A half century and a reunion - Start now!

I'm 267 days or 38 weeks from my 50th birthday.
I'm 214 days or 30 weeks from the start of September. 

It seems like a joke, but don't they say that reunions and big life events are the common impetuses for people to get on track and finally "lose the weight". 

I tried...what did I try, I got distracted...

I tried to find meal plan apps. Found a scam 'menopausal meal plan/health' app. 
Found Noom. 

In other words, I didn't find the answer I'm looking. 
I listened, purely by coincidence, to the U2 song yesterday about that. Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. The first IM Songlist addition for 2025?

What am I looking for? 

In the meantime, recipes with few ingredient books from the library, an agreement with LA that we do need to sit down for meals, so changes ahead. 

I'll start today. No, I'll start today. Eh, maybe today.

The 29th was the Lunar New Year and a New Moon. I'll start then. 

The 30th was a travel day, I usually follow better those days. I'll start then. 
The 31st is a post travel day, LA's bday, but a hotel day. Start then?
Then it's the 1st! First! Start then? 

A few days ago, I realize I've already started. Weeks ago, and the process is ongoing. 
So what am I wanting to start? 

Some things changed...

... but as expected somethings didn't change. Like, you know, The Issue. 

I'm working out maybe 30-45 mins a day, I miss it! At the end of the day though, I wonder how did I fit that in?! The last 1.5 weeks have been hard, we're under a lot of stress. 

We're out of town this weekend, the second in a row with travel. Then a break. Then two more weeks. 
We can do this. One day at a time. 

I make the mistake of thinking that Things Will Change. Life will get easier. More time will appear. But day after day, the same thing. Tired, out of time. The day runs short. So do tempers. So does free time. 

Painting? Not in the last few days? Why not? Meal prep, long days, Moria.
Workouts? As I can, where did the time go?

So my goals for February include trying to find a way to batch jobs, meal plan, set aside time, etc. Maybe a bit more long-range than my usual plan today and maybe tomorrow? 

If I can plan to do 2 45 mins exercises a day, I can plan - firmly plan - to do other things? Like art? Husband time?

Seriously, where does the time go!?

Moria. Meal prep. 

75Hard is changing

 I'd like to have a 75Hard that focuses on what I need. I like the model, I have the app, I'm not ready (?) for a real one yet because I need to work on post_M lingering issues. 

45 mins workout                    45 mins as 15 art, 15 russian, 15 art throughout the day
45 mins workout outdoors     45 mins of quality workout, not just walking 
Progress picture                      1 line about progress that day in journal
10 pages of reading                Same
1 gallon of water                    Same
Follow a diet                          Follow BLE: 8-8, 3 meals, seated, one snack is OK
No cheat meals                       No stupid shit like mug meals, standing randoms, regrets, STUFFED &                                                 SICK, ETA no measuring spoon utentils

I kept the first 5 for 115-118 days before it fell apart. Numerous restarts, all on the last two. Those two are the ones I need to work on now. 

I struggled with those two before because they were (to me) open to bending and interpretation and change. Don't fall for that here too. 

BLE means NoS, NoF, 3 meals, measured. Simple as that. Plan ahead and stick to it.
No cheat meals means don't make yourself sick being so full of food and regret. Go to bed with Progress

Well I said things had to change...

... and they did. 

Yesterday I did 30 mins pilates and a 15 min lunch walk. That's it.

Today... nothing yet.

I don't mind that I'm missing 2x 45 mins. Or 1x 45 mins. But to get nothing...

Today another tough conversation as he suddenly is awake at 5am with me and I don't realize that's up for the purpose of sex. So I go about my morning, letting him sleep in. This caused issues. I hope the issues are resolved now. 

And I rushed out the door this morning after having made plans last night for him to WFH and we go in bit late. At 5am I asked what the morning plans were to confirm and he said "I don't know". Well, then at 7am it's a RUSH because he has to leave. I adjust and rush, and ask that'd he'd do the same for me. 

