NOT MUCH
That's what I've been doing. Not much. Haven't biked since Thanksgiving, trying to rest the hip(s) and just recovery physically and mentally. It's draining to always be in some sort of pain.
The right hip is the worst of the two, and the left hip is probably just a compensation issue. Earlier this month Dr L treated the anterior hip connections (sartorius, rector femoris, TFL, and glut med) (assuming I'm spelling them correctly). This left me with large swollen bruises but no change in condition. So boo.
I'm walking a lot more, and noticed in the last day or so that walking Sugar at her slow pace is worse than just walking. I've been listing the good and the bad for the hips:
Good: down steps, standing, sitting, full forward flexion
Bad: climbing steps on bilateral anterior hip; lying on my side for more than a few minutes, a deep bone-like ache in varied locations from hip to foot; first few steps after sitting for a period, a pain in the joint soft tissues that leaves my leg feeling weak.
Nutrition is going great, many new foods and much less apprehension. Thanks to LA for exposure therapy and stress reduction, encouragement and patience.
Thanksgiving went great, no issues with trying foods and mental stuffs. The anxiety that started to cripple me is fading but is still there.
Just not much to say, except I'm actually going on a vacation next week!!!!! OMG, what the hell, right?
Friday, December 13, 2019
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Hugs, ginger, and persective
Saturday COMMUTE 9.2
Sunday rest because my hips and knees hurt
Monday COMMUTE 9.2
Tuesday COMMUTE 9.2
I'm just so happy I can type in something that I did, that I went and detailed all those days. Because.
Friday was the start of a mental downward spiral that ended with me falling asleep near tears. Why? Fuck I dunno. I rarely cry. Tears don't fix anything. I felt helpless, I guess. I felt sick and nauseated and weak and pained, and it culminated into a mental crack.
Also on Friday I started reading Dr Google (Google is a she, so it was google-bitch) (and yes I know the dangers of asking Dr Google anything) about a potential source of my symptoms -- the new IUD. Placed last October of 2018, and while I can't say my symptoms directly correlate with that time line, it's something on the list of differentials.
I found many anecdotal stories from women playing themselves as victims of a fraudulent and lie-filled industry that covers the evidence of side effects and pathology. I'm terrible, I know, but even I read these stories and myself get sucked into the "omg me2" mentality. The symptoms they list only partially overlap with me, so I'm not fully convinced. But as a way to get myself out of this loop I emailed Dr McM (see Tuesday for update).
Anyway, I fell asleep in a low energy, negative, depressed mood with hip pain, almost no food because I felt sick, and still blood pooling in my ankle. Oh, and near tears. I woke up in a similar fashion, I felt sick after breakfast and just headed to work knowing that if I stayed home I'd fall in another trap of being sick and depressed.
Once at work, the feeling continued. I couldn't shake the mental sludge even with PCR. LA called and I didn't want to talk about it, it would just make it more real, but he pulled it out of me. I told him about the Dr L visit, (didn't mention the Dr McM results), the bike ride, the crash, the fear that "something is wrong with me". I'm such a wimp. Jeezus. A PanZee. JFC.
He took me to FoPa for a walk, exactly what I needed -- to get away from myself and my thoughts. First off a big hug. I didn't know I needed that. We walked past the spot I crashed, then back along the trail to the skating rink, stopped on a bridge and talked. He made a good point, many actually, one being that I'm too focused on this and stressing myself out. That innumerable biochemical reactions are taking place in my, that I can't control all of it, that I needed to just step back.
Ah. Perspective. TB is good for that too. Haven't talked to her in months....
Anyway, my counter to this is that I can't keep living this way -- feeling sick, having the now near-constant pain each night, the back-to-back injuries, the fear of the next injury, the inability to fix what is going on. Maybe it can't be fixed. But I have to try. In the meantime though, relax.
He took me to Kirkwood for ginger. Yummy! We sorta planned on meeting up later to just rest, but he had homework and I don't want to get him in trouble. I didn't eat much for dinner, still feeling sick, I'm not even sure I ate dinner actually... He' ask: are you OK. Answer: Yes. Ask: are you sure? Answer, no. Ugh. Hate this.
Sunday back to work, and later shopping. To my surprise, I did get and didn't sabotage myself like I normally do. WIN. Oh, and this was DAY 2 OF NO M. I'm calmer.
There's a definite correlation between my mood and my gut condition. I'm not sure which comes first -- do I feel sick then I feel mental? --or do I feel mental and then I feel sick? I'm sure there's a feedback mechanism though -- once one starts the other feeds off it, then the other feeds off that, and so on.
Monday. All day Sunday I didn't feel sick, and the same all day here too. But I was a bit mental, I wanted to be alone and did the mouse house weaning on my own. Didn't eat much all day and felt better for it, but low energy. Returned the key fob to JonT at the Soulard gym (finally) and delivered a SCOBY to him, Walgreen's again for the prescription fix, and was going to go to Jay's to buy bok choi (recommended by nutritionist) but my mind kept skipping to buying ginger candy and persimmons instead. Ah...a hint...don't go to Jay's. IT'S A TRAP! Haha. So went to Schnucks and to my total amazement walked right by the problematic chocolate (problem because nutritionist says 'eat more' and I instead use it as a meal replacement) and bought ONLY GREENS. ONLY. OMG.
And I was tempted by the cho in the truck, but threw it out instead. OMG. Day 3
There's a definite correlation between how much I eat and how I feel for the next 1-6 hours. I can work that out, experiment, and find the balance.
Tuesday. Repeat of Monday -- small meals, not much food but feel GREAT. Heard back from Dr McM regarding my IUD question. I like her answer! I did OK with the first Mirena, I don't have other estrogen options because of my "cardiac history", and menopause?! She mentioned a test for FSH, and yes I'll do it! And I'll read up more on menopause.
Day 4.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
I might just go crazy. Seems very likely actually. Maybe tomorrow.
COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Finally Monday night's snow and ice is cleared enough to bike to work again. There's still some patches under the trees, so gotta be careful.
My calf injury from last Tuesday's tempter tantrum is not improving much. Last week the blood pooled around my ankle, that cleared, but now more blood pooled there. Lined up against where my sock pressed into the swollen skin, and more dark stain down along the heel pad. Notably, it's medial on the ankle while the injury is lateral. There's blood pooled under the injury side too, but not as apparent. Yesterday my ankle was very swollen, puffy and not healthy looking. Same today.
It hurts to walk, touch, stretch. It's a focal pain. Now my injury-battled brain is worried about another fracture, since the pain isn't abating like a muscle injury might. I looked at anatomy pictures yesterday and don't see the head of the fibula at that spot but do think it's possible I hit the lateral top of the tibia? It couldn't have fractured, gotta just be bruised if anything? It was a sliding fall on limestone....not a fracture situation. But my poor brain goes there anyway.
At what point do I seek treatment? I don't want to do that, but ...... sometimes it helps heal faster. Case in point -- the right hip. I would have kept biking and maybe even running without that diagnosis.
And my right hip is hurting, and if I'm honest with myself the pubic bone aches too. At least I think it does. It's hard being honest. Last night the outer hip hurt, whatever soft-tissue is the source, it burned and ached. When I lie there and think about it, it feels like my femur aches too. I've had this a long time now, mentioned it to Dr L, and he sees a nerve injury/entrapment/adhesion issue. I like his version better, come'on, a bone ache? WTF does that even mean? It's just the words I have to describe it.
So again pain while in bed, an ache in the pubic bone, and now this calf bullshit. This morning walking the dog (in her adorbz butternut/pumpkin coat...aww) I jogged across Jefferson and thought "wouldn't a long walk and/or jog be nice over lunch? By the end of the walk, I was in near-anxiety attack because of the hip and calf pains.
It turns my stomach, to think I'm injured. My brain sludges and won't process. I feel smothered. Weak. Heavy. Unable to get out.
This isn't my body. What's happened?
Finally Monday night's snow and ice is cleared enough to bike to work again. There's still some patches under the trees, so gotta be careful.
My calf injury from last Tuesday's tempter tantrum is not improving much. Last week the blood pooled around my ankle, that cleared, but now more blood pooled there. Lined up against where my sock pressed into the swollen skin, and more dark stain down along the heel pad. Notably, it's medial on the ankle while the injury is lateral. There's blood pooled under the injury side too, but not as apparent. Yesterday my ankle was very swollen, puffy and not healthy looking. Same today.
It hurts to walk, touch, stretch. It's a focal pain. Now my injury-battled brain is worried about another fracture, since the pain isn't abating like a muscle injury might. I looked at anatomy pictures yesterday and don't see the head of the fibula at that spot but do think it's possible I hit the lateral top of the tibia? It couldn't have fractured, gotta just be bruised if anything? It was a sliding fall on limestone....not a fracture situation. But my poor brain goes there anyway.
At what point do I seek treatment? I don't want to do that, but ...... sometimes it helps heal faster. Case in point -- the right hip. I would have kept biking and maybe even running without that diagnosis.
And my right hip is hurting, and if I'm honest with myself the pubic bone aches too. At least I think it does. It's hard being honest. Last night the outer hip hurt, whatever soft-tissue is the source, it burned and ached. When I lie there and think about it, it feels like my femur aches too. I've had this a long time now, mentioned it to Dr L, and he sees a nerve injury/entrapment/adhesion issue. I like his version better, come'on, a bone ache? WTF does that even mean? It's just the words I have to describe it.
So again pain while in bed, an ache in the pubic bone, and now this calf bullshit. This morning walking the dog (in her adorbz butternut/pumpkin coat...aww) I jogged across Jefferson and thought "wouldn't a long walk and/or jog be nice over lunch? By the end of the walk, I was in near-anxiety attack because of the hip and calf pains.
It turns my stomach, to think I'm injured. My brain sludges and won't process. I feel smothered. Weak. Heavy. Unable to get out.
This isn't my body. What's happened?
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Full moon morning
Couldn't see the full moon, was too cold. 11F when I walked the dog, and although sunny and nice it wasn't a good walk for her. I had to carry her butt half a block. I don't think she's feeling good, so I'll call the vet today. She scooted Sunday, I'm guessing that's it.
Well anyway, it's been one week since my meltdown temper tantrum and I feel like I've made ZERO progress on it. Not that I'm giving up, but just expressing frustration. My left hand scabs are healing slowly, the winter gloves and gloves at work are hard on healing. My right elbow still very bruised. My left calf is worrisome. For the second time now, I can see pooled blood at my ankle under the injury. It hurts and aches. My luck I cracked something else. Ha. But it doesn't hurt like a break, but rather like the bruised swollen leg that it is. Still very bruised.
I got what I wanted -- an excuse to not run. Haven't had the urge to run on the leg, it hurts to even jog across the street. Got what I wanted.
But haven't been getting what I want with the nutrition. I need to get back on track. My numbers as logged and measured are NOT improving. I'm still low on the nutrients pointed out to me, and spent the last 3 days feeling sick for what I'd eaten.
This morning, threw out the add-ins to the yogurt and stuck to my meal plan. Still not feeling great, swollen, and bloated. One of the problems I think I cause for myself is eating too big of a breakfast, then I feel sick the rest of the day. And the nuts, or maybe the fat in the nuts, or both, or specifically one type of fat, whatever it is -- gives me an awful too-full about-to-burst about-to-vomit pressure in my throat. Not an allergy type of thing though. But back off the nuts and find better.
So far, the greens seem to be doing OK with me (thank you Instant Pot).
30 days of perfect nutrition. I'm one week in. 7 days minus 3. Only at 4/30. Ugh.
Well anyway, it's been one week since my meltdown temper tantrum and I feel like I've made ZERO progress on it. Not that I'm giving up, but just expressing frustration. My left hand scabs are healing slowly, the winter gloves and gloves at work are hard on healing. My right elbow still very bruised. My left calf is worrisome. For the second time now, I can see pooled blood at my ankle under the injury. It hurts and aches. My luck I cracked something else. Ha. But it doesn't hurt like a break, but rather like the bruised swollen leg that it is. Still very bruised.
I got what I wanted -- an excuse to not run. Haven't had the urge to run on the leg, it hurts to even jog across the street. Got what I wanted.
But haven't been getting what I want with the nutrition. I need to get back on track. My numbers as logged and measured are NOT improving. I'm still low on the nutrients pointed out to me, and spent the last 3 days feeling sick for what I'd eaten.
This morning, threw out the add-ins to the yogurt and stuck to my meal plan. Still not feeling great, swollen, and bloated. One of the problems I think I cause for myself is eating too big of a breakfast, then I feel sick the rest of the day. And the nuts, or maybe the fat in the nuts, or both, or specifically one type of fat, whatever it is -- gives me an awful too-full about-to-burst about-to-vomit pressure in my throat. Not an allergy type of thing though. But back off the nuts and find better.
So far, the greens seem to be doing OK with me (thank you Instant Pot).
30 days of perfect nutrition. I'm one week in. 7 days minus 3. Only at 4/30. Ugh.
Monday, November 11, 2019
30 days fail
Saturday BIKE! 20.7 miles around Fo Pa and Wydown, in 1:23
and COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Sunday COMMUTE 9.2 miles
I'm just now (on Tuesday) calling up the Garmin file on this Saturday ride, and I see the Training Effect is "5.0 Overreaching". I'm not sure what that means. I can take a guess. Garmin says "This activity was very demanding. While it can significantly improve your cardiorespiratory fitness, it can become harmful without enough recovery time and should be done sparingly."
Sparingly. Fuck off.
The ave HR was 157, ok that's a bit high but it's also the wrist reading so I'm not fully trusting it. It was a great ride, maybe the last warm t-shirt level weekend of the season. I wore my beloved Rapha jacket but no bike shorts, a bit of chafing from that. Worth it.
Sparingly. WTF?
Anyway, Friday night I went to return the key fob to the gym I almost joined in Soulard, but the 6pm class was a nothing no-show not even the lights on. Dammit. Off to make something of this, I decide to get some of the groceries. Stopped at Jay's and got the tofu and tahini I thought I'd try. Aldi's got good on my list but picked up rice cakes for the tahini.
Naturally this all made me sick to my stomach. Worse yet, M threw out the rice cakes before going to bed, knowing if I ate more the next day it would just continue. I tried more tahini in the morning and spent the rest of the day sick. Pressure in my throat, like my stomach pushing up my esophagus, nauseated, not hungry. I do the bike ride at 330pm on just a clementine orange. Still feeling sick I try to eat some dinner. Of course I had to have some tahini, part of me figures if I'm already sick what's the difference? Ugh.
Sunday morning my hips hurt! The soft tissues took a beating from the ride. I'd hoped to ride again today but that's a bad idea. More tahini, as I'm still sick. I throw the rest of it away. Sick the rest of the day as I cleared the yard and enjoyed the 65F weather. Didn't enjoy how my stomach felt.
More errands and I thought about some walnuts, ginger, and dark chocolate as stir-ins for my yogurt. Take a guess how this went. Not good. Fucking M. Sunday night was a total loss of stomach happiness.
Monday a cold front was coming in, the temps expected to be 15F overnight with 1-2" of snow. All day Monday sick, at lunch time I nearly threw up. Drive home nibbled M some macadamia nuts, those were OK. And dinner was almost OK.
I gotta get back on track.
and COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Sunday COMMUTE 9.2 miles
I'm just now (on Tuesday) calling up the Garmin file on this Saturday ride, and I see the Training Effect is "5.0 Overreaching". I'm not sure what that means. I can take a guess. Garmin says "This activity was very demanding. While it can significantly improve your cardiorespiratory fitness, it can become harmful without enough recovery time and should be done sparingly."
Sparingly. Fuck off.
The ave HR was 157, ok that's a bit high but it's also the wrist reading so I'm not fully trusting it. It was a great ride, maybe the last warm t-shirt level weekend of the season. I wore my beloved Rapha jacket but no bike shorts, a bit of chafing from that. Worth it.
Sparingly. WTF?
Anyway, Friday night I went to return the key fob to the gym I almost joined in Soulard, but the 6pm class was a nothing no-show not even the lights on. Dammit. Off to make something of this, I decide to get some of the groceries. Stopped at Jay's and got the tofu and tahini I thought I'd try. Aldi's got good on my list but picked up rice cakes for the tahini.
Naturally this all made me sick to my stomach. Worse yet, M threw out the rice cakes before going to bed, knowing if I ate more the next day it would just continue. I tried more tahini in the morning and spent the rest of the day sick. Pressure in my throat, like my stomach pushing up my esophagus, nauseated, not hungry. I do the bike ride at 330pm on just a clementine orange. Still feeling sick I try to eat some dinner. Of course I had to have some tahini, part of me figures if I'm already sick what's the difference? Ugh.
Sunday morning my hips hurt! The soft tissues took a beating from the ride. I'd hoped to ride again today but that's a bad idea. More tahini, as I'm still sick. I throw the rest of it away. Sick the rest of the day as I cleared the yard and enjoyed the 65F weather. Didn't enjoy how my stomach felt.
