Hugs, ginger, and persective

Friday COMMUTE 9.2
Saturday COMMUTE 9.2
Sunday rest because my hips and knees hurt
Monday COMMUTE 9.2
Tuesday COMMUTE 9.2

I'm just so happy I can type in something that I did, that I went and detailed all those days. Because.

Friday was the start of a mental downward spiral that ended with me falling asleep near tears. Why? Fuck I dunno. I rarely cry. Tears don't fix anything. I felt helpless, I guess. I felt sick and nauseated and weak and pained, and it culminated into a mental crack.

Also on Friday I started reading Dr Google (Google is a she, so it was google-bitch) (and yes I know the dangers of asking Dr Google anything) about a potential source of my symptoms -- the new IUD. Placed last October of 2018, and while I can't say my symptoms directly correlate with that time line, it's something on the list of differentials.

I found many anecdotal stories from women playing themselves as victims of a fraudulent and lie-filled industry that covers the evidence of side effects and pathology. I'm terrible, I know, but even I read these stories and myself get sucked into the "omg me2" mentality. The symptoms they list only partially overlap with me, so I'm not fully convinced. But as a way to get myself out of this loop I emailed Dr McM (see Tuesday for update).

Anyway, I fell asleep in a low energy, negative, depressed mood with hip pain, almost no food because I felt sick, and still blood pooling in my ankle. Oh, and near tears. I woke up in a similar fashion, I felt sick after breakfast and just headed to work knowing that if I stayed home I'd fall in another trap of being sick and depressed.

Once at work, the feeling continued. I couldn't shake the mental sludge even with PCR. LA called and I didn't want to talk about it, it would just make it more real, but he pulled it out of me. I told him about the Dr L visit, (didn't mention the Dr McM results), the bike ride, the crash, the fear that "something is wrong with me". I'm such a wimp. Jeezus. A PanZee. JFC.

He took me to FoPa for a walk, exactly what I needed -- to get away from myself and my thoughts. First off a big hug. I didn't know I needed that. We walked past the spot I crashed, then back along the trail to the skating rink, stopped on a bridge and talked. He made a good point, many actually, one being that I'm too focused on this and stressing myself out. That innumerable biochemical reactions are taking place in my, that I can't control all of it, that I needed to just step back.

Ah. Perspective. TB is good for that too. Haven't talked to her in months....

Anyway, my counter to this is that I can't keep living this way -- feeling sick, having the now near-constant pain each night, the back-to-back injuries, the fear of the next injury, the inability to fix what is going on. Maybe it can't be fixed. But I have to try. In the meantime though, relax.

He took me to Kirkwood for ginger. Yummy! We sorta planned on meeting up later to just rest, but he had homework and I don't want to get him in trouble. I didn't eat much for dinner, still feeling sick, I'm not even sure I ate dinner actually...  He' ask: are you OK. Answer: Yes. Ask: are you sure? Answer, no. Ugh. Hate this.

Sunday back to work, and later shopping. To my surprise, I did get and didn't sabotage myself like I normally do. WIN. Oh, and this was DAY 2 OF NO M. I'm calmer.

There's a definite correlation between my mood and my gut condition. I'm not sure which comes first -- do I feel sick then I feel mental? --or do I feel mental and then I feel sick? I'm sure there's a feedback mechanism though -- once one starts the other feeds off it, then the other feeds off that, and so on.

Monday. All day Sunday I didn't feel sick, and the same all day here too. But I was a bit mental, I wanted to be alone and did the mouse house weaning on my own. Didn't eat much all day and felt better for it, but low energy. Returned the key fob to JonT at the Soulard gym (finally) and delivered a SCOBY to him, Walgreen's again for the prescription fix, and was going to go to Jay's to buy bok choi (recommended by nutritionist) but my mind kept skipping to buying ginger candy and persimmons instead. Ah...a hint...don't go to Jay's. IT'S A TRAP! Haha. So went to Schnucks and to my total amazement walked right by the problematic chocolate (problem because nutritionist says 'eat more' and I instead use it as a meal replacement) and bought ONLY GREENS. ONLY. OMG.

And I was tempted by the cho in the truck, but threw it out instead. OMG. Day 3

There's a definite correlation between how much I eat and how I feel for the next 1-6 hours. I can work that out, experiment, and find the balance.

