Fonta Flora 50K - 50th birthday race report

50K trail event in 9:08 with LA

We traveled to NC Friday night, arriving later than ideal but we're sadly getting used to that. We checked into a hotel that we learned had six feet of water last year when the hurricane came through. Our room was new (except the bath vent!) and while that's nice, it was sad to know why it had to be rebuilt. And that many residents in the area don't have their homes back. Or their cars. Or their lives. 

Race morning - cold! I was layered with a long sleeve, shrug, and STL Tri Club coat. That coat goes everywhere! Camelbak, compression socks, Craft shorts, and my March 2025 Adrenalines that don't have much life in them, but then had more space than the ones I just bought. I wanted to still have toes by mile 10. 

We'd broken this race down into 4-6-4-6-5-5 which was the distances between the aid stations. 

This wasn't a large race, maybe 100 runners? I love the ultra vibe (aura, as the newer Gens call it) - casual, laid back, chatty, open, rugged. It's a crowd I'm comfortable in. We made a race-long friend before it even started - the camera guy who saw me and Lev holding hands, and jokingly went to hold Lev's other hand as we walked to the start flags. :)

4-6-4-6-5-5 0-4 miles

8am start, around a meadow to spread us out. We jogged this, wet grass that had an herby smell to it. Then onto single track, lined up like a train. Lev kept jogging and I fell back. I fell back even more when I let the runners behind me scoot around. I can't deal with runners up my tailpipe like that, unless I'm racing and want the push. Today, no push. 

I was quickly alone in the first 1-2 miles. By mile 1, my lonely head started back on my Moria issue, and I thought "hey it's been 30 years of this, and I have 30 miles ahead of me, so let's review!". My head can be shitty to me sometimes! Mile 1 - coming home alone in 1993-94 era and home alone to Moria. Mile 2 - being alone in the dorm in 1996 spring and alone with a tupperware. I passed a guy limping, he said I was chipper today. Well yeah, it's my birthday!! Mile 3 - kept going in a spin - until I FELL. WHAM. I'd been tripping and unfocused, this was my karma for that. At that mile, I thankfully jumped tracks and thought about better things (like how stupid I was being) until Aid Station #1 around 3.8 miles. 

0-6-4-6-5-5 4-10 miles

Lev and I caught up, rather he waited, at this water-only aid station. Was this the lake? Yes. Is this a water station later? No, the next one is up the hill, and the volunteer pointed behind him. Over the bridge, to the left, back on trail. We were together sometimes at the beginning of this section but Lev was moving faster and soon enough took off. I took my 1st of many biobreaks here. The two women I'd passed earlier were behind me, I occasionally heard their voices. 

Bippity boppity alone entirely with my head. A mess. Various past discussions and problems would surface, about 1 per 0.1 miles it seemed. Sometimes I entertained them. Most times I'd be like seriously WTF are you doing here in my head. But it's how I sorted out problems, but it was mostly useless problem solving that wouldn't solve anything. This is how I got to running with podcasts, I needed someone else's problems. Lev was trying to call me and I was receiving messages from family. I saw them on the Garmin, but to stop and pull off the gloves and pull out my phone meant a stop or a stumble. I couldn't do it, plowed on doing my brisk walk and breaking into a slow jog when I was going to briskly to continue walking. The lead runners were coming back at this point. Damn - they ran 20 miles in the time I did 10!! AS #2 was a tent in a turn near the campground. Lev was just ahead of me, the volunteers pointed him out and I took off after his orange hat. 

0-0-4-6-5-5 10-14 miles

This section started out on a gravel road along a camping area, right turn onto a road with an electrical pole emergency. Utility trucks, emergency vehicles, and a grassy detour through a neighbor's yard. Lev was head, walking and jogging, I was making slow progress to him. As the runners were coming back, one of them claimed it was the prettiest part of the course, and I believed her. What part of the course was she running?!

After a turn off the road back to single track, we hit a burned-out area. The full sun was warm and bright without a canopy to shield us. The ground went from soft pine needles, dirt and root to washed-up but dry mud. Smooth but dry and lifeless. 

I haven't mentioned the flora here yet, just how beautiful the weekend was. Perfect weather, perfect. Cloudy early and more sun later. Dry trails smoothed by mountain bikes. A pine-ish canopy in many areas, with trees shedding green needles onto soft ground. In other places under the canopy we could see far into the forest, where spikes of bright red fall colors stood out. The lake had a green tinge in the first miles, later bright dark blue. Ferns abounded, reminding me of a paleolithic era diorama. Maples (?) that had burned into a deep purple. Ground flora I didn't' recognize and mean to look up. Small lavender purple asters as a last wildflower of the season. And the magnolias - oh my the magnolias. Not the type at our house, but a wild variety with long thin leaves, droopy branches that made an arched canopy over the trail and reminded me of Opryland. At times, we were surrounded by magnolia and hugged along the trail by their light and windy branches, still with green leaves. This was a pretty trail!!

The 3rd AS was the drop station and I needed it as I was low on water. Lev picked up his water here (he'd run without it until now, mile ~13, which might not have been the best idea since we got separated). He changed shoes and insoles, as planned. I picked up sweet potato, plantain chips. We saw camera guy again. Few other runners. In, out, go. Lev clocked the stop at 6 minutes.  After we'd left, about mile 15, I checked the clock and we were at 4 hours. GOOD! In the desert section (what Lev called the burned out area), he gave me the impression that we were short on time for cut-offs. 

I haven't mentioned nutrition yet!! Prerace banana and coffee. For the entire run: 2 salted japanese sweet potatoes, a few AS cut bananas, a few AS clementines, later on potato chips, a box of raisins, serving of plantain chips, small handful of nut raisin trail mix. Doesn't seem like much but it was just right. 

0-0-0-6-5-5 14-21 miles

After this we mostly walked, fast and brisk, but running was mostly out for Lev. He was having leg and foot cramps. I led the way as he still walked faster than I did, and I'd figured out in our training runs that I couldn't walk his pace or stride and had to sometimes jog a bit to keep pace. And a shorter step. This worked, I led. Pulling him like he pulled me in 2019 Wisconsin. He kept stumbling, and I kept encouraging food and water. He was eating only jelly beans it seemed. And he wasn't peeing. Me on the other hand, pee'ing quite a bit! Good. This section was pretty, in and out along the lake, but we were aching to see the AS after the bridge. We needed it like a mental reward to know this section was done. 

The utility trucks were still gathering, the road still closed, and the grassy detour still in place. A volunteer said a backhoe went too high and hit the pole? At the AS, water and potato chips, some trail mix. I hope a squirrel enjoys the 3 M&M's I donated to them. 

0-0-0-0-5-5 miles 21-26

Continued walking, Lev suffering way more than me and getting grumpy. I was hurting for sure, but since it was less than I expected to be hurting it bothered me less. My left foot bunion toe was aggravated. My right ankle was hurting both at the bone chip site and achilles, every stumble took a toll on it. My knees were getting tight and the soft tissues pulling. My hips, both hips at the IT/illiac/? were sore. But not hurt. I could move, even jog. 

I stopped soon after the AS to lube my left toes, good thing I did as a blister was forming between 3 and 4. Later on the right foot wanted the same but I didn't stop for it. This section drug on, our mileages off and this left Lev thinking "why did they lie to us about the mileages?!". I'm used to it, and I wasn't watching the garmin at all closely. I know trail races aren't accurate, and we'd had a trail detour earlier that changed us a few tenths. But he couldn't accept it, he needed the break. Unfortunately, this break was the one at the top of the hill. By the time we reached the top, we wasn't amused and was complaining. 

Oh hon, if you only knew how much it means to me that you did this with me!! This is how we started years ago, pulling each other through the tough times!  

0-0-0-0-0-5 miles 26-31+change

More of the same. Walking, me leading, Lev cussing at every stumble, me smiling and at point near tears of amazement. We finally got to walk along the lake through a sandy beach area. Back onto trail, and now in these last 10 miles some tough fire road section hills. Then gravelly roads with hills. Was this the first or second 5 miles section? I think the first, but I'll leave mention of it here. 

Through trees, more rocks, magnolia canopies along a noisy creek. Lev pointed out that we crossed this on the outbound. But I don't remember it!? I was so in my head, and when running with him I wasn't, and that's a great summary of my mental status in this race. The 10 miles without him was a struggle, the 20 with him I could focus on him too and it distracted me from me. 

He wanted to quit. He wasn't enjoying it. He regretted doing this. He said this is too much. He said....

But I was so happy. Miles from goal, 3.5, 2.5, 1.5, 1 mile, 0.8 mile. A volunteer, a guy from germany we later chatted with, said 0.8 that's how I got that oddly specific number, haha. I knew Lev wouldn't stop, he doesn't. It's something I admire in him, although it can be painful to see and even damaging, he won't stop once he has a goal. How else did he get this far in life with so much success?

