I'll show the wind how to fly

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins, solo
COMMUTE 7 miles

The kids all declined a run (I offered a 1-2 mile run/walk last night) and LA went to work, so just me and sunshine and Bon Jovi songs around the high school. Goal was no walking - success! Great bike to work, now just gotta get through work. Genotyping day. Yay. 

June goals!! Think!! 

Summer break begins

Saturday - Monday rest and family and travel
Tuesday (today) RUN 1+2 miles and STRENGTH 20 mins ish Push D

     COMMUTE 3.5 and more? 

All is good so far! I thought I had 4 days off, but I did get to the gym on Friday so it was only 3. Felt longer, and I missed it. 

Stuck to goals over the weekend, but slipped last night staying past M3 with watermelon. Not the worst thing I've done. 

June is next, and it's time to set goals. In my first month, I'm 139.2 to 135 today. Saw 133 twice, that was the goal, and I still have tomorrow haha. 

Then...? Plan it!! Marathon? Another 4-5? 

I will continue to decline the offer, and quit saying that "I'm Stuck"

ELLIPTICAL 10 + 30 pushing the effort in the last one
STRENGTH 25 or so mins of Legs C
No bike! It's too cold!

So the strength training is going great - 4 sessions this week! The elliptical is better with effort, I'm focusing on using the interval setting and staying in at least 70 rpm.  I feel it!

Yesterday the HamiltonTrained tried to counteroffer - "yeah I know it's a lot but don't you feel stuck? How long have you been stuck? Won't you always be stuck?" and that work, not trying to be funny here, stuck out to me.

Stuck. 

I used the word, I used it to describe how I felt that I didn't know what else to change and I didn't know why change wasn't happening for me. 

If I keep saying that I'm stuck, well then I'm going to be stuck!

What have I changed in just the month of May? 

1. Regular strength training

2. No dates
3. No treats and getting accurate
4. Stopping M3 and not just lingering
5. No phone at meals, no distractions

6. Regular, more fearless running routine with two-a-days and afternoons

That's a LOT, good for you, and the month of May started at 139.# and is ending at what looks to be a 133.# That was the goal I'd set in late April on the DTE run, and I've a few more days to know for sure. 

Yesterday I signed up for my free 14 day Noom trial. I'm still rearranging my headspace to think that instead of a spoonful of mayo (fat) that I could eat instead water-filled veggies and lower density foods (volume). That's their science anyway. Two days in, and I'm over the orange foods (PB, mayo, coconut milk) but that's foods I packed and picked before I started this. 

I spent way too much time the last two days thinking on meal plans. I found one that mixed protein, fat, starchy veg, non starchy veg, whole grain, fruit, and freebie - but so complicated to follow the mix n match. It's what MB at work probably does - she talks about something very similar. It's not paleo, and it's tempting me to eat oatmeal. Three strikes against. 

But I can follow the idea of it: 300 + 400 + 400 + 150 meals to get around 1200-1400 per day. That's just a baseline, with running it can go up. I'm trying to come up with standards on recipe cards that I can use to quickly meal prep, to get more variety, and still get what I need without too much or too little. 

I will decline the Training offer - oh Come With Me Now

RUN 3 miles, to and from gym
STRENGTH 30 mins of my new Pull C workout
COMMUTE 3.5 miles and a ride home
RUN more with LA just over 1 mile then walked

The fog of female hormones seems to have cleared. My bra is back to normal size and my mood is up. I'm also excited about the ideas from the list I generated yesterday about what else I could do with my $20/day from HamiltonTrained. I downloaded the Come With Me Now song I loved in 2014 - the MiTi song.

I ran to the gym, had a great workout to Bon Jovi, ran back home. Bike to work to Congos replaying. I'm feeling great. 

My back is tired from this morning! 

I looked at Noom as a meal planning tool. I have an offer for 2 weeks free, why not, then I can get 6 months for $160.  $0.88/day. The up-front seems like a LOT to pay, but so does $3500 - for the SAME TIME PERIOD!

I looked at my GymBook app - for $8 I can get access to all the exercises and build my own workouts.

But it's missing the Inner Game, and I know things aren't great there, but they aren't so bad as $3500. 

I'll message him soon to get it off my mind, I said Thursday afternoon he could reach out to me, but I'm going to get ahead of it and do it myself. 