Tuesday. Repeat of Monday -- small meals, not much food but feel GREAT. Heard back from Dr McM regarding my IUD question. I like her answer! I did OK with the first Mirena, I don't have other estrogen options because of my "cardiac history", and menopause?! She mentioned a test for FSH, and yes I'll do it! And I'll read up more on menopause.

Day 4.

I might just go crazy. Seems very likely actually. Maybe tomorrow.

COMMUTE 9.2 miles

Finally Monday night's snow and ice is cleared enough to bike to work again. There's still some patches under the trees, so gotta be careful.

My calf injury from last Tuesday's tempter tantrum is not improving much. Last week the blood pooled around my ankle, that cleared, but now more blood pooled there. Lined up against where my sock pressed into the swollen skin, and more dark stain down along the heel pad. Notably, it's medial on the ankle while the injury is lateral. There's blood pooled under the injury side too, but not as apparent. Yesterday my ankle was very swollen, puffy and not healthy looking. Same today.

It hurts to walk, touch, stretch. It's a focal pain. Now my injury-battled brain is worried about another fracture, since the pain isn't abating like a muscle injury might. I looked at anatomy pictures yesterday and don't see the head of the fibula at that spot but do think it's possible I hit the lateral top of the tibia? It couldn't have fractured, gotta just be bruised if anything? It was a sliding fall on limestone....not a fracture situation. But my poor brain goes there anyway.

At what point do I seek treatment? I don't want to do that, but ...... sometimes it helps heal faster. Case in point -- the right hip. I would have kept biking and maybe even running without that diagnosis.

And my right hip is hurting, and if I'm honest with myself the pubic bone aches too. At least I think it does. It's hard being honest. Last night the outer hip hurt, whatever soft-tissue is the source, it burned and ached. When I lie there and think about it, it feels like my femur aches too. I've had this a long time now, mentioned it to Dr L, and he sees a nerve injury/entrapment/adhesion issue. I like his version better, come'on, a bone ache? WTF does that even mean? It's just the words I have to describe it.

So again pain while in bed, an ache in the pubic bone, and now this calf bullshit. This morning walking the dog (in her adorbz butternut/pumpkin coat...aww) I jogged across Jefferson and thought "wouldn't a long walk and/or jog be nice over lunch? By the end of the walk, I was in near-anxiety attack because of the hip and calf pains.

It turns my stomach, to think I'm injured. My brain sludges and won't process. I feel smothered. Weak. Heavy. Unable to get out.

This isn't my body. What's happened?

Full moon morning

Couldn't see the full moon, was too cold. 11F when I walked the dog, and although sunny  and nice it wasn't a good walk for her. I had to carry her butt half a block. I don't think she's feeling good, so I'll call the vet today. She scooted Sunday, I'm guessing that's it.

Well anyway, it's been one week since my meltdown temper tantrum and I feel like I've made ZERO progress on it. Not that I'm giving up, but just expressing frustration. My left hand scabs are healing slowly, the winter gloves and gloves at work are hard on healing. My right elbow still very bruised. My left calf is worrisome. For the second time now, I can see pooled blood at my ankle under the injury. It hurts and aches. My luck I cracked something else. Ha. But it doesn't hurt like a break, but rather like the bruised swollen leg that it is. Still very bruised.

I got what I wanted -- an excuse to not run. Haven't had the urge to run on the leg, it hurts to even jog across the street. Got what I wanted.

But haven't been getting what I want with the nutrition. I need to get back on track. My numbers as logged and measured are NOT improving. I'm still low on the nutrients pointed out to me, and spent the last 3 days feeling sick for what I'd eaten.

This morning, threw out the add-ins to the yogurt and stuck to my meal plan. Still not feeling great, swollen, and bloated. One of the problems I think I cause for myself is eating too big of a breakfast, then I feel sick the rest of the day. And the nuts, or maybe the fat in the nuts, or both, or specifically one type of fat, whatever it is -- gives me an awful too-full about-to-burst about-to-vomit pressure in my throat. Not an allergy type of thing though. But back off the nuts and find better.

So far, the greens seem to be doing OK with me (thank you Instant Pot).

30 days of perfect nutrition. I'm one week in. 7 days minus 3. Only at 4/30. Ugh.