More errands and I thought about some walnuts, ginger, and dark chocolate as stir-ins for my yogurt. Take a guess how this went. Not good. Fucking M. Sunday night was a total loss of stomach happiness.
Monday a cold front was coming in, the temps expected to be 15F overnight with 1-2" of snow. All day Monday sick, at lunch time I nearly threw up. Drive home nibbled M some macadamia nuts, those were OK. And dinner was almost OK.
I gotta get back on track.
Friday, November 8, 2019
One week in, update and learneds so far
BIKE COMMUTE all days except today. Just didn't feel it. (Cold pansy)
So it's Friday, I'm one full week out of my initial visit with JenMcD, and on the 7th day of the 'nutrition plan', that plan being simply a rotation of the two example days they sent me. I know they don't mean for me to repeat those two days over and over like this, but I gotta start somewhere. And having to decide what to eat - whether it's right or enough or filling or maxematically (new word for me, haha, means max'd out mathematically) ideal - is one of my stresses.
Anyway. I quickly realized in food logging that I was more symptomatic than I realized, most days feeling sick, overfull, bloated, refluxy, not hungry. It quickly narrowed down to butternut squash and/or broccoli, by alternating meals with one or the other and tracking symptoms. I figured this out right around the time of the meeting, so when I got the 'plan' of suggested foods I immediately swapped them out. Put in olives instead of butternut. They didn't have broccoli in the plan.
Plan has 3 meals and multiple snacks, I didn't know what to do with the snacks, I don't think of myself as a "snacker" since I'd eat breakfast and dinner and that's sometimes it. But I give it a whirl anyway. Quantities aren't mentioned, so I don't list them here.
Day 1: eggs, greek yogurt, avocado; orange and nuts; chicken, sauteed spinach, carrot, potato sauteed in olive oil, nutritional yeast; dark chocolate; fish and acorn squash; crystallized ginger and dark chocolate.
Day 2: egg omelete with sauteed greens, avocado; yogurt berries and ginger; salmon cakes with zucchini and potato; butternut, nuts, dark chocolate; chicken with beets avocado.
WTF are salmon cakes? Oh and crystallized ginger there because LA had bought me a pound of it and it ended up in my pre-meeting food log. Haven't eaten it since.
So in summary, lots more greens and add in nuts.
I had to make changes, as I'm not into sauteing things, had to swap out the squash, and used egg whites with maybe one yolk. And that seems still like a lot of food once it's packed up for the next day, but I might only think that because I don't usually pack all my food to see it all at once.
So after one week -- almost no gut symptoms! (Might also help that LA is out of country and I'm not eating new foods late at night...). My energy is OK, I'm going to bed not feeling sick, most all bloating is gone. I'm not using things like ketchup, mayo, no salad bars, not nomming randoms because of the accountability of having to log it. But I've had a few days of dizzy-when-standing-up, maybe lower than usual salt?
And this next week? I'm planning to just keep rotating the schedule. I've added in dill pickles for salt. Gotta find a better option for the nuts, I don't really like them. And the dark chocolate...well that becomes a meal so I don't have a firm grasp on that relationship right now. I tried it twice this week and it's just not a good option for me. I've been using baking cocoa on my yogurt instead.
Well in the end I'm shooting for my 30 Days of Perfect Nutrition. When I log all this into the Cronometer and don't include the supplements and vitamins, I see that I'm still low on the nutrients already pointed out to me: folate, calcium, iron, magnesium. Copper was also on the list, but addition of kale took care of that. All B vitamins boosted with use of nutritional yeast.
Nutrients: what I already eat; + what they recommend
Folate: my avo and zucchini; + avo, mustard green, nut yeast
Calcium: yogurt; + tofu, collard,
Iron: beets; + tofu, spinach, dark chocolate
Magnesium: + zucchini potatoes chicken.
Tofu -- yuck but OK. Tempeh looks good in calcium and iron, folate, and magnesium. So put that in instead of dark chocolate? I think I tolerated it OK. Oh what about natto?!
100 calories of Tofu Tempeh Natto
Folate: 6.1% 3.1% 0.9%
Calcium: 26% 5.7% 10%
Iron: 11.5% 7.7% 23%
Magnesium: 12% 10.3% 13.6%
Sounds like I could alternate them? But look for a tofu option. One block of tofu for $2 looks about 3-4 servings. Put in instead of nuts. Yuck but....find a recipe! Maybe ask BE since he does the vegan Wednesdays, or try the baked tofu recipe I just surfed up.
OK have ideas, off to the week! (And back to work, my PCR almost done)
-------
One last update. I still hurt from Tuesday's bike incident. My left hand knuckles are raw but the purple faded. My left elbow bruised, the deltoid and shoulder improved just sore, and my left knee/calf very bruised, scraped, and sore. My neck much improved. Ugh. Nice one tj.
Greens, I should look for a mixed bag or pre-make a batch cuz the daily chop and cook deters me.
So it's Friday, I'm one full week out of my initial visit with JenMcD, and on the 7th day of the 'nutrition plan', that plan being simply a rotation of the two example days they sent me. I know they don't mean for me to repeat those two days over and over like this, but I gotta start somewhere. And having to decide what to eat - whether it's right or enough or filling or maxematically (new word for me, haha, means max'd out mathematically) ideal - is one of my stresses.
Anyway. I quickly realized in food logging that I was more symptomatic than I realized, most days feeling sick, overfull, bloated, refluxy, not hungry. It quickly narrowed down to butternut squash and/or broccoli, by alternating meals with one or the other and tracking symptoms. I figured this out right around the time of the meeting, so when I got the 'plan' of suggested foods I immediately swapped them out. Put in olives instead of butternut. They didn't have broccoli in the plan.
Plan has 3 meals and multiple snacks, I didn't know what to do with the snacks, I don't think of myself as a "snacker" since I'd eat breakfast and dinner and that's sometimes it. But I give it a whirl anyway. Quantities aren't mentioned, so I don't list them here.
Day 1: eggs, greek yogurt, avocado; orange and nuts; chicken, sauteed spinach, carrot, potato sauteed in olive oil, nutritional yeast; dark chocolate; fish and acorn squash; crystallized ginger and dark chocolate.
Day 2: egg omelete with sauteed greens, avocado; yogurt berries and ginger; salmon cakes with zucchini and potato; butternut, nuts, dark chocolate; chicken with beets avocado.
WTF are salmon cakes? Oh and crystallized ginger there because LA had bought me a pound of it and it ended up in my pre-meeting food log. Haven't eaten it since.
So in summary, lots more greens and add in nuts.
I had to make changes, as I'm not into sauteing things, had to swap out the squash, and used egg whites with maybe one yolk. And that seems still like a lot of food once it's packed up for the next day, but I might only think that because I don't usually pack all my food to see it all at once.
So after one week -- almost no gut symptoms! (Might also help that LA is out of country and I'm not eating new foods late at night...). My energy is OK, I'm going to bed not feeling sick, most all bloating is gone. I'm not using things like ketchup, mayo, no salad bars, not nomming randoms because of the accountability of having to log it. But I've had a few days of dizzy-when-standing-up, maybe lower than usual salt?
And this next week? I'm planning to just keep rotating the schedule. I've added in dill pickles for salt. Gotta find a better option for the nuts, I don't really like them. And the dark chocolate...well that becomes a meal so I don't have a firm grasp on that relationship right now. I tried it twice this week and it's just not a good option for me. I've been using baking cocoa on my yogurt instead.
Well in the end I'm shooting for my 30 Days of Perfect Nutrition. When I log all this into the Cronometer and don't include the supplements and vitamins, I see that I'm still low on the nutrients already pointed out to me: folate, calcium, iron, magnesium. Copper was also on the list, but addition of kale took care of that. All B vitamins boosted with use of nutritional yeast.
Nutrients: what I already eat; + what they recommend
Folate: my avo and zucchini; + avo, mustard green, nut yeast
Calcium: yogurt; + tofu, collard,
Iron: beets; + tofu, spinach, dark chocolate
Magnesium: + zucchini potatoes chicken.
Tofu -- yuck but OK. Tempeh looks good in calcium and iron, folate, and magnesium. So put that in instead of dark chocolate? I think I tolerated it OK. Oh what about natto?!
100 calories of Tofu Tempeh Natto
Folate: 6.1% 3.1% 0.9%
Calcium: 26% 5.7% 10%
Iron: 11.5% 7.7% 23%
Magnesium: 12% 10.3% 13.6%
Sounds like I could alternate them? But look for a tofu option. One block of tofu for $2 looks about 3-4 servings. Put in instead of nuts. Yuck but....find a recipe! Maybe ask BE since he does the vegan Wednesdays, or try the baked tofu recipe I just surfed up.
OK have ideas, off to the week! (And back to work, my PCR almost done)
-------
One last update. I still hurt from Tuesday's bike incident. My left hand knuckles are raw but the purple faded. My left elbow bruised, the deltoid and shoulder improved just sore, and my left knee/calf very bruised, scraped, and sore. My neck much improved. Ugh. Nice one tj.
Greens, I should look for a mixed bag or pre-make a batch cuz the daily chop and cook deters me.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
Rule 4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday
Rule 4 is compare yourself to who you were yesterday not to someone else is today. You need to have a hierarchy of improvement, you need to be aiming for something and that means you going to be lesser than people who've already attained along that dimension and that can give rise to Envy. So the question is who should you defeat in the final analysis, and the answer is you should defeat your former self. You should be constantly trying to do that and you're the right control for yourself too, because you're the one who's had all your advantages and disadvantages, and so if you want to compete fairly with someone then you should be competing with you.
And it is the case, this is what we were talking about with regards to the self-improvement of the fighter is, well, if you're improving yourself than what you are doing is competing with your lesser self and then you might also ask, well what is that lesser self? And that lesser self would be resentful and bitter and aggressive and vengeance-seeking, and all of those things that go along with having a negative moral character. And those are things that interfere with your ability to progress as you move forward through life, so it's very necessary to understand that.
This is why I've been stressing this idea of personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is to compete with yourself, is to be slightly better than yourself the next day, and then better in some way that you can actually manage and that's humility. Well, I'm a flawed person, I've got all my problems, could I be as good as person X? It's not the right question. The right question is, could you be slightly better tomorrow then you're currently flawed self, and the answer to that is - if you have enough humility to set the bar properly low then you could be better tomorrow than you are today. Because what you also have to do is, you have to say, well here's all my flaws and my insufficiencies and the best that someone that flawed and insufficient could do to improve and actually do it, is this. And that's not worth going out in the street and celebrating with placards.
You know it's why I tell people to clean the room, it's not going to brag to someone that you did that, but that someone is insufficient as you might be able to manage it and that means you actually are on the pathway to self improvement, and you're transcending your former self. You might say, well, what's the right way of being in the world if there is such a thing. And it's not acting according to a set of rules, it's attempting continually to transcend the flawed thing that you currently are. And what's so interesting about that is that the meaning in life is to be found in that Pursuit.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
And you go after the dragon
On Resentment
If you're resentful about something, it either means you should grow the hell up and accept the responsibility and quit sniveling around and whining, OR it means that someone is actually oppressing you and pushing on you too hard and bullying you and demeaning you and you have something to SAY or DO that you're not saying or doing and no wonder you're not saying or doing it because it can be really dangerous to say things or do them to free yourself from being oppressed. You can get in a lot of trouble in the short term for doing it so it's easier to just not say anything day after day. In the short term you protect yourself but it crushes you"
On expressing the resentment
......you got to tell people what you're thinking, you don't have to assume you're right. That's a whole different story because you're not, you're ignorant and your're biased and you're not right but you can stumble towards your this, the expression of yourself, and then you can listen to the other person and hope that they tell you some way that you're stupid that's useful, so you could be be a little less stupid in the future, because that wouldn't that be good. And so you go after the unknown you don't protect what you already know you go after what you don't know that's why you have to talk to people you don't agree, with that's why you have to talk to your enemies cuz they're gonna tell you things you don't know. You could even listen to them, its' possible they know a thing or two you don't know. People don't like that, they just talk to people that think the same way, and then they just stay stupid and so that's not good. Because if you're not wise the world will wall up you it'll flatten you and far more then it has to and then you'll; be bitter and resentful and you'll be part of that force that wallops instead of the force that fights against that. And you go after the dragon.
You have to step forward against it.
If you're resentful about something, it either means you should grow the hell up and accept the responsibility and quit sniveling around and whining, OR it means that someone is actually oppressing you and pushing on you too hard and bullying you and demeaning you and you have something to SAY or DO that you're not saying or doing and no wonder you're not saying or doing it because it can be really dangerous to say things or do them to free yourself from being oppressed. You can get in a lot of trouble in the short term for doing it so it's easier to just not say anything day after day. In the short term you protect yourself but it crushes you"
On expressing the resentment
......you got to tell people what you're thinking, you don't have to assume you're right. That's a whole different story because you're not, you're ignorant and your're biased and you're not right but you can stumble towards your this, the expression of yourself, and then you can listen to the other person and hope that they tell you some way that you're stupid that's useful, so you could be be a little less stupid in the future, because that wouldn't that be good. And so you go after the unknown you don't protect what you already know you go after what you don't know that's why you have to talk to people you don't agree, with that's why you have to talk to your enemies cuz they're gonna tell you things you don't know. You could even listen to them, its' possible they know a thing or two you don't know. People don't like that, they just talk to people that think the same way, and then they just stay stupid and so that's not good. Because if you're not wise the world will wall up you it'll flatten you and far more then it has to and then you'll; be bitter and resentful and you'll be part of that force that wallops instead of the force that fights against that. And you go after the dragon.
You have to step forward against it.
Decide what your success is going to be and work hard in that direction- JBP
BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Joe Rogan, Jordan B Peterson, and Bret Weinstein this morning. I'm replaying many JBP podcasts, I just love the message. This quote around 1 hour 38 mins in stuck with me.
I could quote JBP all day long here, the idea of taking responsibility, of bearing a burden as a way of finding meaning, of standing up straight with your shoulders back and facing your fears -- all paraphrased and maybe not exactly what he means -- but that's the message I get.
After yesterday's temper tantrum meltdown blowup, I'm in a better frame of mind. And like I was thinking yesterday, I need to face this fear (not sure what it is yet), stand up straight, decide what I'm going to consider 'success', and work hard in that direction.
Today I can articulate better why it's so hard to be told "you can't run". For me being able to run is the proxy way of saying "you are healthy". So if I can't run, that means the Themses think I'm not healthy. Are they right or wrong, I dunno.
But that's what I hear when he says "don't run". I hear, "something is wrong with you".
Nothing is wrong with me. Everything is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me.
So anyway. Back to the quote. Decide what your success is going to be.
Yesterday morning I would have said, my success will be going out for a run. After yesterday's appointment, I've had to rein that in. Actually I would have said, my success will be running the 2020 Hennepin 100. That's still a measure of success for me - it would be a return from the 2017 hip surgery, the 2018 heart attack, and the 2019 hip stress fracture. It would be a return from the 2015 nutrition disaster, the 2014 life stress, and I could keep going back, but at some point I need to look forward.
Success for me, will be running again. Even if a mile. But to run again. Let's just start there.
OK, so, work hard in that direction. What will it take to run again.
---30 days of perfect nutrition
---30 days of no pain and healing
---30 days of movement and mobility and strength building
(30 days, as in, the next Dr L appointment)
OK break that down. No pain and healing will mean NOT RUNNING (even though I'm sure I'll find a few days to jog a bit or test things out a few mins at a time). Movement, mobility, and strength are already "on the calendar" as something I track as a goal. I'm using the hip surgery PT and movements to get started.
Those goals aren't my problem right now. The nutrition is the problem. As of this moment, I'm in a big change for nutrition, and I've been pushing for this change, and yet I'm not changing.
Years and years and ?? how much more of nutrition problems. Like I said yesterday, it's not the moon phase or a date or an event or anything that will bring this change. It's me.
Yesterday I'm told I need 30 days of perfect nutrition, and within minutes I decide to have a bar of dark chocolate for lunch. That's not a lunch. That's a stress response, I'll concede that point. And one error is not a ruin for 30 days. But it's an example of the conflict in my head.
Instead of embracing the need to change, accepting the motivation for 30 days, I fight against it.
I'm told I should eat dairy for my bones, and I decide I hate yogurt because "I should eat it" and I'm not eating it because I want to but only because I'm supposed to.
I'm told egg yolks aren't good for my cholesterol, and I decide to eat 1 a day anyway but I hate the egg yolk for it.
I'm told to eat more, so I do to the point of feeling sick, and win nothing for it.
Jen McD suggested that I just accept that there are some things I should eat because they are good for me. Instead of fighting the extrinsic motivations, make them my own intrinsic motivations.
OK. So. What will I define as success, regarding 30 days of perfect nutrition? Think on that.
Joe Rogan, Jordan B Peterson, and Bret Weinstein this morning. I'm replaying many JBP podcasts, I just love the message. This quote around 1 hour 38 mins in stuck with me.