Training would be $20 a day

ELLIPTICAL 10 + 20 minutes, now paying attention to effort
STRENGTH 25 ish minutes of Push C, lots of triceps
COMMUTE 3.5 miles in, got a ride home 

Yesterday's HamiltonTrained phone call, an hour that ended on a very low note. I'd put a lot of thought into this - thinking about goals and desires and current issues and making a list. I never referred to my list during the call, it was in my head as I'm living it. Summary:

Asked about my current status, how I got there, first 20 minutes or so of the issues. In short, using my words that I said, I'm so close to the problem that I can't see it anymore and it's a tangle, and I need help untangling it.

He asked, if he snapped his fingers and put me at goal weight and physique, would I be able to maintain it on my own? I'd like to think I could, but in 2017-2019 as I spiraled I couldn't. But I've changed a lot since then, could I do it now? 

He asked, if he snapped his fingers and put me at goal feeling and strength regardless of weight and size, would I be happy? I'd like to think so, but honestly, no. 

He went over his way of doing things, the 3 phases. Mentioned that I might need some metabolic work. Said I'd get a personalized meal plan and strength training plan. Then right towards the end, the ball drops. He only does things in 6 month increments and I won only 3 months. Normally 6 months is $5000 but my discount would be $3500. 

Fuck. 

Bloody hell. And I can look back over the call then and see how it built to this. 

I said I needed husband approval. I said that's a lot. He said he has financing options. Of course he does. He said he usually wants an answer in 24 hours, but can wait 48 for me. Of course he can. I'm thinking he hears "no" quite a bit once the call gets to this point. 

Think about that - 12 months for $10000 would be $27.3 dollars A DAY.

6 months for $5000 would be $19.18 dollars A DAY. 

I'm cheap, we all know that. I can regret on $15 dollars I spent on a bus ticket in April that I didn't use because I didn't stop to think. I already lament that AEAs gym membership won't cover her full visit and I might be in for another $20 because I didn't stop to think. I most certainly regret all the M food that I certainly did and did not think about (all at the same time, both planning and denying at the exact same time). 

But I can stop to think about this. I talked to LA this morning, explaining that I'm NOT likely to go along with this. He doesn't know the depths of all this, but I'm opening up to it slowly in the past weeks. 

Think about the past weeks. Have I been consistent? No. Have I been pushing towards a defined goal? No. Am I changing and tweaking and stopping so that I nail my goals? No. Do I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. Do I fear going to the DS for nibbles. Do I lose the plan by Friday and go off on weekends. Do I really effort on the elliptical (LN at work said he does this, and that pointed out to me that I don't). Do I have a running goal or do I come up with excuses. 

Do I overeat? Not THAT much. Do I M? Not for 257 days. Do I binge and eat bad foods? No. No. No. 

--- --- ---

What can I do for myself with almost $20 a day? Buy exercises on my app and build my own strength training plan that isn't boring and makes progress. Buy better foods and not the cheapest food I can buy. Buy new workout clothes and running shoes. Buy more workout music. Buy a new bike helmet. I could search around and find a meal plan, work with a nutritionist. I could get a YEAR of personal training at LA Fitness.

--- --- ---

But do I know what to do next? What do I change next to see the results? What is the difference between me then and me now? Think on these to day, and come back. 

Today I start Trained?

RUN 2 miles with LA
RUN 1.75 miles to gym, STRENGTH about 25 mins Legs, RUN 1.25 miles home

COMMUTE 3.5 miles, and 3.5 miles home 

LA wanted to run another half marathon last night (a Monday) (he ran a half over a few days ago during his weekend in MO) (why a half on a Monday?!) and he wanted me to bike with him. I wasn't at all into the idea - sitting and noodling along on a bike for 2.5 to 3 hours. In the end, we didn't do anything. Not even a walk, and spent quiet time together. In bed! 

I went to bed early, but woke up around 1am then 130 am then 2 am worried about ULAM/CS shit at work. I woke up with my eye still swelled up. 

