2020 Songlist

I didn't really do songs this year. But I have a few: 

Hey Sally by Aranda -- I was looking for the Bring Sally Up song that LA got into my head. He played it for me at the Badger 100K last August. Found this song during the search, and liked it. "Hey Sally, I know just how you feel; You know where you want to go baby but you never want to take the wheel; But you're wasting all your time looking back".

Flowers by Moby -- This is the Bring Sally Up song. I used it for a BSU workout at home music challenge. 

Monster by Skillet -- Because I have to have a Monster song every year? "The secret side of me, I never let you see; I keep it caged but I can't control it; So stay away from me, the beast is ugly; I feel the rage and I just can't hold it".

Air by Snakadaktal -- Another random find. "Don't look for the answer, it's the question you don't know"

Lateralus by TOOL -- Because it's TOOL. "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind; Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must; Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines".

Skin and Bones by Cage the Elephant -- Can't remember how I found this one. "I've been running for so long; all that's left is skin and bones". 

Dynamite by BTS -- Couldn't avoid this one. At the pool, on the radio, loved it. "Life is sweet as honey; Yeah, this beat cha-ching like money". 

Last and First Garmin Summary

This screen capture covers both my last run of 2020 and my first run of 2021. Which year should I put it in? 

2020. Put it in 2020 because I ran today with BE (Jan 5th) and I mentally counted that as my "first" run. Either way, here's a summary of the past weeks since my last update on Dec 22nd.

We tested negative for COVID and all of us (my whole St Louis "family") went north on Thursday after LAs final exam for Christmas. The kids did gingerbread houses at the bakery, we did Eve dinner at my sis's house (Beef Wellington! It was D-lish!), then Christmas day at the parents house. Dinner was in Dad's new shed, with costume hats, Russian Shuba salad and potato cookies, and presents. The kids had to leave Saturday morning while I stayed for Dad's birthday.

Back in St Louis for a few days, then up to Michigan for New Years weekend. Benton Harbor, then Holland (our future home, I liked it but it's hard for me to see that far into the future) (it has TULIPS and old houses!), Ann Arbor, then home via Oglesby. 

I ran 2 miles in Holland on the steam-heated downtown sidewalks, but other than that....no training over the holidays! There was no interest, motivation, or time. I savored the family time instead. 

Summary of 2020? What a year. Started off running again slowly early on, then I got sick in March and didn't run again until May, then ran until October when I gave up because my right leg hurt too much. COVID hit in March and hasn't left. LA got into UMich, I decided to join him, he moved away, moved back partially, and I got the courage to really put my house on the market and leave my job. My sis is becoming a teacher, my parents are retired. But life is great. I've started running (again), cautiously, and swearing up and down I'll do PT this time!

SWIM 26870 yards in 11.5 hours (really that much?) The pools were closed until August
BIKE 634 miles in 45 hours, likely all outdoors. No group rides! This sucked. 
RUN 459 miles in 85.5 hours. Run, sick, run, injured, run.
COMMUTE 518 miles commuting. Didn't commute much this year, due to LA giving me a ride and/or just losing the habit.

For next year, next thing on my list to find the date of the AA Marathon. And keep the H100 in mind!

Back to running, so far so good

Thursday RUN 3.1 in FoPa
Saturday RUN 4 miles in neighborhood
Tuesday RUN 3.5 miles on track with 1 mile of walking
and COMMUTES here and there as I can

I'm back? Wow how many times have I said that in the past 4 years? 

I'm back to running but I haven't started the PT and strength training that I've promised myself I'd do.

And if I want to stay running, I need to do that stuff! I keep making my little lists of things I want to do for "tomorrow", and this needs to be on the list. 

Thursday LA and I ran the 5K with BE. I was supposed to swim afterwards, but there wasn't time. You'll note that there are no swims in my week, boooo. My goal was 2-3 miles, but doing a 5K was LA's idea and it felt great to be running!

Saturday while LA went to get the kids I did a neighborhood run. I was going to go for 4 miles to LP, but around the 0.6 mile mark in Benton Park my right ankle started hurting, like the bones were banging into each other, as if the ankle joint was out of place. No pain while walking, no pain in the first steps of running, then PAIN. I stretched, moved it, thinking it was popped out like it does in the pool -- but I'm not sure what started this and I don't know why in the end it just went away. I re-routed the run to stay closer to the house. This all felt good, but it felt weak and pushed a bit.

Tuesday I left LA behind with the kids and joined BE. I didn't plan on doing 3.5 miles but it felt great, easy, and NO PAIN. 