"Decide what your success is going to be and work hard in that direction"
I could quote JBP all day long here, the idea of taking responsibility, of bearing a burden as a way of finding meaning, of standing up straight with your shoulders back and facing your fears -- all paraphrased and maybe not exactly what he means -- but that's the message I get.
After yesterday's temper tantrum meltdown blowup, I'm in a better frame of mind. And like I was thinking yesterday, I need to face this fear (not sure what it is yet), stand up straight, decide what I'm going to consider 'success', and work hard in that direction.
Today I can articulate better why it's so hard to be told "you can't run". For me being able to run is the proxy way of saying "you are healthy". So if I can't run, that means the Themses think I'm not healthy. Are they right or wrong, I dunno.
But that's what I hear when he says "don't run". I hear, "something is wrong with you".
Nothing is wrong with me. Everything is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me.
So anyway. Back to the quote. Decide what your success is going to be.
Yesterday morning I would have said, my success will be going out for a run. After yesterday's appointment, I've had to rein that in. Actually I would have said, my success will be running the 2020 Hennepin 100. That's still a measure of success for me - it would be a return from the 2017 hip surgery, the 2018 heart attack, and the 2019 hip stress fracture. It would be a return from the 2015 nutrition disaster, the 2014 life stress, and I could keep going back, but at some point I need to look forward.
Success for me, will be running again. Even if a mile. But to run again. Let's just start there.
OK, so, work hard in that direction. What will it take to run again.
---30 days of perfect nutrition
---30 days of no pain and healing
---30 days of movement and mobility and strength building
(30 days, as in, the next Dr L appointment)
OK break that down. No pain and healing will mean NOT RUNNING (even though I'm sure I'll find a few days to jog a bit or test things out a few mins at a time). Movement, mobility, and strength are already "on the calendar" as something I track as a goal. I'm using the hip surgery PT and movements to get started.
Those goals aren't my problem right now. The nutrition is the problem. As of this moment, I'm in a big change for nutrition, and I've been pushing for this change, and yet I'm not changing.
Years and years and ?? how much more of nutrition problems. Like I said yesterday, it's not the moon phase or a date or an event or anything that will bring this change. It's me.
Yesterday I'm told I need 30 days of perfect nutrition, and within minutes I decide to have a bar of dark chocolate for lunch. That's not a lunch. That's a stress response, I'll concede that point. And one error is not a ruin for 30 days. But it's an example of the conflict in my head.
Instead of embracing the need to change, accepting the motivation for 30 days, I fight against it.
I'm told I should eat dairy for my bones, and I decide I hate yogurt because "I should eat it" and I'm not eating it because I want to but only because I'm supposed to.
I'm told egg yolks aren't good for my cholesterol, and I decide to eat 1 a day anyway but I hate the egg yolk for it.
I'm told to eat more, so I do to the point of feeling sick, and win nothing for it.
Jen McD suggested that I just accept that there are some things I should eat because they are good for me. Instead of fighting the extrinsic motivations, make them my own intrinsic motivations.
OK. So. What will I define as success, regarding 30 days of perfect nutrition? Think on that.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
I can't run so I biked until I bled and I feel better for it
COMMUTE 2 miles, to from Fo Pa
BIKE 70 mins and 17.9 miles
Felt "off" all morning, I slept in and the time change and the fact that it was dark and raining in the morning, and the appt with Dr L and the fact that I didn't feel like swimming or walking or biking or anything.
Mental case.
So I did walk the dog and leave to run appt to the vet and the library. Happily I resisted a halloween treat from the vet, so tempting but silly to log that in my nutrition log, now that I have accountability there. How would I justify that? While waiting for the library to open I got my walk in around the Hampton neighborhood, only 25 mins but listening to Jordan Peterson with Joe Rogan was great. Then with some extra time got milk for my kefir and more eggs since I ate the rest of my hard boiled ones with brekkie. I got some dark chocolate as recommended by the nutritionist. This seems silly to mention but it does come back to the story later.
I'm happy bouncing into Dr L, hoping I can run but having a weird feeling about it. He asks about my load -- what I've been doing and I say walking and just tested some biking, no bone pain just the hip flexor-area pain. He asks if I'm looking into the metabolic issues (he'd made that recommendation in my last appointment) and I said I'm working with Jen McD. Said I'd only met with her last week, not really into big changes yet, but she pointed out some deficiencies. He said this was good, that I have some "inflammation" somewhere causing problems (I put that in quotes because that's such a buzz word thrown around and it's so different from what I see as inflammation at work and it seems like such a meaninglessly used word nowadays for something "bad") and I need to get that worked out. He works on my hip, quads, etc, everything does feel better and the pain from the pressure actually felt good.
At the end I ask, can I run again. Answer was no. FUCK. He said things need to get to where there's no pain, to where when I do run again I don't start damaging things because the muscles can't hold up. He'd like to see 30 days of perfect nutrition between now and the next appointment, then decided.
By this time, my head is spinning. I hear what he's saying, I say it's motivation, I act OK, I talk to Debbie on the way out, but all I hear is a drowning buzz of panic. At the truck I check my phone find the results from Dr McC posted, those aren't good either. The buzz grows, in surrounds, it's all I can do to not scream and cry out and punch something. But I act OK and drive off.
And in a moment of stress I grab for the chocolate bar, it's in my meal plan I figure so why not. I was told to "eat more dark chocolate" but I don't think they meant like this, haha! I drive back to campus and most of the bar is gone, some in me and more out the window and I got tired of it. Then in a moment of self punishment I threw away and ate and M the rest of the other bar. Self punishment in that it made me feel sick afterwards. The rest to the garbage. Self punishment in that now I wont' be hungry for my real meal of salmon and blue-cheese olives, the real food I'm supposed to be eating in this 30 days of perfect nutrition.
5 minutes into my 30 days and I self sabotage it. Now I'm really extra sick to my stomach. I bike into work up the hill and my coworker could see the stress. I'm pacing in the lab. Back and forth and fretting and sick and buzzing and panicked. Decided to start my PCR then go for a bike ride. PCR then Tool in my ears and out, the goal three loops.
I wanted 3 loops hard. I wanted to feel my heart pound and threaten another heart attack and I wanted to dance with the chance that I'd have another and I wanted to feel it crack open. Then I'd have a REAL reason that I couldn't run, not this fake reason about being deficient in copper folate iron and calcium because that's such fake fuckery and it's not the reason why that's just what they say.
I'm in a whirl of emotions. First loop is just the opening act and I'm loving the sunshine and the sound of blood competing with Fear Inoculum in my brain and I'm waiting for some hurt -- heart or otherwise -- and some reason to stop but I can't and no hill or headwind or heart attack can.
Finally in the second loop I get what I needed. I went down in a turn on some gravel. I wasn't going fast, I didn't try to go down but I needed it and enjoyed it and got back up in a second and took off again knowing that in the 3rd loop I'd take that turn to the Victorian bridge just as fast and just as stupid and just as dumb as before as if to prove I could. I don't hurt, I don't feel anything.
I'm not trying hard enough. I tell myself that when the moon changes and when my birthday comes and when the moon changes again things will change but they won't. They won't change until I do.
I feel like control is taken from me by all these doctors with their diagnoses and meds and tests and results and mandates. But why do I fight it when I could embrace the changes and advices and what they say and take control back from them by making those changes my end goal and instead of fighting what they say I could fight the issues instead. Don't be mad that Dr L says I can't run, but be mad that I make lunch a chocolate bar. Don't put energy out uselessly in a manic stress frenzy but sit back and flow chart your way into good decisions. There's nothing wrong with the chocolate bar, it's HOW I ate the chocolate bar in a way of saying FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU I'm going to do what I want within the bounds I have they said I could eat chocolate so I will and besides who binges on salmon and olives?
But I don't gain anything from it. Here I sit typing like crazy to think this through while my left hand bleeds at the knuckle, my elbow tingles from whatever damages I did to it, and my left knee swells and bleeds through my torn black yoga pants. I needed that. I didn't need it. I'm going to run anyway. I'm going to be perfect the next 30 days. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Think and come back to it. See if your PCR worked. Check the mice. Get something to drink. Take a breath.
---------
OK I took a 1 minute breath. Not what I meant to do. I can't stop thinking. My heart still beating from the bike ride, my hands still shaking. I still hear that buzz.
When I walk my left hip hurts, the pubic bone, but I know that's in my head.
---------
I want something. But I don't know what.
I want to escape, from what I don't know.
I want to go somewhere else, but there's place I want to be.
I want out. I want more. I want less.
I think I just need a nap, haha!!
Come back to this later. Right now just get calm.
BIKE 70 mins and 17.9 miles
Felt "off" all morning, I slept in and the time change and the fact that it was dark and raining in the morning, and the appt with Dr L and the fact that I didn't feel like swimming or walking or biking or anything.
Mental case.
So I did walk the dog and leave to run appt to the vet and the library. Happily I resisted a halloween treat from the vet, so tempting but silly to log that in my nutrition log, now that I have accountability there. How would I justify that? While waiting for the library to open I got my walk in around the Hampton neighborhood, only 25 mins but listening to Jordan Peterson with Joe Rogan was great. Then with some extra time got milk for my kefir and more eggs since I ate the rest of my hard boiled ones with brekkie. I got some dark chocolate as recommended by the nutritionist. This seems silly to mention but it does come back to the story later.
I'm happy bouncing into Dr L, hoping I can run but having a weird feeling about it. He asks about my load -- what I've been doing and I say walking and just tested some biking, no bone pain just the hip flexor-area pain. He asks if I'm looking into the metabolic issues (he'd made that recommendation in my last appointment) and I said I'm working with Jen McD. Said I'd only met with her last week, not really into big changes yet, but she pointed out some deficiencies. He said this was good, that I have some "inflammation" somewhere causing problems (I put that in quotes because that's such a buzz word thrown around and it's so different from what I see as inflammation at work and it seems like such a meaninglessly used word nowadays for something "bad") and I need to get that worked out. He works on my hip, quads, etc, everything does feel better and the pain from the pressure actually felt good.
At the end I ask, can I run again. Answer was no. FUCK. He said things need to get to where there's no pain, to where when I do run again I don't start damaging things because the muscles can't hold up. He'd like to see 30 days of perfect nutrition between now and the next appointment, then decided.
By this time, my head is spinning. I hear what he's saying, I say it's motivation, I act OK, I talk to Debbie on the way out, but all I hear is a drowning buzz of panic. At the truck I check my phone find the results from Dr McC posted, those aren't good either. The buzz grows, in surrounds, it's all I can do to not scream and cry out and punch something. But I act OK and drive off.
And in a moment of stress I grab for the chocolate bar, it's in my meal plan I figure so why not. I was told to "eat more dark chocolate" but I don't think they meant like this, haha! I drive back to campus and most of the bar is gone, some in me and more out the window and I got tired of it. Then in a moment of self punishment I threw away and ate and M the rest of the other bar. Self punishment in that it made me feel sick afterwards. The rest to the garbage. Self punishment in that now I wont' be hungry for my real meal of salmon and blue-cheese olives, the real food I'm supposed to be eating in this 30 days of perfect nutrition.
5 minutes into my 30 days and I self sabotage it. Now I'm really extra sick to my stomach. I bike into work up the hill and my coworker could see the stress. I'm pacing in the lab. Back and forth and fretting and sick and buzzing and panicked. Decided to start my PCR then go for a bike ride. PCR then Tool in my ears and out, the goal three loops.
I wanted 3 loops hard. I wanted to feel my heart pound and threaten another heart attack and I wanted to dance with the chance that I'd have another and I wanted to feel it crack open. Then I'd have a REAL reason that I couldn't run, not this fake reason about being deficient in copper folate iron and calcium because that's such fake fuckery and it's not the reason why that's just what they say.
I'm in a whirl of emotions. First loop is just the opening act and I'm loving the sunshine and the sound of blood competing with Fear Inoculum in my brain and I'm waiting for some hurt -- heart or otherwise -- and some reason to stop but I can't and no hill or headwind or heart attack can.
Finally in the second loop I get what I needed. I went down in a turn on some gravel. I wasn't going fast, I didn't try to go down but I needed it and enjoyed it and got back up in a second and took off again knowing that in the 3rd loop I'd take that turn to the Victorian bridge just as fast and just as stupid and just as dumb as before as if to prove I could. I don't hurt, I don't feel anything.
I'm not trying hard enough. I tell myself that when the moon changes and when my birthday comes and when the moon changes again things will change but they won't. They won't change until I do.
I feel like control is taken from me by all these doctors with their diagnoses and meds and tests and results and mandates. But why do I fight it when I could embrace the changes and advices and what they say and take control back from them by making those changes my end goal and instead of fighting what they say I could fight the issues instead. Don't be mad that Dr L says I can't run, but be mad that I make lunch a chocolate bar. Don't put energy out uselessly in a manic stress frenzy but sit back and flow chart your way into good decisions. There's nothing wrong with the chocolate bar, it's HOW I ate the chocolate bar in a way of saying FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU I'm going to do what I want within the bounds I have they said I could eat chocolate so I will and besides who binges on salmon and olives?
But I don't gain anything from it. Here I sit typing like crazy to think this through while my left hand bleeds at the knuckle, my elbow tingles from whatever damages I did to it, and my left knee swells and bleeds through my torn black yoga pants. I needed that. I didn't need it. I'm going to run anyway. I'm going to be perfect the next 30 days. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Think and come back to it. See if your PCR worked. Check the mice. Get something to drink. Take a breath.
---------
OK I took a 1 minute breath. Not what I meant to do. I can't stop thinking. My heart still beating from the bike ride, my hands still shaking. I still hear that buzz.
When I walk my left hip hurts, the pubic bone, but I know that's in my head.
---------
I want something. But I don't know what.
I want to escape, from what I don't know.
I want to go somewhere else, but there's place I want to be.
I want out. I want more. I want less.
I think I just need a nap, haha!!
Come back to this later. Right now just get calm.
Monday, November 4, 2019
I got a plan
BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles fuck yeah
I have a plan. No surprise, right? In fact, I have THREE plans to pick from.
A triathlon plan! (And an ultra marathon plan for the 2020 Hennepin, but that's a separate issue) (oh, and as per my plan for that, it starts THIS WEEK) (tomorrow to be specific, hahahahaha, paging Dr L....)
Ok what was I saying? Oh yeah, I have a plan. A sprint tri, a beginner's olympic, and an intermediate olympic. The sprint tri is 8 weeks, would get me through to the new year. The others are 12 week. I don't see much difference between the two oly plans, they seem similar.
So I picked the sprint tri as a place to just get started. I am kinda starting over as it regards to triathlons. I mean, I haven't seen the pool since....February?
The first workout is a swim. Today, if I'm following the schedule. It's about 4:30pm and I didn't make it to the pool. Yet?
Am I serious about this?
I have a plan. No surprise, right? In fact, I have THREE plans to pick from.
A triathlon plan! (And an ultra marathon plan for the 2020 Hennepin, but that's a separate issue) (oh, and as per my plan for that, it starts THIS WEEK) (tomorrow to be specific, hahahahaha, paging Dr L....)
Ok what was I saying? Oh yeah, I have a plan. A sprint tri, a beginner's olympic, and an intermediate olympic. The sprint tri is 8 weeks, would get me through to the new year. The others are 12 week. I don't see much difference between the two oly plans, they seem similar.
So I picked the sprint tri as a place to just get started. I am kinda starting over as it regards to triathlons. I mean, I haven't seen the pool since....February?
The first workout is a swim. Today, if I'm following the schedule. It's about 4:30pm and I didn't make it to the pool. Yet?
Am I serious about this?
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Weekend working and WALK/JOG!!
Saturday BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Sunday WALK/JOG 3.37 total, 0.67 miles 'run'
Sure feels good to be biking :) Not so good to be cold, but I'll adapt.
Worked all weekend, of course. But got lots done.
--------
Yesterday (Saturday) I received via email the first feedback from the nutritionist. Some nutrients of concern and suggested foods: folate, iron, copper, and calcium. Recommended to include more dark chocolate, greens, tofu if tolerated, fish, and a few more.
Included were two example days incorporating the foods from my "tolerate" list, and added in nuts, more chocolate, greens. I tried some dark chocolate covered ginger (they was yuck) and some dark chocolate-covered gran marnier (LA) pecans (yum but too yum, ugh), so I'm opting instead for baking cocoa for the nutrients, it's good in yogurt.
I lack imagination and motivation to plan more so I'm just going to alternate the 2 example days sent to me. I'm doing the potato starch (1/2 t/day right now) and started the probiotics yesterday. My appetite is almost nothing, not sure why.
--------
BIG NEWS! During a gel run (haha, no pun intended) I went for a walk/jog in FoPa. I did 5' walk and 1' jog, 6 times for the totals above. The pace was around 9-10m/m, cadence low in the 160's. But that's not the point! I RAN HOLY SHIT IT FELT GREAT!
