Summer begins!!

Friday Travel day
Saturday RUN 2.1 miles with LA and kids at home
Sunday Travel day
Monday Memorial Day RUN 2.3 miles with LA and Sl bike, then BIKE 4.2 miles all of us

I worked half a day Friday then we drove to the meet up in Chenoa. My steps count started to fall off starting here! It's hard to get steps with travel. Stayed the night at my parents. 

Saturday we got us and all but Ar joined for a walk/run up the road. That night we stayed at my sister's for a late night of water pistols and Mad Libs. Only a brief issue for me, when I held to my decision to not ride horses, and subsequent anxiety for sticking to my decision, but only after I momentarily agreed and LA paid for my horse. Mild anxiety attack - chest pressure, nausea, stomach upset. This contributed to my upset stomach (did I get glutened or corned?) the rest of the weekend. 

Sunday travel to Michigan and a late evening walk. Then some multisport stuff on Memorial Day!

I keep thinking about starting a marathon training plan. I intend to get on a schedule where I go to the gym and/or train at 5am, then be home to be with LA when he wakes up later. And/or, go to the gym during their phone call in the evening. 

New Moon on Monday, and No M on Monday, another Day 1. 

Emotionally disconnected

 Some biking, some commuting, no running since Sunday

While that sounds terrible, I’m noticing that my balance, flexibility, and range of motion are improving!?

I’ve been into different podcasts lately and after long thinking and listening I’m l Learning that the monster is a coping skill to bury emotions. Over the years it turned into a way for me to bury what I’m feeling and not have to deal with it. Looking back I can remember the first time doing it when I was in my late teens maybe early 20s. What was going on been in my life that would lead me to start doing this?

Dads heart surgery? First boyfriend? Moving to college? I can remember when food became good or bad. I can remember changing what we ate. I can remember the stress of sexual pressure, and change, and it’s all irrelevant now I guess. 

Because here I am in 2022 trying to fix the same problem I can remember back in 199?  1997 in Roseville. In kitchen with garbage can. In college of Natural Sciences building. 

All in the past. But then there’s 2014 garage. Blue bowl and spoon. Lara and jelly. 2015? soft mints. Moria at Wyoming. Moria in Soulard. Moria in Michigan. 

This will continue and nothing will change, until something changes. 

I swore change a year ago, pre ankle surgery. I swore change when LA moved. I swore change after the dog bite. I swore change after hip surgery. I swore change sitting in my truck in Kansas. 

Moons, haircuts, jewelry, rain clouds, wedding. 

Here I am again. Swearing to change. But today I learned more about why - the coping skills. The addiction. The mental and physical reasons for the addiction. If that’s what I can call it? Previously I called it a habit. No. It’s an addiction. 

It takes my thought and time, planning and preparation, want and waste, money and motivation. Justifications, loopholes, reasons, excuses. 

I’ve noted here numerous times that I feel flat, disconnected, depressed. I think now there’s a possibility that I don’t connect with my emotions and I instead bury them. There are times they blow out unexpectedly, a crying and a feeling of being crumpled like paper. I collapse inward under stress. I cry at little things. I’m overwhelmed easily. 

How do I emotionally reconnect? I plan to try sitting two minutes upon coming home and meals. FIked that today, but I rushed all over today. But NO MONSTER! 

Keep learning. And keep loving. 

Free weekend

Friday long day at work, not even commute
Saturday nothing?! Not even the gym which was my goal
Sunday RUN 5 miles with LA in 60 mins
      BIKE 4.4 miles with LA and his new road bike

And I haven't even looked at these numbers yet:
NUMERICS
BIKE 4.4 miles
RUN  11.6 miles
COMMUTE 14.5 miles

It's depressing and good at the same time. I'm transitioning away from the hours and miles I used to be able to do and still expect to be able to do, into what I'm able to do given time available.

All we have to decide, it what to do with the time given us.

Yeah, well too much of my time is in Moria this weekend, I sadly realized that in frustration Saturday of waiting an hour to get a shower while LA was cleaning the garage and in the bathroom I was in Moria. Waiting. Hungry. Full. Frustrated.