The volunteer said we'd hear the music. I did. I saw the finish area! I'm pulling Lev along, he threatened to finish first. We came through the gates and arch and DONE!! A hug, a kiss, a photo. WE DID IT!!!!!

---

We talked to the German volunteer while Lev drank some purple haze drink from the brewery. We had a soup that was D-lish, to the car, to the grocery. He'd been promising himself potatoes and Brie cheese for the last 20 miles :)

Hotel, dinner, calm. Pained, but not injured. Blistered, but not bleeding. Tired, but not dead. 

The last miles of this race, I was starting to stumble and didn't trust myself to rush over rock and root. But as I'm doing it and push pulling us, I realized that if I can make myself do all this, I can do anything I really want to do. I can change what I do. I can fix my mistakes. I CAN CHANGE. 

Reply from Coach

Melly… that's not just a journal entry — that's myth forged into mission.

You just mapped your comeback in Tolkien's language: the Fellowship of You.

Yes. You are Gandalf the Grey right now — weary, wise, still carrying the light, but standing at the edge of the Bridge with your Balrog of habit roaring in your face. The fight ahead isn't about calories, steps, or reps. It's about commanding your will when no one is watching.

Here's what I see in your words:

• Moria is the pull of avoidance, the tunnel of noise you slip into when the weight of life feels too heavy.
• The Bridge of Khazad-dûm — that's the moment you say, "No more autopilot." Every time you stand at that counter and choose to breathe instead of bite, you swing your staff and shout, "You shall not pass!"
• The fall and rise of Gandalf — that's your next year. You will fall again, fight again, and rise sharper, calmer, and whiter in purpose. The same you — purified by fire, not destroyed by it.

You asked: Will I find life in me again?

Yes. But not all at once. You'll uncover it layer by layer, breath by breath, rep by rep — until one day you realize Moria isn't home anymore.

When you step into that race tomorrow, let this be your mantra:

"This is my battle with the Balrog. Every mile is proof I still rise."

Half Century Bee - Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Bee! This post will be a bit different, written a day before your birthday and added to after your birthday. Unless tomorrow after your 50K race you feel up to making a few additions!! Might not, haha, so be kind if there's a delay. I'll schedule this post to go out late on the 25th so I can search it out there in the future. 

Because I know someday I'll look back for this post to see it again. We're in the car on the way to NC for the race and LA asked what I was doing, typing away here. I said I'm working on a brain dump, then on my birthday post. 6 years together, he didn't know that I did this. I don't talk about the blog much. I don't post much here either. 

He asked if I'm happier this year than I was before. I called up a few posts to review. 2015 I was freshly moved, hip injured, and eager to improve training. 2019 I'd met him for Country Bob's breakfast and went for a bike ride, choosing to spend the evening with him over SO. 2020 was COVID and more desire to change. 2021, 2022, repeated laments about my lack of fitness, self love, available time, bad habits, continued problems. 

So I supposed I'm expected to lament here too? I'm here firstly to review. Let's start there, then lament. Since last year, happily and sadly not much has changed. We love our TN house and TN jobs. The drive to see kids is shorter and they are older and more stable. I'm way more secure at my new career, less on edge about coworker and what I don't know. So my life on the job front is very stable and happy. Next on the happy list would be my marriage, also stable but with ups and downs expected from two people who think and have opinions. I recently overheard (by accident or by design, I don't know) a fight between my parents that shifted how I feel about conflict with loved ones. I realized too just how stupid it was. Speaking of family, I don't see them much. Don't talk to them much. And it hurts. Today in my birthday card from Jessica she said that she feels like everyone else around her is aging while she stays the same, and god damn if that ain't just the best way to put it. 

My parents are aging fast, and I'm developing a guilt ridden fear about them being gone and I wasn't there for them the last year to enjoy them while we are all adults, to have a relationship that's more adult and less kid, and to be there as the relationship shifts from them caring for me to me caring for them. That's coming, and I'm not there. I see it already in my mom, who is sick since April and I fear my own path down the road of medical issues confused with mental issues. I see my dad seeming more frail and thin and bent every visit, but steady and healthy. My nightmare is losing them. 

That's another new thing, sudden swings of emotion. Menopause type stuff? Sudden and easy urges to cry. Like right now. Like when reading my old posts full of Sugar and pain and desire for change. 

While on the topic of health (so rambling today, as I sit in the car on the way to Nebo. LA driving and eating sunflower seeds...) I saw a neurologist this week and I start botox soon for the facial spasms. I'm getting older, but not botox for that reason. Otherwise, health is great. If you ignore the near constant aches and pains. Some mental? Some aging? Some old injuries. Just wait 24 hours until this race is done, and we'll talk again about aches and pains. My right hip. My left foot, is it a bunion? Will they survive tomorrow? 

While on the topic of the race, I bought new shoes but they fit awful, like, WTF did Brooks do?! So I'm in my Adrenalines from March, and I have my old orthotics for the drop bag in case it's just all wrong tomorrow. We'll be walking most of it, we didn't train much at all. I know we always say that, I'm so undertrained, but trust me this time - we aren't trained. We walked most of our training, some running, a few 20 mile days (3?) and that's it. LA suffered bilateral foot sole blisters in training. Suffered from fatigue and work and more and we just didn't train. When we reached what is normal the Peak Week for training, I just started to give up on it. 

The last few weeks flew by, hell the last 200 days did. 200 days ago I set out with this long list of goals to have fixed by tomorrow. Fail. Too much? Wrong goals? Unable to change? Not sure, but they're the same goals of STFD to eat, and no mug meals, and etc, that it's been for years. I can report some progress: (I just opened my Reminder App to find that I have 6 hours left on my 200 days goals. Fuck). 

I was RC FB free for 64 days but that blew up 3 days ago. Fuck. 

I'm at 395 days of a gallon of water a day, but a few days ago I quit counting as I'm mostly habit and over hydrated anyway. So f that too. 

650 days of No S and No F. Win. 

1142 days of No M. 

2154 days since LA moved in

And 2340 days since Balrog, or 6.4 years. 

So see I can change, but why don't things change? Why am I still out of shape when I want to be in shape? Why do I want more time for art and hobbies but then I don't do art and hobbies? Why do I keep falling into Moria when I know it's the pit of the Balrog and Orcs? 

It's stupid to think that I'll magically wake up tomorrow morning and Be Different. Has that ever worked before? All those moons, purchases, anniversaries, haircuts, etc, those didn't change anything. (That list could go on and on...)

But I can change. And it didn't take a moon or a piece of jewelry to do it. It took ME. I changed. I decided that enough was enough and I stopped Balrog. Enough was enough and I stopped Monster. Azuc, same. S and F, same. News, same. 

But (is an excuse to follow?) those are easier changes to measure. Well some are. My next habits of Posture, Poise, Calmness, aren't yes/no goals they are on a spectrum. At least the way I've laid it out. And so with the help of CoachGPT (see previous post) I'm looking for ways to microchange slowly. 

Smaller goals that I can hit everyday, and fewer goals to hit everyday. 

I'm terribly disappointed in the lack of change I wanted to see in me but didn't, but Coach keeps making a good point - that the goals are changing now that I'm older. It's important that I'm showing up, that I'm still in the arena, that I'm learning to recognize the problems. While it's frustrating to keep hearing him say that, it's also frustrating to know that he keeps saying it because nothing else is changing that would prompt him to give a different answer. And that's on me. The change part. 

So all this about Change, but what do I want to change? Earlier this year when I bought a new bullet journal (yeah, that again) here's some of what I wrote, not really in order. 50 things broken up into themes: improve appearance (make up, hair, clothes); improve posture and poise (handwriting, thoughtfulness); improve relationships (showing up, better gifts); improve house and tasks (minimize and streamline); improve personal time (hobbies, reading, art, athletics). Etc etc, that's the general gist. Now I did hit some goals good there, but the real Gold Nuggets - not so much. 

I thought I could lose some of the weight I'm carrying - both the physical and the emotional. Not so much. All the same, 200 days later. Those same goals are still waiting, like me, waiting. Waiting for life to suddenly get easier and I'll have Time and Space to Do Things and Visit Family and Catch Up. Like, when will that happen? 

It won't, it seems. I've been waiting for years. [My sis just called....gotta get my line of thought back from Mom's Mayo and the ingredients in Celsius drink and softball...]. [Man note to self, don't ever drink Celsius].

Now I'm just waiting for my train of thought to return. I have time, there's an accident ahead that has us stopped on the interstate. 

