Day in Sandusky; no running weekend; long week but 4 days!

I ran.... 6 miles on Thursday? And bike commute? I forget. 

Long week last week, not the topic for here. But I'm holding to the No M goal, 4 days. 

Everything is Changing: New Moon for Integrity

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday: nothing!
Tuesday two kids and I biked 6 miles
Wednesday RUN 3.1 miles in 31 mins, skateboard
Thursday COMMUTE 7 miles

The new moon is at 13:55 and yesterday when I learned this I decided I'd sit down ahead of it and think. So here I am, thanks to my alarm reminding me. 

I started a podcast from Coach Patrick about having a life of integrity. Still listening to it. So what did I plan to think about here? 

Life really changed over the weekend, and I decided to set 15 goals in these 15 minutes to get myself there. I might not get them all out at once, but 15 goals, go! Divide into 3 realms: Fasts, Habits, Training.

FAST
1. Continue the clean fasts until at least noon, goal for 2pm. 
2. Do the ADF, I haven't dedicated to it and it fell apart the past week.
3. 8pm is the end, a hard cut off
4. Standing, snacking out of meals - stop
5. Plan and pack ahead

HABIT
1. No more Monster, the Balrog
2. Come home to go upstairs with a 2 minute timer.
3. Have a chore ready to go before coming home.
4. Leave Moria, and sit with the feeling. Think about why.
5. Just stop, even if started, just stop

TRAINING
1. Make a training plan, to avoid the decision fatigue. Plan it.
2. Do the ADF, I haven't dedicated to it and it fell apart the past week. 
3. Gym at least once a week. Swim at least once a week.
4. Run 3 times a week, forget the distance until habit re-established
5. Strength, flexibility, self care, daily 

I've said all this before. 

My own Gollum

RUN 5 miles in 49 mins, 2nd mile a 9:09 but walked a bit later
COMMUTE 7 miles

The run was good and squeezed in between LA time and getting to work meeting. It felt productive. But it also felt a bit weak. I need to increase flexibility, strength, and PT work. It was good but flat. I listened to Running Lean podcast, still debating to go back to him or not. 

Today's podcast was the end of good carbs/bad carbs and 5 foods to increase metabolism - MCT, whole fat yogurt, salmon, chocolate, eggs. All good. I need more.

I'm thinking about trying ADF. Like, today be increased but tomorrow go low. Why do I even think this? I sketch out the hours and numbers. Thinking. Yesterday it was 5.2  Today it was 3.6. Last week 1.4. Obsess much? 

M the chicken last night. Does it count? yes!

The 2 kids are enjoying LotR with me, and especially the Gollum character. I realized today that I have my own Smeagol/Gollum in my head. Slinker says too much. Stinker takes the cup and stands at the edge of the countertop. Slinker says it's too hot and not that good. Stinker continues anyway, secretively. Slinker says it's enough and no more. Stinker returns to the source, and back again to the edge of the countertop.

Last night I was tempted to try Slava's brownies - just a bite. But they contained corn starch - and I stuck it out and a WIN for Personal Integrity as I skipped even just a bite. 

IF wins, but the gains are losses

Saturday RUN 10 miles in about 1:40-something
Sunday Skateboard!?

Saturday was another run like last week. I wanted to get up early and be done, go alone and focus by not focusing. But LA wanted a family bike ride and so did they and (well, not Arlette!) so it wasn't until 12pm that I started running. I hadn't eaten anything, just sipping coffee and water, but I felt great. 

Great except for the right heel pain I still have. Been there since before the ankle surgery, still there now. Let's ignore it for now. 

Like last weekend too I waited 20-21 hrs IF, not eating until after 4pm as goal. Energy was OK but getting short, like my temper. 

In the month of July so far every day has been "clean IF" until afternoon, with 11 20+hr and 1 of those a 24hr. It so happens today is day 30 of the clean IF method. I'm used to it now, it's easy. I'm drinking maybe too much coffee, but I've started mixing it half/half to reduce the caffeine. 

Surprisingly I get to 20+ hours and think I could easily keep going. Not surprisingly I start and it's a conveyor belt of non-stop, and therein lies my current problem. I'm like a turkey at bedtime. I even started a No Turkey habit in the tracker :/

I have a great plan - all meals are prepacked on Sunday and for the most part I follow it. Except when I don't, and the lack of integrity and honest there is what the actual problem is. I've allowed fruit (minimal, but uncounted), rice (lots, poorly counted), sweet potato (M'd, a problem). I've disallowed azuc (oh, last night, almost!). I'm trying to kill off the Balrog M, but once a week it resurfaces. Even if minimal. I'm happy that the long sessions are gone, the week long stuff is gone, the bottomed-out is gone. But it's not entirely gone. 

