Monday RUN 2 miles with a 20 min break for HIIT in Mushroom Park,
then COMMUTE 7.62 miles
Tuesday COMMUTE 3.6 miles (I double checked my route math.Oops)
Wednesday HIIT about 20-25 mins, RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 3.6 miles
Thursday not even a walk! rain and scheduling
Friday HIIT but no walk or commute, scheduling again
Monday A repeat of last week, this one better. I went for a run to Mershon, then looped back to Mushroom Park for some mulchy HIIT. The sun rose over the trees, the wind was calm, I was tired and slow.
Yesterday my goal numbers were depressing, - they have been for most of last week - and then this morning: 1.8. Say what?! Yay?
Tuesday no entry
Wednesday Last night LA said he wanted to run 3-4 miles and wasn't interested in my offer to do HIIT along with the run. He said something like "you'll do what you want anyway". Ugh. So I changed - I got up and did my HIIT in the basement and garage - only for him to stay in bed on his phone where I found him to see if he was still running or not. We only did 2 miles.
Last night too I offered a walk, he said he wanted to go to bed but did walk with me. He said he'd go to bed when we came back, which was around 815. So I painted only a little bit, cleaned up, and went upstairs. He stayed downstairs instead, on his phone and eating. He did come into the room at some point earlier but I was already falling asleep listing to the Last Russian Doll book (I had to rewind it over and over as I kept dozing off) then around 11 or 1130 he came to bed, then I couldn't fall asleep again. He was still up on his phone reading. I had to take a melatonin 5mg to get to sleep, if I wanted to be awake at 530 for the run.
Yesterday morning while I was sitting on the bed talking to him he was opening YT to surf for I don't know what I got frustrated. Here I'm trying to talk to him, and he's thinking about YT.
The night before, he came to the bedroom and I'm again falling asleep around 930? I'm not sure of the time and I'm thinking he was going for a shower but he was just in there, for at least an hour because I waited that long before falling asleep again, was just watching videos.
I can probably go back in my history here to 10 years ago - the 2013 change in my first marriage - and find similar frustrations with that husband. Who would go to the 3rd floor of the house and watch TV while I fell asleep alone each night. This is similar, but different. I want LA to come to bed. The other guy, I didn't care. I don't want to get to that point with LA.
What does the phone provide that's so engrossing, that's so pulling and strong, that it's better to hang out with the phone or a screen, than me?
I guess the phone doesn't nag, about being on the phone.
LA seems I'm frustrated and he asks. During the run my mind was rolling rolling rolling ideas and thoughts, and we didn't say a word during the run. Why was I the one tracking his nutrition? Reading the pubmed articles for him? Packing his lunch? Making food for him? Preparing tea every morning? Making grocery lists and researching things he can eat? Offering to do HIIT type stuff with him because he says he "wants to do pushup" probably for the Army? Tracking his nutrition so we can maximize the nutritionist appointment tomorrow? Offering to run with him and waiting until he's awake when I can just go on my own? Staying up late to cuddle with him when I could be sleeping? Sitting in the living room to be around for phone call instead of doing anything else? Take care of the kids when he's busy? Traveling the next 3 weekends in a row to help him see the kids?
That escalated from minor to major, and could probably be separated into to problems. I mention to him only the minor ones. I say he can read his own pubmed articles. Track his own nutrition, pack his own lunch and make his own tea. That my attempts to help don't feel appreciated, so why do I keep doing it? I feel like support staff - doing all the things so he can work and study, and see the kids. I say I'm not a maid (I said this yesterday or the day before), I'm not support staff. I say that I rearranged my life back in March so he could study more for the STEP and instead of life getting better....
....life went back to worse. What do I want? I want to have dinner together. I came home Monday to him already eating and he didn't wait. I came home yesterday Tuesday and he'd already eaten sushi, skipped eating with me, then ate again after I went to bed. We can't do breakfast or lunch, can't we at least adult enough to do dinner? We couldn't even do it when the kids were here, always some excuse with the exception of maybe those 2 nights. 2 nights, out of 10 weeks. The golden chance for family time, lost.
I want to stop doing everything for everyone else - making tea and packing lunch and prepping food and cleaning and picking up those damned stupid toothpicks on the countertop and the car. (seriously how hard is it to throw it away?!). I try to think of something that someone else is doing for me on the regular, a habit they do just for me on their time, ..... my mind isn't going there now and all I see are lights left on in empty rooms and shoes left on the floor not the rack and toothpicks.
No, he's aired the house out for me after I complained about the air being stale in the house. He tried to by a food processor (but I had him return it, a separate financial rant not for today). He bought be a vacuum, but I'd rather he save the money and pick up a broom now and then to clean on his own. He's helped me sell a few items from the house, although I felt like I was intruding on his study time and was apologetic and thankful.
Where am I going with all this? I'm just thinking things over, seeing if I can find a pattern or fix. What do I want? I want to feel like our lives are on more equal support footing, that we're making time for each other and each other's desires, not the feeling I have now of "me doing so much to support his medical school goals" and "me investing so much time and money so he can see his kids".
I don't want to feel like support staff, like I'm the one giving up my time and my interests and my money.
He's under a lot of stress, I'm trying to help but apparently I'm not. He says he feels judged, and that I keep comparing what he says to me and making it about me. He also says I need to set boundaries. But to him? I guess I do, for now. He needs to make his own tea, pack his own lunch, read his own articles. I need to focus on me. The focus on us, needs to come when we've found this balance to be in balance.
But for now, he needs my support. ? Does he? Can I help him with this? It seems beyond me.
Thursday Woke up to long, soaking, bright and heavy thunderstorms. LA had two appointments that I went to at the VA - PCP and nutrition. Then a shortened day at work. I'd like to get a walk in! I missed that today. LA and I better today, talking and learning what is frustrating each of us. We're on the same page, just reading it differently.
Friday Up to garage HIIT, LA in a mental-daze seeing his weight change and symptoms, we talked about that instead. Rode to work together so we could be home in time for the flights.
Ending here, will update Monday!