Where was I trying to go with this. I keep thinking that next week or next month will somehow be different, when in fact while somethings do change like jobs and house, the internal stuff tends to stay the same. I still want/need to sleep 8 hours a night and will miss out on things to accomplish that. I still eat the same foods, same habits, and what I'm really getting at here is the inability to make solid and lasting change that will improve my day to day life. 

But what is that change, what has to change? Add another few hours to the day, 27 instead of 24, haha. Well there's only so many hours in a day and they ain't changing that any time soon, so I gotta find time somewhere else. I already know where it is. Moria. 

Up to Moria. Home to Moria. Moria for hours. That hasn't changed, and let's finally be honest here, that's the Golden Nugget I need to get this magical gift of Time. Moris supersedes dog walks, cleaning, art work, personal time, patio time, book reading, all that. In the past, it's interrupted family time (remember the family holiday at Michelle's, remember that easter visit with mom and dad in Wyoming house, remember that visit to grandparents in CA?) and those interruptions are deep psychological wounds full of guilt and remorse, embarrassment and shame. Remember the azuc in the Margolis break room area? Mike Casey walking in? The garbage can while Kat and Andy were right fucking there the whole time? What was worse, the look from Todd that day with my pants falling off, or the looks as things reversed course and the pendulum swung to my pants not fitting at all. 

That's the emotional baggage, concerned with the physical baggage. What I carry around I can see in the mirror both in clothes and in my soul. I can remember this on weekends at home, in IVCC or at UIUC, so it's been ... 1995 ish? The pasta maker, remember? The dough? Dad finding it? What did my parents think when things disappeared like they did? Did they come home and notice? Did the shopping list change for it? 

I've wondered too, why didn't someone say something to me? Why didn't someone see what was happening and pull me aside and say anything at all to me. Or, did they, and I didn't hear it? I was waiting for it, hoping maybe even? Did I really want my dad to tell me to put the food down and leave the sink? Did I really want someone to take the cheese away from me at the holiday party? Did I? I suffered alone for so long. But I hid it so well. Excepting the garbage can find. Did my uncle ever wonder about his pantry boxes? 

Remember the garage at the Compton house? Jelly belly and lara? Powerbars? Remember the post Dollar store Dogwood run? Remember every time, thinking This Is It, The Last Time, but it wasn't?

Do I really think that my eating the rice cake and fake butter (no more being coy here, call it what it is) today was The Last Time so it's OK To Do? Remember making that promise at the end of the Kansas 100? There was a new moon, too, Oh yeah, I was Done With It. How did that go?

It didn't, and here I am 9 years later with the same promises. 

So what am I supposed to do then? Give up? Tell myself, it's been 30 years of this shit it ain't gonna change!

Or what Coach GFP tells me, that I'm still on the field ready for the ball and that's what matters. 

Coach said today that every old regret is one I can start rewriting today. He's really into that cliche motivational shit. At least he hasn't give me up as a lost cause. 

When I'm able to claw my way out of Moria, I'll find the time I want. 

When I'm able to chose a walk over Moria, I'll find the exercise and outdoors I want. 
When I'm able to leave, sit, focus, breath, in and out of Moria, I'll be more of who I want to be. 

Think on this, tomorrow maybe, and during the next 2.5 hours of driving. Coach has already said it's a dopamine thing, a habit loop to break, and cliches and all - he's right. It's a choice I have to make. 

I need to choose Me, over Moria. I need to cross the Bridge of Khazad Dum, the whole You Will Not Pass thing, the decision to draw the line and take up the hard fight that's ahead to make this happen. Like the Fellowship, I will have to let something go in order to leave, and to have it come back later as Saruman the White, or Saruman as he was meant to be. Am I like Gandalf the Grey? Do I need to fight my battle with the Balrog and Orcs, to fight for days until I smote his ruins upon the mountain side, to be sent back to finish the job of why I'm here, to live my life as it should be? 

Will I find life in me again? 

I love you Bee, 50 years of us. Have a good run tomorrow. It will hurt. It's supposed to hurt. This could be your battle. Not The Battle, but a battle to the end. 

Love,  

From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the earth... But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.

 

Pre Race Jitters, Pre Birthday Thoughts

Not much at all lately, except working with a new coach - CoachGPT. Yes, seriously. He's (she's?) been.... good but.... something else

It started as a simple Could you build a workout plan for me? Sure! It progressed to meal plans, habit formation, dopamine discussions, more with an oldly soldier/commander/ops type of theme. I'm thinking I need more of a Gandalf than a military theme. When he (let's just assume it's a he) uses words like I'm a commander and mission etc it feels deficient. Like, if I have so much "command" of things, why do I need so much help? 

Much of what he's said is true and hits home. Hard. Insights and mantras that are 112% correct. Like, hunger fades faster than regret. Oof. 

I might try to program him to be more Gandalf than Jocko. I did suggest a Jocko like personality, but it's coming across as cliche. 

We are currently driving to the Fonta Flora 50K in Nebo NC. Four more hours in a car. Always in a car lately. 

Because we're in a car so much, we have very little training under our belts. Last weekend we hiked about 5 miles. Last Tuesday we ran/walked 3 miles. Before that was Columbus Day and travel. Before that we had 3 THREE!!!!! weekends to ourselves! Amazaballs, and Rare. However we'd set out with a goal of 20 miles walking and barely make it. LA would get a blister and we'd stop. He'd get tired and my suggestion of a "broken run" (a run broken into two times) became the norm not the exception. I rolled with it, in part because if I tried to go out the door without him it was "you're going without me?!" and I felt bad. The way I described it, this was his fault. It wasn't entirely. And it wasn't the fault of anyone's really unless you want to give Life Commitments the fault. Work, kids, travel, life. 

Life has been stretched thin lately. I keep thinking, though I know otherwise, that life just isn't going to change on it's own to get better. I have to change to make it better. Art hobbies? Ha. When?! It took a month or more to finish the magnolia colored pencil. I have a tomato, 8x10 panel, and door panel on my stained glass gift list, along with a chrysalis for me, along with a long-desired but seemingly-impossible idea of getting back into a side hustle with it. 

Visiting my family? Was supposed to happen in Sept. Nope. Was gonna happen in Oct. Unless I go next weekend, nope. A few mins ago my sis texted to ask if we are going to be there with kids for xmas. Ugh, that's just around the corner. 

I thought earlier this year about Hungry Root or a similar meal prep service to help out. $$$ so no. But couldn't I mimic it? Sure, in a damned rush with foods that in the end I don't like. Coach GPT is trying to help with that. 

I still come home to stand at the counter to eat. I still have mug meals. I still fall into Moria. I still want to Monster. That's just crazy. 

Last three days, today included because "it's the last one before I turn 50 and I won't do this when I'm 50" I've been at the FB and RC to the point I hate myself over it. Coach says I can act different tomorrow. Tomorrow, will it really be different than the 10+ years of yesterdays I have? 

I could say that for Monster. And Balrog. At one point I did put a line down and didn't cross it again. (confession, today with the FB.... Monster wanted to be there too). So I can draw a line, I can hold to it, I can I can I can. 

Well this is turning into more of a Birthday post, so I'm off to create that so I'm not repeating this too much. 

10-02-2025 10 years later

Nothing so far this week, LA is working longer hours and I'm riding to/from work with him. Last few days we leave at 7am and come home around 8pm. Nova...she's doing OK but I feel terrible about it. 

I don't have a post for 10 years ago, I was busy moving. Today in 2015 was the day I bought my Wyoming townhouse! I didn't post until the 16th, to report that a few days after moving I felt injured in the hip. Was it the hip. The left one that was repaired in 2017? No, I think it was from the iliac biopsy. 

Later in the month I posted:  

Where am I right now, and where do I want to be tomorrow? 

So where to next? Start rebuilding! My mantra the past few days has been on where I want to put my life energy and my focus. I'm 40 years old now. I'm a big bee! I can make decisions for ME that are GOOD for ME, I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness anymore. I want to take care of myself, focus on my hive, and get back to that strong feeling I enjoy. Both physical and mental and dietary and health and all of that together. It's hard to put into words! But that's where I want to go in the next year -- to rebuilding my life in a new form that doesn't harm me or those around me.

23.5 miles

Saturday 15 miles (56 mins running) and 6 miles, both mostly walking fast

Sunday 2.5 miles my usual 45 mins

LA is blistered, my foot hurts too but I can't complain about it. Hips and feet are better than expected. So we didn't reach our goal of 25 or 26 or 26.2. 

I didn't reach my goal either of STOPPING THE MORIA shit. Conveyor belt. PoChips. Rice. More. 

I even googled W30 again. That's NOT the answer. If you can BLE away from NoS NoF, then you can Bee away from the potato chips that upset your stomach. 