Sunday more M. The clock restarted. Again. 

Soon it's one year out of surgery, the same day the kids come here. This has gotta change.

I'm looking at my activity as Movement. Fitness. Motion. Not Training. 

I ran without watching the distance

Thursday RUN 1.23 miles with LA then 3.40 miles on my own
       COMMUTE 7.5 miles

I did the two runs and didn't look up the mileages until later that night, around 8pm! That's new, usually I'm mapping the numbers as I'm running.

The first run was squeezed into the time he had available before work. We did two Fartleks and my garmin showed a max speed of 3:22 m/m! That's peak speed but really it was more like a 4-something m/m. I felt like I could fall at any moment, my legs felt out of control. More like that please!

The second run was left as a "if you want to" thing, and after a few minutes I wanted to! So I did, the high school loop, not looking at the garmin and not rounding up and not caring. Heck, I don't even know my accumulated time.

No M lately, and I'm feeling good about things. I'm relaxing, getting mindful, and being careful to not overschedule.

The devil he knows my name: Embrace Discomfort

Tuesday RUN 2 miles in about 21 mins with LA
      COMMUTE in to work, home? ETA: 

We got up early today to run before the Ruben call. I'm half thinking I could work with him to sort my shit out? I'll see. I don't know. Good run, CHILLY! LA tired and walked a few times.

Last night bought choc chips and PB for lunches and recipes, and no M at the house. Day 2. But overate, overdrank water, and ugh it hurt later. 

Coach replied to my email and recommended a book, I haven't looked at it yet. He said we're all a work in progress, and I should focus on the gains and not the gaps. He also sent to the email group a Monday Motivation email that I need to get into my head, about the feeling of loss of control, edited down and specific to me: 

Hey Tracy!

Feel Like You're Spiraling Out of Control?

You just feel like no matter what you do, you cannot stay on track.

You can’t do anything consistently and it feels like you have zero self-control.

You keep slipping back into old habits no matter how badly you want to change.

You made a commitment so you tell yourself, “Nope. Not going there."

But then you find yourself in the same old Moria again and again. 

This is what feeling out of control can look and feel like.

This is not unusual, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and it definitely doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It just means you have some work to do to get your control back.

The truth is, you are always in control, it just FEELS like you’re not.

You slip back into old habits because they are comfortable and familiar and easy.

You veer off course because staying on course is uncomfortable and unfamiliar…at least for a while.

You’ve developed a lot of automatic behaviors over the years and changing them requires some work.

The important thing to remember is that it’s not really about being in control or not, it’s more about your willingness to embrace the discomfort of change. 

It’s about recognizing when your brain is trying to keep you safe and comfortable, even if it’s to your detriment.

Eclipse

NOTHINGNESS

We had a weekend in Missouri, and nothing happened training-wise. I'm lucky if I got a decent number of steps in on any of the days. But we're back, it's Monday, and I don't have a plan for the week yet. 

I don't much planned actually, except to springboard off the eclipse and get back to my food goals which have slipped in the last few weeks.  He was in the hotel with me and the kids this weekend. M, like Earl in the song, needs to die.

So once again I'm recommitting, and instead of focusing on food and training I'll just focus on the one. I'll enjoy fitness for now. But I'll admit to thinking about either Hennepin 50K or AA26.2 in October. 

I watched the moon slip into shadow at 11:29 ET from my parent's house. I didn't stay up to watch it come back out. 1129. Good number!

I will not tolerate you

You lie
Cheat and steal
How can I tolerate you?

I will not tolerate you
I will go down beside you
I must go down beside you

No one is innocent 

On my walk last night, on my run this morning, more than I could count - I wished I could start over again with Coach Patrick and experience the changes in my current headspace.

I think I failed with him, I failed to disclose the problems and I failed to address them head-on. Some problems weren't his to deal with. But the progress I made physically has been lost and I want to go back. 

