Schedule and Goals for a rest week

PLAN:
Monday REST
Tuesday RUN 2-3 miles, STRENGTH, CALL to CP
Wednesday RUN 2-3 miles, 
Thursday X-TRAIN choice, STRENGTH
Friday RUN 5 miles, travel in late afternoon
Saturday Out of town
Sunday Out of town

Next week, back to 26 miles running!  

Summary of last week:
1. All running, all good, no pains problems etc
2. Body/breasts are swollen and pained. Feel heavy and swollen.
3. Anxiety of last weekend alleviated, not sure if it was low carb, #2 above or hormones?
4. Mental clarity, energy, and IF getting better.

Three body goals for the week:
1. Two strength sessions
2. Five to ten minutes per day of flexibility
3. Walk plenty!

Three nutrition goals for the week:
1. Stick to it with Saturday/Sunday travel, and preplan it
2. Establish the Noon M2
3. Pre-Plan and Stick To It!

Three mental goals for the week:
1. Figure out the anxiety at pre M3
2. Work on the 1-word list from last week 
3. Start the list of Bee-Coming

Special considerations for this week:
1. Dental and medical appointments
2. Travel and schedule disruption this weekend
3. Lack of flexibility is being noted

Talk to Coach:
1. The hunger at pre M3, real or imagined?
2. Feeling too full, then hungry again in 2 hours, what?!
3. I'm starting to re-establish confidence in what I want to eat, not what others are eating

26.2 mile week, and I need to sign up for the marathon!

Saturday REST

Sunday RUN 8 on treadmill, then RUN 1.7 outdoors with LA

A split run day, accomplished my goals of running outdoors and hitting the 9.7 miles needed to reach 26.2 for the week. It felt great, no pains no aches little fatigue.

I am noticing that my flexibility is low, squatting and reaching for something and moving outside a "normal" range is tight. So add in something to focus on that, before it becomes a problem. 

I'm low carb now since the 18th, only 12 days, the "flu" hit on about the 21st/22nd and hasn't really been there since. I'm also trying IF this week, waiting until noon. The low carb and IF doesn't seem to be impacting the running, I'm already running so slow!

This next week is a rest week, only 10 miles. Get outdoors for it!

I can't change the past, but I can change the meaning of it. And, I can chose Who I Want To Become

 Coach Patrick post. Just finished a few podcasts including the "how to change your past" and "defining who you want to become", paraphrased kinda throughout here. 

I'm stuck, at least that's how I feel. I'm stuck in a loop of unable to go back to who I was Before and unable to go forward to be who I want to Become. Who I was Before is easy to define: I was healthy, fit, ambitious, fearless, unstoppable. Who I am Now is: I feel unhealthy, my fitness is improving, I've lost the ambitious drive, I'm fearful of injury and change, and something as simple as my dog throwing up is enough to stop my day.

But who I want to Become is a different question, and so happens to be pretty undefined. At the surface, I want to be the Before Bee again - I want to saddle up for a run or ride and just crush it. I want to be able to roll out the door not concerned with what injury or illness or life stress is on my mind. 

But I've romantisized the past. I really didn't just roll out the door carefree. I had my share of injury and illness. I can break up the past into segments and see the similarities and differences:

Pre 2013. Cuz let's be honest, that's when it all started. I was Savageman, post-IM, ultra running. I was spraining my ankle a lot. The stress of pre Disney had my health in pre-decline. 

2014. Although my health was in decline, I was a rock star that year. MiTi and B2B. I used to think Bee 2.0 born here. Maybe my life really hinges on this year, not later as I initially expected. M was here too. 

2015-2018. I had plenty to worry about. Recent Disney, ongoing M, upcoming hip surgery, past fractures and medical appointments. Let's be specific. Disney. Brachial nerve injury. Compression Fractures. Celiac shit. Rib fractures. Stress fractures. 

Then heart attack, this is where I thought my life took a turn. It did. Maybe it's two turns total. Bee 3.0.

2019-2022. It started with HA recovery and nose dived into a mental hell. M all over. M all day. My body and mind changed in ways I struggle to recover from. I became fearful, hesitant, on-edge, distrustful. I started thinking the world was aligned against me. And that's me today. 