This morning before opening this I had to degrease my laptop keyboard. 

Today my gray pants don't fit any better, in fact, worse...?

But today I did 10 mins of yoga hip mobility as planned. I sought out time with LA. Wins. My bottle of water already empty. I didn't buy more dairy over the weekend. I have shoes to buy to replace the worn out ones. I cleared my to-doist list from 23 to 10. I painted the rails at the front of the house. Meal prepped (that still takes too long). 

So much good. Focus on that. 

But also focus on the fact that from day 200 to day <30 - no substantial change. 
Scrubs - no substantial change. 

71 days of new app - no substantial change. 

Why not?

Fears. Failures.

Monday - Weds no walking?!

Monday rain. Tuesday right ankle out of place and painful. Weds morning my left big toe tarsal bone hurt like a stress fracture all morning, by afternoon it's OK. On top of it all, we leave the house by 7am and get home around 6pm. We're wiped.

I'm home hungry. Monday we sat to dinner right away together. Yesterday I was alone at the ctop with PP and PC. I thought I had a deficit. I think that EVERY DAY. I'm wrong. EVERY DAY.

Why? No planning. Triggers. Not trying. 

In my head, I wonder why LA doesn't go to bed when he's tired. Stop eating if he thinks he's fat. Then I realize I'm talking about myself. If I don't want to be in Moria, then why am I there?!  

100 days left in the year. Welcome Fall.

10. I usually put the miles I finished there, but now it's the goal number. 

123 is the goal. I have 34 days to my bday. I'd started out when I had 200 days to go with all these plans for change and improvement and Get Better. I didn't get very far on that. I'm still the same. Just more frustrated, disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if I should give up and just stay where I am. But then it seems like things would just get worse if I quit trying. I wonder that if I quit trying, instead of staying in place I'd slide backwards. So I have to keep trying just to stay where I am. 

What kind of treadmill is that? The Red Queen? Looking...

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”

The Red Queen's Race. Not sure it is really meant to apply the way I'm using it. 

I keep saying i'M cHaNgInG but I'm NOT. I continue to fall into Moria every single fucking day. Every day I wish that I'd quit the mug meals, containers, standing, Azog, noms, randoms, unmej, before 8, after 8, doubles, not waiting, boreds, ugh etc etc etc 

I've listed some things that can specifically be addressed. These are the last of the Monster, mini Monsters. 

1. I will stop the containers. Mayo salsa yogurt pickles

2. I will stop the PP and PP out of recipe, also anything similar

3. I will preplan for my best day

4. I will WAIT for dinner and the right time and stop being alone

5. I will get away from the ctops and sit down to focus

6. I will leave Moria and Azog behind

7. I will delay until 14:10

8. I will stop the unmej randomess

9. I will be accurate and honest

10. I will stop the triggers

Broken 21: 10 + 11 mile with LA

21 miles - that's a great number to type, and I'm pretty happy with how it went. 

10 miles in the morning from the house to Cedar park and back. I had 45 mins of walking in the 2.5 hours

11 miles in the afternoon in the Warner park, out n back on the hills, I had 30 mins of running in the 2.8 hours. 

I went looking for new running shoes Saturday, two stores both a fail not having shoes. Online I guess. 

TH messaged me while I was looking for shoes. I miss running with her. 

I took tylenol and anti-inflammatories after the runs and felt better? Things hurt but don't hurt. My shoes could be better. My gut bloated afterwards. But we bought plantain chips and I ate terrible all weekend. 

That swollen feeling, that's not swol. 

No change is no change, what else did you expect?

Long week, but finally we get 3 weekends of no travel. Unless I decide to take one to go to Illinois. I want to go to Illinois. I also want to rest. 

Speaking of long, we're planning the long run(s) of the weekend, and I should sit down with a calendar to think them out. I suggested again splitting our run/walks into Sat and Sun. LA mentioned this morning a 20 or 10+10. He has to work 4 hours on Saturday I think :(

With the last 4 weekends of travel, I'm 25-30 tasks behind on my to-doist app. Ugh. 

And the last week, after promised change yet AGAIN, no change. This morning Regulus star in Leo was with the moon and Venus, the thin almost-new moon like a silver sickle, and Venus a bright point. Once AGAIN, I think oh new moon new me. 

I continue to come home to Moria, two morias in a way bc I come home then LA comes home and there's some duplication on my part. I've been begging to sit down to a meal together, I've been begging to not come home to Moria, can I put the two together - come home to prepare for dinner then wait for him? I marvel at home he does NOT come home to Moria and can wait. HOW?!

2300 days Balrog, 1100 days (3 years) M, 610 NoS NoF, and 355 of 75H gallon! 40 days left.

Travel weekend to StL to keep LA from driving from StR to WC Friday night, then WC to StR to WC on Sunday. It worked. Expensiver option. My poor back too. 

We tried to do a 6 mile run in CCP, remember that acronym!?! What a memory run, I'd forgotten so much but it came back. Some changes around (new) soccer fields. Nova didn't make it the full loop, and now sadly she's limping this morning. She didn't limp Saturday after the run or Sunday. I had a bad lift for her into the truck over the weekend, the long walk/run, stuck in the backseat all weekend.....I'm not sure what the cause would be. But I know I'm out of sorts with odd aches and pains. 

So I ran about 3 miles with the dog, then a mosey to about 4 miles. 

I was surprised to see a Congratulations on 3 Years in one of my apps about M! I missed it?! Good - it means its all normal and I can keep counting but it's the new normal.

Until I come home after travel and find the PB. And the tempt to lick and toss....still there. 

Because of that, I considered the 20-some day run at 75H to be over. But in reality it's been over, I just keep making exceptions. Maybe that challenge, which is just One More Think To Do, isn't right for me at this time? 
When will it ever be? 

15 years ago

Today is the 15th year anniversary of IMWI 2010! Yesterday I wore the polo shirt from the race and a coworker asked about it. After a bit of thinking, I realized it was coincidentally close to the anniversary. Just confirmed - today! 

15 years, and so much has happened. IMWI was the start of my long course career, the completion of that race was my 'proof' that I can set my mind to anything and do it. That was the original goal, you'll see it if you go back and read the initial posts. 

Since then so many races, injuries, life changes. Recently moves and improvements and changes in life goals as I turn 50 years old. 

One of my first thoughts on realizing the anniversary - was M there 15 years ago? I know we were acquainted. We'd been aware of each other since UIUC, in California and at home. Moments burned into my memory. But wasn't there a gap? Iowa? Wyoming house #1? I think so. I think it was Compton when we met again. And he didn't leave. Not for the move to Wyoming #2. For Soulard. For Michigan. 

But the bastard died in Michigan, and he's not here now. Being able to say that almost means more to me than being able to wear this polo shirt. Sometimes I wish I could go back to then, the life I had before and be able to race and run and ride and feel so strong again. But I couldn't go back to M. Those two lives are closely intertwined. I wanted to go back to STL, and the life I had there for 18 years. But I was afraid to because M and STL were so closely associated. Dogwood Trail. SaveALot. Creve Couer Aldi. 

It's the past. You can't go back no matter what anyway. No man stands in the same river twice. Isn't that how it is? 

Today, some issues still remain but I'm so changed. I'm looking towards retirement. Towards the kids being in college. Will there always be issues? Yes. But they don't have to be these issues. The Orcs of M, the Mines of Moria. Minions and traps and pitfalls. Regrets and desires and unfulfilled goals. This can change too. Look at how much has changed already. Look at how much you are capable of. 

Look at what you want to change and realize YOU CAN DO THIS. 

September goals- get SMART

 Two months to 50th and 50K.

1. Focus on 130. Really focus on it. 
Keep the PB out, put dinner on a plate and not a series of plates. 

2. Balance art and workouts into the schedule, instead of cramming them both in the same day. 
This will get easier as you get out of Moria, minimize, and get mindful.

3. Minimize life and stuff and schedule and to dos.
This has already improved, keep it up.

4. Follow the plan, give it time to work. 
One day at a time, stick to the plan. 

5. The small changes in August - worked. Keep making them.
Small changes here - simply life now to continue. 

6. STOP more often. STOP and be mindful, and aware, and in the moment.
Breath. Be with yourself. Slow down. 

7. Connect more with family.
Reach out to one person everyday. Picture, message, question, etc.

8. Help LA as much as possible.
LLL - plan this out day by day to target needs, how can I help him get to bed earlier?

9. Get out of Moria, and into life. 
Recognize that art and life and connection and workouts are all lost here. Refer to 6. In that moment, leave and be at peace.

10. Just get out of Moria. 

ETA to add SPECIFICS. So vague above. Still vague.