30 days fail

Saturday BIKE! 20.7 miles around Fo Pa and Wydown, in 1:23
  and COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Sunday COMMUTE 9.2 miles

I'm just now (on Tuesday) calling up the Garmin file on this Saturday ride, and I see the Training Effect is "5.0 Overreaching". I'm not sure what that means. I can take a guess. Garmin says "This activity was very demanding. While it can significantly improve your cardiorespiratory fitness, it can become harmful without enough recovery time and should be done sparingly."

Sparingly. Fuck off.

The ave HR was 157, ok that's a bit high but it's also the wrist reading so I'm not fully trusting it. It was a great ride, maybe the last warm t-shirt level weekend of the season. I wore my beloved Rapha jacket but no bike shorts, a bit of chafing from that. Worth it.

Sparingly. WTF?

Anyway, Friday night I went to return the key fob to the gym I almost joined in Soulard, but the 6pm class was a nothing no-show not even the lights on. Dammit. Off to make something of this, I decide to get some of the groceries. Stopped at Jay's and got the tofu and tahini I thought I'd try. Aldi's got good on my list but picked up rice cakes for the tahini.

Naturally this all made me sick to my stomach. Worse yet, M threw out the rice cakes before going to bed, knowing if I ate more the next day it would just continue. I tried more tahini in the morning and spent the rest of the day sick. Pressure in my throat, like my stomach pushing up my esophagus, nauseated, not hungry. I do the bike ride at 330pm on just a clementine orange. Still feeling sick I try to eat some dinner. Of course I had to have some tahini, part of me figures if I'm already sick what's the difference? Ugh.

Sunday morning my hips hurt! The soft tissues took a beating from the ride. I'd hoped to ride again today but that's a bad idea. More tahini, as I'm still sick. I throw the rest of it away. Sick the rest of the day as I cleared the yard and enjoyed the 65F weather. Didn't enjoy how my stomach felt.

More errands and I thought about some walnuts, ginger, and dark chocolate as stir-ins for my yogurt. Take a guess how this went. Not good. Fucking M. Sunday night was a total loss of stomach happiness.

Monday a cold front was coming in, the temps expected to be 15F overnight with 1-2" of snow. All day Monday sick, at lunch time I nearly threw up. Drive home nibbled M some macadamia nuts, those were OK. And dinner was almost OK.

I gotta get back on track.

One week in, update and learneds so far

BIKE COMMUTE all days except today. Just didn't feel it. (Cold pansy)

So it's Friday, I'm one full week out of my initial visit with JenMcD, and on the 7th day of the 'nutrition plan', that plan being simply a rotation of the two example days they sent me. I know they don't mean for me to repeat those two days over and over like this, but I gotta start somewhere. And having to decide what to eat - whether it's right or enough or filling or maxematically (new word for me, haha, means max'd out mathematically) ideal - is one of my stresses.

Anyway. I quickly realized in food logging that I was more symptomatic than I realized, most days feeling sick, overfull, bloated, refluxy, not hungry. It quickly narrowed down to butternut squash and/or broccoli, by alternating meals with one or the other and tracking symptoms. I figured this out right around the time of the meeting, so when I got the 'plan' of suggested foods I immediately swapped them out. Put in olives instead of butternut. They didn't have broccoli in the plan.

Plan has 3 meals and multiple snacks, I didn't know what to do with the snacks, I don't think of myself as a "snacker" since I'd eat breakfast and dinner and that's sometimes it. But I give it a whirl anyway. Quantities aren't mentioned, so I don't list them here.

Day 1: eggs, greek yogurt, avocado; orange and nuts; chicken, sauteed spinach, carrot, potato sauteed in olive oil, nutritional yeast; dark chocolate; fish and acorn squash; crystallized ginger and dark chocolate.

Day 2: egg omelete with sauteed greens, avocado; yogurt berries and ginger; salmon cakes with zucchini and potato; butternut, nuts, dark chocolate; chicken with beets avocado.

WTF are salmon cakes? Oh and crystallized ginger there because LA had bought me a pound of it and it ended up in my pre-meeting food log. Haven't eaten it since.

So in summary, lots more greens and add in nuts.
I had to make changes, as I'm not into sauteing things, had to swap out the squash, and used egg whites with maybe one yolk. And that seems still like a lot of food once it's packed up for the next day, but I might only think that because I don't usually pack all my food to see it all at once.