I see Dr L on Tuesday, and I get to say 'no pain' and it's true, no pain in the bone. But the soft tissues in both hips have been bothersome, before the running and biking. This has been going on a while now. Hip flexors? Not sure, I'll ask.
Damn it felt good. More please!
Sunday WALK/JOG 3.37 total, 0.67 miles 'run'
Sure feels good to be biking :) Not so good to be cold, but I'll adapt.
Worked all weekend, of course. But got lots done.
--------
Yesterday (Saturday) I received via email the first feedback from the nutritionist. Some nutrients of concern and suggested foods: folate, iron, copper, and calcium. Recommended to include more dark chocolate, greens, tofu if tolerated, fish, and a few more.
Included were two example days incorporating the foods from my "tolerate" list, and added in nuts, more chocolate, greens. I tried some dark chocolate covered ginger (they was yuck) and some dark chocolate-covered gran marnier (LA) pecans (yum but too yum, ugh), so I'm opting instead for baking cocoa for the nutrients, it's good in yogurt.
I lack imagination and motivation to plan more so I'm just going to alternate the 2 example days sent to me. I'm doing the potato starch (1/2 t/day right now) and started the probiotics yesterday. My appetite is almost nothing, not sure why.
--------
BIG NEWS! During a gel run (haha, no pun intended) I went for a walk/jog in FoPa. I did 5' walk and 1' jog, 6 times for the totals above. The pace was around 9-10m/m, cadence low in the 160's. But that's not the point! I RAN HOLY SHIT IT FELT GREAT!
I see Dr L on Tuesday, and I get to say 'no pain' and it's true, no pain in the bone. But the soft tissues in both hips have been bothersome, before the running and biking. This has been going on a while now. Hip flexors? Not sure, I'll ask.
Damn it felt good. More please!
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Happy Halloween, eat some resistant starch
NOTHINGNESS except walking
Rain yesterday and some of day. Even some snow today in the morning. Combined with appointments yesterday and today that required driving, I ended up walking to and from the parking lot.
I realized a little bit ago that this counts and "Phase I: Walking Program" input: must be able to walk pain free, aggressively, (~4.2-5.2 mph)...before beginning the plyometric and walk/jog program.
When not walking the dog, I walk. This walk isn't long, but here I was thinking "golly I need to get to the gym for some treadmill too see if it hurts" but not necessarily, I'm getting walking in and it doesn't hurt. I confess to even jogging ever so little the last few days. Across the street. Down the hill to parking. Along the block on they way to sushi last night.
Gawd it felt so good. To move, to feel the wind, to be coordinated and alive and whole.
Yesterday was appt at SLU with Dr McM. I like her, this appointment was painless. In more ways than one. But it'll be even better once the results come back. I'm not expecting anything, but we've all seen how shit goes down around here.
Today's appt was with JennMcD - the nutritionist recommended by the ortho Dr after my recent stress fracture. I almost cancelled this. I really wanted to. What did I have to gain? I've already put so much research and time and testing into my nutrition. What did I have to lose? Well, money. And you we've all seen how that influences shit around here.
Side note - the 1st floor thermostat said 50F this morning and I still don't have the heat one. Money, yo.
We reviewed my history of foods, from when I was 15 and sick after lunch in biology class to the recent abandonment of my "heart healthy" diet last month. A solid 20 minutes and I still didn't hit all the bases. A number of points came up, interwoven together, and I'll hit them separately.
1. Try resistant starches. I've been avoiding these because they essentially ferment in the gut and wasn't that the whole problem to begin with? ResStar (you won't find me using the abbreviation here) promote the "good" bacteria in the colon with many miraculous and trendy health benefits as the outcome. Anything from lower cholesterol, improved insulin sensitivity, increased bone mass, decreased inflammation and leaky gut, increased satiety, weight loss, regrowth of amputated limbs (ok kidding) all listed as reasons to eat it. Of course all this pedaled out by those selling the shit. I have papers and PubMed up, reading on it. But it's probably safe to say that I could buy a Bob's Red Mill package as recommended and give it a try and see how it goes before I can finish reading about it.
2. Share a food log. So I set up Cronometer, I already have the app and I like it.
3. My food list isn't as restrictive as I think it is. My protein levels are great, fat low but OK, fiber OK. She seems mostly focused about the carbs with all the training. The upcoming training I mean. But she recognizes that being low carb is working better for me.
4. Try brown rice (cooled), green peppers, and a few others. I think more will follow on this. Rice. Yuck. Chewy little nuggets of sticky flavorless ugh. Can I eat it with butter?
5. My goals: validation of what I'm eating, find a way to heal, and expand my food choices if possible.
I got into the mental issues I'm having -- the resistance to the extrinsic reasons of why I should eat this or that (like dairy, grains, etc) because "it's healthy", how I don't like eating and wish I could just take a pill, how I don't enjoy food and feel a slave to it.
She pointed out something that I'll take to heart - that I should just accept that I need to eat some of these foods, like dairy, because there's a reason behind it. Fair statement, and it give me control back of my choices.
I didn't get into the bad eating habits -- standing at the counter top, not eating a real meal and instead munching, the tendencies to get in the groove of eating one food and cleaning the container out in less than a day (PB, CW, the like), the habit of just eating food out of the container with a spoon, the M.
Speaking of M, gone for now. Full week. Moved out. Haven't seen him. Fucker.
And didn't get into my final goal of body recomposition. I don't want to make this a weight loss/recomposition thing but maybe my 3rd goal of it is. I've gained weight eating foods I don't like and being injured. This doesn't feel like my body -- strong and flexible and adaptable -- not so much the weight but the feel of how I feel. How to say this. I don't feel strong. The extra weight not helping. I gained weight because I was told I 'needed to' and because 'it would be healthy' and well fuck that shit because here I am with weight gain still injured and feeling worse.
So my goals:
Better eating habits
Confirmation/validation/adjustment of food choices for health
Body recomposition
Rain yesterday and some of day. Even some snow today in the morning. Combined with appointments yesterday and today that required driving, I ended up walking to and from the parking lot.
I realized a little bit ago that this counts and "Phase I: Walking Program" input: must be able to walk pain free, aggressively, (~4.2-5.2 mph)...before beginning the plyometric and walk/jog program.
When not walking the dog, I walk. This walk isn't long, but here I was thinking "golly I need to get to the gym for some treadmill too see if it hurts" but not necessarily, I'm getting walking in and it doesn't hurt. I confess to even jogging ever so little the last few days. Across the street. Down the hill to parking. Along the block on they way to sushi last night.
Gawd it felt so good. To move, to feel the wind, to be coordinated and alive and whole.
Yesterday was appt at SLU with Dr McM. I like her, this appointment was painless. In more ways than one. But it'll be even better once the results come back. I'm not expecting anything, but we've all seen how shit goes down around here.
Today's appt was with JennMcD - the nutritionist recommended by the ortho Dr after my recent stress fracture. I almost cancelled this. I really wanted to. What did I have to gain? I've already put so much research and time and testing into my nutrition. What did I have to lose? Well, money. And you we've all seen how that influences shit around here.
Side note - the 1st floor thermostat said 50F this morning and I still don't have the heat one. Money, yo.
We reviewed my history of foods, from when I was 15 and sick after lunch in biology class to the recent abandonment of my "heart healthy" diet last month. A solid 20 minutes and I still didn't hit all the bases. A number of points came up, interwoven together, and I'll hit them separately.
1. Try resistant starches. I've been avoiding these because they essentially ferment in the gut and wasn't that the whole problem to begin with? ResStar (you won't find me using the abbreviation here) promote the "good" bacteria in the colon with many miraculous and trendy health benefits as the outcome. Anything from lower cholesterol, improved insulin sensitivity, increased bone mass, decreased inflammation and leaky gut, increased satiety, weight loss, regrowth of amputated limbs (ok kidding) all listed as reasons to eat it. Of course all this pedaled out by those selling the shit. I have papers and PubMed up, reading on it. But it's probably safe to say that I could buy a Bob's Red Mill package as recommended and give it a try and see how it goes before I can finish reading about it.
2. Share a food log. So I set up Cronometer, I already have the app and I like it.
3. My food list isn't as restrictive as I think it is. My protein levels are great, fat low but OK, fiber OK. She seems mostly focused about the carbs with all the training. The upcoming training I mean. But she recognizes that being low carb is working better for me.
4. Try brown rice (cooled), green peppers, and a few others. I think more will follow on this. Rice. Yuck. Chewy little nuggets of sticky flavorless ugh. Can I eat it with butter?
5. My goals: validation of what I'm eating, find a way to heal, and expand my food choices if possible.
I got into the mental issues I'm having -- the resistance to the extrinsic reasons of why I should eat this or that (like dairy, grains, etc) because "it's healthy", how I don't like eating and wish I could just take a pill, how I don't enjoy food and feel a slave to it.
She pointed out something that I'll take to heart - that I should just accept that I need to eat some of these foods, like dairy, because there's a reason behind it. Fair statement, and it give me control back of my choices.
I didn't get into the bad eating habits -- standing at the counter top, not eating a real meal and instead munching, the tendencies to get in the groove of eating one food and cleaning the container out in less than a day (PB, CW, the like), the habit of just eating food out of the container with a spoon, the M.
Speaking of M, gone for now. Full week. Moved out. Haven't seen him. Fucker.
And didn't get into my final goal of body recomposition. I don't want to make this a weight loss/recomposition thing but maybe my 3rd goal of it is. I've gained weight eating foods I don't like and being injured. This doesn't feel like my body -- strong and flexible and adaptable -- not so much the weight but the feel of how I feel. How to say this. I don't feel strong. The extra weight not helping. I gained weight because I was told I 'needed to' and because 'it would be healthy' and well fuck that shit because here I am with weight gain still injured and feeling worse.
So my goals:
Better eating habits
Confirmation/validation/adjustment of food choices for health
Body recomposition
Monday, October 28, 2019
I BIKED TO WORK! YAY!
BIKE COMMUTE 9.2 miles
Lemme say it again. I BIKE TO WORK! (W^ERK!) WOOOOO!!
I told myself I'd take it easy, not push anything. But that idea was gone as soon as I left the alley. Raced cars. Buzzed corners. Heart rate happy. Legs burning.
Oh Gawd Damn, I love it.
Tower Grove Park was colorful and bright and empty and fast.
Tower Grove Ave has some new potholes in the bike lane just north of Magnolia.
Tower Grove Ave southbound has been repainted to have a left, straight, bike, and right turn lane.
Tower Grove Ave southbound repaved near Shaw where all the bumps were in the bike lane.
It's like they knew I was coming, and got stuff ready for me.
-----
In a separate topic, coworker AH went to Dr M for some back pain. He told me later that Dr M remembered me, was glad to hear I was still training, and that running a 100K on a stress fracture "sounded about right". hahahahahahaha
Lemme say it again. I BIKE TO WORK! (W^ERK!) WOOOOO!!
I told myself I'd take it easy, not push anything. But that idea was gone as soon as I left the alley. Raced cars. Buzzed corners. Heart rate happy. Legs burning.
Oh Gawd Damn, I love it.
Tower Grove Park was colorful and bright and empty and fast.
Tower Grove Ave has some new potholes in the bike lane just north of Magnolia.
Tower Grove Ave southbound has been repainted to have a left, straight, bike, and right turn lane.
Tower Grove Ave southbound repaved near Shaw where all the bumps were in the bike lane.
It's like they knew I was coming, and got stuff ready for me.
-----
In a separate topic, coworker AH went to Dr M for some back pain. He told me later that Dr M remembered me, was glad to hear I was still training, and that running a 100K on a stress fracture "sounded about right". hahahahahahaha
Sunday, October 27, 2019
I did a bike ride!
BIKE 13-ish miles in just over an hour
As much as I don't understand why you'd stop a bike ride to take pictures, I do appreciate that LA stopped to take pictures like the one above. Like TV says, gotta stop and APPRECIATE.
I worked all weekend, haven't had a day off yet since I came back from H100 on the 7th. Getting lots done, don't feel burned out, but still. So when I got out 'early' at 2pm Sunday I just had to get a ride in. Sunny, warm, and beautiful out.
LA was up for a ride, so after checking on the dog and grabbing the bike I came back to meet him. Two loops of FoPa, I'm still careful on the bumps and still getting used to the fact that my new bike shoes hit the front wheel in a turn (ugh), but the pubic bone feels good. No pain at night, no ache.
I tried a persimmon, thanks to LA. My new favorite fruit, yum!
Running soon!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Friday, October 25, 2019
Birthday bacon, birthday fish, birthday bike, and birthday steak!
COMMUTE 1 mile
Happy Birthday to me!
What a day, I'd love to relive it all here but I'll hit the highlights. Which means I'll relive it all :)
Up early for Country Bob's breakfast buffet with LA. Worth the 80-ish min drive for that bacon. I wanted to pay, but he took the receipt. When I got it back, he just went to the counter to pay. Not fair, I wanted it!
Back to lab after checking on the dog, PCR time. The lab got me a card (signed with drag names too!) a pack of HK tattoos, a gift card, and oh the best a can of mackerel with a candle stuck in it. I laughed until I cried, the best!
I was pretty upset-tummy all morning and afternoon, from the breakfast. LA got me some fruit from the happy hour, that's all I would tolerate. Gotta fix this. Or eat less bacon. Hmmmm.
Then a bike ride!! At night!! A loop around FP with LA. Before we left, SO is texting me, he was bringing me a steak. I was torn between the options, but wanted the ride and needed it and craved it. All during the ride, SO texting, I felt awful about it but I made my choice. LA and I talked awhile, I could have talked all night but he offered ice cream. Ugh, he has iron gut so lucky. We ended up at Dressel's for potato chips. When I go out, the anxiety is there, lurking, and sometimes rears its head.
At breakfast, he'd asked if I was "going to get over it", not sure how in-depth that was meant to be. But I took it as a sign that I needed to just STFU and HTFU and get over it. I couldn't at dinner though, between being tired and sick and all I couldn't keep a good face. Love that he seemed to roll with it, I need to learn that trick. To just roll with it.
So many goals for this year, I always put a few goals in my birthday post. No more M and a little more A. See the nutritionist. Get strong. Get running. Get normal. Are these goals? haha. Love you bee!
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Up and Down, Round and Round
Still just BIKE 2 miles a day
Wow it's been a week?! Not much to say. I've worked full days all October since coming back from H100. Weekends and all, like normal days. Busy bee, just how I like it. But the time flies and already it's almost the end of October.
Today at lunch with TV we sat south of McM building in the sun. Gardeners were winterizing the sprinklers. It was 70F degrees and full sun. I hope the butterfly in today's chrysalis gets out safely. Monday's butterfly didn't make it. SO says my remaining two green chyrsalides in the house are probably OK, he's released as late as end of November.
Last night and another few nights the hip bone aches in bed. It might ache all day long, but the signal:noise covers it? Drives me crazy, keeps me awake.
M left but came back both weekend nights. And I was sick from it. Just when I was starting to see some change on Friday, a positive benefit, he's back. He's gone again now last day or two and I'm again starting to feel better. SOB.
I want so bad to run. I want so much to bike. I want to be normal.
I found a nutritionist, the one recommended by the orthopedics doc. I'm filling out the assessment forms and a few days of food log. The log asks to rate hunger on a 0-5 scale. Yesterday while I was swollen and sick I wasn't much hungry at all. Today was better. I'm becoming aware of how much I eat "because I should". I "should" eat dairy. I "should" eat more. This has to be contributing to how overstuffed I feel sometimes?
When I see a runner in Forest Park, I can feel the path they are one. The surface, the incline, the next turn. This kept happening when I met LA in the park after work last friday (before we went for Chinese, my first chinese restaurant meal I think!?). I'd see a runner and just lose track of the present moment.
Over the weekend I had a flash memory of me with Frea, on a highway in Illinois, with cars passing and a long left curve ahead of me. I know that road, it's in my head. But I'm not sure where on the map. I miss it. I ache for it.
I picked up the 2014 blog book and re-read October. Five years ago. And what will I be five years from now?
Wow it's been a week?! Not much to say. I've worked full days all October since coming back from H100. Weekends and all, like normal days. Busy bee, just how I like it. But the time flies and already it's almost the end of October.
Today at lunch with TV we sat south of McM building in the sun. Gardeners were winterizing the sprinklers. It was 70F degrees and full sun. I hope the butterfly in today's chrysalis gets out safely. Monday's butterfly didn't make it. SO says my remaining two green chyrsalides in the house are probably OK, he's released as late as end of November.
Last night and another few nights the hip bone aches in bed. It might ache all day long, but the signal:noise covers it? Drives me crazy, keeps me awake.
M left but came back both weekend nights. And I was sick from it. Just when I was starting to see some change on Friday, a positive benefit, he's back. He's gone again now last day or two and I'm again starting to feel better. SOB.
I want so bad to run. I want so much to bike. I want to be normal.