We ran 2 miles together, he showered and left for work (urology at the VA), then I ran to and from the gym rounding up to get 5 miles total. I finally did a Legs session and finally tried a few new exercises. Some questions on some of those - front barbell squats felt like it was all arms, and romanian deadlifts felt like it was in my lower back too. But the barbell hip thrusts and hanging leg lifts felt good. All new exercises. I got a monthly membership for AEA today too. 

Bike to work, phone call in 2.5 hours, I have a lot of notes!
I'll be back with notes and nexts. 

Inconsistent weekend

Saturday STRENGTH 30 mins pull, bookended by 30 mins each of ELLIPTICAL
Sunday RUN 7.5 miles south of the house, meandering, uninspired
Monday COMMUTE 7 miles

My last weekend solo for awhile, as the summer break starts next week. I did all chores, meal prep, not all the errands, lots of walking both days in the evening. Both days between 21K and 25K steps!

Lots of introspection about tomorrow's meeting for the training. What exactly do I want? I flip back and forth between I need help and I'm just fine. The idea of Imposter Thinking and Identity Problems comes to mind. 

Why inconsistent? I didn't follow macro goals, timing goals, or just overall goals. 

NUMERICS

Last week - only 15 miles RUNNING and 6 totals hours of training, 3 STRENGTH sessions, and no bike COMMUTES?

I'm not consistent

Thursday - complete rest
Friday RUN 1 mile (treadmill) + 2.5 miles (treadmill still)
     STRENGTH Push A about 30 minutes

I haven't been commuting. It's cold. I'm tired. The last week of 27.9 miles and 8:45 hours of training really must have knocked me back. Is that it?

Yesterday I was completely wore out. Tired. Wanted to cry/emotional. Flat mental and physical energy. My chest was swollen and pained. I took LA to the airport and the rest of the afternoon I had what I'm guessing was IBS pains in my lower gut. Awful. Hurt to move, walk, sit, anything. They came and when without explanation. As they usually did. 

I watched Hamilton Trained "is your metabolism broken" youtube on the second run this morning. He said if the following are true, then "it's NOT your metabolism":

    1. You don't count and log every bite, every lick, every taste

    2. You are consistent, not 80% not 85% but 100% consistent

    3. You don't move as much as you think you do.

Oooh, I'm not #1 or #2, but I start most every day that way - counting and over the course of the day especially in the M3 range I fall apart with it. 

My meeting with him is next Tuesday, and I'm starting a list of All The Things - the questions and answers and problems and thoughts and goals. Notes to keep me on track.

I want someone to do the thinking for me. I want a plan that I can follow that works. 

Magic Wand part 2

RUN 2 miles with LA

No commute, too f'ing cold again!

Last night I finished the Albert Nobbs book. I'm a few chapters away from finishing Wuthering Heights. War and Peace is paused until Nobbs was done, and I'm debating whether an audiobook for For Whom The Bell Tolls is a good idea or not - I'm not following it very well that way. 

And I just saw another book list that entices. 50 Banned Books, many of which are considered classics. Some of them I've read, some are already on my reading lists. (But not WH?!) How much free time do I think I have?!

Magic Wand. I want it so I don't wake up to 137-138 and start to doubt all the choices I made yesterday, and doubt my plans for today. Every Single Day. 

If he could wave a magic wand...

RUN 2 miles early morning, with LA. We're both tired!

I didn't commute by bike, tired! And just not motivated to. Happily, nothing hurts. Just sleepy and tired. 

If he could wave a magic wand...

So many things. I'd like to just KNOW that what I'm doing is working. Not wonder, and doubt. I'd like to see results, instead of stagnation. I'd like to know that I can change myself, and not just keep trying the same things over and over to no apparent success. 

I'd like to be back to pre SCAD, to that Christmas picture from 2016. I was smiling in that picture!

But behind that smile, M was still lurking. Not active, but latent. I still had doubts then. Still calculating and wondering and planning. Remember the spreadsheets for Kansas?! No, I don't want that again. 

Looking back, I don't really want to go back, I need to go forward. I need to set a new standard for success. And I think what I'm trying to say, is that I've been "trying" now for almost 260 days and don't see forward progress. I feel stuck. I feel like, why did I change so much to get nothing more from it? And I'm referring to more than just M. I'm referring to the eliminations that so far haven't eliminated anything.

So what do I want?!