Solutions? Well for now, it's sex

 LA came back from Cape G last night in a mood, tired frustrated (with me), saying house is too big we don't need it; I need to find a different job that gives me holidays; he wants to retire tomorrow from everything, more. He comes home in this mood and isn't talking or wanting to interact. He goes to bed. 

I have more to do, clean up, pack, 20 mins left of a walk, dog, etc. I go to bed early too, being with him in bed is really what I want more of, so here's my chance. We end up in a conversation, needed, and hopefully helpful. Another conversation this morning, my notes will blend. He wants more sex. Everyday. He wants sex in the morning and in the evening and 2-3 times a day. It's evolutionary, men need sex every morning and some science experiment proved this, uh huh. And he'd be happier with just sex, something to fuck. 

He also said the happiest time in his life was when he was single and on the outer banks. I asked who he fucked, no one, but he was still happy? 
And lesbians have a higher divorce rate because it's two women, and women complicate things. Uh huh.

I said I wanted to be valued as more than "titties ass and pussy", more than just "how many holes do you have to fuck". Actual words he used. I want to feel  be trusted and valued and have my wants desired. He was argumentative on this, and he accuses me of being argumentative?

I'm sure he could write the exact same thing, that I was the argumentative one today. 

I doubt he'd write it. Women complicate things. I'm a woman, he's not. So he's not about to be so introspective about this. 

So this morning, as per his want, I cut short my 45 mins to 30 and came upstairs to get naked. 

As not per his want, I needed to talk. He argued with me. He just wants sex. More sex. 

Then he will be happy? Or is this just a stress response dopamine thing? I know about those, I went through that in 2019 - needing escape and relief. I say that Sex is better than Monster and Balrog!

So, reducing the morning workout to 30 mins to give extra 15 minutes to Us. 

A solution for today. And one day at a time. 

Solutions for problems. And another problem I forgot to mention in last post.

I realized this morning, reviewing my weekend, that I lost so much time to Moria. And Reddit. This weekend, my stress was in Moria, and Moria took hours from me. 

No, I GAVE my time to Moria, and that needs to stop. It's the last (?) of the Monster to kill. 

Gawd so much to think and think on. I could talk here all day. 

See I think I'm being flexible by sleeping in and waiting for everyone to wake up too, instead of saying "well it's X o'clock I'm going for a walk". I think I'm being flexible by waiting on what I want to do so I can work on clay or sewing or chat. I think I'm being flexible by helping them fix meals, letting them make a bit of mess knowing I'll have to clean it up. I think I'm being flexibly by taking time off from my schedule to help LA drive and visit. This is what I think.

LA thinks I'm inflexible and can't change and can't task-switch. All things he said this weekend. 

He also said last week he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't trust me (bank card). And something else I've already forgotten in the mess of the weekend. 

Problems. Solution? 

Moria - I want to do art and Russian and have more time, but my extra goes to Moria. I could have painted with Slava, but Moria. I could have brushed the dog, but Moria. I could have read a book, but Moria. Today - could have chatted with slava, but Moria. Really I do think too that fixing this would take so much stress off me that I could better accommodate all else. Think on this a lot today, please. 

My PTO and protected time - I feel like my time isn't respected. I don't see LA taking time off from work for what I want to do. I don't see him putting aside his gun time to help with chores. I don't see him blah blah blah. I don't see it, I don't look, and/or I don't recognize it? This doesn't help us!

I feel like he'll fuck around until I'm late. I need to be at work, and it's like a bother to him, like I'm not giving him enough time. (See Moria too for this). Going to visit family? He's in the bathroom and I'm waiting. Going to errands, same. Appointment, same. Going for a walk, same. Really, it's the waiting. And really more it's the waiting goes to Moria. 

This isn't a he problem. This is a me problem. Me and Moria.  

I want to have dinner together, but I give to Moria then we're both alone.
I wanted to chat this morning, but the stress of him doubting my PTO schedule (he didn't believe me and insisted on reading it for himself) sent me out to Moria to get away. 
I wanted to enjoy a meal with them this weekend, but Moria was already too much and ...Ugh. 

This is a Me problem, but it's impacting us. 