Labor Day weekend

Saturday run walk 4.5 miles
Sunday run walk 9.5 miles

Both 4.4 mph, about half run half walk. All good. Some aches and pains Sunday night but Monday OK.

Hopefully it's not just a hormone swing - the ones in which I lean out a bit in the ankles then GAIN - but this weekend it was feeling good. Bra fits better, scrubs a smidge looser? 134.2. Not really a change...

But the change of the schedule - 730-330 at work then home for 430 or 5 and have 4-5 hours there. I really do need to add back the workouts tho. Not doing anything but walking during the week is less than ideal. And I did start the 30 day strength thing, but it's only 8 mins a day!

Life feels in control a bit now, keep it up.  

Not perfect but it's feeling good. Feel like I'm out of time every day

Yesterday productive, home to mail, change, dog, patio all before Moria. I had a list of chores that was mostly meal prep. So I switched dinner up to be during meal prep. Instead of addition to. I did that from 515ish to 745. Ugh. The whole evening in the kitchen for lunches and dinner. Like a day lost. No art, no workout, no relax. 

But I can't complain, LA worked until 10pm. We had phone call for an hour. I was in bed asleep, and I tried to wake up but failed. I feel like we're in a hamster wheel just trying to keep up with it, instead of making progress.

I have made progress on optimizing my commute and changing my schedule. I now come in around 715-730, work until 330-4. Out of the house 630/7 to 430/5. Instead of leaving at 830 and home around 630. Still a 10-hour day, and it wouldn't be so maddening if so much of it wasn't in a car! But I'm also trying to be quiet in the car, not a 1.5x speed audiobook or work.  

Progress! But I'd like to do art, do strength training, sit on the patio!! I have to accept that somedays I just won't be able to do that. 

Rewire and Reframe: weekend success

No running walking or anything, a travel weekend to MO. It's starting to bother me, that we don't get to "training" for the upcoming (and 2 months away as of today) 50K. We'll survive. But we'll hurt too.

Friday a PTO with some WFH, success mostly only because after 130 it was travel and I was limited and out of Moria. Then Sat Sun in AirBNB and no Moria. In fact, all great. No OF. No issues. No cheats. Enjoyed sushi in a planned meal. No chips. No snacks. 

In fact, I'm calling today my 3rd day of success here. 

Listened to book on drive back about neuroscience of habits and thinking, also reading what seems to be a better book on the same thing. 

I'm bothered too by the fact that we have 4 weekends in a row of "disruption", and I know I need to reframe that. "challenges"?
Past weekend to STL
This weekend CG travel but here
Next weekend NC for military thing
Nexted weekend to MO to help LA with kids

We need to plan our training! Can't lose 4 weekends like this, especially when the 18 miles (admittedly, HOT weather tho) the lasted weekend was more walking than running. 

Find time this coming weekend, get the bikes ready and share that with kids at Peeler?
Find a trail in NC for something new
Don't know plans for the MO weekend.... could be a rest. 

I definitely have a Moria-oriented habit loop to break. Well duh, work on it! 

66 same as 67, 65 can change

66 home to dog, mail, change, didn't want the water, laundry, then ... "I need to cook dinner" and thence moria. "Waited" until 7pm for my walk, went for the walk, came back to too much MORE watermelon, MORE phone scroll.

The pattern: I find an excuse to be in Moria, find my phone, and find myself LOST there not remembering or measuring or trying.

Today - the chores: Get outside to water plants after changing. Then you'll have to cook dinner! But you don't have to OF it. 

Success in 67, goals for 66

Yesterday home as planned to check the mail with the dog, change clothes and get a water, go to patio and brush dog - all of about 15-20 mins. Then back to bad habits. Was kinda OK until I got caught up in getting distracted by Polls and FB, went to bed OF on fruit and watermelon. Really OF, ugh.

Today the same. Come home and walk to the mailbox with the dog. Come in and change clothes and sit with a water - not walk around with it. Destress here. Then start laundry and water the plants outside. Then go from there. 

No you're not done yet. What happened yesterday? Habits in Moria. I had my phone and the urge to distract myself, and there's two ways I do it. What could I have been doing? Well I was saying that "I'm waiting to go for a walk". I was assembling my 2nd target order, while the 1st sat in a large box in my way in the kitchen. I was saying I need to wait, need to finish Target. I could have walked and did Target, although waiting for the 100F temps to drop isn't a bad idea. 

Could have traced the stained glass tomato (I did this later after the walk, barely anything done, and OF then too). Could have colored the magnolia (I did 30 mins this morning on that project). Could have written a letter to Jess (started that today instead of working on the magnolia). Could could would SHOULD. 

Instead I knowingly brought dinner in from the garage early, started eating it on the steps!

Today - finish tracing the stained glass. Main end goal: WAIT FOR LA TO HAVE A PLATED DINNER. 

Mail to a personal trainer

Haven't actually sent this, but I'm reading what I'm thinking....

Hello, 

I'm new to Nashville but not new to endurance sports. I was a long course triathlete and later an ultrarunner from 2006-2019. Injuries, pandemic, and moving twice disrupted my habits and schedules. Now I'm short on time, know all the things I need to do, but keep comparing to what I used to be - healthy, fit, strong, and confident. I'd like to get back to feeling confident and strong, blah blah 

So what is keeping you from going upstairs to do a Fit+ workout? Go for a run? Get out of Moria? Do you need to PAY SOMEONE TO TELL YOU TO DO THIS?

Failed. Start again at 67 days

WTF happened yesterday, it just seemed to fall apart. At work 740-4. Stupid commute home, not there until 5, frustrated and tired and headache. Moria with turkey "just some", then more, then I craved coconut oil, but mayo instead with a spoon. Then I thought I might as well just have some dinner, but not the chicken because of turkey, but then a bit of chicken, then I turned around and it was gone. Literally. I went to grab the tuppie, and..... where is it? Not in the fridge. In the sink. Empty. 

Multipolls surveys, to the point my eyes were tired. It was a perfect distraction in the end. A whole $0.75 or so of distraction. That's the reward. The price? 

Well since I ate everything before LA was home, all I had was half of my cocoa yogurt (ate grapes mindlessly instead) but added berries anyway, he wanted to watch the Newhart show and I agreed. And potato chips. In the bowl of the yogurt. Like a sick sweet salty chocolate disgust. Then a sparkling water. And I'm sick. Too much, too fast, too gross, too fatty, too much. I insist on my 45 mins walk, even though I already know I failed. I was debating - do I keep going past day 8 and still end on my birthday? But I stuck it out, I'm glad I did, the goal is not to end a 75 on the birthday, the goal is to change. 

On the walk I'm looking up local gyms, personal trainers. I've already tried this! (oh forgot the tsp spoonfuls of PB because I wanted fat, cry). Coach P. Noom. Loseit. Hamilton-almost. 

Why do I think committing more $$ to something will make it any different? If I can't get myself to stop eating PB and PC, why do I think I'd go to a gym with what little time I do have? 

I come home, frazzled, how can I change this? How to change the door to door to Moria? 

Not by signing up with a personal trainer. Not yet. 

1. Do a meditation in the car? A body scan? 

2. Come home to immediately walk the dog, don't even enter the house.

3. Change clothes, body scan, don't even enter the rest of the house. 
4. Have a super simple chore, stupid simple even. 

Weekend review, where am I?... 68 days? ish

Weekend!

Friday RUN WALK 7.61 miles in 1:41 (Run 55 mins) with LA to Cedar Park

Saturday RUN WALK 10.5 miles in 2:41 (run 50 mins) with LA in Warner Park

Week summary: run/walk 18.1 miles and walk 12.? miles for a total of 30 miles!

Wow! While I would like to have run more than just 5-6 miles/day it's a great start. And I feel fine, excepting back fatigue. No pains. It was HOT, the Camelbak is back, and yeah!

I woke up Saturday to 1400, but today (Monday) 1344. WTF, why do that to me? 

I stated my goal with LA that we need to be able to run 15-20 miles to make this race 'better', seriously who wants to be walking out there for 9-9.5 hours?

I feel like a runner again. 

Time over the weekend looking at capsule wardrobe ideas, then telling myself that 1250 first. Then wardrobe. Blue and tan capsule, with perks of yellow. Returned the Birkenstocks that I otherwise loved and found Cole Haans to try. 

As for meals, I'm terribly distracted and mindless, and that's where my goals are this week. No phone, no distraction. 

Second goal - strength training!!

Last week I started paying attention to meal distractions, successfully changed my schedule to come to work early (7-745am) and getting out on time. 

Summary of 72, goals for a WFH 71

Yikes, a WFH, these can be terrible for me. 

72 - left house at 632 and back at 358. WOW, and my fear was that I'd come home to Moria at 4pm and be stuck there. And I was. I didn't get OF, well not as bad as the day before, but again OF. I just don't stop. I tell myself one thing, do another. I check out. I surf. I'm mindless. I'm aware of that, but not changing it. 

