unsatisfying. 

1975

This sign at Vantage today for Karen B's birthday. I sent it to Jess. She's thinking Ol Chap tattoos!

246 days.

I did today make a notebook with a problem per page, and wrote solutions and observations on the pages to make to do's to fix or thoughts. 

WIN. And if I can do today, I'll have 5 days of WIN

No RC or FB yesterday. Tomorrow we leave for MO, stay until Sunday. So I just gotta get this streak started. I can feel the fx of the past week in my clothes. It sucks. 

Long letter to Jessica this morning, overdue, and a Life Lament about "how life is so hard and why do I feel this way" and I realized a few days ago and today that yes, this is life, and this is how it is, and UNLESS I CHANGE then THINGS WON'T CHANGE.

I talked with Mayara Tuesday, her life in Ohio sounds the same as it did in Michigan. The boss. The husband and his health. The stress. I told LA that she physically moved but didn't move in habit. In saying that to LA, I realized - I'm talking about myself! I moved to MI, moved to TN, but didn't CHANGE how I frame life. 

I see life as repeating days of chores, packing meals, getting up and getting to bed. I see it as an endless list of things to do. A list of things I'll never get finished. 

And as I'm thinking all this, I'm keeping front and center the facts that my sister does this and I don't hear her complaining. LA has WAY more to do than I do, making my list look short. So reality check. 

But just like I can't compare my life and happiness to others, like they say about social media peoples, I need to work on me. 

Writing the letter to Jess got a lot out of my head and seeing it on paper was a good thing to see. 

I grabbed a tiny notebook to write down what's bothering me, the reality of it, my choices to address it, and just get a look at what's in my head. 

Yesterday I finished both Pride and Prejudice as well as Jane Eyre. I started Wind in the Willows, a book I received as a gift in 19-fucking-86 and still haven't read. Talk about things lingering on the to do list. 

Yesterday another FAIL. Today - so far, so good

Yesterday - home to Moria, stuck in Moria, alone in Moria. RC. FB. M-ish. 

Afterwards, felt awful. Mentally, not so much physically. 

Today - optimistic. It's a "snow day" and it could have been a PTO or WFH day. But I couldn't. Because Moria. A conveyor belt of fails. 

I want to continue sitting here and figuring this all out. But I've been doing that for years. And what have I figured out? 

The sesh with the mayo and sugar and bite has been on my mind a lot recently. Abyss. 

I want to lay out Goals and figure out the problems. I can type all day long, but the problem isn't here, it's in Moria. 

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL: RC and FB

Thursday I listened to an audio book that said that "forbidden foods" just become problems. I used this as license to have RC and FB all fucking weekend - Friday through Monday. Now on Tuesday, I feel like shit, regret, shit, etc etc. 

I have no plan it seems. I have no ... what?

Last night while coming back from Cape G LA proposed a walk and my FIRST CONCERN was M3. Not even H. But M# OMG WHAT WILL I DO. 

Dear reader, M3 was fine and on time and in Moria. 

I have anxiety. That's what it is, and this entire blog centers for the past 15.5 years since inception that's been the issue. I didn't talk about it much at first. It really started in 2009 with W30 as a tiny seed. Then 2013 as a sea-change into 2014-2015. Then from there, here we are. 

I turn 50 in a few months. Opening my Reminder app....

71 days to finish the FAILED 108Hard
100 days until "Goal", which I think is the new 108Hard deadline
5 days no RC and FB - oh FUCKING HELL change that
401 days NoS and NoF
895 days no M
1905 Move in Day
2091 no Balrog

So now it's 1 day no RC and FB. 
Change 71 days to Birthday ... 249 days away. 

So "Goal". ??  What is that, EXACTLY? 

Nothing to say, but so much to say

I have nothing specific to add here but a bunch of thoughts swirling around. Remember the color-in-the-box habit trackers? Well I made another for the next half of 108 days with ~30 habits, some yes/no and some on a 6 point color scale. 

I've started over an unknown number of times now. I need to quit starting over, stop the 75Hard app, and focus on this habit tracker - going all purple which will be my color of Win. I just now thought of this - stopping the Pass/Fail of 75Hard. OK, good. 

Focus on getting the meals in place, really that's where life struggles right now. This... obsession. This habit of thinking and planning and wondering and if'ing and then - failing it. 

And not to be funny, but in my pocket is the grocery list that I need to fill out today. Thursday is Meal Planning Day. Tomorrow I have time in the morning to get groceries. Then this weekend - meal prep. Again. 

I opened my 2024-2025 personal calendar to August last night and saw that sit, plate, plan were goals then. They still are! 

FAILED again. Just 2 days.

Yesterday I found a book that went on about Forbidden Foods and how resisting only makes you want them more. I used this stupid excuse to have RC and FB. It went from "some FB for my tater" (which was after 8pm, BTW), to well half an RC, to more RC, to a downright session ending with FOUR RC and FB and tater and 

FAIL.

On the plus side, I did another post-dinner Fitness + workout, possibly establishing a new habit for myself, since doing it in the morning has been absent lately. 

FAILING. Why? Start with focus

Restarting today, last week was a mess of work and stress. This past weekend was busy but So Much Done. Big chores for cleaning done, meal prep done, and the stress of the upcoming weekend alleviated by a PTO/WFH day on Friday!

I was acting like I was Winning, but I was just checking boxes as a pass. I wasn't working out last week. I went from 45 mins twice a day to zero, like overnight. I set a new goal of just 45 minutes a day, however possible. Last week I checked the box, but didn't do it. 

Here it is:
1. Less than 15
2. 45 mins cumulative, with some of it "efforted"
3. Picture
4. Read
5. Drink
6. BLE-mostly with focus on M3 behaviors - sit!
7. No Overfulls at any time

75 days is April 26th
108 days is May 29th

Day 1 on 2-4 FAIL; Day 1 on 2-5: WIN

This is certainly a busy week, so I'm trying to be kind to myself. Seahorse on Monday. RVLC on Tuesday (which was cancelled). Seahorse, Amplify, and RVLC on Wednesday. 4 hour workshop and 4 other meetings Thursday. Another 4 hour meeting Friday. 

Monday shouldn't have been stressful - it's just a Seahorse assay. 
Tuesday shouldn't have been stressful - because RVLC cancelled.
Wednesday could have been stressful - I moved RVLC to CFAR and focused on AMP001.

I FAILED on Monday and Tuesday. OK all day - then Moria. Moria to the point that I'm in physical pain when I get to bed. 

Wednesday - I'm mindful and aware of what happened. I come home in such a stressed RUSH that I eat FAST. Too fast, too much, too random. The list is embarrassing. So on Wednesday - I WON!

Today is Thursday. So far this week - only a walk workout on Monday. That's it. Ugh. But hang in there. 

Day 1 on 2-3 - FAIL

I awoke and my first thought was "Day 1". 
So, Day 1 with the following changes to the app:

<1500/day

45' min workout, however it's done

Photo

Read

Drink

8-8 and 3 meals, BLE as possible
No overfilled regrets

This is more targeted to my goals. The second workout and the cheat meals are really all I'm eliminating and replacing with better. And, when I write <15 it comes out looking like 45 anyway. ha!

HOME to Moria, not H, butternut, more butternut. Turkey. Pickles. Waiting to go for a run/walk with LA. Anxious in Moria. Waiting. Turkey.    Walk.  Home to turkey, broccoli, yogurt, clementine, string cheese, lettuce, oatmeal, canned pumpkin. More?

I'm sick. Nauseated. It HURTS. I go to bed.