Does getting out of Moria solve everything else? Probably not, but at least my stress wouldn't already be tight and my schedule already tight and the anxiety about loss of time and loss of respect and loss of trust. Ugh, keep thinking. 

Mug meal restart. It's working for me? It's not working for us. And I GIVE Moria my time.

Lots to say, fast, not much time. 

First off, Saturday was stressful. Friday was stress enough, hurryhurryhurry at work so we can leave on time, hurryx3 from work to get home to get there on time. Then Sit And Wait for 7-8 hours. Home late. Bed late. Sleep in. 

Saturday morning I didn't fully get up until 845ish. I want to walk, but Slava is awake doing homework, Arlette I was supposed to wake at 830 so now she's up. I'm visiting with them feeling guilty that I'd leave them alone to go for a walk. We're sitting in the art room talking. By 1030 I'm seeing my morning slip by. By 11 I decide to go. I tell Lev, who says "wait I want to go with you". Hey I'd rather walk with him, so I wait. But he's just getting out of bed, but I wait. Wait, Wait, Wait. He's in the bathroom, bedroom, 1040 I'm ready to just go and I walk the dog first to give a few more minutes. I come back to the house to find him ready and in a Go Rush because he wants to walk in Cedar Hill. No, he wants to go fishing. I was told it was too cold for fishing a day or so ago. Now it's fishing. I just want to walk, the anxiety has been building I'm waiting around dressed to go and waiting and it's creating anxiety. I don't want to fish. I want to walk. I'm disappointed that I could have just walked at 11 and been done. 

What really bothered my about this? The built-up anxiety, the loss of time. I only get these weekends to walk in the sun and relax and paint and get the house in order. During the week, we don't get to so easily. 

I distinctly didn't like that all the sudden plans change because "Anton just texted me 5 mins ago". I wanted them to fish, I'll walk then do errands then we're all home for the afternoon. I realize that 45 mins is a short visit to fish and agree to walk the 90 mins there. I feel better by the end. Walk is done. The energy is soothed. I'm still getting shit from him about it. 

Aldi, library, but no Michaels because "I didn't know about Michael's and I can't plan what I don't know". Oh, the irony. Neither can I plan when I didn't know we were going fishing all the sudden. (and to be fair, typing this I see that he didn't know either). Home, it's later than I wanted, groceries away, they go to range, and while he's at range I finish the 3 loads of wash, wash dog, clean bath floor and shower, get my shower, make the beds and fold clothes, and start meal prep. He gets to go to range, visit with his friend. I get to have my plans for a quiet walk and art time disrupted. That's so binary, and unfair. He probably didn't get to do everything he wanted to do either, but he didn't bitch about it like I did. 

We wanted to smoke a turkey today. But the rush out the door, no one mentioned a turkey. He says he told me to do it, I honest to god didn't hear that. And they why couldn't we wait before going to fish to do the turkey? He didn't mention it again? He didn't ask about it as we're walking out? Then I get shit because now he has to stay up late for the turkey, like 9 or 10oclock. The final irony on this -- I STAY UP LATE TO FINISH THE TURKEY WHILE HE PLAYS WITH GUNS. 

And since WHEN is it a problem for him to stay up late eating?!?

And he wants to do jerk chicken. Fine. He tells me to start the marinade, I say I'd like him to help. He walks away. I wait. He goes off. Goes to the bathroom, before going in asks about chicken. I said I'd help him do it. I wait. He comes out, upset that the chicken isn't done. Buddy, where and how do you get the idea that you can just order me around to do the shit you want done while you watch your phone in the bathroom? Really? Seriously. We do the chicken, and he leaves. See above for all the housework I did while he was out having fun. 

Sunday. Same shit, he sleeps in and again he wants to walk and we do and try to talk about this. I don't even remember the walk; I think we went to the church. He got to go to the range again. I started to prepare a dinner for them to come back to but fuck that, they want dinner they can fix it. 

Then Lev tries to get Arlette to make the cake for him. I stay out of it, he'd promised and said he'd make the cake with her. She waits. He wants cake. She waits. I suggest that she start pulling out ingredients. Prehead the oven, she does, and she holds the line and waits. This seemed to bother him.