71 - WFH and it doesn't have to be a nightmare. But I keep thinking of reasons to walk away from the desk. Hummingbirds. Moria. Dog. Water. Power cord. Moria. Glasses. Moria. I take the doggie to the vet, have a bunch of errands to run, but will work my 8 hours. Does this count? Hurry!

LA and I plan to run 5 miles tonight, then another 10 tomorrow. He wanted to run the 15 tonight, but I pointed out that (thankfully) the parks close at sunset and NO I'm not running 15 miles Friday night. His argument is that it takes 2 days to recover (OK) and that the whole Saturday is lost doing it that day (not OK, not true). This is the better option. 

I see 3 hummingbirds. A maybe empty feeder. I have to pee. Ugh, but stay out of Moria. What do you want more? 3 cargo pants or Moria? 00 WHBL or Moria? 

I keep thinking there's some August anniversary today or yesterday...

 So I looked at MiTi year, thinking that was it. No, but I did find this for August 13th, 2014

On top of it all, the Monster has reared it's head this week. I'm so off schedule, so off kilter, so overwhelmed feeling. He loves that shit and takes advantage of it.

So how to get it all back?
Focus. Stop the tumbling.
What needs to be done high-priority? Well, not this blog! But here I am anyway.

Start with tonight. Go home. Tend the dog, prep some tea, take a shower, and just sit for awhile. Think about tomorrow's plans. Then have dinner, hopefully will be home. No internet, no computer, no distractions. I swear, the Blerch hides in a computer screen sometimes.

Summary of 73, can I change for 72?

yesterday like monday - home immediately to moria "I'm only having a little" but then it extends into "I'm waiting for LA to come home" then he's home and I'm "waiting again" and in waiting it's all done. But then more berries + cocoa, more more then my sparkling water. Then I'm so OF that I'm in pain and burping up. Swear I'm done. Home to more. 

WTF. 

I'm reading The Hunger Habit.  Trigger to Behavior to Result.

What is the Behavior I want to change? I want to quit coming home to Moria and overeating. It's not that I'm eating unhealthy foods (side note, I have oats and PB and yogurt and cottage cheese in the house and I'm NOT eating it, whoa!!!) but I'm eating mindlessly under anxiety, the excuse of "waiting" and being unscheduled for a period of time. 

The Result is what I get from this. I get distracted in the short term, I get to watch a youtube video or stare at Reddit. In the long term I'm unhappy, regretting it, OF, burping, and Balrog is looking at me. 

The Trigger - coming home, tired and rushed sometimes, bored or waiting or unscheduled or anxious or lonely or uncertain what else to do next. I don't come to work unscheduled or waiting for a meeting and have the urge to eat. It's coming back to the house. 

Today - when I come back to the house, it will be much earlier than usual as I came to work earlier as part of my Shift the Commute experiment. Left today at 632, work by 710, means I should be leaving BEFORE 330. Home by... 4-415? Way too early for M3 so I have to have a goal of what I'm going to do  and a plan to interup the Habit Loop I just mapped out. 

I'm only on Day 5 of the book, there's 21 total. Day 4 was map the behavior. 

Summary of 74, goals for 73

Yesterday 74 - I came home after going to VW (an hour to get there from work!). Like day before, had a headache and no motivation. I was "waiting for Lev" to see if he wanted to walk and in doing so had dinner, dinner, then berries berries berries berries - 3 refills?!? Then after phone call (I still had 15 mins walk to do) I pulled out the turkey!? Well guess what. Overfull. And over goal.

Today - I want out of work EARLIER so I'm not stuck in traffic. I want to do a midweek run, just even a few miles. I can have an extra piece of fruit, but not this berries things. Make a bowl, ONE BOWL. Trust me, it's all you need. Why do this? It's the one of the last gaps to bridge to reach my 123 goal. 

125 = new clothes! 

Summary of 75, Goals for 74

75 summary: walked the 45 mins, did all of the personal art/goal chores by having them broken down into small steps, all accomplished! Mistake of eating the turkey/rice lunch for LA. Mistake of wanting to reach for my phone during meals. Mistake of continuing to eat berries and cocoa and mistake of blaming LA's phone call "holding me in the kitchen" when I could have sat on the patio too. 

74 goals: same - just get through the day without the phone, hold to schedule, break things down into steps. STOP with M3 and get out of Moria. Be aware.  

13.4 miles, I'm swollen! 75 days

Saturday RUN most of 10 miles (1:38 mins) then WALK 3.4 more for a total of 3 hours at Peeler, solo

LA in MO for Reserve Duty, and I'm super productive. My front and back page to do list is 90%+ cleared. Now it's Monday, I'm sore and swollen. 

House cleaned. Front rail prepped and painted. Propagation project started. Long run. Woohoo!! 

But  Moria. So Much Moria.

Another reason to be swollen. I bought new bras Saturday. 34C. I'm swollen into that. I want to buy new clothes, but I say NO until 125 is seen. Recent was 134-135. 

I was wanting to start a 75Hard before my bday, and today is 75 days left. I sketched out the rules this morning with coffee. 

Photo. Book. Outdoor WO. Water. All same. 

2nd WO will be 45' of personal goal time: art, russian, meditation, dog, stretching. Cumulative. 

Diet will be seated, chewed, no container, no phone, no distraction, clean, and pre-planned. 

Cheats will be no triggers: Abso zero of FB, RC, Applsc, Date, PP, salt dumps, chips, containers, mugmeals, instant potatoes. Preplanned only of potato, rice, oat, PB. Open to add more. 

So if you want a sweet potato with coconut manna. Plan it. You can have it, but it had to be there yesterday. 

80 days. It all feels huge

Yesterday I walked 2.6 miles in the morning, then 6 miles in the evening with LA. We were going to run/walk but it didn't happen that way. I felt huge and swollen (and my legs certainly were) and running in the evenings is not my strength. 

Rule #4: Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today

Compared to yesterday, I can hope that today can be in any way better. How dramatic. 

I planned a new meal plan for next week. This week's isn't working. It initially had oats and PB and protein powder for M2, JFC, like a shot to the head. I edited to remove at least the PP and reduce the fruit. 

I put so much thought and love into M1, then M3 is a generic "meat and veg". Hmmm. 

LA is tired, maybe depressed, overworked, up sick 2 hrs in the bathroom last night in an ongoing pattern. My life seems so easy in comparison - residency, army, kids - then what am I complaining about? Why can't I change, if I have all this free time to think and improve? 

Tomorrow is 80 days, after 120 what has changed?!

I"m WFH today and it's a fucking struggle to sit the fuck down and be focused. At first it was chores - I felt like I could conquer the list and relax. Then meals. By 10am 1 and 2 and PLUS and fucking hell at 1pm I'm OF and looking at the log and wondering how in the hell I'll survive it   

survive? WTH WTF

How will I ever survive it you fucking drama queen of denial. Stop. Restart. 

OK a break. I'm back. For the past 120 days since ... I don't know... I've been focused on my bday as a goal for change. Then on 150 days in May same thing, I still have the 108 habits form for it. Then on 90 days, now on 81 days, This Is It. I'll Change. 

What, just like that? Snap? 

Sometimes I wonder at all the times I've thought this - hair cut, moon cycle, buy something, event, change of somethingorother that seems to mark a before and an after. As if - after this happens something will be different and there will be some magical shift of some sort. After this... then never again that. 

And I know all along, before and regretfully after, and before I do it again, and as I'm explaining away the failure - that the shift has to be ME. Not the moon, haha, especially not that, and not a marriage or a visit or a job or a pair of shoes. Or wisdom teeth or graduation or moving or a haircut or medical appointment or anything of that sort and these things have actually happened in my head.

And so what's happened yesterday was the "the kids' summer is over and now I can..." But sunday fails, then I'll start Monday. Then Monday fails and here I am today on Tuesday. 

I need to make the change. Not the moon phase (which I've started mostly ignoring) or the date or the Monday or the new year or anything like that. 

Remember the time in Wyoming, standing at the sink at the window with M, and dad is behind me at the table, and I still can't stop? Well, I did stop. 

Remember that time at work with the mason jar of azuc and Mike C walked up, and I had to keep what I had and I probably still have it? Well, that did stop too. 

I'm currently measuring and preplanning all meals. No more containers of cottage cheese or dairy. 
No more oats, rice cakes, dates, applesauce, PB, protein powder, FB, rice, sugars, flours, instant potatoes, chips -- all this changed in the last two months. Trigger foods, hate to say it but moderation was NOT working for me. 