So after one week -- almost no gut symptoms! (Might also help that LA is out of country and I'm not eating new foods late at night...). My energy is OK, I'm going to bed not feeling sick, most all bloating is gone. I'm not using things like ketchup, mayo, no salad bars, not nomming randoms because of the accountability of having to log it. But I've had a few days of dizzy-when-standing-up, maybe lower than usual salt?

And this next week? I'm planning to just keep rotating the schedule. I've added in dill pickles for salt. Gotta find a better option for the nuts, I don't really like them. And the dark chocolate...well that becomes a meal so I don't have a firm grasp on that relationship right now. I tried it twice this week and it's just not a good option for me. I've been using baking cocoa on my yogurt instead.

Well in the end I'm shooting for my 30 Days of Perfect Nutrition. When I log all this into the Cronometer and don't include the supplements and vitamins, I see that I'm still low on the nutrients already pointed out to me: folate, calcium, iron, magnesium. Copper was also on the list, but addition of kale took care of that. All B vitamins boosted with use of nutritional yeast.

Nutrients: what I already eat; + what they recommend
Folate: my avo and zucchini; + avo, mustard green, nut yeast
Calcium: yogurt; + tofu, collard,
Iron: beets; + tofu, spinach, dark chocolate
Magnesium: + zucchini potatoes chicken.

Tofu -- yuck but OK. Tempeh looks good in calcium and iron, folate, and magnesium. So put that in instead of dark chocolate? I think I tolerated it OK. Oh what about natto?!

100 calories of Tofu      Tempeh    Natto
Folate:              6.1%     3.1%        0.9%
Calcium:          26%       5.7%       10%
Iron:                 11.5%    7.7%       23%
Magnesium:     12%      10.3%     13.6%

Sounds like I could alternate them? But look for a tofu option. One block of tofu for $2 looks about 3-4 servings. Put in instead of nuts. Yuck but....find a recipe! Maybe ask BE since he does the vegan Wednesdays, or try the baked tofu recipe I just surfed up.

OK have ideas, off to the week!  (And back to work, my PCR almost done)
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One last update. I still hurt from Tuesday's bike incident. My left hand knuckles are raw but the purple faded. My left elbow bruised, the deltoid and shoulder improved just sore, and my left knee/calf very bruised, scraped, and sore. My neck much improved. Ugh. Nice one tj.

Greens, I should look for a mixed bag or pre-make a batch cuz the daily chop and cook deters me.

Rule 4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday

Rule 4 is compare yourself to who you were yesterday not to someone else is today. You need to have a hierarchy of improvement, you need to be aiming for something and that means you going to be lesser than people who've already attained along that dimension and that can give rise to Envy. So the question is who should you defeat in the final analysis, and the answer is you should defeat your former self. You should be constantly trying to do that and you're the right control for yourself too, because you're the one who's had all your advantages and disadvantages, and so if you want to compete fairly with someone then you should be competing with you. 

And it is the case, this is what we were talking about with regards to the self-improvement of the fighter is, well, if you're improving yourself than what you are doing is competing with your lesser self and then you might also ask, well what is that lesser self? And that lesser self would be resentful and bitter and aggressive and vengeance-seeking, and all of those things that go along with having a negative moral character. And those are things that interfere with your ability to progress as you move forward through life, so it's very necessary to understand that. 

This is why I've been stressing this idea of personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is to compete with yourself, is to be slightly better than yourself the next day, and then better in some way that you can actually manage and that's humility. Well, I'm a flawed person, I've got all my problems, could I be as good as person X? It's not the right question. The right question is, could you be slightly better tomorrow then you're currently flawed self, and the answer to that is - if you have enough humility to set the bar properly low then you could be better tomorrow than you are today. Because what you also have to do is, you have to say, well here's all my flaws and my insufficiencies and the best that someone that flawed and insufficient could do to improve and actually do it, is this. And that's not worth going out in the street and celebrating with placards. 

You know it's why I tell people to clean the room, it's not going to brag to someone that you did that, but that someone is insufficient as you might be able to manage it and that means you actually are on the pathway to self improvement, and you're transcending your former self. You might say, well, what's the right way of being in the world if there is such a thing. And it's not acting according to a set of rules,  it's attempting continually to transcend the flawed thing that you currently are. And what's so interesting about that is that the meaning in life is to be found in that Pursuit. 