So when I say Before, I mean when? 2016 - another rock star year full of running and M. Sure I was injured, I was running on a torn hip and ran so much I stress fractured my fibia without knowing it. But I didn't give a shit and just kept going. 

But did I really? If I were to review 2016 would I find it all sunshine and roses? Or would I see spillage of M and mental anguish and problems like I have today? That's a good chore for this weekend - go back and look at 2016. Sure, I raced and ran a lot. It was my last "normal" year of life before everything took a turn. But really, was it so perfect?

And that's the past. Before Bee. What about Becoming A Baddass Bee? Who Am I Becoming? My assignment is to work on this! Really think about it and define it, with the goal of remembering my future and not remembering my past. 

Back2Back Runs, another this weekend?

Thursday RUN 6 miles treadmill at 3pm 
Friday RUN 4.5 miles outside! at 730am

As per plan, I didn't run Tuesday due to a long day at work. Due to Tuesday fatigue and continued pains from Monday's strength session, I didn't run Wednesday either. Then on Thursday I woke up stressed, had lab meeting, then had appt with dental surgeon, then during LAs dental appointment I went to the gym. I felt much better after the run! But the emotions still weren't cleared out. I didn't take care of them, I just buried them. 

So when we got home, after getting rings measured and a trip to Walgreens, I came home tired, cold, and hungry. I ended up eating a fast random M dinner before my shower. Ended up stressed about that. Ended up stressed and cold and regretting, went to bed overfull and stressed. 

Common theme here - I'm stressed. I can't pinpoint a cause, except it feels like everything.

Today, I ran outside! LAs truck is in the shop so he took the car. I'm a bit miffed that he just takes the car and there's no addressing how that impacts my plans and my schedule. What about my gym time? I can't really easily get to the gym without the car. Yet there was just this assumption that he can start taking the car early in the morning and I'll wing it however I can, if I can. 

There, I said it, I've been holding that thought back last 2 days. Now it's out there. Another common theme here - what about me?! 

Lately I feel as if everything happening around me is happening to me and not in my favor. I get to clean up dog vomit (at 2am this morning, and I emotionally cracked over it). I get to clean up the gel mess at work. I get to manage coworkers who apparently can't manage themselves. I get to clean up the kitchen counter mess, do laundry, clean floors, clean the house, take care of the dog, manage meals and food selection, cooking and clean up, more. "I get to" is what I say, but that's not how it feels. 

So this morning I did my Thought Download, some watercolors, my daily chores (I get to clear the countertops too), then once the sun was up enough went for a run! It snowed overnight, a crunch half inch, and I wasn't the first one to enjoy it. I did the Pioneer High Loop, 4.5 miles. It was cold, it wasn't easy to run on snow, but the delight of being able to do it was great. 

AND - I'm successfully IF today, it's 11am and I'm hungry but I need to wait just a bit. I can do this. I don't feel good when I eat to early, I regret it and it's off the goals that I've made for myself. I'll live. Embrace the Suck. 

The Better Version of You ran outdoors today, and the Better Version of You will wait until after 11, maybe wait until noon? (Go pass your cells!)

Loooong work day with first 30 mins update to Patrick

WORK 7am - 130am! 
WALKED 12K but that's it. 

And I'm back at work at 10 am the next day. Ugh. It's fucking cold outside, I'm having trouble staying warm. I'm always layered up and still cold. And as per conversation with Coach P, he's not telling me to run outside, but he's telling me that the Better Version of Me would run outside. 

But the better version of  me did a strength training on Monday and I'm sore as all hell. Yesterday it was like post-marathon leg burn. Today I took Tylenol!

From yesterday - start working on two meals a day, like 10am and 6pm. Stop the snacking. Stop the off plan stuff. And realize that hunger is not going to kill you, it will suck but it's not fatal. It will go away over time. But don't let it get you anxious.

Do a Thought Download every morning. Today's TD included stress about the work load, stress about the custody issues, thoughts about IF, and a congrats about a long day yesterday. 

Yesterday I was 136.8 and came up with a zillion excuses: strength training swell, too much salt, PB M. Then today 134.0. Fucking fluctuations. But last Tuesday was 135 and weekend was 133.6. Fluctuations. Hold the course. Although I'm not adding back the run energy, I'm still  noming the meals. I stand and hurry and surf the phone. I zone out and don't pay attention. 