I don't know if I'll be running over the xmas break, maybe something on Thursday morning before we leave? 

I'm happy to be back, but I'm going to make the same mistakes again if I don't get stronger and do the PT!

Nutrition updates: oxalates, SCD, and more

I need to log the updates on this as they go.

Around November 18th or so, I jumped back on the SCD lifestyle diet. I started off with simple meats and pureed carrots, removed potatoes and kabocha squash and rice. Immediately I'm feeling better, the near-constant gut pain and bloating subside in a few days. 

Except my gut isn't taking the change without some protest, it becomes a case of yucky soft BM's (the puree gelatin?) and all day long urges to poo. Ugh. Off to Alaska with that.

Right before we leave, I'm having cloudy urine again, now it's every morning. Along with the pain, and it went from 1-3 a month, to 1-3 a week, to everyday for a few days. Somethings gotta change!

LA gets thinking, and we read across oxalates. I won't go into the science here, the actual chemistry is murky to me, but the overall summary: oxalates are either soluble or insoluble, the insoluble go with the poo. But the soluble can be absorbed through the gut (I'm not sure it's normal, or a leaky gut thing?), and accumulate in the body: joint pains, etc. Later the soluble gets filtered out by the kidneys where it interacts and tightly binds to calcium and magnesium forming a precipitate. Is this my cloudy pee?

Dr St doesn't think so, but says if I want to try a lower oxalate diet, to go ahead with it.

My research revealed that I eat a pretty high oxalate diet. The worst offenders are chocolate, and I eat LEAST 3-4 tablespoons of cocoa powder everyday! Other daily foods that are high: black tea, beets, raw carrots, walnuts, black olives, and more. Geezuz, my only safe foods here are the meats I eat. 

ETA As of 12-16-20, I'm completely off potatoes and squash. No bloating or pain at all. I'm OK with rice and 1 serve of oats a day. 

I'm also off dairy since....first week of November. No chest swelling and pains, skin less itchy. 

As of Nov 23rd or so, I stopped adding salt to foods. This lead to no ankle swelling at all. 

As for oxalates, no chocolate, potato, 1 black tea, 1 T peanut butter only. Still pains daily in the Ur area but no cloudy since Dec 5th. Now it's just pain.

My energy is crazy better, my gut is flat and not swollen, my joints feel like they are working better. 

Did I figure things out finally?

Honey, I met the kids!

COMMUTE Monday, Tuesday, Weds, Thurs, Sunday

RUN Tuesday at the track, 1.3 miles broken

SWIM Thursday 1300 yards

RUN Friday 2 miles

This run was my FIRST since I paused running in November. BE and I did easy laps, the running was in roughly 2-lap intervals. Total distance was 3.6 miles. I did feel some right hip pain, frontal at flexors, late in the run.

The swim was all I could squeeze in. WU, drills (as per my new plan to include them), then a 100-200-300-200-100 ladder. This was a distracted swim with poor form and focus.

The second run was a continuous to Grand and back, I dropped of the property tax for the truck. Right at 1.95 miles, I felt the tight feeling in the right calf bone again. But after the run, and once I started walking, it all went away. No aftereffects at all. 

This ended up sort of being a week off. Off of training, but on in terms of go-go-go. Does going down a slide 6 times (or more!) a day count? 

I did get some commutes in, in fact, I think I got all days with one of them being half ride day.

Monday evening they arrived, meatloaf for an awkward dinner. They tried the meatloaf, but I think nerves and the newness threw things off a bit.

Tuesday...we went to the park? I went to work. Same Wednesday, and by Thursday I was a Prodigy math game buddy, a regular dog-walker, a playground regular, by the end of the week, we were making initial'd pancakes! 

Oh, and don't forget the FAST trip home for A's 8th birthday party at the bakery. WOW what a week, LA is good to point out that we accomplished all of our goals and more. It sure helped that the kids are polite, smart, and enjoy learning new things. 

WOW!

Post Alaska week, and a 1000 yard TT in 21:39

Thursday SWIM 1500, with 1000 y TT 
Friday COMMUTE

I haven't written in the Alaska week yet, LOTS to say and update on! Later.

I didn't run again Thursday, I promised myself I'd take at least November off, and in my mind this week was included as November. The right leg is SO MUCH better - the peripheral knee pains are gone, most of the hip pain is gone. Remaining are the occasional sit bone-region pain, sometimes bilateral. And remaining is the right calf tightness, as if something is locked up or refuses to stretch. More time. 