Goals for the 3 months of coaching - get honest

ELLIPTICAL 10 plus 20 mins
STRENGTH 20-25 mins, pull day

I did some new-to-me exercises, including one I didn't like (self conscious about doing it right, not sure I was doing it right, and just tired after yesterday's run). I watched videos, slowed down, and felt OK.

I am TIRED from yesterday's 10 miler, but not as tired as I'd thought. The fatigue is whole body. Last night I fell asleep early and slept great. It was back-to-back of longer training days.

Training peaks says 27.9 miles of running last week!! How? 5+1+4.4+5.4+2+10. Shazam. 
And I did 8:45 hours, which doesn't include commuting time. 

I'm thinking quite a bit about the upcoming meeting on the 23rd for the coaching. In my essay, I wrote about my history struggles and fears. In the intake form I answered similar but different, I hope this doesn't seem to confusing, but if I'm confused now, how will I be able to explain it next week? 

Start a list of what my goals will be - to clarify and keep on track. 

To start:

1. I spend way to much time thinking about it all. And it distracts me. I come home - Moria calls. I get some with something - Moria calls. I say "I need a drink" but really - Moria. I'm bored, tired, avoiding - Moria. It's a fucking time waste, a distraction, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I doubt my decisions, I'm paralyzed by information, I don't believe I'll ever see progress. For the rest of my life? 

2. I miss who I used to be, and want to be that person again. And I live in this stuck life, carrying my sins like a punishment. I see my mistakes in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I think about it. More too I feel like I've tried so hard to change but I don't, I don't see progress or movement in the right direction. I keep a pendulum between two ends of a short spectrum and only briefly last April saw real progress. 

3. I'm living in conflict. What I want and what I do. Who I was and who I am. I feel like I'm not ME. I'm in the wrong body. I wish I could be what I once was. But that once was is only a partial - do I really want to go back to M? Think about it -- the garage Lara, SAL bcream, the blue/white canister at Compton or the jam jar at lab. Really? No, that's not what I mean. IM. SavageMan, long training and long races, all day activities. 

If I could wave my magic wand, what would I want? 

I won a Coaching Scholarship!!!

Friday morning RUN 3.3 miles and after work 2.1 miles,
     and COMMUTE to work 3.5 miles
Saturday RUN 2 miles then
     ELLITICAL 20 min before and 20 min after a STRENTH 40 min push

Sunday RUN 10 miles in DTE trails with LA

I found out Friday morning that the essay I'd submitted to the Hamilton Trained site was selected for a partial coaching scholarship!!! I think it's 3 months of coaching! Now I'm super self-examining, thinking about what I'll say and what goals and what they'll think and more. 

But also really excited to have this - what a gift and what good timing to cover the next three months of schedule change and life change and stress. Last summer it was hard for me to stick to my schedule to run. I'd lost the desire to run in April after a hard 20 miler burned me out. I'd quit, really. But I hadn't quit M. Oh, M most every day. Now, at ~250 days clear, I'm not healed but I'm stopped. This is a great next step!

Gym and commute, flying through audio books

ELLIPTICAL 10 mins then 20 mins
STRENGTH 20 mins roughly, M&S pull A
COMMUTE 3.5 and maybe another 3.5 miles

My "nethers" are pained from this commuting. I'm not wearing bike shorts, I should be. 
And my forearms are tired, I thought through the strength routine to figure out what was so different - and it wasn't - before I realized it was probably new muscles use from holding the handbars!

Good workout this morning, a bit slow to get to the gym but all on time and no rush. I really dislike rushing. And the lack of rush, the lack of travel, the lack of having to compress things - has given me so much time to just relax, catch up, re-establish good habits, sleep, eat, and exercise. I need to hold on to this great feeling of .... calm, security, clarity. 

I'm still bouncing M3, but I'm leaving on time. M3 is stressed. It needs to be Still. 

Went to the gym; Commuted to work; Thinking about a marathon!

RUN (some walk) with LA 3 miles
Car ride to corner by gym, then STRENGTH 20 mins Push A
RUN 1.4 miles home
COMMUTE! (how many miles is my commute?!) about 3.5 miles, 7 if I bike home

Up early again for LAs work, so a shorter run. Then he gave me a ride to the corner of Jackson, I did my new M&S Push A workout (doing these different now, increased reps but not pushing to increase weight), then run home.