I found a nutritionist, the one recommended by the orthopedics doc. I'm filling out the assessment forms and a few days of food log. The log asks to rate hunger on a 0-5 scale. Yesterday while I was swollen and sick I wasn't much hungry at all. Today was better. I'm becoming aware of how much I eat "because I should". I "should" eat dairy. I "should" eat more. This has to be contributing to how overstuffed I feel sometimes?
When I see a runner in Forest Park, I can feel the path they are one. The surface, the incline, the next turn. This kept happening when I met LA in the park after work last friday (before we went for Chinese, my first chinese restaurant meal I think!?). I'd see a runner and just lose track of the present moment.
Over the weekend I had a flash memory of me with Frea, on a highway in Illinois, with cars passing and a long left curve ahead of me. I know that road, it's in my head. But I'm not sure where on the map. I miss it. I ache for it.
I picked up the 2014 blog book and re-read October. Five years ago. And what will I be five years from now?
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Hip bone ache again
COMMUTE 2 fucking miles
A few injury notes. First something mild niggly in a left side mid-ab. Started a day or two ago (core syn, anyone?) but I only notice in a crunch motion. Not any other time.
Last night the bone ached again, enough to keep me awake from distraction. A sharp ache near the symphysis then a dull ache along the bone radiating out laterally.
Should I be on crutches again? Is the 2 fucking miles too much? I've been go go go at work at such lately, walking around like nuts. Got my average step count up to ... 10808. Still no stairs at work.
Doing lunges though in the core syn. That's about the only time it hurts, not when walking or sitting or standing.
Also too it's quiet at night, I can do my Review of Systems and maybe this ache is there all the time, hidden in the noise of the day?
A few injury notes. First something mild niggly in a left side mid-ab. Started a day or two ago (core syn, anyone?) but I only notice in a crunch motion. Not any other time.
Last night the bone ached again, enough to keep me awake from distraction. A sharp ache near the symphysis then a dull ache along the bone radiating out laterally.
Should I be on crutches again? Is the 2 fucking miles too much? I've been go go go at work at such lately, walking around like nuts. Got my average step count up to ... 10808. Still no stairs at work.
Doing lunges though in the core syn. That's about the only time it hurts, not when walking or sitting or standing.
Also too it's quiet at night, I can do my Review of Systems and maybe this ache is there all the time, hidden in the noise of the day?
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Frah-gee-lay
COMMUTE still 2 miles or so from FoPa
Gawd it feels so nice outside, and I really should take a half day to get some stuff done outside of work! I 'banked' 15 hours over the weekend, should cash in on that before it gets chilly. Take Puppy to the MCTs maybe? I'd love to, but.... Go for a walking hike on Chubb? I'd love to, but...
Fucking hip injury. The bone itself has not hurt since my Dr L visit. That's great new IMO. But I have very noteworthy and bilateral (!) soft tissue pain. I'm not sure what it is -- it's the outer-yet-still anterior sides of the hip, an anatomy map puts in near or in the tensor fasciae latea or the anterior superior iliac spine part of the pelvic bone that connects the the sartorius. Now I'm also having anterior quad pain, and if I had to guess the sartorius or rector femoris. Again this is all me looking at a muscle map and saying "it hurts right about ... here".
It hurts to climb stairs. It hurts to stretch out after sitting. I have a noticable limp many times.
Does this pain have to go away before I can run or bike again? Fucking sucks.
Dealing with this gives me a feeling of fragility, a word that came up in a podcast, referring to caregivers and doctors who "fragilize" the patient. This might be the best word to describe why I feel so resentful of having to take meds, have multiple doctor visits and appointments, and all the tests. They remind me that I have fragilities. Every one does. I just don't deal with them very well.
Gawd it feels so nice outside, and I really should take a half day to get some stuff done outside of work! I 'banked' 15 hours over the weekend, should cash in on that before it gets chilly. Take Puppy to the MCTs maybe? I'd love to, but.... Go for a walking hike on Chubb? I'd love to, but...
Fucking hip injury. The bone itself has not hurt since my Dr L visit. That's great new IMO. But I have very noteworthy and bilateral (!) soft tissue pain. I'm not sure what it is -- it's the outer-yet-still anterior sides of the hip, an anatomy map puts in near or in the tensor fasciae latea or the anterior superior iliac spine part of the pelvic bone that connects the the sartorius. Now I'm also having anterior quad pain, and if I had to guess the sartorius or rector femoris. Again this is all me looking at a muscle map and saying "it hurts right about ... here".
It hurts to climb stairs. It hurts to stretch out after sitting. I have a noticable limp many times.
Does this pain have to go away before I can run or bike again? Fucking sucks.
Dealing with this gives me a feeling of fragility, a word that came up in a podcast, referring to caregivers and doctors who "fragilize" the patient. This might be the best word to describe why I feel so resentful of having to take meds, have multiple doctor visits and appointments, and all the tests. They remind me that I have fragilities. Every one does. I just don't deal with them very well.
Monday, October 14, 2019
It's Monday and it's GORGEOUS outside and I'm at work!
COMMUTE 2 miles
last night STRENGTH 45 mins or so of the Core Syn DVD
I'm still pretty weak on the core syn. I'm skipping the exercises that hit my lower back too hard, or rely on jumping on the hip. Are lunges OK on the hip? I'm trying to be careful.
Bizzy Bee today - 44 plates of titering, mouse transfer and tamoxifen, fix 35 plates of titering, KA got lots of PCR done....and I'm done here I need to get home!
Full moon so pretty last night. M still gone. But keeps knocking and peeping in the windows.
last night STRENGTH 45 mins or so of the Core Syn DVD
I'm still pretty weak on the core syn. I'm skipping the exercises that hit my lower back too hard, or rely on jumping on the hip. Are lunges OK on the hip? I'm trying to be careful.
Bizzy Bee today - 44 plates of titering, mouse transfer and tamoxifen, fix 35 plates of titering, KA got lots of PCR done....and I'm done here I need to get home!
Full moon so pretty last night. M still gone. But keeps knocking and peeping in the windows.
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Bizzy as a Bee, love it and don't love it
BIKE COMMUTE all days, just the two miles
Long days at work, I'm happy with that. Lots of mouse work, titering, etc, and that's what I love. But I'm not home with Sugar, not getting stuff done at the house, and lost some focus.
Not much else to day, just little things.
Was in lab 515am Friday to start a time course, I came home around 8am (when free parking ended) to tend and walk the dog. I found a monarch on my little deck table, on the pot that I let chrysalis butterflies eclose on! I don't think he's one of mine? But funny how he ended up where most of mine hatch. It was chilly out and he looked weak, so I brought him inside. Build up a little towel nest under the cabinets. As of Saturday, he still couldn't fly but I didn't get home until 430pm so that wasn't much time outside. As of Sunday (today) it's warm out but I'm at lab again, when I get home I'll put him out for another chance. A few more warm days this week for him. Today I did put a sugar-solutioned scrubbie in a bowl, he did drink on that but soon enough back up hanging on a towel.
Found a big fat caterpillar Saturday! So I have 2 chrysalis and 2 cats in the house. Ooooh it's gonna be cold for them.
Last night was craving ginger again and I was dehydrated from being in the mouse house so much. Off to Walmart for ginger ale, and a few other 2L that I don't want to be drinking. I drank the entire ginger ale here at lab in just 3 hours!? What's this crave? The ginger? Or the sweet? Or the fizzy?
Eating too much butternut and it has my gut a bit sore. Bloated and heavy. But dad's butternut only comes once a year. But I don't have to eat so much at once, 200-300g is normal for other people but not me.
Used up my protein powder last night, in a M, all gone and no more.
Driving home from Walmart last night I was feeling down, SO just ran a harvest moon race, LA leaving for Michigan trip, haven't heard much at all from training friends. Feeling down and alone. Then Tool comes on the radio, I text SO to tell him (I knew he might be driving) and a few secs later he calls to tell me. Haha, that made me feel better. That we both listened to the song together.
I'm one week into my "One year to H100" and already fell back into M habit. "but it's less" I think. And I think I need to rename the blerch into Belerian. Better fit.
"Recovery" is going still. No more bone pain like earlier this week. But I'm going nuts. Everyone else enjoying the fall weather, crisp and cool, yet so out of reach. And no biking yet either. Ugh.
Long days at work, I'm happy with that. Lots of mouse work, titering, etc, and that's what I love. But I'm not home with Sugar, not getting stuff done at the house, and lost some focus.
Not much else to day, just little things.
Was in lab 515am Friday to start a time course, I came home around 8am (when free parking ended) to tend and walk the dog. I found a monarch on my little deck table, on the pot that I let chrysalis butterflies eclose on! I don't think he's one of mine? But funny how he ended up where most of mine hatch. It was chilly out and he looked weak, so I brought him inside. Build up a little towel nest under the cabinets. As of Saturday, he still couldn't fly but I didn't get home until 430pm so that wasn't much time outside. As of Sunday (today) it's warm out but I'm at lab again, when I get home I'll put him out for another chance. A few more warm days this week for him. Today I did put a sugar-solutioned scrubbie in a bowl, he did drink on that but soon enough back up hanging on a towel.
Found a big fat caterpillar Saturday! So I have 2 chrysalis and 2 cats in the house. Ooooh it's gonna be cold for them.
Last night was craving ginger again and I was dehydrated from being in the mouse house so much. Off to Walmart for ginger ale, and a few other 2L that I don't want to be drinking. I drank the entire ginger ale here at lab in just 3 hours!? What's this crave? The ginger? Or the sweet? Or the fizzy?
Eating too much butternut and it has my gut a bit sore. Bloated and heavy. But dad's butternut only comes once a year. But I don't have to eat so much at once, 200-300g is normal for other people but not me.
Used up my protein powder last night, in a M, all gone and no more.
Driving home from Walmart last night I was feeling down, SO just ran a harvest moon race, LA leaving for Michigan trip, haven't heard much at all from training friends. Feeling down and alone. Then Tool comes on the radio, I text SO to tell him (I knew he might be driving) and a few secs later he calls to tell me. Haha, that made me feel better. That we both listened to the song together.
I'm one week into my "One year to H100" and already fell back into M habit. "but it's less" I think. And I think I need to rename the blerch into Belerian. Better fit.
"Recovery" is going still. No more bone pain like earlier this week. But I'm going nuts. Everyone else enjoying the fall weather, crisp and cool, yet so out of reach. And no biking yet either. Ugh.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
"I can see how it's frustrating"
COMMUTE 2 miles
STRENGTH 40-45 mins of Core Synergistics
Overnight I noted that the pubic bone ached. Just a little. Just enough to notice. And all the muscles and soft tissues around the right hip hurt. So I put in a call to Dr L (first time I've ever done this) to ask if this is OK, I kinda got the "it needs time and unloading" that I expected and felt stupid for asking. But if he's not worried then I'm not worried. I'm just in a mode of making sure I heal ASAP and trying to take control of this.
Control. Ugh. Whatever.
I did the Core Syn for my workout today, skipping anything that loaded the hip. I was terribly weak and clumsy on most of it. Hope that improves.
Last night I was skimming through the 2016 blog book and found an early entry about how my energy levels were off, didn't feel right, and GOD DAMN I still feel that way. WTF?! So that also kinda led to me calling Dr L too, that I need to be on top of this and not be such a pansy ass about asking.
Then lunch with TV. I told him about the reference yesterday to a Dr for the bioresonance scan. He agreed (as did most of the internet) that it's bull shit. There's something to it, probably just that you believe you're healing? I told him I'm going back to my old diet, eating beef and giving up dairy. I told him my doctors aren't going to like it, but too bad because I fired a bunch of them. And I just wish I knew what to do. His reply was the post title. Great answer, btw, one reason I love him.
Regarding the 4-5 options from yesterday, he said Occam's razor, and the simplest is a nutrition deficiency that weakened the bones. Whether it's ongoing or past is unknown.
I agree with that, but what do I do about it?
And my hip still hurts, to walk after sitting for a bit of time. I'm trying to not limp, like I see so many other people walking around limping.
And after my egg and carrot and mustard lunch my mouth burned like I'd eaten sandpaper or chewed on rocks? I though my carrots were a bit undercooked, is that it? Or an allergy to something? GOD DAMN IT.
STRENGTH 40-45 mins of Core Synergistics
Overnight I noted that the pubic bone ached. Just a little. Just enough to notice. And all the muscles and soft tissues around the right hip hurt. So I put in a call to Dr L (first time I've ever done this) to ask if this is OK, I kinda got the "it needs time and unloading" that I expected and felt stupid for asking. But if he's not worried then I'm not worried. I'm just in a mode of making sure I heal ASAP and trying to take control of this.
Control. Ugh. Whatever.
I did the Core Syn for my workout today, skipping anything that loaded the hip. I was terribly weak and clumsy on most of it. Hope that improves.
Last night I was skimming through the 2016 blog book and found an early entry about how my energy levels were off, didn't feel right, and GOD DAMN I still feel that way. WTF?! So that also kinda led to me calling Dr L too, that I need to be on top of this and not be such a pansy ass about asking.
Then lunch with TV. I told him about the reference yesterday to a Dr for the bioresonance scan. He agreed (as did most of the internet) that it's bull shit. There's something to it, probably just that you believe you're healing? I told him I'm going back to my old diet, eating beef and giving up dairy. I told him my doctors aren't going to like it, but too bad because I fired a bunch of them. And I just wish I knew what to do. His reply was the post title. Great answer, btw, one reason I love him.
Regarding the 4-5 options from yesterday, he said Occam's razor, and the simplest is a nutrition deficiency that weakened the bones. Whether it's ongoing or past is unknown.
I agree with that, but what do I do about it?
And my hip still hurts, to walk after sitting for a bit of time. I'm trying to not limp, like I see so many other people walking around limping.
And after my egg and carrot and mustard lunch my mouth burned like I'd eaten sandpaper or chewed on rocks? I though my carrots were a bit undercooked, is that it? Or an allergy to something? GOD DAMN IT.
I've decided that when I die...
...I want someone to yell "Runner going out!" like they did at the Hennepin aid station.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Dr L and the 4 or 5 things
COMMUTE 3.5 miles
Yes I want every damned mile I can get.
Appt with Dr L today and I had a list of things to ask about, including when I can add in any activity, why is my right arm and hand prone to tingling lately, what's going on in my upper back/lower neck with I pull my shoulders back, and why it is so pained and tight to walk after sitting. Naturally I didn't address much of this, not wanting to sound like a problem child complainer pansy ass.
The sitting to standing and walking -- he measured my right hip flexor with the lunge. Pre treat was 10 inches, post treatment 13 inches and feeling much better. Now we'll see if I limp so much? He worked on the illiapsoas (?) which is lower abdomen above the pelvic bones. He said this was "bad" and a "grade 2.5". He also said to this asst that he can dig into me, that I don't fight back, and I can take the pain. Oh, the challenge. Is this location where I felt the pull in the lower abdomen a few months ago? Mayhaps.
Then my lower back, the usual schtuffs. While that was being measured, I asked if I can add back any activities, he said not until there's no pain. Kinda under my breath (I was in cat-stretch) I said "....killing me". Now I honestly don't know if I said "you're" or "this is" or "it's" ahead of that. Different meanings. I sure didn't mean to imply this is his fault, but I think in my brain it's "them" that limits me, and I'm having a real mental issue with that lately.
Themses always telling me what to do. What to eat, what not to eat. What meds to take. What exercise limits I have. Etc. Etc. Etc. Problem child complainer pansy ass whino.
This launched into a discussion from him, and as always I wished I could have recorded it. Essentially, 4-5 reasons this happened. He repeated again that this bone shouldn't have broken, the broke-the-hammer-not-the-nail statement, that another bone should have broken first maybe. Anyway.
1. Nutritional deficiency due to malabsorption
2. Bone weakness due to previous malabsorption (ie 2013-2015 issues)
3. Muscle weakness, led to joint impact
4. Overtraining and thus overloading the body
5. Something else entirely.
All good reasons. I mentioned that some docs think I'm an undiagnosed celiac. Note that I don't say that I think I'm an undiagnosed celiac. Themses do, not me. (denial?). He then mentioned a Dr he and his wife have seen, and the successful treatments for her scleroderma and his eczema. This Dr uses "frequencies to treat infections, to keep the viruses from moving around", and found Lyme and HMCV in Dr L. Said he didn't believe in the treatments at first, debated and doubted, but once he followed the protocol (naturopathic) it worked. Some research online shows its called bioresonance, measurements of the galvanic skin response.
Huh. The scientist in me sees this a few ways. I'd like to see this treatment to call bunko on it. I'd like to see what the evidence is. I'd like to see what I get from it, just to poke holes.
The sick problem child whiny maggot pansy ass in me just wants to know what the hell is going on.
Fuck all this shit.
But in the meantime I'm looking at my options. I treat me? Find a specialist? Find a functional medicine person? Go get bioresonance scanned? Haha.
Yes I want every damned mile I can get.
