Surgery, and Post Surgery: Week 1

Day of - not much to say except that now I'm 3x with a history of adverse reaction. Yup, again. And there was some much needed perspective in the pre-op, when I overheard my pre-op neighbor saying she was here for a craniotomy for a meningioma (?) and that her husband had died two years ago. Jeezus, and I'm worried about things?!

Woke up, to LA saying he passed STEP2!

Days after - abdomen lumpy swollen, 4 tiny cuts, so damned tired and anxious about my inability to move and do what I want. I feel like time is both dragging and compressed. I can't walk the dog alone yet, can't pick things up, thank fully LA is here too most of the time. 

How are my goals? Why did I make so many goals about exercise and work right before surgery?! Focus for now on fixing the Ms's.

Up to the 1 week mark: On the day, on week after surgery, I went for a run! SHORT. Up Mosquito Hill. Shhhh don't tell anyone. 

I'm still working on my other changes. Y'know, sit down and enjoy M3. We are, but why is it so hard?!

The pain is OK, sneezing and coughing are painful. Leaning back into bed and getting back up, painful. Other than that, bring on week 2.

 

Day Before, Again

Well here I am again, at the Day Before Something, again promising change and evolution. In October, I didn't have access to this (traveling) to put down some thoughts. Now that I do have the opportunity, I'm not sure what to do with it. 

Except promise to get to bed early tonight, because the surgery is at 730am, necessitating a 530am arrival to MH. Ugh. 

And to follow through on my promises for today - mostly, to do the Hard Stuff. 

There's a New Moon tonight at 6:32pm, I'm telling myself that "at 6:32 Things Will Change". Will they? 

Today so far, two meals with a phone, distracted and not paying attention. I want the Hard Stuff today to be Having M3 Be Done Right. 

LA's STEP2 exam results come out tomorrow. I'll wake up in a world in which we have that answer. I have faith in his passing, but...there's always a possibility and that eats at us. 

I'm a little random here. But I did come to say that the last week or two has been a flurry of Habits and Organization and GTD type books. Self helpish type books, from which I derived no solid answers as to how I can get my life back on track. 

Was I ever on track? Really, 10 years ago, was I on track? With Lara bars in the garage? With JBs, with the little blue bowl and spoon? No. I wasn't. I was on track to one goal while flailing at another. Go back 10 years, and take a peek...go ahead...I'll wait... 

2013 I was planning MiTi and B2B; a thursday morning FoPa run, trainer, songlist, wrapping up the year and planning ahead. 

I'm doing the same now, wrapping up and planning ahead. But I wasn't honest with myself 10 years ago. I had a name for it, Monster, but I acted like he didn't exist in the logs. Geezus but the Tag for Monster shows the constant battle. My BuJo from years ago showed the same. And now, spreadsheets. 

Based on one of the books, I started a Daily Questions worksheet. It's in draft form (I say this as TODAY is the start day!). So I'd better be working on that?! Is this another form of BuJo? What are the goals, rewards?

Get to this, get away from here and GO.

I probably won't be back here for a week. I can email it in. But the goals:
1. Plan for mindful, healthy, no-stress meals without distractions of iphone, book, and calls

2. Look for moments of solitude, meditation, and engagement

3. Focus on improvements in art, russian, exercise, etc, instead of coasting through them

4. Connect with friends and family, especially LA and Nova

5. Calm the Fuck Down

December starts off in Nashville, and in stress

Monday nothing
Tuesday 25 min RUN/WALK with Nova
Wednesday nothing, snow, turkey cooking morning
Thursday, another nothing

Friday, I forget
Weekend, I got long dog WALKS on both days.

Monday we got in bed around 230 am, I was up at 7am (how?!) and back to work in a busy pre-surgery pre-holiday week. Renewed interest in WHBM type shopping, self care, and it was a good weekend overall to start the month. LA and I are both on edge, snippy, and short tempered. We're OK, but the stress is really underlying everything it seems. Waiting for STEP results and tired from traveling.

Tuesday up to run with Nova, then to work. Last night M3 was OK but random. I need to find casserole multi serving things to help. 

Wednesday the calendar says that next Tuesday before surgery is a new moon at 6:32pm. I need to quit deciding things based on the moon phase. But...New....metaphorphosis, evolution, again, repeat. I said this too in October before the surgery was delayed. Here I am again. Get specific. Get into it. Try dammit. 

Thursday no oats last night, and my gut feels so much better today. Yesterday, after Tuesday's oats for dinner, I was full and pained and bloated and heavy. Yesterday 1336, today 1308. Go figure. Lots of stress with the planning to go to Madison this weekend. I'd much rather we stay home and rest but I'm OK to go. LA, I think he needs down time to rest and get stuff done, he seems to want to go. I already like Madison, I don't need to take yet another weekend on the road to see it. 

Friday  not oats and no dates last night, and 1314 before a big BM. Finally the oats from the other night, haha? OOOhhhh some FB, regretted. Rice, regretted. I didn't want it but I wanted.....something. We did get a nightly dog walk, I did get to bed at 9pm, reading and Russian. 

Still no morning exercise, we're both stressed out waiting for the STEP 2 results.

Saturday and Sunday LA slept in A LOT, stress, waiting, and thankfully in the end we didn't go to Madison. We didn't need to. We needed this rest. What I didn't need though  was to find gluten free oreos, munch all day until I feel queasy, and still feel so unsatisfied and stressed. 

I have more excuses...

Monday Long day at work, nothing
Tuesday Step2 and hand therapy morning, ice and snow, nothing yet. Afternoon cold dog walk!
Wed Vande interview and we slept in until 8am!?
Thursday repeat of Monday
Friday RUN 3.1 miles solo felt great, then STRESS as we try to get out of town on time
Saturday and Sunday, Nashville

I'm running out of things to say here, but not really. Monday was a full moon morning, "change", then M3 isn't change at all. I 'repent', pray for change, think "I could start in December" and "I could start after STEP2", and ugh, all the procrastinations and delays and excuses. "I should start a bullet journal". "I can go to the gym tonight instead". "I could do an app workout at home". I've said all this so far, just today, and it's only 930am. 

I really  just want to focus on M3, fixing M3. No phone, sit, no rush. 

Weds - last night I recovered from Monday's 250+ CO, and there will be no change until I change. There's so much I want to say here, so many problems I want to solve, so many thoughts, so much help I want to find. But sadly I have to go to work!

Ugh, what a Friday. RUSHED.

Sat and Sun, 1300 and I come back monday dehydrated and full at 129.4
Renewed interested in WHBM type shopping!