I had dinner last night over the course of hours. Was hungry when I got home at 1:45 and didn't eat. THen waited until 930 (cucumber) and 10 am (eggs and meat and ghee) today. I was hungry. But it won't kill me. It just distracts me.

Goal today: I wanted to run 6 or 2 miles, but I hurt and we'll see. I will sit and eat my peanut chick and berries dinner, then done. I will get to bed earlier. I won't use my phone during dinner. Sit and pay attention.

Other things from Patrick - those were the highlights I think. I gotta get to work. Also, this is kinda a Thought Dump too!

I did the strength training!

RUN 6 miles (total distance 6.25 with walks)
STRENGTH as per CP, 20 mins? 

I need to log the ST before I forget!

My week is messy, and I'm trying to accomplish probably too much:
1. 26 miles running
2. Some of the running off the treadmill (in the snow?)
3. 4-5 days running instead of 3
4. IF maybe starting mid-week

5. ST routine
6. New HFLC, second week but still not adapted
7. Getting thoughts and anxieties under control
8. Lots to do at work
9. Dental surgeon appt on Thursday

10. Planning a marriage/wedding?!

Yikes. Take it easy!

One of my homeworks with Coach is to work on the Thought Model, part of which is a Thought Dump - write down all the thoughts and get them out of your head. I realized after thinking about that, that this blog is like my thought dump! I just don't write down all the thoughts. Just the training ones. 

The nutrition went OK over the weekend, no banned foods. But I still nom and munch, which is against the plan. I keep saying, oh next week I'll start that part. No!

Maybe I could do that soon. But first - get to work! I've been up since 4:30 (and poor sleep too) and it's 9:30 and I just got to work!!!!!!!

23 mile week ending on January 23rd

RUN 4 miles treadmill, easy 5.0 speed

Depending on where I put the 5 miler last Sunday (I mean to have it in this week) I have either a 17 or 23 mile week. The plan says 23, I couldn't run the 5er on Monday, and oh heck I'm overthinking this and just need to be happy -- 23 miles this week!

26 miles next week. You can bet that I'll have 26.2 just because. Then a rest week. 

This week is a busy one. LA's truck is not drivable, I have a 12 hour something day on Tuesday along with a 4pm Coach meeting, then I have Thursday afternoon with the dental surgeon. In between, kidney transplant day.

But really my issue is the lack of two vehicles. It means I will likely be doing the 26 off the treadmill, or in the evenings on the treadmill. I really need to mix it up, or I'l be pushing too fast too far by going outside all the sudden. I really shouldn't be doing 20+ plus indoors! Coach Patrick is telling me what I already need to know.

I didn't get to strength training yet, I watched the module only this morning. I'd like to do the workout tomorrow morning, if I can get to the gym at 5am and then be home by 6am for LA to get to work. Then I run....in the morning? I think so. 

I'm not through all the modules yet either, but I'm focusing on the ones he told me to do first. Those I have finished. And probably starting Wednesday I'll be IF as per his plan. But in my head it starts Monday? We can see, my meals are packed to start Monday. 

Then I did eat more berries

RUN 5 miles, walked about ... 0.3-0.4 of it?

Treadmill again, did all I had time for since I had to get to work. The run felt good, I watched some of the coaching videos.

Looking at my plan, if I consider the Sunday 5 miler as part of this week, I have 5+9+5=19, then only need another 4 more to hit the goal of 23 miles. Yay!

Last night there was some M of protein, a stressed anxious type of time. Then I knowingly ate a small amount of berries after I should have been done. I stuck to the plan and hit the macros, but it's hard to quantify the meats, I feel like I'm guessing.

When I went to bed I had gut cramps. The cauliflower or broccoli? All day yesterday and today I've had a vague longing for something....I'm not hungry then my stomach growls then I don't want to eat. And I've yet to settle into a 2 or 3 meals. This vague hunger leaves me in more of a split lunch thing. Gotta fix. 

I didn't eat more berries!