And you go after the dragon

On Resentment
If you're resentful about something, it either means you should grow the hell up and accept the responsibility and quit sniveling around and whining, OR it means that someone is actually oppressing you and pushing on you too hard and bullying you and demeaning you and you have something to SAY or DO that you're not saying or doing and no wonder you're not saying or doing it because it can be really dangerous to say things or do them to free yourself from being oppressed. You can get in a lot of trouble in the short term for doing it so it's easier to just not say anything day after day. In the short term you protect yourself but it crushes you"

On expressing the resentment
......you got to tell people what you're thinking, you don't have to assume you're right. That's a whole different story because you're not, you're ignorant and your're biased and you're not right but you can stumble towards your this,  the expression of yourself, and then you can listen to the other person and hope that they tell you some way that you're stupid that's useful, so you could be be a little less stupid in the future, because that wouldn't that be good. And so you go after the unknown you don't protect what you already know you go after what you don't know that's why you have to talk to people you don't agree, with that's why you have to talk to your enemies cuz they're gonna tell you things you don't know. You could even listen to them, its' possible they know a thing or two you don't know. People don't like that, they just talk to people that think the same way, and then they just stay stupid and so that's not good. Because if you're not wise the world will wall up you it'll flatten you and far more then it has to and then you'll; be bitter and resentful and you'll be part of that force that wallops instead of the force that fights against that. And you go after the dragon. 

You have to step forward against it.

Decide what your success is going to be and work hard in that direction- JBP

BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles

Joe Rogan, Jordan B Peterson, and Bret Weinstein this morning. I'm replaying many JBP podcasts, I just love the message. This quote around 1 hour 38 mins in stuck with me.

"Decide what your success is going to be and work hard in that direction"

I could quote JBP all day long here, the idea of taking responsibility, of bearing a burden as a way of finding meaning, of standing up straight with your shoulders back and facing your fears -- all paraphrased and maybe not exactly what he means -- but that's the message I get.

After yesterday's temper tantrum meltdown blowup, I'm in a better frame of mind. And like I was thinking yesterday, I need to face this fear (not sure what it is yet), stand up straight, decide what I'm going to consider 'success', and work hard in that direction.

Today I can articulate better why it's so hard to be told "you can't run". For me being able to run is the proxy way of saying "you are healthy". So if I can't run, that means the Themses think I'm not healthy. Are they right or wrong, I dunno.

But that's what I hear when he says "don't run". I hear, "something is wrong with you".

Nothing is wrong with me. Everything is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me.

So anyway. Back to the quote. Decide what your success is going to be.

Yesterday morning I would have said, my success will be going out for a run. After yesterday's appointment, I've had to rein that in. Actually I would have said, my success will be running the 2020 Hennepin 100. That's still a measure of success for me - it would be a return from the 2017 hip surgery, the 2018 heart attack, and the 2019 hip stress fracture. It would be a return from the 2015 nutrition disaster, the 2014 life stress, and I could keep going back, but at some point I need to look forward.

Success for me, will be running again. Even if a mile. But to run again. Let's just start there.

OK, so, work hard in that direction. What will it take to run again.
---30 days of perfect nutrition
---30 days of no pain and healing
---30 days of movement and mobility and strength building
(30 days, as in, the next Dr L appointment)

OK break that down. No pain and healing will mean NOT RUNNING (even though I'm sure I'll find a few days to jog a bit or test things out a few mins at a time). Movement, mobility, and strength are already "on the calendar" as something I track as a goal. I'm using the hip surgery PT and movements to get started.

Those goals aren't my problem right now. The nutrition is the problem. As of this moment, I'm in a big change for nutrition, and I've been pushing for this change, and yet I'm not changing.

Years and years and ?? how much more of nutrition problems. Like I said yesterday, it's not the moon phase or a date or an event or anything that will bring this change. It's me.

Yesterday I'm told I need 30 days of perfect  nutrition, and within minutes I decide to have a bar of dark chocolate for lunch. That's not a lunch. That's a stress response, I'll concede that point. And one error is not a ruin for 30 days. But it's an example of the conflict in my head.

Instead of embracing the need to change, accepting the motivation for 30 days, I fight against it.