And worst of all, right when I think I have progress and all feels good (like the djzeens) - I get a "drama" reality check and fucking hell I'm back into confusion. I think - WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!

Then the next reality check. Well did you count the noms last night? No. Add them in. 300 at least of them. Ouch, and I realize it's not 12-14 it's 15-19 and I can't fucking count. 

Lack of honesty.
Lack of integrity. 
Lack of monitoring.
Lack of measuring.
Lack of attention.

I keep wondering, if/when I should go back to Patrick. It helped. The pendulum swung in March and April, but I was running so much more then. Which was it? So I'll need to ask me, and maybe eventually him, "what would change this time". And then I need to ask me, "do I need help with it". 

I'm thinking on paper here. 

What would I want help with? I'm in a rut thinking I've made this big change, but I've only changed PART of it. I've changed the WHEN but not the WHAT. 

I need to sit and eat a meal, not have a conveyor belt thing going.
I need to pay attention to what and how much, so I'm not a stuffed turkey at the end. 
I need to taste and enjoy, not mindlessly move through it.
I need to calm the fuck down, that's where M comes in. 

And I need to change the plan for today to adjust for CO? 
I dunno. 

Full Supermoon; 24hr IF; back on schedule

RUN 5 miles in 49:07 
COMMUTE 7 miles, first one this week!

Finally back on track. But to get on track, I had to leave another, and balancing the two of them (or more, depending on the day) is one thing that stresses me. 

I was up at 540 as planned, and to my relief at MTW+T BM finally happens. OMAD thing? Anyway, because of that I didn't start until 640. High school loop alone to music, feeling a little sluggy but holding and sub 10 m/m and not needing to walk. 

Back to walk Sugar with Slava, apple cinnamon cresent rolls, brekkie for LA, bike to work. 

Yesterday I did my first (ever?) 24 hr IF. 5:21pm to 5:21pm. When I came home just after 5 I was mentally hungry but not physically hungry. But still I ate sweet potato, rice and butter, chicken, cheese, more rice, strawberries....and still at 1200. No wonder I'm full, I ate that in 2 hours. Starting again at 7:30 (after a half hour delay for eating watermelon). Could I do a 36? More? This 20-24 hour was easy. But then again I didn't run or bike. See how today goes. I do like the good feeling my stomach has lately - less pain and fullness. Until I eat all that in a short time! 

The best -- NO M at all yesterday. I threw away a lot of food that M wanted. I starved him.

And a Full Supermoon! 

If I were to come back tomorrow and report success, what would it look like?

I came to work a bit of a mess, but identified my priorities and focused on getting done before 3pm. My priorities were: the PCR gel, AJ's cells, the mouse transfers. Then work on any ordering, mouse ordering, calendar planning, and emailing boss about late morning tomorrow. 

I got home around 330pm and put the kids to all chores right away. I walked the dog and drank water, since my OMAD doesn't end until 4pm. I get unpacked from the day and repacked for piano and biking. This includes getting money for piano. Since I can't guarantee LA will be home, I'll plan as if I'm doing it. 

-->Dear Gawd please fix Pupp's back tire during this time!!! Almost forgot. 

Au and I leave at 4:50 for piano and I get that time to do my Duolingo. If LA takes her, I get that time to sit at stained glass and plan the last pieces. 

Home at 5:35-5:40 and LA is here, we decide to bike Liberty. It's a short drive and we get to bike until 7:30, Home by 8pm.

The rest of my dinner is waiting. 

-----

How was it really? I left work to be home by 3pm. Home to ALL CHORES DONE and AWESOME it felt great to not be bombarded by that walking in the door. Lemon cake while I ate dinner, I was done by 5:11 and thinking a 24hr OMAD is possible. Piano class, gravel ride, 2nd phone call, and NOTHING afterwards. SUCCESS.

Some M of mozzarella. Some noms of yogurt and molasses. But not overfilled. And not hit the goal of water first. I got halfway through that. 

Do it again. Think ahead and plan. 

This week (so far) is getting away from me. I'm so full but so empty.

Monday Nothing

Tuesday Nothing (yet)

I have a litany of excuses. Where to start? 

Yesterday I took the morning off work to take  AB to her peds appt. I drove to work to "save time" and I didn't have the mental energy for it. 