BIKE indoors 31 minutes 

No goal, so I got bored. We went to bed kinda late, so I slept in, and decided to stay home instead of going to the gym. And it's cold outside! I was supposed to be reading my strength training modules for Coach Patrick, I'm behind on that. It's only a 20-30 min workout, but I've yet to even crack it open.

Yesterday was the first day of the new way of eating. Let's not call it a diet. I came home from my run and ate 6 egg whites and 2 yolks and some fat (avocado?), and a small bowl of mixed berries. Lunch was chicken with sriracha mayo and cali veggies. Dinner was salmon, chicken, chicken, munch, and 1 measured cup of blueberries.

Normally, there would have been fruit for lunch and more more fruit with dinner. How did it feel? I had a bit of famine-brain, that feeling of "I haven't eaten and I'll need to eat" and a vague hunger that had me wanting to (and doing so) eat lunch early. So I split lunch and ate it in two portions. 

I'm salting and I'm drinking, I don't feel carb flu? I'm also reducing my caffeine slowly, since yesterday I had to take a caffeine pill to keep thinking at work. 

Yesterday 30000 steps, today so far (2pm) only 1735!! Go walk!

I don't know how to calculate the 10-15% of calories from net carbs. So for now, until I think of a way or have to ask, I'm focusing on 50% fat and 35% protein and letting the rest of it be the net carbs. 

 

First meeting with Coach Patrick and 7.6 miles on treadmill

RUN treadmill 7.6 miles and walk 0.9, total 8.5 miles

The run was great, easy, and feeling a little anxious because it was warmer outside and I coulda run outside, and CP told me to get off the treadmill here soon. Also, today is the Day 1 of the CP plan and instead of fruit and sweet potato after the run I just had saltwater and eggs and avocado! Eek!

Here I am around 1pm, I'm vaguely hungry and terribly thirst. Go Drink!!

I have homework! And lots to say here.

First off - keep an Anything Is Possible mindset. I can speed up and run faster. I can change my habits. 

1. Start logging accurately and diligently in MFP for a few weeks. 

2. I can text or email him anytime with questions. I didn't have many yesterday, but I'm sure I'll come up with some, and I need to get over the fear of "bothering" people. 

3. I need to login to his website and start going through the library, in particular 2 courses: weight loss training for runners and Getting It all Done. 

4. The Goals as he outlined and I confirmed: 1) get back to expected weight by reducing fat and building muscle 2) Prep for Glass City Marathon in 14 weeks with goal of Finish 3) Prep nutrition and training for Hennepin 100 in October 4) Fix eating habits that are self sabotaging.  These goals are all tied together.

5.  Get off the treadmill. It uses different mechanics and different muscles. Start transitioning away from it.

6. Measurements today were 135 lbs, 29% BF, 95.6 LBM, and 39.4 FM. This gets measured about every 30 days. 

7. The foods! Paleo-ish, whole and real foods, with a focus on lean protein

    7a. Carbs increase insulin which increases inflammation

    7b. Goal macros are 35% protein, 50% fat, and 10-15% net carbs (subtract fiber)

    7c. Get macros in line this week using MFP

    7d. 1700 is on the high side, shoot for 1300, but that's not a hard and fast number, follow hunger too

    7e. For now, 3 meals but look forward to reducing to 2 meals a day.

    7f. Reduce the potato, fruits, carrots. The occasional carrot, and berries are OK

    7g. 1300 is NOT NET, it is total

    7h. Get into oils, olive avocado ghee and coconut

    7i. ABSOLUTELY NO alcohol, sugar, vegetable oils, and flours

    

8. The training! 

   8a. Get into faster runs (already doing this)

   8b. Add salt, try a glass of salt/electrolyte water before a run. Even afterwards, to avoid the carb flu

   8c. 

9. Log the foods the day before to fit the macros, THEN STICK TO THAT PLAN. FOLLOW THROUGH. 

10. The strength training!

   10a. 2x a week, whole body workout

   10b. 20-30 mins each

   10c. 2 days between sessions, so something like Mo and Th, or Tu and Fri

   10d. It can be on a run day

   10e. It can be on a hard run day too

   10f. The order of run and strength doesn't matter

   10g. There is a weight loss training course Build Strength and Reduce Stress module with 9 exercises.

   10h. SMART: 1 set of moves to failure, working slowly. But ease into this, do 2-3 weeks with maybe 2-3 sets.