I'm told I should eat dairy for my bones, and I decide I hate yogurt because "I should eat it" and I'm not eating it because I want to but only because I'm supposed to.
I'm told egg yolks aren't good for my cholesterol, and I decide to eat 1 a day anyway but I hate the egg yolk for it.
I'm told to eat more, so I do to the point of feeling sick, and win nothing for it.

Jen McD suggested that I just accept that there are some things I should eat because they are good for me. Instead of fighting the extrinsic motivations, make them my own intrinsic motivations.

OK. So. What will I define as success, regarding 30 days of perfect nutrition? Think on that.

I can't run so I biked until I bled and I feel better for it

COMMUTE 2 miles, to from Fo Pa
BIKE 70 mins and 17.9 miles

Felt "off" all morning, I slept in and the time change and the fact that it was dark and raining in the morning, and the appt with Dr L and the fact that I didn't feel like swimming or walking or biking or anything.

Mental case.

So I did walk the dog and leave to run appt to the vet and the library. Happily I resisted a halloween treat from the vet, so tempting but silly to log that in my nutrition log, now that I have accountability there. How would I justify that? While waiting for the library to open I got my walk in around the Hampton neighborhood, only 25 mins but listening to Jordan Peterson with Joe Rogan was great. Then with some extra time got milk for my kefir and more eggs since I ate the rest of my hard boiled ones with brekkie. I got some dark chocolate as recommended by the nutritionist. This seems silly to mention but it does come back to the story later.

I'm happy bouncing into Dr L, hoping I can run but having a weird feeling about it. He asks about my load -- what I've been doing and I say walking and just tested some biking, no bone pain just the hip flexor-area pain. He asks if I'm looking into the metabolic issues (he'd made that recommendation in my last appointment) and I said I'm working with Jen McD. Said I'd only met with her last week, not really into big changes yet, but she pointed out some deficiencies. He said this was good, that I have some "inflammation" somewhere causing problems (I put that in quotes because that's such a buzz word thrown around and it's so different from what I see as inflammation at work and it seems like such a meaninglessly used word nowadays for something "bad") and I need to get that worked out. He works on my hip, quads, etc, everything does feel better and the pain from the pressure actually felt good.

At the end I ask, can I run again. Answer was no. FUCK. He said things need to get to where there's no pain, to where when I do run again I don't start damaging things because the muscles can't hold up. He'd like to see 30 days of perfect nutrition between now and the next appointment, then decided.

By this time, my head is spinning. I hear what he's saying, I say it's motivation, I act OK, I talk to Debbie on the way out, but all I hear is a drowning buzz of panic. At the truck I check my phone find the results from Dr McC posted, those aren't good either. The buzz grows, in surrounds, it's all I can do to not scream and cry out and punch something. But I act OK and drive off.

And in a moment of stress I grab for the chocolate bar, it's in my meal plan I figure so why not. I was told to "eat more dark chocolate" but I don't think they meant like this, haha!  I drive back to campus and most of the bar is gone, some in me and more out the window and I got tired of it. Then in a moment of self punishment I threw away and ate  and M the rest of the other bar. Self punishment in that it made me feel sick afterwards. The rest to the garbage. Self punishment in that now I wont' be hungry for my real meal of salmon and blue-cheese olives, the real food I'm supposed to be eating in this 30 days of perfect nutrition.

5 minutes into my 30 days and I self sabotage it. Now I'm really extra sick to my stomach. I bike into work up the hill and my coworker could see the stress. I'm pacing in the lab. Back and forth and fretting and sick and buzzing and panicked. Decided to start my PCR then go for a bike ride. PCR then Tool in my ears and out, the goal three loops.

I wanted 3 loops hard. I wanted to feel my heart pound and threaten another heart attack and I wanted to dance with the chance that I'd have another and I wanted to feel it crack open. Then I'd have a REAL reason that I couldn't run, not this fake reason about being deficient in copper folate iron and calcium because that's such fake fuckery and it's not the reason why that's just what they say.

I'm in a whirl of emotions. First loop is just the opening act and I'm loving the sunshine and the sound of blood competing with Fear Inoculum in my brain and I'm waiting for some hurt -- heart or otherwise -- and some reason to stop but I can't and no hill or headwind or heart attack can.