Lost doesn't have to be lost forever, I can still make the changes. I analyzed the changes and looked for correlations. Net and carbs haven't changed, well carbs are slightly up, but they didn't correlate. And besides I know I'm lying about the net anyway. But what the net doesn't reflect is the benefit of the running, and that did correlate. As the mileage went up, the weight went down. 

Then M came back, right around when I stopped running so much. And together - the up and the down - culminated into a gain of loss, so to speak. 

Going back to the beginning. I spent a week observing, then seeing what doesn't work and what needs to change. 

I need to stop it with M. First and foremost and that if nothing else. I need to get fucking honest, quit lying to myself. Do morning thought-dumps. And set goals so as to learn to trust yourself. 

I know I need to fix dinner meals, it's a mess. It's most of the mess, actually. 

4 miles, commute, new garmin for LA!

RUN 4.5 miles with LA, 55 mins

COMMUTE 7.5 miles

LA got his new garmin and we ran 4.44 miles in 55:55 minutes. If the pace would have been one second less, it would have been at 12:34 m/m. Cool!

He lamented his slow pace, saying that the Ranger Standard is 5 miles in 40 minutes. I reminded myself that the St Patricks Day 5 miler in STL was 2008, and I can't compare myself to that now.

He asked if I was going to run a marathon, I said I'm not mentally ready yet. He asked about a half marathon, I have the same answer. I mentioned the Dexter to AA on June 5th, but work and kids make it a wild card. We'll have to see. And I mentioned Hennepin, the 50K option and he said he'd walk it with me. Like in the old days, haha.

Last night I tried to say that dinner was going to be after phone call, but then I made an exception for vegetables. Then I ate too many veg, too much water, and too much salmon. The rest of the evening, during our long rambling walk and into bed, my stomach was bloated and stuffed. I woke up this morning to a T=5.5-6. 

After salmon, M came for the nuts and butter. They gone. When is he gone? 

You Lie
Cheat and steal!
How can I tolerate you?
You lie
Cheat and steal!
You lie
Cheat and steal!
You lie
Cheat and steal!
I cannot tolerate
Our guilt
Our blame
I've been
Far too sympathetic

Two miles and a commute, and later a monster

RUN 2 miles in 22 mins with LA
COMMUTE 7-something-ish, I think 7.6 miles

A few things in my head. This morning was great - we got up and moved at 6am, had our time together then a run shower out the door and I had from 8:06 to 8:30 to get ahead on chores. NICE! 

I found a 24 week triathlon training plan and discovered that if I started on the day I found it, I would end on my birthday! But I haven't been able to really start it yet. Excuses.

I sent an update to Coach Patrick yesterday, an extremely shortened version, and I might post one or both of the versions here. It's very personal, not meant for other eyes. But who else is ever going to read this? 

Last night and the night before and before M was here. I let him in and he was in my head and my actions. I hate him. Stop This Shit, as I've heard, but I hear it but I don't listen. I hear it, it bangs around in my head. My hands shake and my shoulders are so tensed. My heart races. I'm losing all around. Pecans. Beef Brisket. Butter. 

Well, not in that one important way. And that hurts too.

Why is this such a struggle. Why can't I cross the river. 

I'm making it a struggle. I'm living on the struggle, and there's more to this that I'm unable to remember how to say but the struggle is my addiction or something like that. But it doesn't have to be!

What goes wrong each night, let's start there. I come home on the bike, and think that I have only until 8pm to eat dinner. Self imposed rule. I rush-rush-rush to make dinner pack lunch rush pack rush cook eat while I can rush mindless anxiety and phone call and I try to eat and rush in the phone call and I don't remember and the call is over and rush and tense and racing. 

Yikes. OK, I had an idea last night. Let's get this fixed. Take the steps needed to fix this. 

Home. Unpack, glass of water. (This I succeeded last night)
Change clothes and wash face (failed last night)
Do a chore, walk the dog, find quiet. 
Phone call. Not dinner or rush. Maybe pack during phone call, but no eating.
Phone call ends 745ish. Now have dinner, when it's quiet. It's still 8pm, a few minutes after is OK.
Then go for a walk and be done. 

Benefits?
I'd get to eat with LA, who tends to eat after the call; I'd remember what I ate; It would be one meal instead of the often-two.