   10i. Log the workouts: exercise, weight, and reps. 

A mere 8 miles, week summary, lots of stress

Mon RUN 7 miles plus 1 mile walking. Daily steps 28,642!
Tues ELLIPTICAL 1 hour of nervous e-book reading
Weds RUN 7.25 + 0.75, in the wrong shoes!
Thurs BIKE on the Bird, 40 minutes.
Fri RUN 7.25 + 1 miles again

Sun RUN 5+1 in hotel 

Rib update - the pain is more mild but still there. If I pick something up or lean into it, like leaning back in bed or lying down in bed, it hurts. But it's more mild. Thankfully it doesn't feel like a real break.

Yesterday night after a weekend of NOT running and only 5000 steps per day, my right upper hamstring started a pained twinge niggle. I anxietied about not doing strength training for a month now (since the coronavirus test, then Christmas, then the rib... I have so many excuses!). 

Anxiety was a theme last week. It included the court case and upcoming changes; my diet fails and upset stomach issues; the thoughts by LA that I have some autoimmune disorder that's connected to the Raynauds observation, the random swelling I get, and more; the diet changes that come with that type of diagnosis; the changes I'd make without even having a diagnosis; the upcoming life changes and how they will change the life I'm trying so hard to get back to (ie, weekend training with kids?); and more more more. Money. Food costs. Not seeing family. Upcoming doctor appointments and the symptoms that prompt those appointments. Gluten exposures with kids around.

But on the plus side, I've kept to my sketch-a-day goal, a 2022 decluttering goal of 2022 things (I'm 1/10th way there), and on Thursday I have my talk with Patrick about coaching. Do I need another voice in my  head? Or will it instead be a voice of reason that drowns out the other voices? 

No M yesterday, after a streak of M. Monday, still no M even with pb.

After a weekend of generalized anxiety, finally I'm back on a schedule with my Monday. I know what I'm doing, and I feel better with that. I missed the weekend's 'long run' so I moved it to today  - the goal was 8 miles total running, walking, crawling, falling, whatever. I ran :)

Tuesday I woke up around 335am and couldn't fall back asleep. So what did I do? I didn't want to disturb LA and I wanted to sleep, I tried, but I ended up just THINKING. So I woke up a jumbled-sleepless-overthought mess. This has been all in my head since last Weds, all of the changes that are going to happen. I've known all along changes would happen, so why does it stress me out now? What am I stressed about? See separate post about S-T-R-E-S-S.

I did a one hour elliptical, I was gonna do 30 mins of that and 30 mins of strength. My head wasn't available for that. I had to stay buried in my e-book about new habits and change. 

ETA: I called to reschedule my dental surgery evaluation from Mar 2 to Jan 27. I called the vet office and expect them to call back today. I downloaded a budgeting app, but I've yet to even open it. I've blocked off at least 20 mins of time each evening in which I can do anything but chores. 

Wednesday I got a late start to the gym, but still got my mere 8 miles in. This time to videos of Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners, and with the trail shoes! I'm happy it seemed to go OK, but I'll wait and see what my feet think about it in 24-36 hours. They already hurt when I wake up or sit too long.  I managed to remember to bring the headband and towel for sweat, but then wore the wrong shoes - the old Cascadias! I love those shoes :)

Friday about the same as Wednesday  

Sunday was a hotel treadmill run, I wanted my 8 but realized i was pushing my mileage. But I get Monday and Tuesday off, so this was my Monday replacement run. All feels good!! But I need strength training. My rib is getting better and I expect Coach Patrick will encourage it! 

Coach Patrick and the BadAssBee

Well I did it. I just had a call with Coach Patrick and I did it. I signed up. Ooh the financial cost. But ooh if I could not be the same mess that I am now in three months....worth it. 

He asked my goals and for the first time perhaps ever I said out loud my goals. I want to be the person and body and athlete that I was years ago. Fearless. Sign-me-up. I can do Anything. I can eat normally. I am 120, not 135 or 150. I'm able to run free and clear of mental clutter and punishment. 