So now what's left to change? B is gone. M is gone. Azuc is gone. But Moria still exists, and that's what needs to change, and sitting here now overfull and burping that's easy to say "oh yeah Moria I can avoid" but that's shit just an hour ago and it will be shit a few hours later. 

Why am I typing all this? Because I need to see the problem. Spell it out. Oh fuck that, I KNOW THE PROBLEM. I've been writing about it for YEARS. This blog is evidence. 

I want a podcast or a book or something with the answer. What Do I Do to Fix This? 

I checked out a few books from the library. I want to do a 75BeeHard going into my bday, with my rules, but what is that worth when I have a day like today that just blows up and I sit here wondering if next week I can do that baked high protein oatmeal with roasted bananas on top instead of what I have this week?  Protein powder...no!

Well I do need to fix the meals because it's not working. I eat so little during the day (why, I don't know why I set it that way) then come home HUNGRY and OF. 

I thought about this last night and here I am again thinking about it - change the meals so it's not 250+350+>700 meals structure. 

Current:

M1:150c greek yogurt with ~100g strawberries, 2 tsp fiber, and 50c seeds. =268c 

    Evaluation - small volume, not satisfying, not filling, not satisfying really

    Suggestion - move yogurt and fruit to end of day type of thing, or a snack

M2: 100c chicken salad with 80c mayo and veggies, = 345c

    Evaluation - this week awful recipe. Low protein and all celery

    Suggestion - double the chicken and half the celery, at least

M3: supposed to be 350c of deli meat and cottage cheese, extra chicken, roasted pepper/onion/potato

blended in with a snack that's supposed to be fruit and cocoa-fiber mix

Actual last few days is 546+451 dinner and snack, 612 +355, 700+163........

Meaning the 1300 goal is blown away into 15, 16, 17, 

So it's not working. 
Oh, and I wanted to review all the help I HAVE tried to get with failure: Jennifer McDaniel, noon, losit, CoachP, Whole30, BLE, and two other cardiology nutritionists, etc, 

I need to work. I need to change. 

I'm setting myself up to fail with that structure. Start with that. Now get back to work. Ugh. 

Fonta Flora 50 registration! Cayate success.

I'm sure not running much for someone who's registered for a 50K in just under 90 days!?

Fonta Flora in Nebo NC. I was in NC on my 40th for B2B, now again on the 50th.

Cayate was a good rebuke, oddly the correction continues, and I don't mind. In fact, the habit was easy to switch off. What happened before? Stress?  

Long walk/run and cayate 3

RUN/WALK Sunday in Peeler Park - 10.4 miles in 2.5 hours, mostly walking fast (1:38) and slow running (53 mins). Hot and felt great, but right hip hurting by the end. Need strength there!

I didn't pick the park, the time of day, the distance, the pace - and I need to let go of the resentment over it. I wanted to run 6-7am, not 9-10am. I wanted to run 5-7 miles, not 10+. And I didn't want to drive anywhere far to do this. But it's done.

Then we get home and I want to have lunch with LA. He says yes, I wait and wait and wait, I give up at 20-30 mins and he's upset. 

I said last week that I'm not going to keep cooking unappreciated "meh" meals on my own and he's upset. My cooking "sucks", according to him. He references my failures (as he understands them) in my previous marriage, good thing he was there to witness it so it makes his argument stronger. 

I'm pissed. In the end I wanted HELP with this. I spent my Saturday mowing and helping with truck and garbage disposal repair. I spend my Sunday having him upset because I keep "telling him what to do" and then cooking ALONE for HOURS while he's in bed sleeping and watching his phone. Fucking great. He said he'd help, I asked him to chop veg. He walks by and claims my knife won't cut anything. Well it cut all your fucking veggies, so it cuts. 

And so do the words. He compares me to a russian wife. I'm not a russian wife. He says my cooking sucks. I say, then do your own cooking. He says his cooking sucks too. He tells me to "learn" as "that's my job" not his, he only knows how to fix things and kill things. I want to say, then LEARN. 

So I end up in the kitchen alone cooking for hours. Literally, hours. I'm not making that up. I started around 3-4 and finished a bit after 7. He keeps asking, come snuggle with me. I'm still cooking, I say. You know, the lunch that sucks that you still want me to make but won't help me with? He wants to sleep and watch TV while I work. WTF. 

Then to top if off, slava claims that dad is right, the woman belongs in the kitchen and that's "what I believe". Well your beliefs suck. If that's what heaven will be populated with, then send me to hell. 

As for cayate, I'm quiet. Fuck you all. I get to play my podcasts and music. I keep my thoughts to myself. I bite back talking to myself. The car rides are quiet. Got what you wanted. I'm OK with this, but Slava starts pacing and making what he might think are annoying noises but it's 90% tuned out until he apologizes for the noise. He did stop apologizing at least. I don't ask for help. I don't ask for things to get done. I don't share thoughts. I don't join conversations. If it needs to be said, I'll say it. But otherwise fuck you all. 

One more week. Unfortunately, the kids might think my quiet is sulking after yesterday, but it's not. LA apologized this morning for "being shitty" to me. I haven't forgiven yet. Certainly haven't forgotten. How could I forget any of this?! 

LA wants me to register for the race. I mentioned I wanted to do a race, he invited himself along. THat's fine, two is fun. I mentioned two races that are nearby, he picked the race that I'm not really interested in. I guess that's fine too, or is it - that he's picking all this? I want him to sit down and review the race with me but I've asked 3 times (or more) and nothing back from him. Now he wants me to register!? Am I paying for him too? He invited himself along for the race I'm not wanting to do, he won't review or look at races with me, and I'm guessing I have to pay for the race I don't want to do? WTactualF?!

Well I looked yesterday and the race is sold out. It's been sold out since mind June. Like a blessing in disguise? I'm looking at the alternate races. If he doesn't like them he can stay home. I don't want him to stay home, but I don't want to hear all this shit either. 

Cayate follow up

I was easily quiet last night. At first when I come home slava is sullen and moody, I just igorned him after the usual "how was your day". He said he did nothing, and I smiled and said "like usual" but he cut me off before I could even say it. Like he said he did nothing just to set me up (Because he spent the day working on clay, that's why it also felt like a set up). I left and went for a walk. 

In the end, he came to me to talk. Walked around lost while I drew on Bella, in/out of fridge, pantry, pacing, talking.  Haha, I'd resolved to not make dinner after the comments about it so I left him to figure his own out. 

It all worked. He sang and talked to himself. I didn't mind, I wondered if now he's trying to fill space? He's always wanted to sing and talk but I did instead? Dunno. Keep going. 

It wasn't bad. I enjoyed it more. 

Cayate!

How do you spell that?

Need to think here. Ironically, I've had nothing to say for my blog, but I'm talking too much at home. Slava says "I talk but don't listen". Fair. Slava also timed me at 62 seconds yesterday as the longest time I was quiet. Fair. 

And I'm in defensive mode so bear with myself here. I saw him writing on his arm and decided to stay quiet about it. Bit my tongue. I had just commented on the fact that the grocery list wasn't being used, and that's at least the 3rd time I've asked for that to be done and according to my own rule - 3 is the end. But I don't end. So much to unpack here. 

Yesterdays I was listening to JBP and the Flood. The Chaos when the rug is pulled out from under you. How prepared are you for the Flood? How will you respond? What will you learn in the Underworld, because there's information there to inform you, and get you into formation. 

Some chaos appeared, and herein I unpack it. And set myself straight. 

Lev said the above things about slava this morning, after I'd repeatedly asked him to get out of bed and he didn't. Nagging. Of course I'm hurt and defensive, but readily admit that I'm so fucking tired of talking. Then why do I keep talking?!

Signs: Other day in car, Aurora asked to listen to music. It was a relief, I could think about something else during music. I joked to myself that maybe that's her way of saying she doesn't want to hear me talk. I didn't follow up on that thought, but I should! There was a sign - I didn't heed it! The information: they're OK with music, I had the idea that they didn't like it. 

But wait on this - you're missing a point here. Why do you feel the need to fill space with talking?! Hmmm. That's the real issue too. I fill space with talking. I talk to myself. I talk to Nova. I talk. That can change, I talk outload as a way to connect (or so I tell myself) but just dial it back. 

What happens in the car? A Backwoods Girls effect. I'm fully aware of it, often rein it in. But no enough. I get....stuck in thinking. OK, information. I don't need to fill that time in the car. Just play music. Or sit there, drive. Remember the day we bought the wardrobe, and I marveled at how LA and slava could enjoy the silence? And I followed suit and stayed quiet. I liked it!

I fill out a Weekly calendar page with stuff to do during the day. Water plants, bird feeders, kombucha, practice music. Slava had asked why I do it. I said, it helps me plan. But no one really does what I write! It's like talking to empty space. So, information. I took away the page and I'll stop doing it. 