Today I took the two to blood draws, got home around 8:25am, and again drove to work to "save time" getting to a meeting at 9am. Also because Puppy has a slow leak in the rear tire and I was too mindless to fix it last night. 

No run today, because I slept in with LA. This was for two reasons. Again we were up late last night. I was physically in bed under the covers at 9:59pm...wait let's back up......!

5pm Leave work and drive home. Stop by Aldi on the way. Decide to by Neuf Cheese and vanilla caramels and strawberries for myself as a treat. 

5:11 my 20hr OMAD ends

5:3? driving home I eat the strawberries at 20 hours 21 mins (WIN!!!!)

5:3? driving home I started giving caramels to M. Half to him, half to me, half to the wrapper. But not the road this time

5:40 I'm home and I'm IMMEDIATELY cornered at the door while carrying in groceries. Where's LA? I look, he's home? I find him in the bathroom. Then he goes to the garage. No hug or kiss like I needed. Kids have phone call and news and talking and Sl is asking over and over and over "what's the plan?" "are we biking" "are we going somewhere" "are we XXXX" and all I can say is "I need to relax". I start phone call. 

6-645: I'm a mess. I'm mindlessly eating dinner, wanting to wait to eat with them but it's mindless and hurried. I had my prepacked meal, I started with that but spun out fast. I had cheddar and mozarella, the neuf, caramels, chicken and rice, rice, butter, molasses - all off plan. Some of it substitution and OK, but all off plan. And M. So much of him around. 

I'm spiraling. I want to slow down but I'm like in a rush of HURRY and I'm doing the locket and LA is asking for this and that and he's like off in his own world and the dog wants attention and the kids are upstairs talking and I'm not sure what everyone wants for dinner because no one but me seems to care and all I can do is think about getting my OMAD and that's all I want and I'm full but I'm empty and and and and and...

6:50ish the call is done and I'm still spiraling. They start fixing their own dinner. LA around 715 realizes they're eating and not waiting and now he's frustrated (I think) and now I'm wearing down. Sl is in a hurry to bike or skateboard and Ar is not doing dishes and Au is doing the chores she was supposed to do during the day and she's rushing around because she wants to skate or bike too and there's questions about how to cook the corn and the sweet potatoes and how to boil water and why am I doing dishes yet again and when are we biking and when do you want to go to bed and and and and and...

7:30? I'm done. I just want to sit. LA is just sitting and not helping. He's enjoying his meal? I'm not sure but I didn't enjoy mine and and I didn't enjoy the last 2-3 hours of my life. 

8pm or so or sometime between 730 and 8 I decide fuck this shit I'm walking my dog. I bring Sl with me and the next thing I know Au and LA are with me and we walk down mosquito hill to skateboard and walk. 10K steps WIN! 

Home around 9pm, I promised that if they get ready for bed and etc we can watch LotR for 20 mins, then meditate then bed. 

Done with LotR at 9:45. Meditation done 9:57. I'm in bed under the blanket 9:59.

They keep reading, all 3 in the room. Where's LA? He's ...? Downstairs in the basement, he was there while we watched the video. He doesn't tell me what he's doing. I had told him we're going to bed earlier, but he's down there and then he's in the kitchen and I'm trying to sleep but it's only quiet waiting to fall asleep and I'm waiting and trying to sleep and still no LA and finally at about 1115 I go down to find him and tell him to come to bed and he's watching youtube AGAIN and eating again and he doesn't come right away and eventfully he does and he showers and tucks in kids and comes to bed at around midnight.

0:00hrs I talk to him and draw out the stresses of his day. We're up until ... at least 0:30 or 0:45. My heart/chest area hurts again and I'm overfull and yet so empty.

So that's why I slept in today. My alarm sounded at 6:30 but we didn't "get up" until 730 when I went to walk Au and Sl for the blood draw appointment. I don't get to shower. Today and yesterday I don't get to have a BM because I'm in such a rush. I got to work right at 9am and I've unsettled ever since.

No rest. No shower. No bathroom time. No run. How does it come to this? 

I need to start another thread here and write about how the evening SHOULD go if I just plan it keep to a plan. 

I have to take Au to piano maybe. So I need to leave work by 4:30. Worse yet, I should leave by 3 because otherwise I have to restart the parking clock.

Home to piano - if I take her then I'm not home to pack the rack and the bikes and the gear. But the plan is to ride on Liberty roads since there's no organized gravel ride. 

This alone fucks up my evening and I don't know how to fix it. 

