Vernal Equinox

So 60 some days into "BLE" and the only change I've held strongly to is No S, No F. Two of the four, granted, but the harder two are still there. 

And guess what. No change, means no change. 

Setting out again, with new goals 120 days away, 17 weeks, and what's the goal? 

1. Get running, biking, something, habited through these next tough weeks. 

But that's not really what I mean. 

BLE 1 2 3 4 is what I mean

123108 is what I mean

I went from )) to my own .... fill in the blank. 

The Match

I'm writing this days afterwards, after a whirlwind of activity!

Before the Match, I was silently praying (in my own way) for please St Louis. After the last few years of wanting out of St Louis, I now wanted back. I wanted the familiarity, the proximity to families, the friends, trails, rides, parks, stores, jobs that I was familiar with. It would have been -- easier. 

At the Match, first off in a crowded room that just shuts me down (still haven't outgrown that?) I see the result - Vanderbilt - and I'm just ... what's the word ... let down. 

It's not what I wanted, not my first pick. But still, it's exciting and new. Do I really want to go back to .... you know ... 

In my mind, I'm still on Greenrock. Babler Butterflies. Me and Tim or Tori. 

In my mind, it's still pre 2016 and when I look in the mirror there's a jolt of disreality, dismay, loss, yearning, aching. 

What is it I miss? 

My health. My clarity. But not ... that. 560 days now, away from that. They were linked. They weren't linked. I was linked. I wasn't. I can still be healthy, without. 

So now a new life. There's no nearby FP or TGP, maybe there's the distant Bablers and Greenrocks. I'm still looking. 

Time to grow up the rest of the way. 

Imagine have a K that's not Moria. A trail without the residues. Streets without the trash. Stores without the hauntings.