There. I said it. I'm finally admitting that I wear the weight like a weight, like a punishment, like a ball and chain I have to carry around day after day. It's almost like I'm resistant to losing it. As if I like it. So I can look in the mirror and say to myself "see that? see what you've done? that's what you get for what you did".

I told him that no one around me has any idea that I think like this. Not even my blog knows this until now!!! (Which brings up another point, do I talk to LA? Now, or later?)

I told him I go into a grocery store and it's like a panic attack. I come home and do the exact thing I told myself I wouldn't do. I wake up the next day and the workout has to be a counterbalance for the carryover.

Time to let go. Let go of this crazy, and find me again. 

He focuses on results and tweaks as needed to get those results. He focuses on Mindset, Identity, Being (instead of Doing). He doesn't just tell you what to do or what to eat or what to run. He focuses on the Why's, new habits, and a new relationship to yourself.

And now when I'm rereading my notes and replaying what I just said to him, I see my relationship to myself is broken. I don't seem to like myself, or trust myself. I seem to like punishing and berating. Finding fault and taking it out on me or something else. 

So I have 3 months! 15 pounds, give or take. A marathon in Toledo. And a new relationship with a badass runner and an authentic version of myself. 

I've been looking for "me" for years now. Will I find the Me with this step? 

A word crossed my mind the other day a Bee + Phoenix. A BeeNix. Boenix? Whatevs. I used to do Bee 2.0 and Bee 3.0 and BornAgainBee and BreakawayBee and ......and those bees....where are they today?

I didn't mention M. How could I? It scares me, wouldn't it also scare anyone else? 

So, here's to 3 months and $1500 dollars towards change. To addressing my problems, and to finding ME again. -- >BadAssBee!

Forgetting and Forgiving - book

BIKE 40 mins easy indoors on the Bird

I started reading on my library books while on the Bird, this was a catch-up morning to get stuff done. Instead of driving to the gym, stay home and get ahead if I can for the weekend of travel. 

I finished a disappointing book on habits, downloaded yet another habits book, then cracked into the "Forgiving What We Can't Forget" that I downloaded after seeing in the Family Access Bible study emails. I only barely got started into the book but came across this in Chapter 1: (some sentences omitted, underline my emphasis)

"In the early days after my marriage devastation, I remember wishing I could be put to sleep like when you have surgery. ...The shock and heartbreak implosion impacted every level of my life. ...I felt the harsh realities every single day. ... My health was failing. My finances were a mess. I was getting letters from attorneys I never dreamed we'd need. And each night the only way I could sleep was to lie to myself that tomorrow would be better. 

Days turned into months. Months turned into years. And slowly I turned into someone I didn't recognize. My strong but normally carefree spirit became a confusing mix of anxiety, panic attacks, and soul-blinding pain so intense I thought I'd never feel healthy or regain a sense of normalcy again. ...

Relationships were reduced to attempts at managing what I feared about them rather than enjoying what I loved bout them. Laughter felt fake. Fun felt careless. And people's imperfections were like neon lights screaming that they were just another high-risk opportunity for me to get hurt again. Daily issues all seemed like worst-case scenarios. Small aggravations like emotional chaos. And losses big and small were light terminal assaults. 

A heaviness settled in that I couldn't explain or pinpoint exactly. I'm not sure how to properly describe it, except to say on different days it crept up with varying personal that seemed to hold me together and rip me apart simultaneously."

And more. Still reading. 

I could have written that about me!

PT guy Ben has said that it seemed like I hadn't let something go yet, that I was still holding on to some emotional garbage and/or pain to heal and move on. 

And LA is asking me to answer on the topic of marriage. I'm hesitant right now. Too much mental distraction. What another book this morning referred to as 'cognitive load'. Too much right now. 

Trying to clear up stuff anxieties

RUN treadmill 7.25 mi + 0.75 walk, I dunno, about 12:00-12:30 pace? I managed to remember to bring the headband and towel for sweat, but then wore the wrong shoes - the old Cascadias! I love those shoes :)

Last night LA thought he noticed something wrong to indicate that something was wrong with the right side of my heart. Ugh the last thing I need is yet one more thing. Should I tell him that on Monday my chest had pain so I ran at a higher pace just to say "Fuck You" to the chest pain. I don't think he'd find it as funny as I did, and certainly not as satisfying. He doesn't seem excited about me running more, or I can't tell what he means. I'd hoped he join me for some running but it hasn't happened yet. He's busy, we both are, but how is it we're too busy to enjoy things like running and stained glass and painting and drawing and photography and guns and writing letters? How does it get to that point? That's one reason why I think my life doesn't feel normal yet. I keep thinking that sometime "soon" we'll have time; sometime "soon" we'll have money for extra things; sometime ''soon we'll be grown up and out of school and have normal lives. But it continues to elude me. Back in 2016-2018 I had it. But I lost it and still looking. 

