23.5 miles

Saturday 15 miles (56 mins running) and 6 miles, both mostly walking fast

Sunday 2.5 miles my usual 45 mins

LA is blistered, my foot hurts too but I can't complain about it. Hips and feet are better than expected. So we didn't reach our goal of 25 or 26 or 26.2. 

I didn't reach my goal either of STOPPING THE MORIA shit. Conveyor belt. PoChips. Rice. More. 

I even googled W30 again. That's NOT the answer. If you can BLE away from NoS NoF, then you can Bee away from the potato chips that upset your stomach. 

This morning before opening this I had to degrease my laptop keyboard. 

Today my gray pants don't fit any better, in fact, worse...?

But today I did 10 mins of yoga hip mobility as planned. I sought out time with LA. Wins. My bottle of water already empty. I didn't buy more dairy over the weekend. I have shoes to buy to replace the worn out ones. I cleared my to-doist list from 23 to 10. I painted the rails at the front of the house. Meal prepped (that still takes too long). 

So much good. Focus on that. 

But also focus on the fact that from day 200 to day <30 - no substantial change. 
Scrubs - no substantial change. 

71 days of new app - no substantial change. 

Why not?

Fears. Failures.

Monday - Weds no walking?!

Monday rain. Tuesday right ankle out of place and painful. Weds morning my left big toe tarsal bone hurt like a stress fracture all morning, by afternoon it's OK. On top of it all, we leave the house by 7am and get home around 6pm. We're wiped.

I'm home hungry. Monday we sat to dinner right away together. Yesterday I was alone at the ctop with PP and PC. I thought I had a deficit. I think that EVERY DAY. I'm wrong. EVERY DAY.

Why? No planning. Triggers. Not trying. 

In my head, I wonder why LA doesn't go to bed when he's tired. Stop eating if he thinks he's fat. Then I realize I'm talking about myself. If I don't want to be in Moria, then why am I there?!  

100 days left in the year. Welcome Fall.

10. I usually put the miles I finished there, but now it's the goal number. 

123 is the goal. I have 34 days to my bday. I'd started out when I had 200 days to go with all these plans for change and improvement and Get Better. I didn't get very far on that. I'm still the same. Just more frustrated, disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if I should give up and just stay where I am. But then it seems like things would just get worse if I quit trying. I wonder that if I quit trying, instead of staying in place I'd slide backwards. So I have to keep trying just to stay where I am. 

What kind of treadmill is that? The Red Queen? Looking...

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”

The Red Queen's Race. Not sure it is really meant to apply the way I'm using it. 

I keep saying i'M cHaNgInG but I'm NOT. I continue to fall into Moria every single fucking day. Every day I wish that I'd quit the mug meals, containers, standing, Azog, noms, randoms, unmej, before 8, after 8, doubles, not waiting, boreds, ugh etc etc etc 

I've listed some things that can specifically be addressed. These are the last of the Monster, mini Monsters. 

1. I will stop the containers. Mayo salsa yogurt pickles

2. I will stop the PP and PP out of recipe, also anything similar

3. I will preplan for my best day

4. I will WAIT for dinner and the right time and stop being alone

5. I will get away from the ctops and sit down to focus

6. I will leave Moria and Azog behind

7. I will delay until 14:10

8. I will stop the unmej randomess

9. I will be accurate and honest

10. I will stop the triggers

Broken 21: 10 + 11 mile with LA

21 miles - that's a great number to type, and I'm pretty happy with how it went. 

10 miles in the morning from the house to Cedar park and back. I had 45 mins of walking in the 2.5 hours

11 miles in the afternoon in the Warner park, out n back on the hills, I had 30 mins of running in the 2.8 hours. 

I went looking for new running shoes Saturday, two stores both a fail not having shoes. Online I guess. 

TH messaged me while I was looking for shoes. I miss running with her. 

I took tylenol and anti-inflammatories after the runs and felt better? Things hurt but don't hurt. My shoes could be better. My gut bloated afterwards. But we bought plantain chips and I ate terrible all weekend. 

That swollen feeling, that's not swol. 

No change is no change, what else did you expect?

Long week, but finally we get 3 weekends of no travel. Unless I decide to take one to go to Illinois. I want to go to Illinois. I also want to rest. 

Speaking of long, we're planning the long run(s) of the weekend, and I should sit down with a calendar to think them out. I suggested again splitting our run/walks into Sat and Sun. LA mentioned this morning a 20 or 10+10. He has to work 4 hours on Saturday I think :(

With the last 4 weekends of travel, I'm 25-30 tasks behind on my to-doist app. Ugh. 

And the last week, after promised change yet AGAIN, no change. This morning Regulus star in Leo was with the moon and Venus, the thin almost-new moon like a silver sickle, and Venus a bright point. Once AGAIN, I think oh new moon new me. 

I continue to come home to Moria, two morias in a way bc I come home then LA comes home and there's some duplication on my part. I've been begging to sit down to a meal together, I've been begging to not come home to Moria, can I put the two together - come home to prepare for dinner then wait for him? I marvel at home he does NOT come home to Moria and can wait. HOW?!

