Balrog has been gone for a year. Monster is next. Day 1.

No workout to report. I thought about biking to work today, but I'm so tired and wiped out. No energy after the past week of travel, bad nutrition, and being sickish.

366 days of NO BALROG. Wow. He's not gone though. Yesterday he asked for access, but was denied. Haha, will this make sense to me in a few years? I suppose it will. Like I say, he's not really gone. Will he ever be? I see no way for him to come back right now. "Him". Really, a "him"?

Anyway.

Life is about to change dramatically. This COVID bullshit is slowly ending, and life will return to normal for everyone else. June starts in 2 days, and June is the last month I have with LA living here in St Louis. After that, he's gone. I'll see him on weekends (and I have a plan to work 4x 10hr days to get Friday off for those weekends), but that's not the same. It's going to suck, it's going to threaten to put me back into the old coping mechanisms of previous years.

Those old mechanisms include M. Lately, it's not even stress relief. It's a way of thinking, a way of being, that only damages me. It sets me back. It's almost self-destructive. No. It's self-destructive. It's just not obvious and direct.

Well, that's must more denial.

What I'm getting to here, is that it's been 366 days of No Balrog, and in one year I want to be able to report back saying "365 days of No M". Do I really want to be in this same place one year from now? Heck, even one week from now? Today?

No. I don't.

M makes things worse yet it's like a die-hard habit living with me. Why does it keep coming back? It's like smoking. I've quit a hundred times. A week, a month, 200 days, a year. So I know I can kick it to the curb. What stops me from keeping it out?

This is getting weak. What I'm getting to here, is that I'm more than ready to stop but I'm facing a situation that causes it. And when LA leaves, that opening for M is there - wide open doors and time and opportunity. How will I deal with it?

Sitting here typing, it's all so easy. Just stop. Just don't. Just go home and one day at a time work through it.

So here's the promise. I don't want to look back AGAIN and see this failure. I don't want to be left alone with M for this next year. I don't want to move with M. So it ends here. It has to.

I hate what I've become; The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

RUN Memorial Day 25th 2.8 miles/3.4 miles with LA
RUN 29th 4 miles! solo run

A whirlwind of stuff lately. I'm not even sure when and how it all happened. Let's see if I can piece it back together.

What did I do last weekend, before Memorial Day. I worked, I think. LA had his kids. So yeah, I worked.

On Monday we went for a run down through the brewery and along Broadway. The goal was 3 miles but we came up short. Still felt good. After that we packed up to get his toys and trailer from St Rob and take that back to my parents. Looooong day driving.

Monday midnight arrival. Tuesday LA and Dad got the toys ready for storage and I visited with Mom, Kaitlynn, and Michelle. Early Weds we left to return the trailer to St Rob. Looooong day driving there and back again to St Louis.

For Monday-Weds brekkie I had all meals pre-packed. I messed up and didn't think Weds would be an all day thing, I think maybe I planned to get dropped off in St Louis while he went alone to drop the trailer in St Rob. Anyway, I ended up eating potato chips and tootsie rolls for Weds lunch. Then Weds night I ate a munch-meal of cheese an potato and a meal of cottage cheese with lots (why did I do so much?!) of baking cocoa. Was I craving minerals? Craving a suffer the next day?

Anyway, I was sick by the time I went to bed. I was dysfunctionally tired. Woke up Thursday so tired and still dysfunctional. And the day went to hell. He went to St Rob again and I was going to go to work but was afraid to leave the bathroom. Ugh. The chocolate and the potatoes, sabotage.

I studied some Russian, I did a little housework, but it was mostly stress and cleaning. Clean the kitchen, the fridge, the bathtub, the bathrooms. UGH.

Friday, same shit. This was yesterday. I was kinda better, less urgent. But still munch-munch meals that are off-plan. I make a plan because it WORKS and then I do this. I went for a run as a sort of self-punishment and was sick within a mile. Was a long 4 miles. Afterwards I fell in to the azucbowl again too. UGH. More sick.

Friday was also 365 days of NO BALROG. WOW!!  More on that tomorrow.

Dream of the 12:38pm New Moon occurring with a Full Moon

RUN Thursday 3.11 miles in 31:38

Nice, comfy 10 min/miles. But I admit it felt faster and I was mildly disappointed that it wasn't sub-10. The last mile squeaked in just under 10 at least. This was a solo run, LA wiped out tired and I let him sleep in.