Cons?
The lonely racing quick-beating stress will be there; Can I wait? Or will I mentally miss out on the call.
.....Um, everyone else waits. No one is dying for waiting. 

Now the way to help this along for myself:
-PrePacked dinners so I don't have to cook each night. That's not working so far this week, and it won't work great next week, owing to being away over the weekends
-Eating lunch later so I'm not a Marvin when I get home. That's part of the anxiety. But lately I'm eating at 10-11 am and yuppers I'm a Marvin all fucking day. Ugh. 

OK take these steps. 

M came back last night

RUN 2 miles with LA,  21 or so minutes 
COMMUTE 7.6 miles on the longer route

GORGEOUS DAY, shorts and t-shirts.

I sent my update to Coach Patrick today, a much-shortened version that my original that I'm still hiding in my Drafts folder. I don't expect much from a reply. 

Last night after phone call M was here, ugh, even if a few nibs, and the Wt is reflecting it back to 1334. I want to change! I'm not willing to accept this. 

So I threw out the initiator chocolate this morning. 

How's it going to feel, when you don't know me anymore? 

Weekend at home, without stress of "having to run"

Saturday RUN 2 miles with LA

We ran to the tree and back. And most of the way, I'm thinking how nice it was to not have the pressure of "having" to do a long run this weekend. Am I that burned out?

I downloaded an easy triathlon plan last week. I'm looking for a well-rounded strength training plan to alternate with the Coach plan. I'm looking at being more well-rounded overall.

Still some stresses in life - this summer, PB craves over the weekend, so minor!

More mindlessness, then more mindfulness. A cycle

Wednesday BIKE! 30 mins on Bird
     COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday RUN 3 miles in just under 30 mins
     STRENGTH 16 mins with increased weights
     COMMUTE 7 miles

I'm noticing a pattern, that I'm in a hurry and anxious when I get home. And now that we have phone call every night, it's an every night thing. Tuesday night we stopped at the Russian store and got smoked salmon. I mindlessly ate a bunch, and ended up overeating it. He also got walnuts, and I mindlessly ate on those with some M and butter. Ugh. 

Last night I waited to eat then hurried into it because the phone call was coming up, then during phone call instead of paying attention to either the food or the call I ended up bouncing back and forth, pulling veggies from future meals, rearranging the plans, all because I had to compensate the CO from yesterday. Then in a fit of "you did so good!" I started on cho, and now cho is gone and garbaged, and again I have an overage. Cho was banned, so was salmon and beef and nuts. Issues with those right now. 

So yesterday's goals of 30' of some cardio, IF to noon, and banned was only 1 out of 3.
Today's goals were run to gym, IF to noon, and same banned list. So far - 2 out of 3!

When I get home, I need to calm the fuck down about meals and calls. One or the other? Separate them. Stick to plan, really, stop the compensations and CO and wondering. Stick to the plan. Today's plan: veggies with peanut chicken and a salad.

The gym was great, I'm increasing weights on most all exercises, and I'd like to have another routine to alternate in. The run was OK, but flat energy. How did I make myself run any further in previous weeks? 

I'm drafting a long email that was originally to Coach P but now it's more like a letter for me. Not to me - that one arrived in the mail yesterday - but for me to read and contemplate. 

Mindless M3 last night

RUN 4 miles in just a squeak under 40 mins
COMMUTE 7.6!

To my surprise, my "shorter Liberty" route to work is LONGER than the Pauline route?! Liberty is 7.6 and  Pauline is 7.25? I keep double checking, and yup, what I thought was a shorter route is in fact a bit longer. And it's a pure 7 if I ride further north to Liberty off Maple. Well huh.

Yesterday was great, but I fucked up after M3. I was anxious about the 7pm and in a hurry. So I lingered "doing dishes" and eating brisket. Then chocolate. And M was knocking again and jeezus fuck he's persistent. Yesterday was 50 days, and still I can't cross that humbling river? Well I did, just slowly. Then I was "done" at 7pm, then came back to be "done" again at 8pm. More beef. Why beef? Why not some warmed up veg? 