Appt with Dr L today and I had a list of things to ask about, including when I can add in any activity, why is my right arm and hand prone to tingling lately, what's going on in my upper back/lower neck with I pull my shoulders back, and why it is so pained and tight to walk after sitting. Naturally I didn't address much of this, not wanting to sound like a problem child complainer pansy ass.
The sitting to standing and walking -- he measured my right hip flexor with the lunge. Pre treat was 10 inches, post treatment 13 inches and feeling much better. Now we'll see if I limp so much? He worked on the illiapsoas (?) which is lower abdomen above the pelvic bones. He said this was "bad" and a "grade 2.5". He also said to this asst that he can dig into me, that I don't fight back, and I can take the pain. Oh, the challenge. Is this location where I felt the pull in the lower abdomen a few months ago? Mayhaps.
Then my lower back, the usual schtuffs. While that was being measured, I asked if I can add back any activities, he said not until there's no pain. Kinda under my breath (I was in cat-stretch) I said "....killing me". Now I honestly don't know if I said "you're" or "this is" or "it's" ahead of that. Different meanings. I sure didn't mean to imply this is his fault, but I think in my brain it's "them" that limits me, and I'm having a real mental issue with that lately.
Themses always telling me what to do. What to eat, what not to eat. What meds to take. What exercise limits I have. Etc. Etc. Etc. Problem child complainer pansy ass whino.
This launched into a discussion from him, and as always I wished I could have recorded it. Essentially, 4-5 reasons this happened. He repeated again that this bone shouldn't have broken, the broke-the-hammer-not-the-nail statement, that another bone should have broken first maybe. Anyway.
1. Nutritional deficiency due to malabsorption
2. Bone weakness due to previous malabsorption (ie 2013-2015 issues)
3. Muscle weakness, led to joint impact
4. Overtraining and thus overloading the body
5. Something else entirely.
All good reasons. I mentioned that some docs think I'm an undiagnosed celiac. Note that I don't say that I think I'm an undiagnosed celiac. Themses do, not me. (denial?). He then mentioned a Dr he and his wife have seen, and the successful treatments for her scleroderma and his eczema. This Dr uses "frequencies to treat infections, to keep the viruses from moving around", and found Lyme and HMCV in Dr L. Said he didn't believe in the treatments at first, debated and doubted, but once he followed the protocol (naturopathic) it worked. Some research online shows its called bioresonance, measurements of the galvanic skin response.
Huh. The scientist in me sees this a few ways. I'd like to see this treatment to call bunko on it. I'd like to see what the evidence is. I'd like to see what I get from it, just to poke holes.
The sick problem child whiny maggot pansy ass in me just wants to know what the hell is going on.
Fuck all this shit.
But in the meantime I'm looking at my options. I treat me? Find a specialist? Find a functional medicine person? Go get bioresonance scanned? Haha.
Monday, October 7, 2019
Hennepin Hundred weekend summary
COMMUTE weekdays 2 miles
STRENGTH last week the 'legs day', a 30' shoulders/arms, and a 50' bike intervals/absX
Go me, three strength workouts last week! A week later I still feel the tight pull of the legs day in my quads.
I was planning to leave for home on Weds afternoon, but due to mouse work and other stuff I didn't leave until Friday morning. Happily I was able to get my work done, and happily I got about 1-2 hours at home visiting before I left for Colona.
I stayed at a cheap-o hotel and met a 100 runner in the lobby who through a mistake of some sort for the hotel lost his room booking. I almost gave him mine, but I didn't want to complicate things. Also the hotel was near a walmart, which sadly led to a $5 M session. Ugh. Watched part of an old black&white Godzilla movie before bed. TV is terrible, no wonder I don't watch it.
Up early to volunteer, met a runner Chris from Bolingbrook area, he's also injured (tweaked his back) and was volunteering for deferment, like me. I stayed in the school parking lot to redirect drivers to the bus pick up site. Chris and I briefly talked about how injury changed us physically and mentally. Good to know I'm not alone in how I feel.
Back to hotel, tried to sleep but ended up watching more shitty television. Hotel breakfast was lame biscuits and gravy, dry cereal, waffles, and these over sugared yogurts. I tried the yogurt and the truck smelled like it for hours. I should have stayed longer at the hotel to rest, but I checked out at 9am and found a Target store, thinking I could find a bday present for Jess. Then to a Fresh Thyme where I did find a gift, some salad bar for supper, some ginger and some new-to-me mochi. M'd some right away in the truck, again, ugh, and so much for supper. Rested, drove to a Walmart again to kill time. Found gifts for K&J, cottage cheese, protein powder and since it was raining like crazy I just hung there to wait it out. In the truck, M, and LA called for a chat. Then I napped in the truck until 5pm, drove to volunteer site at mile 88.
Came into a still setting up but well-rolling aid station, the Primos Running Club for my 6pm to 1am shift. I scouted out the caption, Lou, and he put me to building a fire. Then to making coffee, where I connected with a few others. Then I got to making pancakes (off all the people to make pancakes, and no they were not gluten free as promised). Soon enough the 50K started coming through. It was dark, some rolling great and others struggling, especially as the night wore on. Then the 100 milers, I missed the first ones making pancakes, but got to see them more once that was done.
I loved playing catch! As a runner comes in, cheer and pull them up to see what they need. I could go on for pages with all the stories, pages upon pages, almost like a race report. The few I like to remember: the woman who came in 1am or so who slept a bit near the heaters then coated her blistered feet in anti-chafing, who couldn't stand up without Lou and me supporting her, how she cussed while put anti-chafing on the lady bits, but then TOOK OFF TO FINISH. The 50K racer with her cousin who dealt with her blisters after being out there for hours, yet she LEFT TO FINISH. The woman who came in after not eating for hours, collapsed on a picnic table, we fed her pancakes and sugars, she got a back massage, took some time, and soon enough LEFT TO FINISH. The tired and angry runner who came in with a few others (some were pacers, at least), and her pacers started dancing to Getting Jiggy With It and I could tell she wanted to just smack them, and I told her about LA in my 100K how I wanted to smack him but couldn't catch him to do it.
Also the guy who was pissed off that his runner couldn't drop at the previous aid station, he wanted his runner to drop and asked us how, I made the mistake of saying "he can't drop" or something along those lines and he got pissed. I realize what I said was wrong, realized it right away. He came around the picnic table at me doing the yelling with the finger jabbing. A volunteer stepped between us, Lou got involved, and wow what a temper - to be yelling at volunteers. But wow - my response and attitude to a drop. Reference Farmdale 2016. I dropped at mile 80-something and to this day wonder what happened and how it could have been different if there was more push to go back out. No regrets, I just wonder.
Well anyway, the volunteer shift was going so great, we had a group with initiative and true desire to help the runners, so I stayed until sunrise. I could have stayed longer, but I wanted time with my family. After many hugs I left. And yes, I love you too Lou because being with your group brought me back to focus on why I love this, why I come back, why I want to challenge myself, and why I FREAKING LOVE THIS SHIT.
My laser now refocused. My goals for 2020 becoming hardened. My plans to get healthy, to heal, to do it right -- coalescing. I've laid out some diet changes (back towards SCD), canceled some medical appointments that don't follow my course, and have an ambitious plan for personal training to build functional strength before I get back to running.
-----
Otherwise, on my feet for so long yet no hip pain. I'm noticing that I'm very tight in the hips after sitting. And on the drive down to STL today and for hours after (even now) my right arm/hand is tingling. I see Dr L tomorrow, and oooooh the questions I have.
STRENGTH last week the 'legs day', a 30' shoulders/arms, and a 50' bike intervals/absX
Go me, three strength workouts last week! A week later I still feel the tight pull of the legs day in my quads.
I was planning to leave for home on Weds afternoon, but due to mouse work and other stuff I didn't leave until Friday morning. Happily I was able to get my work done, and happily I got about 1-2 hours at home visiting before I left for Colona.
I stayed at a cheap-o hotel and met a 100 runner in the lobby who through a mistake of some sort for the hotel lost his room booking. I almost gave him mine, but I didn't want to complicate things. Also the hotel was near a walmart, which sadly led to a $5 M session. Ugh. Watched part of an old black&white Godzilla movie before bed. TV is terrible, no wonder I don't watch it.
Up early to volunteer, met a runner Chris from Bolingbrook area, he's also injured (tweaked his back) and was volunteering for deferment, like me. I stayed in the school parking lot to redirect drivers to the bus pick up site. Chris and I briefly talked about how injury changed us physically and mentally. Good to know I'm not alone in how I feel.
Back to hotel, tried to sleep but ended up watching more shitty television. Hotel breakfast was lame biscuits and gravy, dry cereal, waffles, and these over sugared yogurts. I tried the yogurt and the truck smelled like it for hours. I should have stayed longer at the hotel to rest, but I checked out at 9am and found a Target store, thinking I could find a bday present for Jess. Then to a Fresh Thyme where I did find a gift, some salad bar for supper, some ginger and some new-to-me mochi. M'd some right away in the truck, again, ugh, and so much for supper. Rested, drove to a Walmart again to kill time. Found gifts for K&J, cottage cheese, protein powder and since it was raining like crazy I just hung there to wait it out. In the truck, M, and LA called for a chat. Then I napped in the truck until 5pm, drove to volunteer site at mile 88.
Came into a still setting up but well-rolling aid station, the Primos Running Club for my 6pm to 1am shift. I scouted out the caption, Lou, and he put me to building a fire. Then to making coffee, where I connected with a few others. Then I got to making pancakes (off all the people to make pancakes, and no they were not gluten free as promised). Soon enough the 50K started coming through. It was dark, some rolling great and others struggling, especially as the night wore on. Then the 100 milers, I missed the first ones making pancakes, but got to see them more once that was done.
I loved playing catch! As a runner comes in, cheer and pull them up to see what they need. I could go on for pages with all the stories, pages upon pages, almost like a race report. The few I like to remember: the woman who came in 1am or so who slept a bit near the heaters then coated her blistered feet in anti-chafing, who couldn't stand up without Lou and me supporting her, how she cussed while put anti-chafing on the lady bits, but then TOOK OFF TO FINISH. The 50K racer with her cousin who dealt with her blisters after being out there for hours, yet she LEFT TO FINISH. The woman who came in after not eating for hours, collapsed on a picnic table, we fed her pancakes and sugars, she got a back massage, took some time, and soon enough LEFT TO FINISH. The tired and angry runner who came in with a few others (some were pacers, at least), and her pacers started dancing to Getting Jiggy With It and I could tell she wanted to just smack them, and I told her about LA in my 100K how I wanted to smack him but couldn't catch him to do it.
Also the guy who was pissed off that his runner couldn't drop at the previous aid station, he wanted his runner to drop and asked us how, I made the mistake of saying "he can't drop" or something along those lines and he got pissed. I realize what I said was wrong, realized it right away. He came around the picnic table at me doing the yelling with the finger jabbing. A volunteer stepped between us, Lou got involved, and wow what a temper - to be yelling at volunteers. But wow - my response and attitude to a drop. Reference Farmdale 2016. I dropped at mile 80-something and to this day wonder what happened and how it could have been different if there was more push to go back out. No regrets, I just wonder.
Well anyway, the volunteer shift was going so great, we had a group with initiative and true desire to help the runners, so I stayed until sunrise. I could have stayed longer, but I wanted time with my family. After many hugs I left. And yes, I love you too Lou because being with your group brought me back to focus on why I love this, why I come back, why I want to challenge myself, and why I FREAKING LOVE THIS SHIT.
My laser now refocused. My goals for 2020 becoming hardened. My plans to get healthy, to heal, to do it right -- coalescing. I've laid out some diet changes (back towards SCD), canceled some medical appointments that don't follow my course, and have an ambitious plan for personal training to build functional strength before I get back to running.
-----
Otherwise, on my feet for so long yet no hip pain. I'm noticing that I'm very tight in the hips after sitting. And on the drive down to STL today and for hours after (even now) my right arm/hand is tingling. I see Dr L tomorrow, and oooooh the questions I have.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
It's October! I've opted out of news and carbs
COMMUTE 2 miles
And I got sushi for lunch! It's nice n 90-some odd degrees outside and after a rush this-this-this morning of setting up genotyping PCRs and tamoxifen and eye swabs this was a needed break. Although it sets me up for not getting done on time today. I'll take the sushi and stay late!
As usual cutting down trees, and a pen drawing of the binary neurons in his head got me laughing so hard I thought I could be sick. And now a few hours later my chest hurts, my neck hurts, my head hurts. No wonder I can't sleep, with this shit going on in the background. I know Dr S said to try the nitroglycerin as a test - is it the heart or not - but I feel like taking the meds is a step towards conceding the fight to heart disease and drug dependency. What?
I thought for sure my legs would be burned and DOMS today, but only a little bit. The hip injury doesn't hurt much either, so I'm encouraged by all this. But still, I don't think that's the gym for me. Expensive. Three times a week only. I already pay for YMCA. And after he told me yesterday "that's the best numbers I've seen for a female squat" it kinda took the fuel out of the tank. No surprise, I want some competition! And I'm not going to find it here.
Which means I have to find a way to "break up" and give his key fob back.
Day 2 of Opt Out and no M. All good.
And I'm going back to low carb -- looking at recipes and thinking back to what I used to eat. I've already ditched rice and potatoes (sushi excluded, I left most of the rice behind but ate some) in the past few weeks so now the biggest questions are along the lines of what to do about dairy. Good or bad for me? And I've developed a crazy soda craving habit for ginger ale. I can drink 2L/day!
And my chest still hurts. Ugh.
And I got sushi for lunch! It's nice n 90-some odd degrees outside and after a rush this-this-this morning of setting up genotyping PCRs and tamoxifen and eye swabs this was a needed break. Although it sets me up for not getting done on time today. I'll take the sushi and stay late!
As usual cutting down trees, and a pen drawing of the binary neurons in his head got me laughing so hard I thought I could be sick. And now a few hours later my chest hurts, my neck hurts, my head hurts. No wonder I can't sleep, with this shit going on in the background. I know Dr S said to try the nitroglycerin as a test - is it the heart or not - but I feel like taking the meds is a step towards conceding the fight to heart disease and drug dependency. What?
I thought for sure my legs would be burned and DOMS today, but only a little bit. The hip injury doesn't hurt much either, so I'm encouraged by all this. But still, I don't think that's the gym for me. Expensive. Three times a week only. I already pay for YMCA. And after he told me yesterday "that's the best numbers I've seen for a female squat" it kinda took the fuel out of the tank. No surprise, I want some competition! And I'm not going to find it here.
Which means I have to find a way to "break up" and give his key fob back.
Day 2 of Opt Out and no M. All good.
And I'm going back to low carb -- looking at recipes and thinking back to what I used to eat. I've already ditched rice and potatoes (sushi excluded, I left most of the rice behind but ate some) in the past few weeks so now the biggest questions are along the lines of what to do about dairy. Good or bad for me? And I've developed a crazy soda craving habit for ginger ale. I can drink 2L/day!
And my chest still hurts. Ugh.
Monday, September 30, 2019
September ended with a legs day
COMMUTE 2 miles a day, in/out of FoPa to work and back. That's it.
So nothing to say except all the shit that rolls around in my head. Friday got a fucking delish burger with bacon and cheddar thanks to LA, then on Saturday STEAK with same, and JFC I'm going back to my carnivore ways. Because I actually enjoy this food, it's good, and so the fuck what if it's not good for me?
Worked all through the weekend, long time course on Saturday and more on Sunday.
But also on Sunday I visited a gym in Soulard to learn more about personal training/boot camp classes they offer. I was all ready to sign on until I learned it's a yearly membership, at $167 a month for 3 visits a week. Any combination of 3 boot camp or 'rent the gym' options. Yikes. Let's do the math: $2000! Plus the $50 set-up fee. No way, and I said I can't do that without knowing if my heart and hip can handle. Monthly not available, but he offered 3 months at $200/month. That would get me through the year, seemed good!
I went to the class Monday and my first question was - what if this sets off the injury, can I delay the 'start date'. Answer seemed to be "no". WTF. So I got a workout last night, a Legs Day, haha, sort of as a test without payment.
It was just me and one other younger woman, who didn't seem anything much like me. She's been going there 2-3 months and ah...how to say....it doesn't show. We went through the routine, a WU then stations of deadlifts, squats, single leg squats, etc, and sprints on a stationary bike. The belt squats were on this ARX machine that provides a constant and controllable pressure against which the user does work against. I tested it Sunday, it's odd but learn-able. I watched the other woman go through her reps so I could learn, watched her numbers. I didn't which numbers mattered so I stored them all in my head. My turn, and I was double her "intensity". The units are kinda vague. The PT guy said it's a strong squat, even though for me it felt odd and weak. I moved steady through the other stations -- a band-based deadlift squat, a TRX single leg squat, a banded hip flexor thing -- and I was focused on form and counting and the PT would try to talk and I was to into it to reply. He noted that I don't talk when working,...ah....that's the idea?! But I hear him talking to the other woman, who was complaining about how hard this was and how tired and how hot and how sweaty and oh for fucking christ's sake THAT'S THE GODDAMN IDEA so Stop Your Bitching.