By now, the weekend is over. The car and truck weren't cleaned but all else mostly done. I'm mentally wiped, I'm stressed, stress eating, overeating, full, sick, unhappy. This last part is my fault, no one else, but it tells me I'm not managing my stress or time well. 

Then today Monday. Even though honest to god I told him - I have to work Monday - he's pissed that I'm working Monday and pissed that he didn't know. What else do I have to do to get my schedule across to him? I do so much to pay attention to his, my schedule is often dictated by his, kids, reserves, work, etc, my PTO goes to his schedule, my family waits while I see his family. I resent it, try as I do to not be resentful, I'm resenting it. For years now. 

My first response is to think to him, well you chose this life of kids and army and med school. But that's not fair. I think, maybe instead of telling me how awful your ex was and how you still had kids with her, maybe not have kids with her. But that's not fair either, and besides too late. 

I chose to marry a guy with kids. I'm doing so much to make it work. But it's not working. I'm not at my limit, but I need to change this, it's not working for me or us. 

So I got the frustration out, but not the solution. 

_____________________________________________

After Saturday, I had to restart. I didn't even realize until Sunday morning -- I was having back to back mug meals. FAIL. 

Potato restart?

 This would be the 2nd restart due to potatoes, a few days ago (6 I think) it was chips. This time an after-8 made potatoes for Lev then I ate them type of fail. I felt sick afterwards. 

I haven't hit the restart switch yet, but I'm itching to. Do I like restarting or something? Am I so set on a "perfect" run that I'm willing to keep going back to day 1? Is this like the Monster habit of desiring to open something new? 

75 Days from today is April 2nd. 
I'm holding to the 108 Days of April 30th as still an overall goal. 

Yesterday we came home relatively early around 6pm, I stood in the kitchen still with my coat on eating turkey broccoli potato (craving the mustard and siracha). I wasn't really hungry, but I was in habit and in waiting, LA wanted to walk. But he's busy - not ready to walk, opening mail, etc. I end up eating a standing random M3. Walk. Anxious in walk about getting back after 8pm, because yesterday I managed to STOP as my walk ended at 8pm and nailed it, but today I didn't have my "fat" yet. Home to coconut milk with pumpkin and applesauce, then blueberries, neuf cheese, then coconut oil potatoes. FULL. So stupid full. I was there in kitchen until 925 ish, still anxious, and regretting. 

Sounds like a reset to me - total fail of goals. 

Restart. 

Reviewing a year ago - 1 year NoS, NoF

It was 18 fucking degrees out this morning so the walk with hill runs I'd planned turned into indoor yoga. Fucking hell, it will be high of 44 today, run then! With LA!

Late to work because I stopped to eat turkey, off plan, un measured, but I get so H during the day and that causes anxiety. I can log what I had, it was practically the planned dinner. So I'm OK. 

I just finished re-reading last year's posts, wow lots of problems and pain. Happily 1370 to about 1316. Unhappily the same problems. In one pre-post I listed all the noms, I could do the same for last night. A litany of noms, random, standing, unlogged, unmeasured. 

Unchanged. 

Stop this shit and change. 

It's already 30 degrees out. Sunny and nice! 

Day 4. Last night coulda shoulda been a restart? 

Breakaway Fail. Breakaway Again. Full Moon. 1 year NoS, NoF

My recent post about the Breakaway 10 Year Anniversary, turned out to be a fail day. Potato chips, twice, after 8pm. Anxiety about it, until I reset the app.

So I moved it to Saturday, my new Day 1. It was a Saturday that I restarted 10 years ago, so does it count?

Good so far, today being Day 3. We survived the snowstorm, also the day I failed and conveyor belted my way into a restart. 

1 year of NoS, NoF is tomorrow!!! No Rewards but think ahead to maybe a year from now being able to day - 1 year of Hard!

 What would that mean? Not a full year of full-on 75Hard Living, but rather a full year of not getting sick, not being too full, not being so distracted and unsatisfied, a year of having 3 M's and sitting and enjoying. A year of no regret. 