1348! PROGRESS
A week ago was a hormone high, not sure of the exact start.

Day 244 without M! PROGRESS!

Brekkie, then actually wavering about biking to work. But not a single regret once I get here to admit my hesitation. Where will I park? What shoes will I bring to work? Do I need extra carbs to ride home? Jeezus, my head. 

Yesterday Josh at work asked a few questions about ultra marathons, and in talking to him I realized just how much I MISS IT. The moment I turned my light off at 3am in Kansas. The cerebellar shut-down of Farmdale. The SCAD. 

No. The slow steady sunrise after a night run. The setting of the sun leaving the day to night, and the sounds that change tunes as the sun sets. The transcendence of the peace and quiet of the night. The power of pushing yourself to new levels. 

So yesterday I called up the marathon calendar, threw the idea out to LA, and looked up a training plan. I'll need a new one. I found that 16-20 weeks will be needed, and to race in Oct or Nov we need to start soon. We already have!!

I wavered about going to the gym, too, I'll confess. 

Also, my current audio book Stillness Is The Key - while having too many quotes and anecdotes about dead people - giving me an idea of a next challenge - to sit in Stillness for M3. I'm a bouncy mess with it right now! Is there an app with a 10 minute mediation to get the habit started? 

I'm 

Radiology appointment is done, back in 6 months

RUN 1 mile with LA early am before his 630 shift
ELLIPTICAL 10 mins then 20 mins after
STRENGTH M&S Legs A

Nice morning, pretty and calm, dropped LA off at work then gym. I couldn't find a reverse hyperextension machine, so I swapped in back extensions (using chest instead of legs). Started the Hillsdale course on Constitution 101, so far scoring 90% on quizzes.

Buy gas, home shower brekkie, hospital for mammography (all is good and stable, but come back in six months for more imaging to show more stability), then work. I wasgonna do surgeries today, but the half day think isn't going to work.

I'm limiting Reddit to art only, so instead of wasting my time there I started on the Hemingway List and found Wuthering Heights eBook. Tough read to get into, complicated characters.

So currently: I'm finishing the Mary Russell 0.5 audiobook, reading Wuthering Heights eBook, reading War and Peace actual book, Hillsdale 101 Constitution course, and next up audiobook is Stillness is Key from the James Clear book list. 

The strength workout -- I did 3 sets of 15 at a weight I could do 45 reps at without burnout. My arms that felt so tight and sore yesterday are much better today so I'm thinking tomorrow I could get back into a Push workout. 

Solo weekend

Friday RUN in morning, and STRENGTH push in the evening
Saturday RUN 1 mile WU, STRENGTH pull, RUN 4.5 miles in afternoon
Sunday Rest!
Monday (today) RUN 5 miles with LA

We got up at 430am! He starts urology subI today. 

Good weekend alone, spent time bouncing in and out of Moria (but didn't fall totally in), visited $ store and successfully limited treats there, did lots of cleaning (floors mopped and vacuumed, shower, glassware and windows, dusting, more), lots of art (2 butterflies to sell, finished apple blossom colored pencil, arlette monochrome), and when I wasn't bouncing or cleaning - reddit. 

I really need to quit reddit. Again! Limited only to ART. 

I'm sore still from the push and pull, I was supposed to do legs yesterday but I was just tired. And on reddit! 

This week - biking to work or not? 

I see changes to make

Thursday RUN 2.5 miles in the morning, and some floor "beginner" stuff in evening alone
Friday RUN WALK 3 miles in the morning, and plan STRENGTH this evening at gym

Lev flies out today (Friday) and it's stressing me. A weekend alone isn't fun. And the postponed exam weighs on my mind when I don't think he is studying like I thought he would be (STEP was delayed so he could study more, I agreed to it kinda on that basis) and this was a topic of sour conversation last night before bed. He says he's studying at work, he doesn't have time to study at home. I counter that he gets out of work before 5 pm and goes to bed 11 pm and thus that's a lot of hours. That wasn't the point of it though, the point was my pushing my expectations on him, as to what I expect him to be doing and how. 

This isn't new? I recently read that people who can't control themselves try to control other people. Is that me? 