2300 days Balrog, 1100 days (3 years) M, 610 NoS NoF, and 355 of 75H gallon! 40 days left.

Travel weekend to StL to keep LA from driving from StR to WC Friday night, then WC to StR to WC on Sunday. It worked. Expensiver option. My poor back too. 

We tried to do a 6 mile run in CCP, remember that acronym!?! What a memory run, I'd forgotten so much but it came back. Some changes around (new) soccer fields. Nova didn't make it the full loop, and now sadly she's limping this morning. She didn't limp Saturday after the run or Sunday. I had a bad lift for her into the truck over the weekend, the long walk/run, stuck in the backseat all weekend.....I'm not sure what the cause would be. But I know I'm out of sorts with odd aches and pains. 

So I ran about 3 miles with the dog, then a mosey to about 4 miles. 

I was surprised to see a Congratulations on 3 Years in one of my apps about M! I missed it?! Good - it means its all normal and I can keep counting but it's the new normal.

Until I come home after travel and find the PB. And the tempt to lick and toss....still there. 

Because of that, I considered the 20-some day run at 75H to be over. But in reality it's been over, I just keep making exceptions. Maybe that challenge, which is just One More Think To Do, isn't right for me at this time? 
When will it ever be? 

15 years ago

Today is the 15th year anniversary of IMWI 2010! Yesterday I wore the polo shirt from the race and a coworker asked about it. After a bit of thinking, I realized it was coincidentally close to the anniversary. Just confirmed - today! 

15 years, and so much has happened. IMWI was the start of my long course career, the completion of that race was my 'proof' that I can set my mind to anything and do it. That was the original goal, you'll see it if you go back and read the initial posts. 

Since then so many races, injuries, life changes. Recently moves and improvements and changes in life goals as I turn 50 years old. 

One of my first thoughts on realizing the anniversary - was M there 15 years ago? I know we were acquainted. We'd been aware of each other since UIUC, in California and at home. Moments burned into my memory. But wasn't there a gap? Iowa? Wyoming house #1? I think so. I think it was Compton when we met again. And he didn't leave. Not for the move to Wyoming #2. For Soulard. For Michigan. 

But the bastard died in Michigan, and he's not here now. Being able to say that almost means more to me than being able to wear this polo shirt. Sometimes I wish I could go back to then, the life I had before and be able to race and run and ride and feel so strong again. But I couldn't go back to M. Those two lives are closely intertwined. I wanted to go back to STL, and the life I had there for 18 years. But I was afraid to because M and STL were so closely associated. Dogwood Trail. SaveALot. Creve Couer Aldi. 

It's the past. You can't go back no matter what anyway. No man stands in the same river twice. Isn't that how it is? 

Today, some issues still remain but I'm so changed. I'm looking towards retirement. Towards the kids being in college. Will there always be issues? Yes. But they don't have to be these issues. The Orcs of M, the Mines of Moria. Minions and traps and pitfalls. Regrets and desires and unfulfilled goals. This can change too. Look at how much has changed already. Look at how much you are capable of. 

Look at what you want to change and realize YOU CAN DO THIS. 

September goals- get SMART

 Two months to 50th and 50K.

1. Focus on 130. Really focus on it. 
Keep the PB out, put dinner on a plate and not a series of plates. 

2. Balance art and workouts into the schedule, instead of cramming them both in the same day. 
This will get easier as you get out of Moria, minimize, and get mindful.

3. Minimize life and stuff and schedule and to dos.
This has already improved, keep it up.

4. Follow the plan, give it time to work. 
One day at a time, stick to the plan. 

5. The small changes in August - worked. Keep making them.
Small changes here - simply life now to continue. 

6. STOP more often. STOP and be mindful, and aware, and in the moment.
Breath. Be with yourself. Slow down. 

7. Connect more with family.
Reach out to one person everyday. Picture, message, question, etc.

8. Help LA as much as possible.
LLL - plan this out day by day to target needs, how can I help him get to bed earlier?

9. Get out of Moria, and into life. 
Recognize that art and life and connection and workouts are all lost here. Refer to 6. In that moment, leave and be at peace.

10. Just get out of Moria. 

ETA to add SPECIFICS. So vague above. Still vague.

Labor Day weekend

Saturday run walk 4.5 miles
Sunday run walk 9.5 miles

Both 4.4 mph, about half run half walk. All good. Some aches and pains Sunday night but Monday OK.

Hopefully it's not just a hormone swing - the ones in which I lean out a bit in the ankles then GAIN - but this weekend it was feeling good. Bra fits better, scrubs a smidge looser? 134.2. Not really a change...

But the change of the schedule - 730-330 at work then home for 430 or 5 and have 4-5 hours there. I really do need to add back the workouts tho. Not doing anything but walking during the week is less than ideal. And I did start the 30 day strength thing, but it's only 8 mins a day!

Life feels in control a bit now, keep it up.