Stop and write out the perfect day!!     Calm the Fuck Down

Independence Day week summary

BIKE 9 miles gravel  - aurora's first loop!
RUN 13.6 miles
COMMUTE 24.5 miles

It was a 'rest' week in the training plan. I missed the 4-5 mile tuesday run, and had a short thursday run too. But I hit the weekend goals. When I finished the 8 miler on sunday (on the B2B trail by Dexter) I thought it was faster than last weeks - nope, the same.

The kids did a 10 mile bike ride while I ran the 8 miles. We didn't bike much this week! Where does the time go?

My finger tip is still painful, and flat. Thanks to the monster biting it off :(

I'm now in the 4th week of Clean Fasting. 3# result last week? See if it's a trend. I'm now easily doing OMAD, or 20:4. 

Missed a run but got the full gravel loop

Tues COMMUTE 7 miles

Tues  BIKE 9 miles gravel

Weds COMMUTE 7 miles

I'm typing with a big bandage on the left ring finger, and I keep hitting somehow the caps lock button. I'm driving myself crazy. 

I didn't get my run yesterday, many excuses maybe at the top would be the finger tip injury. And I slept in with LA. And he had a late-start morning. I figured I'd run Wednesday (I didn't! Rain and another late start morning).

I'm tired from the "long" run Sunday, but that shouldn't be a reason! So now the plan is to just skip that run altogether.

Yesterday we did another together family dinner, I left work at 410 and made it only a few mins late. I IF'd until dinner 20 hours! And wasn't terribly hungry. I'm now in the 3rd week of clean fasts, and roughly second week of almost or full OMAD. I'm at least waiting until 2pm, and now adjusting to it. It's giving my gut a rest it seems.

I tried eating cantaloupe Monday and Tues, but the bloating is making me stop again. I have yogurts prepared with 3-4 strawberries each, I'll see how that goes. Then decide again on fruit. I went Feb - June without fruit!!

I've realized that Monster cut my finger, as punishment. Yesterday wasn't only a 20 hour day, but also finally a No-M day, No-Azuc day, and a No-Overfull day, and a No-CO day. WINS. 

Independence weekend, a monster took my finger tip

Saturday RUN 3 miles

Sunday RUN 8 miles
Monday rest on the 4th

A 21 mile week!

The streak was broken on 14 days. CCheese, plantain chips. I begin again today.

It's +8 today. It's killing me.

I'm killing me. It's my choice. I'm playing the numbers game and only the numbers don't lie. I do. 

And so as long as I keep lying to myself, the numbers will win. And I Lie. I Cheat. I Steal. 

I can't tolerate you. 

Good for you - 18-20 hours. But then if nothing else changes, then nothing else will change.

I started eating fruit again. It's meant to replace Azu. I forgot ignored that yesterday. I lied. 

Today I have a plan. The week is planned. Just follow your plan. 

Yesterday I snipped off the end of my left ring finger. So fucking fitting, that I broke a personal promise to myself the day I put that ring on and that I cut that finger. Now it's a scar I'll wear to remind me everyday after. Another scar. 

Remember the left wrist/thumb scar? Almost 30 years ago! That ugly thing now a part of me. This new one also a part of me. 

I need to cut off M instead. That's the problem. That part of me needs to Get The Fuck Out. 

He's not going to leave on his own, Bee. You keep opening the door. You Tolerate. 

It's Your Choice. 

Tomorrow is two weeks!

Weds COMMUTE 7 miles
Thurs RUN 5.3 miles and COMMUTE 7 miles
Fri COMMUTE 7 miles

Today is Friday, and tomorrow is two weeks without an M. Yay. 

I'm so tired and flat though. Yesterday was yet another medical appointment, with yet another waiting period until the imaging. 3 weeks this time. I'd like to put it out of my head until then, but it hasn't happened yet. It hangs over me. 

And after reading the rheumatologist's super-complete note summary of my medical hx, I became even more down. The start of it all - the 2014 events that bled into 2015 - marks the transition between healthy and less-than-healthy. Well to be fair, I'm healthy. I just have some issues. Every year it seems. 

I need to get out of this mental funk, it might take a few days. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. 

I'm not being fair to me and worse I'm not being fair to anyone else around me. I'm no fun to be around and I feel like an imposter. Everyone things I'm something I'm not. I'm not a successful scientist/super athletic/cool parent. I'm an imposter. 

I'm losing control of everything. At least I can keep the house mostly clean. And the dog walked. And myself mostly fed.