Finally in the second loop I get what I needed. I went down in a turn on some gravel. I wasn't going fast, I didn't try to go down but I needed it and enjoyed it and got back up in a second and took off again knowing that in the 3rd loop I'd take that turn to the Victorian bridge just as fast and just as stupid and just as dumb as before as if to prove I could. I don't hurt, I don't feel anything.

I'm not trying hard enough. I tell myself that when the moon changes and when my birthday comes and when the moon changes again things will change but they won't. They won't change until I do.

I feel like control is taken from me by all these doctors with their diagnoses and meds and tests and results and mandates. But why do I fight it when I could embrace the changes and advices and what they say and take control back from them by making those changes my end goal and instead of fighting what they say I could fight the issues instead. Don't be mad that Dr L says I can't run, but be mad that I make lunch a chocolate bar. Don't put energy out uselessly in a manic stress frenzy but sit back and flow chart your way into good decisions. There's nothing wrong with the chocolate bar, it's HOW I ate the chocolate bar in a way of saying FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU  I'm going to do what I want within the bounds I have they said I could eat chocolate so I will and besides who binges on salmon and olives?

But I don't gain anything from it. Here I sit typing like crazy to think this through while my left hand bleeds at the knuckle, my elbow tingles from whatever damages I did to it, and my left knee swells and bleeds through my torn black yoga pants. I needed that. I didn't need it. I'm going to run anyway. I'm going to be perfect the next 30 days. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Think and come back to it. See if your PCR worked. Check the mice. Get something to drink. Take a breath.
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OK I took a 1 minute breath. Not what I meant to do. I can't stop thinking. My heart still beating from the bike ride, my hands still shaking. I still hear that buzz.

When I walk my left hip hurts, the pubic bone, but I know that's in my head.
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I want something. But I don't know what.
I want to escape, from what I don't know.
I want to go somewhere else, but there's place I want to be.
I want out. I want more. I want less.

I think I just need a nap, haha!!

Come back to this later. Right now just get calm.

I got a plan

BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles fuck yeah

I have a plan. No surprise, right? In fact, I have THREE plans to pick from.

A triathlon plan! (And an ultra marathon plan for the 2020 Hennepin, but that's a separate issue) (oh, and as per my plan for that, it starts THIS WEEK) (tomorrow to be specific, hahahahaha, paging Dr L....)

Ok what was I saying? Oh yeah, I have a plan. A sprint tri, a beginner's olympic, and an intermediate olympic. The sprint tri is 8 weeks, would get me through to the new year. The others are 12 week. I don't see much difference between the two oly plans, they seem similar.

So I picked the sprint tri as a place to just get started. I am kinda starting over as it regards to triathlons. I mean, I haven't seen the pool since....February?

The first workout is a swim. Today, if I'm following the schedule. It's about 4:30pm and I didn't make it to the pool. Yet?

Am I serious about this?

Weekend working and WALK/JOG!!

Saturday BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Sunday WALK/JOG 3.37 total, 0.67 miles 'run'

Sure feels good to be biking :)  Not so good to be cold, but I'll adapt.

Worked all weekend, of course. But got lots done.
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Yesterday (Saturday) I received via email the first feedback from the nutritionist. Some nutrients of concern and suggested foods: folate, iron, copper, and calcium. Recommended to include more dark chocolate, greens, tofu if tolerated, fish, and a few more.

Included were two example days incorporating the foods from my "tolerate" list, and added in nuts, more chocolate, greens. I tried some dark chocolate covered ginger (they was yuck) and some dark chocolate-covered gran marnier (LA) pecans (yum but too yum, ugh), so I'm opting instead for baking cocoa for the nutrients, it's good in yogurt.

I lack imagination and motivation to plan more so I'm just going to alternate the 2 example days sent to me. I'm doing the potato starch (1/2 t/day right now) and started the probiotics yesterday. My appetite is almost nothing, not sure why.
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BIG NEWS! During a gel run (haha, no pun intended) I went for a walk/jog in FoPa. I did 5' walk and 1' jog, 6 times for the totals above. The pace was around 9-10m/m, cadence low in the 160's. But that's not the point! I RAN HOLY SHIT IT FELT GREAT!

I see Dr L on Tuesday, and I get to say 'no pain' and it's true, no pain in the bone. But the soft tissues in both hips have been bothersome, before the running and biking. This has been going on a while now. Hip flexors? Not sure, I'll ask.

Damn it felt good. More please!