Hmmm....
By the time I was done, my legs were shaky. I ended on the single leg squats and I used the little white chair as little as possible. It brought back hip PT memories, doing squats and lunges. I left with a rush of happy-dopamine and post workout wonderfuls. The just-past-new moon was a sliver in the west sky. I watered plants (as per SO) and enjoyed a quiet calm night.
This was also my first day of October Opt Out -- no news or nextdoor at all, minimal surfing to what's needed -- and it felt good. Also first day no M! I'm now 100 days of the Devil habit broken. So much to feel good about.
But my sleep has been bad the last few nights, why, I dunno. But I need the diphenhydramine to fall asleep and even then it's a slow process. But as I lay there in my pillow pile I could feel my right hip injury talking, quiet, but there. And some mild chest pain, a low dull ache at the sternum. Now that could be just muscular, activated some chest muscles in the TRX reverse planks in the WU? The hip pain though -- as before a sharp and defined pain. Not intense, but there. I meditated on these, listening. Injuries, tweaks, issues, or nothings?
That's what kept me up last night.
So nothing to say except all the shit that rolls around in my head. Friday got a fucking delish burger with bacon and cheddar thanks to LA, then on Saturday STEAK with same, and JFC I'm going back to my carnivore ways. Because I actually enjoy this food, it's good, and so the fuck what if it's not good for me?
Worked all through the weekend, long time course on Saturday and more on Sunday.
But also on Sunday I visited a gym in Soulard to learn more about personal training/boot camp classes they offer. I was all ready to sign on until I learned it's a yearly membership, at $167 a month for 3 visits a week. Any combination of 3 boot camp or 'rent the gym' options. Yikes. Let's do the math: $2000! Plus the $50 set-up fee. No way, and I said I can't do that without knowing if my heart and hip can handle. Monthly not available, but he offered 3 months at $200/month. That would get me through the year, seemed good!
I went to the class Monday and my first question was - what if this sets off the injury, can I delay the 'start date'. Answer seemed to be "no". WTF. So I got a workout last night, a Legs Day, haha, sort of as a test without payment.
It was just me and one other younger woman, who didn't seem anything much like me. She's been going there 2-3 months and ah...how to say....it doesn't show. We went through the routine, a WU then stations of deadlifts, squats, single leg squats, etc, and sprints on a stationary bike. The belt squats were on this ARX machine that provides a constant and controllable pressure against which the user does work against. I tested it Sunday, it's odd but learn-able. I watched the other woman go through her reps so I could learn, watched her numbers. I didn't which numbers mattered so I stored them all in my head. My turn, and I was double her "intensity". The units are kinda vague. The PT guy said it's a strong squat, even though for me it felt odd and weak. I moved steady through the other stations -- a band-based deadlift squat, a TRX single leg squat, a banded hip flexor thing -- and I was focused on form and counting and the PT would try to talk and I was to into it to reply. He noted that I don't talk when working,...ah....that's the idea?! But I hear him talking to the other woman, who was complaining about how hard this was and how tired and how hot and how sweaty and oh for fucking christ's sake THAT'S THE GODDAMN IDEA so Stop Your Bitching.
Hmmm....
By the time I was done, my legs were shaky. I ended on the single leg squats and I used the little white chair as little as possible. It brought back hip PT memories, doing squats and lunges. I left with a rush of happy-dopamine and post workout wonderfuls. The just-past-new moon was a sliver in the west sky. I watered plants (as per SO) and enjoyed a quiet calm night.
This was also my first day of October Opt Out -- no news or nextdoor at all, minimal surfing to what's needed -- and it felt good. Also first day no M! I'm now 100 days of the Devil habit broken. So much to feel good about.
But my sleep has been bad the last few nights, why, I dunno. But I need the diphenhydramine to fall asleep and even then it's a slow process. But as I lay there in my pillow pile I could feel my right hip injury talking, quiet, but there. And some mild chest pain, a low dull ache at the sternum. Now that could be just muscular, activated some chest muscles in the TRX reverse planks in the WU? The hip pain though -- as before a sharp and defined pain. Not intense, but there. I meditated on these, listening. Injuries, tweaks, issues, or nothings?
That's what kept me up last night.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
TV knows, and he seems good about it
Weds and Thurs each, COMMUTE 2.0 miles
2.0 miles. Not 2 miles. 2.0.
I should measure it, because I'm typing in a guess of distance, and if it's a guess then why include the tenth? haha.
Talked to TV yesterday about the last few days of frustrations, he's pretty blunt (and made me bring my crutches to lunch) and I think he would have told me if I was being crazy about all this. Or if I was crazy in what and how I do. So I felt much better after spilling this to him.
Then on Thursday I didn't bring my crutches to the mouse house, and whether it was at all connected I can't say but the bone ached while we were working there. Mild, not pain. Just aware of it.
Still haven't made it to the pool. Still not doing any strength training.
Oh yesterday I was doing more reading on this type and location of fracture. Read it was cortical bone (in conflict with something else I've read, whatever), and that the lack muscular strength can lead to these fractures. Dr L did say this months ago -- that once my muscles fail the joints will take the load. I think this was right after the Dark2Dawn, when he said 30 miles was my "load limit". Not that I ever doubted him, my point is that I'm putting pieces together for myself. To figure out why this happened and what to do about it next year.
Dr R in next door lab is prepping for his December marathon. He's doing Maffetone HR training, found some stuff I want to follow up and read. Every time I get injured I see an opportunity to "do it right" and "follow the plan" and build the machine and engine as I should for a great season.
I just don't have the self control to do it, haha!
2.0 miles. Not 2 miles. 2.0.
I should measure it, because I'm typing in a guess of distance, and if it's a guess then why include the tenth? haha.
Talked to TV yesterday about the last few days of frustrations, he's pretty blunt (and made me bring my crutches to lunch) and I think he would have told me if I was being crazy about all this. Or if I was crazy in what and how I do. So I felt much better after spilling this to him.
Then on Thursday I didn't bring my crutches to the mouse house, and whether it was at all connected I can't say but the bone ached while we were working there. Mild, not pain. Just aware of it.
Still haven't made it to the pool. Still not doing any strength training.
Oh yesterday I was doing more reading on this type and location of fracture. Read it was cortical bone (in conflict with something else I've read, whatever), and that the lack muscular strength can lead to these fractures. Dr L did say this months ago -- that once my muscles fail the joints will take the load. I think this was right after the Dark2Dawn, when he said 30 miles was my "load limit". Not that I ever doubted him, my point is that I'm putting pieces together for myself. To figure out why this happened and what to do about it next year.
Dr R in next door lab is prepping for his December marathon. He's doing Maffetone HR training, found some stuff I want to follow up and read. Every time I get injured I see an opportunity to "do it right" and "follow the plan" and build the machine and engine as I should for a great season.
I just don't have the self control to do it, haha!
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Fuck 'em still. They don't know.
COMMUTE 2 miles
SWIM?
Thinking on a swim later today! Was gonna go this morning, but had my Equinox butterfly and three more chrysalides to keep an eye on. When I left for work, I was still waiting for anything to happen. Hopefully when I get home all will be well, and my babies will be happily fluttering about and feeding for their trip to the winterlands.
Yes, thinking on swimming. I have the training plan book for swimmers. The "general fitness plan" is about 12 weeks and too vague for me. The 15-week Sprint distance plan has 2-3 swims a week and might be too 'speedy-focused' for my level but the distances and schedule are a good place to start.
And speaking of places to start, just get to the fucking pool!
Before leaving work yesterday I mapped out my Pathology Progress Return to Running plan, assuming a start in first week of November. If I start then, I can do a comfortable ramp in to 2010 Hennepin 100. This means I have to dedicate from now until them -- keep moving but let bone heal, get strong, and be patient.
Yesterday's unfavorable interaction with the orthopedics dr still bothers me. On yesterday's evening walk with the doggie I realized what I said that tipped her into thinking this was a pathology -- that I did the Monday morning bike ride knowing it wasn't good for me. Was that it? This kinda bothers me - that she'd think my hobby and favorite thing to do is a pathology that needs treatment. I have almost 10 years of blog posts here, were she to read it would she see problems and still think the same?
I love to challenge myself. I'm good at endurance sports. It's my vacation to go to a race. It wakes me up, it puts me to sleep, it encourages good eating and mindful body care. How is that a pathology?
How is that wrong?
SWIM?
Thinking on a swim later today! Was gonna go this morning, but had my Equinox butterfly and three more chrysalides to keep an eye on. When I left for work, I was still waiting for anything to happen. Hopefully when I get home all will be well, and my babies will be happily fluttering about and feeding for their trip to the winterlands.
Yes, thinking on swimming. I have the training plan book for swimmers. The "general fitness plan" is about 12 weeks and too vague for me. The 15-week Sprint distance plan has 2-3 swims a week and might be too 'speedy-focused' for my level but the distances and schedule are a good place to start.
And speaking of places to start, just get to the fucking pool!
Before leaving work yesterday I mapped out my Pathology Progress Return to Running plan, assuming a start in first week of November. If I start then, I can do a comfortable ramp in to 2010 Hennepin 100. This means I have to dedicate from now until them -- keep moving but let bone heal, get strong, and be patient.
Yesterday's unfavorable interaction with the orthopedics dr still bothers me. On yesterday's evening walk with the doggie I realized what I said that tipped her into thinking this was a pathology -- that I did the Monday morning bike ride knowing it wasn't good for me. Was that it? This kinda bothers me - that she'd think my hobby and favorite thing to do is a pathology that needs treatment. I have almost 10 years of blog posts here, were she to read it would she see problems and still think the same?
I love to challenge myself. I'm good at endurance sports. It's my vacation to go to a race. It wakes me up, it puts me to sleep, it encourages good eating and mindful body care. How is that a pathology?
How is that wrong?
Monday, September 23, 2019
Fuck 'em. What do they know?
BIKE 20 miles in 1:23-ish, 3x TGP with BE
COMMUTE 2 miles
Fall equinox today at 2:50am! And I started it out with a bike ride, yeah I know they said not to ride a bike, but like the title of the post says. Fuck em. All of them.
The bike was slow and cautious, a 19:43 for the first loop in the dark (sunrise 6:49am). We improved to 18:03 and 16:57 for the second and third loops.
BE described the Cap Ex Tri capabilities exercise and gave a race report. I talked a bit on the hip recovery but when it went into "why not try swimming" and "what about weight training" I checked out. I totally agree, but I don't find those enjoyable and I'm already in a pissy mood. Why add to it?
While I'm waiting for the Connect program to transfer my ride to Training Peaks, I see October 1st in the calendar. Ugh.
It was too dark to look at the HR. Besides I don't care.
Next up a pretty girl born this morning! This is a chrysalis that I broke off the cremaster, and I could only hope that the internets weren't lying when they said it would be OK. She was. Born during my shower and I captured in on the old iphone with a time lapse video. She was prepping on the deck when I left this morning. There were 4-5 adults fluttering around the yard, and I found another teeny caterpillar, who didn't look too good. It's in my "nursery" and I'll do what I can. I think I have 12-ish caterpillars and 8 chrysalides currently. Long way to go for these guys to fly, so they'd better hurry up and butterfly.
Then a follow up appointment at the orthopedics clinic. I spend the time waiting in the room thinking that I might bike more often, given that today's ride didn't seem to cause much pain at all. She comes in, and it's immediately Problem This and Problem That. I explain the 2014 fall-out of stress and nutrition. I'd rather see the MRI images (and when I ask, I get to -- the bone is WHITE, as in not good) but then she just gets back to my nutrition, my "over training", and how I should see a sports psychologist to investigate why I feel the need to train so much.
WHAT THE FUCK. I enjoy training. I like to challenge myself. (she doesn't know about this year's race goals). I like the social aspect. I get out into nature.
To her this is a pathology. So I'm done with her on this. She doesn't get it. She said I should talk to Avery because he'll understand. LOL, yup he will.
COMMUTE 2 miles
Fall equinox today at 2:50am! And I started it out with a bike ride, yeah I know they said not to ride a bike, but like the title of the post says. Fuck em. All of them.
The bike was slow and cautious, a 19:43 for the first loop in the dark (sunrise 6:49am). We improved to 18:03 and 16:57 for the second and third loops.
BE described the Cap Ex Tri capabilities exercise and gave a race report. I talked a bit on the hip recovery but when it went into "why not try swimming" and "what about weight training" I checked out. I totally agree, but I don't find those enjoyable and I'm already in a pissy mood. Why add to it?
While I'm waiting for the Connect program to transfer my ride to Training Peaks, I see October 1st in the calendar. Ugh.
It was too dark to look at the HR. Besides I don't care.
Next up a pretty girl born this morning! This is a chrysalis that I broke off the cremaster, and I could only hope that the internets weren't lying when they said it would be OK. She was. Born during my shower and I captured in on the old iphone with a time lapse video. She was prepping on the deck when I left this morning. There were 4-5 adults fluttering around the yard, and I found another teeny caterpillar, who didn't look too good. It's in my "nursery" and I'll do what I can. I think I have 12-ish caterpillars and 8 chrysalides currently. Long way to go for these guys to fly, so they'd better hurry up and butterfly.
Then a follow up appointment at the orthopedics clinic. I spend the time waiting in the room thinking that I might bike more often, given that today's ride didn't seem to cause much pain at all. She comes in, and it's immediately Problem This and Problem That. I explain the 2014 fall-out of stress and nutrition. I'd rather see the MRI images (and when I ask, I get to -- the bone is WHITE, as in not good) but then she just gets back to my nutrition, my "over training", and how I should see a sports psychologist to investigate why I feel the need to train so much.
WHAT THE FUCK. I enjoy training. I like to challenge myself. (she doesn't know about this year's race goals). I like the social aspect. I get out into nature.
To her this is a pathology. So I'm done with her on this. She doesn't get it. She said I should talk to Avery because he'll understand. LOL, yup he will.
Equinox butterfly, go girl go!!
This is my girl born yesterday. I left for work and she was chilling on the back deck. I came home and found her still on the back deck. Flopped down by the door and not taking flight. I nursed her all evening, and as per SO suggestion brought her indoors overnight for shelter. When I set her back out this morning, as close to the sun as I could get, she still didn't look ready to go.
So many parallels.
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Was supposed to be camping this weekend
FUCKING NOTHING
UGH. It was also supposed to rain all weekend, but no rain until now on Sunday afternoon. Fucking hell.
Yesterday was a do-nothing-shit day, went for groceries and hung around the house. In good news I was plucking 8-10 fat caterpillars and watching a pretty newborn girl get her wings. In bad news I did nothing-shit.
I've discovered ginger ale and have consumed probably too much of it already. I bought a 2L bottle Friday morning and it was gone by 2pm. Bought another! And cans! Is part of my low energy due to dehydration? I'm not drinking as much lately. Usually I do 4-5L from my camelbak bottle, lately only 2-3.
Who cares. Ginger ale is yummy.
Yesterday was zero on the crutches and this morning before I was even out of bed my right hip hurt. Not at the stress fracture site, but out at what I'd call the trochanter region. WTF. Tomorrow I have a follow up with the Dr at the orthopedics facility and I have to confess that I'm still having pain (although MUCH improved), still walking and biking some, and what the hell would she care?
And I've been watching the Game of Thrones Battle of the Bastards episode. Three times here in just the last few days! I'm seeing parallels in my life right now -- facing the enemy cavalry, swarmed by the horses and swords of the enemy, a pile-up of the dead and dying, the squeeze-in by the shields, and the suffocation. Still fighting M, losing against M.
UGH. It was also supposed to rain all weekend, but no rain until now on Sunday afternoon. Fucking hell.
Yesterday was a do-nothing-shit day, went for groceries and hung around the house. In good news I was plucking 8-10 fat caterpillars and watching a pretty newborn girl get her wings. In bad news I did nothing-shit.
I've discovered ginger ale and have consumed probably too much of it already. I bought a 2L bottle Friday morning and it was gone by 2pm. Bought another! And cans! Is part of my low energy due to dehydration? I'm not drinking as much lately. Usually I do 4-5L from my camelbak bottle, lately only 2-3.
Who cares. Ginger ale is yummy.
Yesterday was zero on the crutches and this morning before I was even out of bed my right hip hurt. Not at the stress fracture site, but out at what I'd call the trochanter region. WTF. Tomorrow I have a follow up with the Dr at the orthopedics facility and I have to confess that I'm still having pain (although MUCH improved), still walking and biking some, and what the hell would she care?
And I've been watching the Game of Thrones Battle of the Bastards episode. Three times here in just the last few days! I'm seeing parallels in my life right now -- facing the enemy cavalry, swarmed by the horses and swords of the enemy, a pile-up of the dead and dying, the squeeze-in by the shields, and the suffocation. Still fighting M, losing against M.