This also means a late start to work, but this was sorta planned because I have a late day planned. Dinner is in my bag, as I expect to be here that long. I spent my extra time this morning at the house doing my declutter (christmas tree ornaments I didn't like; that ancient lemon cake candle I don't use; and I see so much more that can get out). I packaged up the wooden table easel LA bought for me as a Christmas gift. He loves it - he was so excited by it and sent pictures when he opened it (he didn't even wrap it, he opened it and set it up before I was even home). I love the *idea* of it, but I don't draw at an angle like that. I draw flat. And I paint watercolors - they need a flat surface. Easels and supposed to be better for posture, but I don't spend enough time doing this to matter. Then the ledge hits my wrist, it's not made to be on a lap so it has to take up table space, I can't store it standing up because there's a drawer under it with stuff and the stuff will spill about, and then the drawer doesn't even open and close nicely. So....while I like the idea of having an art space, I don't like the actual thing. And when I can come up with so many reasons to NOT have something - it has to go. It's been sitting on the coffee table and every single time I walk in the room or through the front door I have a guilt/regret reaction that causes anxiety. So he needs to return it, and I can't tell if he's joking or not when he says he won't return it. Please return it. And the paint brushes too. I'll keep just one nice brush, but all this ridiculousness spent because I bought a $9.99 set of kids paints for my covidity week, it's just wrong. I can't focus on so much stuff. 

Today at the gym I was thinking about selling the side-by-side hutch and trading it in for a storage space for art. But then I realized it's probably easier to just dedicate to putting my art stuff in it (I half do that already, so why only half?) and keep using the roll-top desk for drawing because as it turns out I like that space. A big drawing table would be fun - like in front of the southern study window or in the bigger north living room window. Maybe someday LA will retire his big white standing desk? But until then, I don't have time anyway.

Alongside the easel is the book he bought last May or June and he bought it because I'd mentioned some podcast interview that I don't even remember anymore, and I told him I wasn't interested in reading it, but he didn't return it, and now there it sits in front of me on the coffee table to guilt/shame me day after day that I haven't read it and he wasted money on it. But I kept it because I like the *idea* that maybe I'll sit and read it. But the reality - no, I don't expect I ever will. I barely even know what the book is about. And the cover has some guy's face with dark eyes and it's like the book is looking at me to mock me. Every day. 

But one thing I could fix was the hydroponics plants things gift from mom and dad. More anxiety. Again - I love the *idea*, but only the idea. The idea that you can grow herbs and veggies in your basement and the herbs and veggies and milkweed for monarchs - all great and domestic and idealistic. But I haven't grown herbs in years, I don't like how they taste anymore, and we don't cook with them. I had to quit eating most of the veggies Jessica recommended. And I didn't enough Michigan monarchs last year to invest in that project. And I really don't need yet another thing to take care of, yet another thing to have, yet another thing to make space for, and yet another thing to spend money on to buy seeds and plants. So, just like the easel  - I can't have it. I just can't. Happily mom is able to return it. She said she'd send a check so I could buy what I want - but I don't want to buy anything as I'm trying to RID of things. Then I'd just feel guilty that I took her money! 

But - at least the hydroponics stuff is taken care of. Whew. Now for the easel and the brushes. And that book. All the books actually. My ExH bought most all them stupid books and and I didn't read them either, he just bought them because he didn't know what else to buy. So WHY do I still have them? Books are for libraries. Not my shelves. 

S-T-R-E-S-S

Copied from Tuesday's 1-11-22 post, then deleted, because it turned into it's own mess. 