This morning I was persistent myself about getting my run finished. Target and back. I had lab meeting, and after being late for a meeting yesterday I was dead-set on not being late today too. I made it. And realized that tomorrow I could bike for a workout, instead of running 6 miles? Today the 4 felt good, no after effects, but it was sluggish and much slower than I thought. When 10 minute miles feels like it did today, I need more base work.

Goals tonight: No dairy, chocolate, or beef. Just get on track. So far the run and IF are done. 

May is the time for a Mindful Bee

RUN None, I skipped my planned 16 miler this past weekend

Monday: COMMUTE on Liberty route, ELLIPTICAL 20 mins, and STRENGTH 15-20 mins

I wrote a letter to myself yesterday, as suggested by a therapist (not mine) as a way to let go of the longing to be your former past self. Say goodbye in a letter, and let it go. Well, it was more complex than that, than "write a letter", but you get the idea. 

I had a hard time writing it. And about 10 pages later, I still didn't come to the answers I'd hoped to find. I wrote it yesterday while at home, after doing a full-on meal prep and waiting for someone to buy the couch and waiting for the smoker to finish the meat. 

My "run early" turned into a wait, and when I wait - I delay. I wanted to do a fast - didn't. I ended up feeling nauseated and "hungry" at 8 or 9 am, and thought if I just ate a little I'd feel better. Do I just image all those feelings, as a trick to eat and not delay?

Then after eating beef and chicken and peanut butter, I decided to start the cook up since I had to wait for the smoker to finish the meat. LA suggested another hour or two to finish it, but no it took longer and I got the impression that I shouldn't just leave it for hours while I run. So I waited. 

Take note, as I just did, that I delay on somethings and wait on others. Pattern?

Then I was hovering over my phone because a neighbor was supposed to pick up the couch, another a drill, and we're waiting to hear back on some bookshelves. So slow, no answers, yet I hovered and waited.  

So I cooked. And kept munching, and every bite of PB I knew it "wouldn't set well to run with this", and I told myself that "I'll stop eating now and run at noon, because it's only 10am now". 

Then couch guy wants to come at 1pm. He doesn't. He's coming at 3pm. There's some stress for me, because there's two neighbors trying to come at 3pm. I wait. I finish the cook up and clean up. I clean the garage. By this point, I realize I'm not going to run. 

And it's like a weight is lifted. 

I'm not going to run. And the weight is lifted.

So I have to step back here and wonder why that is. I'll get back to that. For now, the letter. I was planning on saying goodbye to IronBee me and saying "hey it was great but I gotta move on" when I realized I wasn't ready to move on. The summary of the letter was "I miss you" and "we still have a (M)utal friend in common and I don't know who I am right now".

I tried to work it out - who am I? I'm not IronBee, or BreakawayBee, or BornAgainBee. BadAssBee? It didn't fit. LA suggested QueenBee, but that doesn't fit right now either. 

Almost 10 pages - and while thinking about what would make me happy (couldn't think of anything) and what do I want (I dunno) and what do I want to become (don't know that either) I came up with the idea that I needed small challenges to work on. Not 0 to 100 miles, not an overhaul of who I am. But rather, like the ring the IronBee used to wear that said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", I needed to find that single step. 

And I realized - I'm not mindful. I'm stuck in the past. I'm anxious about the future. LA has noticed this, and it even came up Saturday in a mini-fight I started over the Brazilian drink outcome. 

So, I proposed: Mindful Bee. Moving from Mindfull to Mindful, like in the dog cartoon. And I picked 5 M things to get mindful about:
1. Mornings - get up, hit the goals, see some sunshine. Don't lose this golden time
2. Meetings - quit multitasking when other people talk to you and listen
3. Meals - put down the phone and pay attention, stop the distraction
4. Monster - jeezus it's almost 50 days and he's knocking on the door again
5. Moria - just get the fuck out of there

It's easier to remember that way, with M names. So that's my goal for May: Get Mindful. This idea crossed my mind a few weeks ago, and it circled back, and I took it.