Now's my time to enact a schedule to keep on track

Wednesday STRENGTH Lev's abs workout, varied

I should RUN tonight, and do STRENGTH at gym tomorrow morning? We're off schedule today, this morning LA had an appt for allergies and we had time only for his abs session (2' plank, 100 crunches, flutter kicks, obliques, russian twists, bicycles, and some Jon Hole thing) that he designed. Ideally, today would have been a PPL session, but that's pushed into tomorrow. And tomorrow (Thursday) is a run day. 

So I'm at the fork in the road - what do I do to stay on track? Look ahead:

We morning abs and ???

Th morning run

Fr morning run, shorter, PPL in the evening

Sa bike to banks, about 10 miles. Could I run/walk this? 

Su long easy run, or bike to gym and do a PPL. 

5 days to get a P P L in. Two more runs, and a bike ride. A swim? Not bad. LA is out of town Sat and Sun, so easy pickens for a PPL. At least two more runs before he leaves.  ugh. The fork is strong in this one. 

----

I just submitted a follow up to the Hamilton Trained podcast scholarship thing. I sent the first on Monday, and I don't remember if I submitted a WHY I should win section. I wrote and wrote, wondered what someone would think reading it, and submitted it anyway. While I hope to win (like I did free personal training!), I can't really bank on it, can I? 

Do I really need a coach for this? Am I really that bad?

Trying to come up with a plan, a schedule, a set of boxes to check

STRENGTH 5 min planks workout from Connect
RUN 4 miles in unknown, with LA

LA ran yesterday, both am and pm. He's saying he's sore from the Sunday gym session. I'm sore, and I wanted to rest Monday. My hammies and back needed a rest. He's run Sat, Sun, Mon, Mon, and now Tues and he ended up walking after he hit his two mile goal. I kept going, not because I wasn't sore, but because I just wanted it. 

I also wanted a speed session or hills or something technical - but too tired. Oh well. 

I'm still trying to come up with a set schedule. This is hard with our travel and weekends, and with coordinating with LA. 

I have much I'd like to incorporate, and I'm not sure putting it into the old schedule I used to have will work - the run on TWT SS type of thing I mean - so I need to be more flexible. Maybe set a list of goals I'd like to do each week and individualize each week around our schedule?

Aerobic goals:

Long run

Mid tempo run

Technical run

Short in-betweens as time allows, 1-2 miles for example

Strength goals:

Push

Pull
Leg

Abs

Abs

Body goals:

6x/week plank work

4x/ week 15 minutes stretching and relaxing, foam rolling, massage

Weigh-ins:

Wednesday and Weekend

Meal goals:

3x/day follow the plan! 

May 2023: it's 5 or 13, either way - IT SUCKS

Monday REST day. Morning-walk the loop and to stop sign, usual planks, and 6 mins of a stretch routine. Evening - it might snow?! Repeat the stretch routine and walk.

I realized last night that in the past calendar that I've gained more weight than I realized. And looking just now at my log, I've gained that weigh just this year, as in 2023, NOT in the past calendar year. Insert emoji of dismay.

My October 2022 says 129.2. January 2023 says the same thing. Huh? I would have guess January would have been 133-135. 

Regardless. Saturday was 139.2. OK, so it's not the 13 pounds I had in my head, it's 10. But it's 13 from one year ago after working with Coach P and "marathon training". A few pounds different either way, a school of the past year shows 129 to 134 to 130 to 134.98 to 129. Geesh.

Saturday on the start of the DTE run I started mathing. What is it about running and mathing for me?

Think about this - 10 pounds is 35000 cals, divided by a year, is obsessive, is 100 calories extra a day. Wait, is that right? Ugh. How? 

But that's the wrong way here. That's retrospective, although much can be learned from that, it's not solving the forward problem. Or, rather, the forward goal. 

By end of May, be at 133. Now, I keep telling myself "this should be easy enough" since I'm in a hormonal flux (or is that an excuse?!) and I think at least 1-2 pounds are just that. Keep better track of that! 

By end of June 5 pounds down to 128.
By end of July 5 more pounds down to 123. GOAL.

What sux more is that August-ish is surgery date. 

But until then, DO IT.

Follow the meal plan. MB can do it, so can you. 
Get to the gym, there's no need to pay for it! 3 times a week strength.

Stay active, doing great there already and biking soon!!