We've been StRob last few days -- the long drive and the constant go-go-go getting to us. I'm writing this on Saturday -- and on Thursday I cleaned the kitchen, fridge, floors, bathroom and wore myself out. He's been doing the heavier work and the mental work, and this is taking a toll on him faster maybe. That's my guess anyway. I don't have the mental stress, I had it years ago but I can still only guess how this is going in his head. I'm doing all I can to keep my schedule open for him (I skipped work on Thursday entirely!) and I enjoy doing so. But I'm falling behind on my own house, everywhere I look is a mess, but is that really an issue? No. Just a stress for me. It's not something I should be stuck on. So move on.

Thursday morning I had a dream that there was a full moon happening with the new moon at 12:38pm that day. You know I love me some omen numbers!! And 123.8 -- WHOO I like it! In the dream I was trying to get outside to see it, but things kept me from doing so. My and my brain -- this to me is like a sign of something, like today could be special.

I always set new goals by the moon, as a way to benchmark time goals. Naturally I'm doing so with this dream. One year ago on the 31st Balrog died. Wouldn't it be nice to say one year from now, that Monster's been dead for one year?

Good news -- I'm on track to say that May 22nd, 2021.

Running without walking! COVID fucktardary. Medical appointment. St Robert. HOME!

May 10: 8x 4(1) run 3.3/4.1 miles in Forest Park, solo
May 12: 2.65 miles in TGP with LA, no planned walk intervals!
May 17: 3.21 miles NO WALK to Compton Heights, solo
May 19: 2.65/3.06 miles to hilly Lyon Park, with LA, walk as needed

Busy busy last week! Lots going on, but first the focus on RUNNING! As in, I'm running without having to walk! The couch to 10K plan now has me running 30-35 mins "easy". It's funny now as I'm running I'm waiting for the interval timer to buzz my wrist. haha!

LA joins as he can, and we walk if and when needed. The TGP loop was a big goal for me, I wanted to run the loop. Next goal is to run without the walk break. We didn't walk much, but I'm looking forward to this incremental goalage.

My body and hips and all going great. No symptoms of anything. I had a GI fallout last Thursday  morning with the type of RUQ pain I had back in 2014. I was up all night for it. But it came a few hours and went and that was it. No other usual T=6 or T=7 issues like before. Stress caused it?

What else going on? Been going to his house in St Robert to prep it to sell. 4 hours of driving! I'm spending very little time on my own house. My floors and cleaning and yard are all terribly behind, and on some days it stresses me. Other days, I'm more OK with it. But I never seem to lose the naggy feeling. Oh well. Like LA says, when he leaves I'll have all the time. I cried when he said that.

Last weekend (May 15-May 16) we drove to St Robert, painted a while (painting, LOTS of painting to do with that Anew Grey color), then drove his travel trailer to my parents. I got to see Mom and Dad and my Sis and her family!!!  But only for a day. We arrived midnight Saturday morning and left Saturday afternoon. Dad has long COVID hair (like me). Mom fresh out of shoulder surgery. My sis going to school online to get a teaching certificate. James just graduated to kindergarten. Kaitlynn drives her go-cart like a maniac. Steve also not working much, due to public exposure. Sugar came with us (she's also been going to St Robert with us) and got along with Bailey while they were in the orchard yard on tie-outs. Will she be OK in the house? Good news -- we might visit again in two weeks!!!!

Then back to St Robert Sunday. Yesterday and today (Tuesday) I'm at lab. Yesterday he rested (we slept in until 1030!) and today he's at the house. We go back tomorrow and Friday, he goes back all days. Then the kids this weekend. Then....ugh....how does he do it.

We get along great, and I really love the time we have. Thanks to COVID, we've spent days together and I could be happy if it never ended. :)

As for the fucking COVID, work is opening back up and the crazy shit only grows. My hours will be reduced so coworker return. I'm OK with that, more than OK. I need a break. But now there's tape covering a bathroom stall and sick, signs saying a limited number of people per room, arrows to show one-directional travel. UGH for real?! Is this necessary? I admit I live in a sheltered bubble of no news, no social, and little activity in the rest of the world, but I feel like this is an unnecessary intrusion. Whatever, I can't change it. And bitching here doesn't fix anything.

Today had my long-awaited med appointment with specialist for UTI. I like him! Upon listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner. Damn that felt good to hear.