Friday, September 20, 2019
Morning crack that healed by afternoon
COMMUTE 3.5 miles, again parking at FPVC
Usually I'm unhappy when my parking slots close, but this time I'm enjoying the extra mileage. However small it may be of an increase in mileage.
And thankfully it's not too far because I still don't have the energy for much more. I'm still worn out quickly, even by this little 1-1.5 mile ride in! Talking with coworker AH, this is probably a symptom of a depression I'm going through. I'm mentally fuzzed, not sleeping, messed up, craving odd things (see below), not interested, and have no energy. It's like over-training fatigue without the satisfaction of being over-trained.
Last night I was craving ginger. And of all things, soda. What?! So I combined the two and got some ginger ale this morning. I still had the craving so I figured it wasn't a whim. Yummy! I drank the entire 2L bottle this morning!
I think my mental low this morning was a diphenhydramine hangover? There's sort of a pattern to it. I'm awake later than I want to be, take the diphen to tip me into sleep, then I sleep in, and I feel sluggy all morning. AH suggested taking it earlier, as he notices the same thing.
Last night on the way home I was supposed to get milk for my kefir, but ended up getting cottage cheese, broccoli, instant potatoes instead. Made a pileup of my meals with this. But it came out awful and M, so I threw the rest away. Now I get to go shopping again.
I've been watching for a chance to get back to a low carb pattern (it was great on the stomach!) and the excuse was that I didn't want to adapt while training and racing. Well, that's full off the table so why not now? Besides, I need to get away from this potato and rice based thing I've been doing since Badger.
One of my gripes this morning was that I tried oh-so-hard to be healthy after last year's shit, and this is where I ended up -- injured again. Part of me just thinks about quitting trying so hard. Just eat what I want. Fuck it. Eat red meat and eggs and whole fat dairy.
Boy, when my pendulum swings it goes full distance!
Usually I'm unhappy when my parking slots close, but this time I'm enjoying the extra mileage. However small it may be of an increase in mileage.
And thankfully it's not too far because I still don't have the energy for much more. I'm still worn out quickly, even by this little 1-1.5 mile ride in! Talking with coworker AH, this is probably a symptom of a depression I'm going through. I'm mentally fuzzed, not sleeping, messed up, craving odd things (see below), not interested, and have no energy. It's like over-training fatigue without the satisfaction of being over-trained.
Last night I was craving ginger. And of all things, soda. What?! So I combined the two and got some ginger ale this morning. I still had the craving so I figured it wasn't a whim. Yummy! I drank the entire 2L bottle this morning!
I think my mental low this morning was a diphenhydramine hangover? There's sort of a pattern to it. I'm awake later than I want to be, take the diphen to tip me into sleep, then I sleep in, and I feel sluggy all morning. AH suggested taking it earlier, as he notices the same thing.
Last night on the way home I was supposed to get milk for my kefir, but ended up getting cottage cheese, broccoli, instant potatoes instead. Made a pileup of my meals with this. But it came out awful and M, so I threw the rest away. Now I get to go shopping again
I've been watching for a chance to get back to a low carb pattern (it was great on the stomach!) and the excuse was that I didn't want to adapt while training and racing. Well, that's full off the table so why not now? Besides, I need to get away from this potato and rice based thing I've been doing since Badger.
One of my gripes this morning was that I tried oh-so-hard to be healthy after last year's shit, and this is where I ended up -- injured again. Part of me just thinks about quitting trying so hard. Just eat what I want. Fuck it. Eat red meat and eggs and whole fat dairy.
Boy, when my pendulum swings it goes full distance!
Thursday, September 19, 2019
"You gotta get healthy someday!!"
COMMUTE 3.5 miles today, due to Balloon Race parking closures
I'm trickling out my injury news, yesterday I emailed LC to let her know I wasn't trail running this fall. She'd expressed interest. Her reply was the post title. I'll get back to that. She's had successful races at Litchfield and CapEx :) I'm happy for her!
I'm trickling out the news because I don't like the answers I get. And as I like to say, if you don't like the answer then don't ask the question. In this case, don't share the news. SO has no idea, I already know what he'll say and I don't need to hear it. Partly because he's right. TB and TH have no idea, for similar but slightly different reasons.
But this you gotta "get healthy" "take care of yourself" is really killing my vibe. They're right, that's one part. But the other part is that I'm already trying to hard to be healthy! Right?! No?!
Eat this but not that. Do this but not that. Take this med. Go to this appointment. This test, this measure, etc. I take multiple supplements for "bone health", vitamins, etc, more.
The past year since the heart attack has been me doing what I've been told (ok, statin experiments aside) to change my diet, experiment with new foods, avoid the foods I love because they are "bad" for me now. I'm ready to give up on that.
And that's almost what I've been doing since the Badger race. I'm still on a very limited diet of potato, rice, protein powder, eggs, yogurt, some fruit and veg. Is it working for my stomach, I dunno. I think so. This pattern of eating is only going to drill me deeper into a nutritional hole.
From PubMed I learned that the pubis rami bone is a cancellous type of bone (spongy, as opposed to cortical), and this type of bone is often stress fractured in females with low bone density, nutritional issues, low body weight, etc. I fit the description. Ribs and vertebrae are similar cancellous bone, and I've broken them all too easily too.
So with that in mind, I should be my usual gung-ho about fixing this. But I'm frustrated right now, maybe not a good time to make any judgement calls. I'm eating like shit. I'm ignoring my crutches when I can. I'm riding my bike "only a few miles" each day. And I'm mad because other people are pointing out my problems?
I'm the problem.
And there's a THIRD hit to my vibe, when talking to lab neighbors I heard about how another colleague on crutches this past month as visible atrophy and muscle loss. This could be me?! This turned my stomach. My head spins to think about it. I can't think about.
I'm trickling out my injury news, yesterday I emailed LC to let her know I wasn't trail running this fall. She'd expressed interest. Her reply was the post title. I'll get back to that. She's had successful races at Litchfield and CapEx :) I'm happy for her!
I'm trickling out the news because I don't like the answers I get. And as I like to say, if you don't like the answer then don't ask the question. In this case, don't share the news. SO has no idea, I already know what he'll say and I don't need to hear it. Partly because he's right. TB and TH have no idea, for similar but slightly different reasons.
But this you gotta "get healthy" "take care of yourself" is really killing my vibe. They're right, that's one part. But the other part is that I'm already trying to hard to be healthy! Right?! No?!
Eat this but not that. Do this but not that. Take this med. Go to this appointment. This test, this measure, etc. I take multiple supplements for "bone health", vitamins, etc, more.
The past year since the heart attack has been me doing what I've been told (ok, statin experiments aside) to change my diet, experiment with new foods, avoid the foods I love because they are "bad" for me now. I'm ready to give up on that.
And that's almost what I've been doing since the Badger race. I'm still on a very limited diet of potato, rice, protein powder, eggs, yogurt, some fruit and veg. Is it working for my stomach, I dunno. I think so. This pattern of eating is only going to drill me deeper into a nutritional hole.
From PubMed I learned that the pubis rami bone is a cancellous type of bone (spongy, as opposed to cortical), and this type of bone is often stress fractured in females with low bone density, nutritional issues, low body weight, etc. I fit the description. Ribs and vertebrae are similar cancellous bone, and I've broken them all too easily too.
So with that in mind, I should be my usual gung-ho about fixing this. But I'm frustrated right now, maybe not a good time to make any judgement calls. I'm eating like shit. I'm ignoring my crutches when I can. I'm riding my bike "only a few miles" each day. And I'm mad because other people are pointing out my problems?
I'm the problem.
And there's a THIRD hit to my vibe, when talking to lab neighbors I heard about how another colleague on crutches this past month as visible atrophy and muscle loss. This could be me?! This turned my stomach. My head spins to think about it. I can't think about.
Wednesday, September 18, 2019
"You need to take better care of yourself"
COMMUTE 2 miles
I'll take whatever mileage I can get at this point.
I'm being terrible about the crutches, if I can get away without using them then I go for it. I'll never heal at this rate.
My butterfly this morning didn't make it. She literally fell out of her chrysalis and hit the ground. She never got her "grasp reflex" and couldn't hang on anything. I did all I could, putting her where she'd have the best chance to get her wings going, but when I came home she was on the ground. Wings never inflated. As TG put it, there's some heartbreak involved in this.
Great lunch with TV, good laughs. Needed it.
What chatting with TG about monarchs, I shared with her some milkweed and she's taken to growing and watching the butterflies too! When I mentioned I'm injured, she said I need to take better care of myself.
And that's why I love TG, honest as all hell and doesn't hold back. But now read into tomorrow to see where this goes.
I'll take whatever mileage I can get at this point.
I'm being terrible about the crutches, if I can get away without using them then I go for it. I'll never heal at this rate.
My butterfly this morning didn't make it. She literally fell out of her chrysalis and hit the ground. She never got her "grasp reflex" and couldn't hang on anything. I did all I could, putting her where she'd have the best chance to get her wings going, but when I came home she was on the ground. Wings never inflated. As TG put it, there's some heartbreak involved in this.
Great lunch with TV, good laughs. Needed it.
What chatting with TG about monarchs, I shared with her some milkweed and she's taken to growing and watching the butterflies too! When I mentioned I'm injured, she said I need to take better care of myself.
And that's why I love TG, honest as all hell and doesn't hold back. But now read into tomorrow to see where this goes.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Three girls
I didn't individually name them, but I gave them names: Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel. But I like alphabetical order, so let's use that.
Three positives to start my day!! The Arwen eclosed in a jar that was indoors, the chyrsalis wasn't black last night so this was a surprise. Thankfully she was hanging and not flopped to the bottom of the jar like some others did.
Eowyn hatched while I ate brekkie, missed her by minutes. She's in the pict with the chrysalis visible.
Galadriel I actually got to watch!! I happened to be in the yard when she started out. She's in the picture with the twine visible at the bottom.
I also got to see Arwen's first flight as she flittered to the wood fence. That's her with her wings outspread, before her first flight.
OOOOOOOHHHHH I wanted to stay and watch them take off! I tended them from caterpillar to butterfly, this would be my reward! But as I left for work (with the bike haha) I knew they'd be OK. That they didn't need me, and that I would see them again as descendants next year.
If the caterpillar can change like this, so can I.
Monday, September 16, 2019
Bike in, and it hurt. But fuck it I got to ride my bike
COMMUTE 2 miles or so
So I broke the rules and biked in. After my tantrums last week over parking I decided that a mile bike up the hill to campus, then a one mile bike mostly downhill (as in, it doesn't count as a ride) should be OK for me to do.
The bone ached all morning after the ride, what does that mean? But it didn't hurt in the afternoon.
I was mentally sluggy and heavy all day, hard to wake up and think. It was a late day at work, AH and I were brainstorming the Dicer project and I didn't get going until 6pm. As I biked out on Plaza, another cyclist joked on the crutches. Said it was his first time biking to the nursing campus, and he wondered why he didn't do it before. Yay! Another convert.
When I got home, one of my chrysalis was open and no butterfly in sight. That's a good thing, btw. However another chrysalis that was deformed a bit had a butterfly stuck in it. I opened it gently with forceps, but that wasn't enough. The wings never unfolded. Win some, lose some.
So I broke the rules and biked in. After my tantrums last week over parking I decided that a mile bike up the hill to campus, then a one mile bike mostly downhill (as in, it doesn't count as a ride) should be OK for me to do.
The bone ached all morning after the ride, what does that mean? But it didn't hurt in the afternoon.
I was mentally sluggy and heavy all day, hard to wake up and think. It was a late day at work, AH and I were brainstorming the Dicer project and I didn't get going until 6pm. As I biked out on Plaza, another cyclist joked on the crutches. Said it was his first time biking to the nursing campus, and he wondered why he didn't do it before. Yay! Another convert.
When I got home, one of my chrysalis was open and no butterfly in sight. That's a good thing, btw. However another chrysalis that was deformed a bit had a butterfly stuck in it. I opened it gently with forceps, but that wasn't enough. The wings never unfolded. Win some, lose some.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
I did nothing all weekend. But still threw most all if it away?
NOTHING
NOTHING
Nothing. That's how it feels anyway. I did nothing.
Saturday I didn't feel like going anywhere so after so caterpillar hunting I did up all my meal prep. My now-usual of pureed rice and potato concoctions. The potato one was pretty bad so I tossed it. Replaced with a baked rice (puree to the next level, haha) that was also bad so I tossed it. I finally got some momentum going and went to Fresh Thyme to get Natural Calm, then a nursery to inquire on the vanilla strawberry hydrangeas I'm interested in.
Sunday like the same thing, but I didn't leave the house except to the yard and dog walk. Made another potato back, and it was better. But not great.
LA is encouraging (rightfully) red meat and real, warm food. Still not on board with that yet. Why not? I don't feel good. Both mornings here with overfull tummy that led to cramps and pain. Why not try something else and change?
I'm so-so on the crutches, thoroughly exploiting the "don't have to crutch around the house" loophole.
NOTHING
Nothing. That's how it feels anyway. I did nothing.
Saturday I didn't feel like going anywhere so after so caterpillar hunting I did up all my meal prep. My now-usual of pureed rice and potato concoctions. The potato one was pretty bad so I tossed it. Replaced with a baked rice (puree to the next level, haha) that was also bad so I tossed it. I finally got some momentum going and went to Fresh Thyme to get Natural Calm, then a nursery to inquire on the vanilla strawberry hydrangeas I'm interested in.
Sunday like the same thing, but I didn't leave the house except to the yard and dog walk. Made another potato back, and it was better. But not great.
LA is encouraging (rightfully) red meat and real, warm food. Still not on board with that yet. Why not? I don't feel good. Both mornings here with overfull tummy that led to cramps and pain. Why not try something else and change?
I'm so-so on the crutches, thoroughly exploiting the "don't have to crutch around the house" loophole.
Friday, September 13, 2019
Temper tantrum, steak, grapes, Ethiopian, gelato. FULL MOON.
As he says, I'm acutely aware of the moon. Ya, so?
Yesterday was a morning temper tantrum of staplers that didn't function, today one over a parking situation. While yesterday I managed to find a 4hr after some circling, today I didn't and ended up in the parking garage. Took the shuttle. Felt like a lame ass lazy pansy floof for it. Then had to pay $7 fucking dollars to get out. But that's all Friday the 13th had in store for me.
Home early to let the dog out before taking LA to get his car from St R, but then to my surprise next I knew he was cooking a steak (OMG good too) before we left. We started laying out chapters for a cookbook I'd write: bananas, nuts, grapes, wood, bone, kilt. Still working on the layout I guess?
I'd promised him Meskerem some night, so even though I was tired (didn't get to bed until this morning after the ride) and knew I'd be sick for it, we went. Combo platter, delish. As I type this up the next day, still kinda queasy but worth it. Then gelato, then a plan to fix my broken pubis with long deep hard screws at just the right angle. Fell right out of the tree, we did.
Had a butterfly eclose this morning, but died, similar to two others that died before their wings could inflate.
And an apogee full moon tonight. As we sat on Grand with Gelato, I watched it climb into the south. Bright, quiet, calm.
I was still awake at full moon time 11:35pm, thinking about M, habits, progress, fall backs, forwards, and life.
Yesterday was a morning temper tantrum of staplers that didn't function, today one over a parking situation. While yesterday I managed to find a 4hr after some circling, today I didn't and ended up in the parking garage. Took the shuttle. Felt like a lame ass lazy pansy floof for it. Then had to pay $7 fucking dollars to get out. But that's all Friday the 13th had in store for me.
Home early to let the dog out before taking LA to get his car from St R, but then to my surprise next I knew he was cooking a steak (OMG good too) before we left. We started laying out chapters for a cookbook I'd write: bananas, nuts, grapes, wood, bone, kilt. Still working on the layout I guess?
I'd promised him Meskerem some night, so even though I was tired (didn't get to bed until this morning after the ride) and knew I'd be sick for it, we went. Combo platter, delish. As I type this up the next day, still kinda queasy but worth it. Then gelato, then a plan to fix my broken pubis with long deep hard screws at just the right angle. Fell right out of the tree, we did.
Had a butterfly eclose this morning, but died, similar to two others that died before their wings could inflate.
And an apogee full moon tonight. As we sat on Grand with Gelato, I watched it climb into the south. Bright, quiet, calm.
I was still awake at full moon time 11:35pm, thinking about M, habits, progress, fall backs, forwards, and life.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Motorcycle to the Arch
Not even a commute. Parked at a 4hr meter on campus. My first real full day on the crutches. Survived the mouse house trip, wore my hands out, but made it through.
The highlight though was LA and motocycle, down to the arch, LaClede's Landing, downtown, 64 to UCity, then 64 to 94. I could see the near-full moon on the Missouri river as we rode over, smell the grass and hay and green, and feel a cool wind on my hands when I held them out.
As I like to say, we can do that again.
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