Tuesday I woke up around 335am and couldn't fall back asleep. So what did I do? I didn't want to disturb LA and I wanted to sleep, I tried, but I ended up just THINKING. So I woke up a jumbled-sleepless-overthought mess. This has been all in my head since last Weds, all of the changes that are going to happen. I've known all along changes would happen, so why does it stress me out now? What am I stressed about?

• LA will realize I won't be a good parent, and our relationship will change
• The stress of constant travel (every weekend?!) will wear on me, and our relationship will change
• The stress of kids living here will change our relationship
• I don't know how to be a parent!
• I don't know how to protect my space and my interests and my time
• I'm spending more money than I make since moving here 
• My dog is sick, and I'm in such denial that I don't call the vet to learn more, and it's more money to spend!
• My meals are a mess of random shit standing at a countertop
• I'm potentially sick, between my face/jaw and I don't want to see a specialist to confirm it
• I'm coming up on the PCP appointment where I have to acknowledge all the past sickness, and I want to cancel the appointment
  LA wants me to call every day to see about cancelations, but if I call I'll just be tempted to cancel the appointment
• LA thinks I have symptoms of an AI disorder, and the last thing I want to do is get tested or even consider it. Really, just shoot me now if that's what I have
  
• LA mentions I have generalized anxiety have I see a doc about it? Really, another disorder put on me?!
• Now I'm afraid to eat certain foods because I think they'd make an AI worse
• My gut and skin symptoms are crazy since Christmas week, when will they improve?
• I'm afraid to come near gluten or dairy, thinking they cause above symptoms

What's good?
I'm running 20-25 miles a week!
I'm making time to sketch or draw or paint everyday
Work hasn't changed, it's stayed constant
I'm not a total fail as a parent, at least the kids like me

What can I control of the above list?
Spending - budgeting app, awareness, and defining limits
My time - set aside my time, even just 30 minutes, and I'll feel like I have "my time"
Call the vet dental surgeon to see about cancelations
Get back to meal plans so I don't have to cook and clean every single day

OK enough. 

 

It's gonna be another rest week - nope scratch that a regular - nope scratch that again :(

Tues RUN treadmill 6 miles, plus 0.75mi walk
Weds ELLIPTICAL 1 hour
Thurs RUN treadmill 6 plus 1

We arrived at 2-3am, so no gym for me! LA went for a short run after his late exam. I wanted to go, but I was post dinner and tired. No running for me after 9pm these days. Those are the old days. Speaking of the old days, PB and GoatC came into the house last night. $4 GC out, and rest of PB to dog. M had some. The old me from the old days, still here. But it was no fun, and a stress response thing. 

Tuesday RUN I did as a 4+2, with 0.25 mi walk WU, break, and CD. I watched a "konmari" video, inspiration for my 2022 goal of getting rid of 2022 things? It's the 4th day, I'm already up to 40, but these are the easy days! The run felt great, my feet are still painfully tight after sitting while (even just the bus ride to work) but the rib is better (still hurting, so I did wrist HRM). LA leaves today for MO, I'll see him when I go there Friday. I went home to stress M. 

Wednesday was a stress day, the relocation hearing and I was a ball of nervous energy. So while I should be doing strength training and stretching, I'm doing cardio only. My rib is not improving, and I've started a near-constant slouch and guarding. Well it's kinda better. At night I told LA that my fingertips turned white and he pointed out maybe Raynauds. Now he thinks I have an AI issue. My mind can't handle that right now. BTW- the hearing went great for us. Also today, I set up an appointment for next Thursday for Running Lean. Then I went home and stress M the pizza. 

Thursday with my rib still hurting, and no headphones because I left them at lab, another treadmill run. This time I could finish the full walk because my gut didn't decide to do an urgent-empty like it did Tuesday. The runs feel great, I did 4+2 because I need to reset the treadmill at 60 mins anyway, and it gets my walk in. It's icy and snowing, and I don't think it's really going to change anytime soon if it stays cold. That's why I have the gym! But I need to get back to strength and flexibility. Since Dec 10th, I've been away from it due to the virus, travel, and the rib. Please don't stress M tonight. 

Friday ellitical, just to get rid of nervous energy

Saturday rested, Sunday LA was home and we got caught up in errands. My opportunity to run didn't come up until 5pm, and by then my energy was shot from anxiety.