Covid, and April Couch to 10K

Summary of RUN WALK sessions as number of intervals, time of interval. All 1 minute rest. miles run/total miles. I'm not including the walk sessions in the plan here. I'm doing them, but not enjoying them.

APRIL
15x 1 1.46/2.56
15x 1 1.56/2.84
20x 1  2.07/3.67
10x 2  1.97/3.1
10x 2  1.97/3.2
12x 2  2.4/3.37
8x 3  2.36/3.11
MAY
8x 3   2.3/3.14
11x 3  3.57/4.0
8x 4   3.25/4.0

April Totals: 13.8 miles run and 21.85 miles run/walk
May Totals:

Well WOOHOO I'm back to running! And I'm even more happy to say that it's pain-free. None of the post-run pain and stiffness I was feeling in Jan or Feb or whenever I was running before I got sick in March. I have some stiff soreness in both feet after I wake up, that's it.

But I'm not cross training at all. It's MAY for crying out loud and Puppy doesn't even have full air in the tires. Last night I move Frea to store some of LA's books and ugh...I could feel the call of the MCT and the Levee roads across the river.

BE texted that he's keeping the 6am Monday and Tuesday sessions. I haven't joined yet, right now I'm enjoying sleeping in and cuddling. LA would join us, but it seems to spoil something to run us out of bed.

See, for now, I feel like we're in this magical moment in time in which we can have full days together, and too soon that will all be gone. In July it ends and a new life begins for both of us. For him, a new city alone and medical school. For me, I'm alone too but in a familiar place, feeling sorta left behind. I did that before years ago, stayed back one year and managed the clean up of the old life. This will be different though.

These days all feel like weekends. I have to stop and think about what day it is. We sleep in together. Late dog walk and breakfast, usually I make him a big spread of omelet with potatoes. For me is sadly random (see below). Late dog walk. Late arrival to work and a 5-8 hour day. Home to him, and usually a late evening, late to bed.  My old sleep/wake hours are a memory right now!

Haven't been home since...Christmas? The travel ban at work was lifted this past Thursday, um, the 7th of May I think. We took advantage of it to travel to St Rob to work on his house for two days. Lots done there, more to do. I'm happy seeing his stuff coming back to StL, I like seeing his life and seeing his life mix into mine. It feels less like he's living in "my" house, more like it's more "ours", even if it's still mine. Make sense?

I can work all I want, been doing 25-35 hours a week. But I'm still pretty flex about it. You can see one result of it -- my blog posts go from daily to monthly without a regular computer.

Speaking of computers, my new iPhone 5 got splashed with water and while it's drying out I'm using his big 8. Huge. Not used to it yet. It has it's pros and cons. It's big, but that means a big screen! And it was his, kinda oddly a personal gifty way to share.

A few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of the dog bite. I can tell from my 2019 blog entries that this even was a down-turn in my mood and the start of a depression that lasted until December or January with LA. In March last year the M came back, he comes and goes. Balrog came and left by June, no sign since. I was self-destructive and falling apart, the cracks were obvious by October and November.

What a change it's been. I'm trying to solidify this ground before he leaves in July so I don't regress. Right now, I can direct energy to taking care of him with his Disney and medical school issues. How he stays so calm, I mean aside from falling into a bucket of ice cream, is beyond me. I'm trying to learn how he does it. I'm seeing him during what has to be a most painful and stressful time. Yet he's calm, thoughtful, reflective, sorta bitter on some things, yet open and talks about it. I bottle it and hide it away. Or I talk to M.

On the 7th, the one year of the dog bite, there was a full moon at 5:45am. Beautiful!!!! On that day, I resolved to follow my nutritional plan from JenMcD nutritionist. To track and get less random and less "whatthehell" about what I eat. Now that I'm running again, it's more important. And I can identify foods that trigger issues. I've made a list of what to avoid. It's easy enough if it's not available, hard to avoid if avail and I'm stressed. The last I saw M was... April 28, 30, May 5, 6. He's now welcome, he has to go before July begins. I can't take the mental stress of it.

So here I go again. Committed to a training plan with the end goal of a Forest Park loop. Committed to a nutrition plan. Committed to a 1 year plan that will change where I live, where I work, who I live with, and everything!

Now, to commit to taking care of my mice! GO! Then I get to run, the last run/walk interval before I get into straight runs :)