Ten years - Breakaway Bee

Is the 9th the Breakaway Day, or is the 10th? That day or the next morning? Does it matter. Still 10 years. 

And what a decade. Everything has changed. As much as I'd love to analyze and rethink, it really is all about the final changes I need to make am making and closing the gaps up on the meals thing. Everything else is so much more in order. Changed and in a good way. 

But the meals. The planning, thinking, thinking, thinking. So much mental energy still going here. Heck, my to do list for today is Meal Planning for next week. Morning, noon, night, and all in between. The thoughts are there. Is it getting better? 

Will I be back in another 10 years and say "gosh I still really need to make a change on this"? Gawd, I hope not. 

108 hard Week 1

 Saturday January 6th, 2025

108 hard Day 8

I'm changing this one to be a weekly summary. All good last week, but a rough one. My legs were swollen (water or ...?) and nothing seemed to fit. The post-holiday weight gain? Can't deny it, I was eating more. Potatoes, sweet potatoes, cheese at my sis, noms of cottage cheese, more more more. 

So while the first 7 days weren't perfect, I'm learning. Don't buy cottage cheese. Don't buy yummy low fat mayo. Don't buy baking cocoa. Pre-aliquot the yogurt. Prepack M3. Walk away from a bad choice because that's your last chance to be away from it. 

For this week, M3 fully prepacked except putting into a soup bowl and adding soup. M1 is premade I just measure and assemble. M2 prechopped and premeasured. 

Workouts all great, and getting the 3+ Fitness+ sessions. Which reminds me again to sign up for the yearly pass. Twice a day art going great. Reading more books, great. Water, love it. 

Something for Lev is going good. Something for Nova is undefined, but minor. 

Photo. Read. 45 mins. 45 mins. Gallon. Golden.

Meals. Jeezus fucking christ that's the theme of this blog. Solving the meal problem. Given a chance I'll blow it up. 

Last week was c-top turkey overfills. Multiple times sick feeling or way too full. 
So the goal this week is simple - follow the meal plan, 3 meals, 8a-8p, and under 1500.

Yesterday - so far so good but a squeak over 1500. And a bit after 8p. And 4-5 meals. 
Why do I say yesterday was good?!

108 Hard Day 4 Jan 2nd

 Thursday January 2nd, 2025

108 hard, Day 4

 -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. 2 whites with mayo, 2 slices of turkey

2. oats - it's supposed going to be 800 as planned

3. soup with veg and turkey + extra turkey, grapes, prune, cottage cheese

-2 45' workouts

1. 20' min run that had maybe 5 mins hill walk, then walk

2. 45' walk, brisk

-Something for 

1. Lev am, he leaves today for MO :(

2. Nova - take her on your walk

-2 15' art

1. Print out the patterns needed for projects

2. Cut glass for the cockus

-What I read 

Finished the Noah chapter, loved it!

-Summary of the Day

All great until I get to Moria and You Shall Not Pass. I'm stuck, all my own fault. And I'm full and my 800 plans are shot. 

-Focus for tomorrow

Do an 800 tomorrow, and really prepack M3, not just say you're going to do it, or think that you'll be OK, or any other bullshit excuse you used today. 

108 Hard Day 3 Jan 1st

 Wednesday January 1st, 2025

108 Hard Day 3

 -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. late noon M1 oats

2. then MORE at noon turkey veg NOM NOM and felt sick. 1000+

3. soup and veg and more standing turkey. Still not waiting

-2 45' workouts

1. Fitness+ upper and core

2. Whites Creek trail with LA and Nova

-Something for 

1. Lev am fun

2. Nova park walk, she loved it!

-2 15' art

1. SG project inventory

2. new paper and colors, urban style of mausoleum

-What I read 

JPB still in Noah

-Summary of the Day

I wanted to "take advantage" of the late M1, but then blew it the fuck up by eating M2+ at the same time. No excuse, stupid, and was almost throwing up after drinking water and on the walk. 

-Focus for tomorrow

Fix M3 you whiney shit