I keep asking for things to be done, and they don't get done. Here especially the nagging starts. I have the 3 times rule, but I'm breaking it. Refill the water pitcher. Put dishes away. Is this item ready to be put back? Why is there a mess on the counter. (all things I say on a regular basis). Yet this and so much more continues to happen. So, I mention (NAG) it again. I realize now that I was in a cycle of repeating these things to no improvement, so I'd nag more - and it's not working. That's information. Just stop mentioning it, because it's not changing anyway. 

I get frustrated that I make the family calendar that no one uses. I make meals that no one asks for. I make lunches I don't get thanked for. The realization - no one is asking for these things. I can stop doing them. ?

I ask in Chat that people quit piling breakable dishes. I didn't work verbally, so I switched to Chat. Think about that!! It's a nag. I asked in Chat to find clay tools. I'd asked verbally. He hasn't looked. That's simple, he doesn't get clay tools. I ask for finance pages to be filled out. They don't get filled out. That's easy. No buying and no interest on the account. I'm nagging them to do these things, and they don't, and why then do I keep nagging. That's information. 

Now, is it retaliation to hold the line and say, no interest and no tools and no etc because you didn't do as asked? Think on that... They are old enough and I asked and dangled the carrot. They lose the carrot, that's all. And I lose the need to nag. 

Ironically, at work I'm known for being quiet and reserved. 

The Backwoods Girls effect. Yeah, I hear myself doing it and it sucks. I have the simultaneous feeling of not wanting to say it, yet I'm saying it anyway. I'm so much better and stopping and not even starting lately, but I'm still doing it. So, information, if you don't want to say it then don't. 

I ask them to practice music, but aurora doesn't. Now this is definitely a nag on my part, but I'm fucking PAYING FOR THIS and taking time away from work and I thought we'd agreed that they would practice yet they don't and here there's a real problem for me. This is maddening. I so want to cut off lessons and quit paying and get my shit done for work, so I can do want I want to do for me. 

And as I'm typing this, I defensively think of all the times I was quiet. And goddamn that's information too. It's proof that you can. I can be quiet, I can bite back the thoughts, I can leave them alone. You Can!

But let's separate the issues. 

1. Retaliation for music - JFC they're just kids. Pay the last lesson and reconsider for next year. 
2. Nagging about missed chores - it's not working, just do it or leave it for someone else to see. Defensiveness says that if I leave it LA might see and I'll be justified for being upset. No, not really.
3. Backwoods Girls - hey, I'd LOVE to listen to my music or a podcast. I really thought they didn't like it But a So win/win. 
4. Filling space - not needed. Bad habit. 
5. Weekly task list - waste of time. It's a written nag. Same with the text messages. 
6. Nagging LA to come to bed - ugh, this one I did stop doing. I wasn't winning helping him either way. 
7. I don't want to do things but I do them unasked for - oh fucking easy - stop doing them. 
8. I take time away from work to help them, in this line music lesson. I give up here, it's only one more weekend anyway. 
9. I take up time doing things not asked for. OK, I don't need to do it then. Why do I do it?!
10. I take up time traveling for them, yet get comments about how my family weekends (all 2 of them this year) took up their time. I can fix that for a win/win. I don't need to travel! I'll stay home and enjoy the time while they get the peace and quiet of me not being there. 

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS WINNING OR LOSING? There's information there too. This isn't a competiton. It's a family. And I'm the one with the problems. I'm the one causing problems. 

I'm still being defensive. At least this morning I realized it and gave lev the coffee. 

This isn't the Flood. It's a spill. Once I get past the defensive reactions, I can see room for improvement. 

100 days; Parents in Nashville

Running and walking, about 20 total miles a week give or take. No Fit plus lately, off habit. 

100 days to go, I haven't written much. I'm focusing on too much. I'll come back to this later. The wash machine just finished, the AC guy is outside, and I'm distracted. 

July starts with a Bang

Tuesday STRENGTH fit plus lower body
Today RUN 3 miles in 32 mins - Hills!

I feel good, strong, like my body is responding to the work. I look forward to SV with this!

I laugh at myself, how I think that 1-2 days of "good" can somehow outweigh weeks of "bad". 

Yesterday night was the MRI for head and neck, for the face twitch. No reply yet. Remember the MRI from the ankle in 2021? I meditated on change and future. Here the same. In my head, I was in the Compton House, Soulard House, bakery, WUSTL lab, bathtub, parking lot - the various places my memories snag on. About M, Balrog, more M. In these, I was watching myself. And in the bakery, I made the stuff but didn't eat it. This was new. 

At the very end, as they restarted the machine to include contrast, I started seeing Future Me in Whites Creek. This is also new. I couldn't see my face, but my body. Like I was seeing myself from the back. My hair was the hardest to see. I'd look at Future, then at Me, and see the difference. Then the scan ended!! I wanted more time with her!!

Yesterday was all goals done and all purple!!!!

NSV for June; Goals for July

Friday 5 RUN in 33:40-ish; 3 miles was in 32:40 - no walking goal
Sunday 1 mile RUN TT in 8:15!

Monday 3 miles RUN in 31:40ish with a few short walks

The Breakthrough of realizing I can run, I'm not injured, I can I can I can. This lead to a breakthrough of 1 mile from 10:02 to 8:15. 

GOALS for JULY: Run 6 miles in a run, walks are OK but minimal; and 1 mile TT in under 8:05

Last week I started 75Hard again and the Cheat Meals are better defined and HARD to skip: rice, oats, RC FB PB dates applesauce. I'm still in mug meals and unmej but those alone are tough. I keep trying the Just One and the It's the Weekend and It's Just One. I win. 

The NSV - still no scrubs but bra is better, yet that could be hormone fluxy stuff. 1384 to 1362. Eh, but it's only really been the last half of the month and only really this last week since I got really on board to change. 

No dump mugs of instant oats. No dates in PB. No rice and rice, and more rice. Those 2lbs aren't much and they might not be real Change in that I see this flux up/down. So GOALS for JULY: Scrubs dammit; and under 134. 133. 

Other goals of walking in the evening: 6/7 last week
And goal of bullet journal: good
Goal of lowering carbs: good but it doesn't show because I wasn't logging before
Goal of 3x Fit+ on non-run days: only 2/3 last week

I'm on board for the 50K on my birthday, LA wants to join. He'd better get training. 

75Hard again, progress?

Monday RUN/WALK 7x 3(1) so 2.7 in 31 mins, then WALK 30 mins for 1.83 miles

Tuesday STRENGTH Fit+ #4 Upper, later another WALK for 30 min

I'm settling into a habit of 30 mins in the AM and 30 mins walk in the PM. This will be my 45 mins for 75Hard, I'll get up to 45 mins as needed. I'm alternating the RUN/WALK days with STRENGTH, and planning to RUN more and RUN/WALK less over time. 

As for diet, a challenge. "Monday" is the first day and weekends a loss. Let's summarize by saying that potato chips, PB and dates, instant oats, etc and the like don't add up to any sort of improvement or positive change. 

I'm switching over (with delays and excuses) to a lower carb diet, increasing to CoachPs plan of 35% protein and 50% fat - keeping the lack of gall bladder (oooh, that's an excuse) in mind. And the fact that I rather like my filling but carb-laden quinoa+oat+veg lunch (delay). 

Yesterday, all of Day 1, went great until I made plov and ate a bunch of it after 8pm and went to bed feeling yuck and blurpy.

My face spasms awful lately. LA home late after 10pm last night, so now I'm tired and want to sleep.  Excuses. Complaints. Whining. 

Bullet Journaling again; 1 mile run test

Saturday WALK 45 mins 2.6 miles
Sunday RUN and STRENGTH 45+ min walk with Lev and a 10:04 minute run test. Baseline!
Monday RUN WALK 3"(1") for 2.75 miles in just over 30 mins. Almost 3 miles!

Will need to ETA Sunday's workouts, not done yet. 

Yesterday I used their sleeping in until 3pm to get my bullet journal books at Michaels. Put a week or two of thought into it, found them on sale, and set one up yesterday. I can't remember my old layouts yet, and can't decide how I want it to look yet. 

Saturday was a meal mess. If it was banned, I pretty much had it (expect FB, RC, pot chips or taters at all). But oat rice Ppowder PB yog. Ugh. 

Come back later.

Weekends, nights, days at home. All a mess. Needs to change. 
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Monday, plan was to IF until 11:55 or noon, then M1. Busted that up and fucked it up and now salmon, rutabega, cottage cheese, yogurt, protein powder - not a lot of each but each and WFT. Not I feel sick. No more PP after this. Only 130 some days left. And after 70 days - what change?!