Every time I get injured, I think it will never heal. And over time, it does. But in the Alaska week my strength training and PT and flexibility work fell off. Get back on!

Now for the swim! I haven't been to the pool since...Weds before Alaska? This TT was the final workout in the #MakeItWet [awful name, by the way] 1000y Beginner Swim Plan from Speedo. My re-introduction to swimming. I realized later I was probably more Intermediate level. The difference was pace, so I kept going with this one. 

So I had some concerns going into this. First, the plan had me doing only up to 300 yard intervals, how was I supposed to bridge them together without rest? I thought maybe I'd only let myself rest at every 200 or 250 or something. Second, being out of the pool for well over a week, what did that mean for muscular endurance, form, and all else? 

In the end, these seemed to be protective mental tricks -- thought measures created to prevent a feeling of failure or not-good-enough. And in the end, I just started the TT with no plan except to keep it Easy, Steady, and Calm. 

It worked!! I maybe only paused for an extra breath a few times, but I never stopped. I never got out of breath or sloppy. I never winded or felt out of air. I never felt my back and arms starting to burn or fade out. I did have some lower back tightness and subsequent fatigue and light pain the rest of the day, and the next day, but I felt that in the kick sets of the WU, not from the TT effort. 

I nailed it! And the split was perfect, a 500 at 10:46. The overall average pace was a 2:09 min/100y.

I think I'll put this swim into the first week of every month? 

North To Alaska!

 Monday, super early flight to Anchorage through Denver. I was drunk on Dramamine (I'm noting the 'drama' in that name, and the outcome of taking it -- dramatic dizziness and uselessness for me) for all of it, when we landed in both stops I was out of it. But awake enough to note the "commercial sex trafficking, house work, and farm work" trafficking sign in a restroom, which led to a week's worth of jokes. First night in Anchorage. 

Tuesday, He has a exam and a driver's license update. I wait in the hotel and for the first time realize that it's Dark at 8:45am, and I won't see sun until well after 9:30am!! Ugh! He returns, and we make a visit to Mounty Baldy for a partial climb up. We get half mile up, I'm wearing my just-purchased winter boots, he's wearing his heavy camera bag. That afternoon, we drive the 4 or so hours to Homer for a late arrival and a stop at his favorite pizza place.

Wednesday, Walked the beach, pictures of eagles, I collected a few momento rocks (pretty gray with distinct white stripes), walk along the boardwalk, visited a few places, he got eggs benedict at a Duncan Diner, stop at a winery and he tasted wines. What else did we do....? Continued his daily letter writing to the kids :)

Thursday, Thanksgiving! We get up early to catch the sunrise behind a peak we admire from our balcony windows. He identifies a place up on the hill over the water and gets his shots (great ones, I have one as my lock screen!), then we walk along a beach, then back to the hotel. Dinner is later in the day, turns out it was stupid expensive and not worth it for me. $35 for some dry turkey, it was all I can eat. That's a separate paragraph topic for below. I feel awful about the waste of money. 

Friday, we leave Homer, but it's SNOWING. Gorgeous, even-layered, coating sticky snow, but hard to drive in and slowed us down. The rental Jeep Compass wasn't outfitted for this weather, but LA did great with it. We missed our planned stop in Seward for the snow, as he had to be in Anchorage Saturday morning. Overnight in Alyeska Resort, where we did a 4 mile walk in fresh but perfect snow to mail letters. 

Saturday, first day of the concealed carry class, I just sit there. I do oxalate reading, puzzles, duolingo, but in the end I just sit there. And sitting is one of the most painful things on the sit bones. But I keep quiet on it, and get through it. We find Ronnie's 2 for sushi at lunch, and go there again at dinner. Off to Wasilla overnight. I got to see his old house and neighborhood! Stopped at Michael's to buy letter stickers, walked his neighborhood loop twice, and enjoyed a near full moon in the perfect silence. Overnight in Wasilla. 

Sunday, second day of the class, again I get to sit. 7 hours total in the car with only a few stretches and now more pain. But again, I'm OK and just hang in there. Don't wanna complain. The pain is better though! This rest is doing something for it. Overnight in Anchorage at our best hotel yet - a suites hotel with real plates and glasses and silverware. A long walk in snow to hit 10, 000 steps too.

Monday, our last day! We did the full climb of Baldy today, 1100 ft elevation gain in just over a mile. I had moments where my heart was pounding crazy in my ears, brief moments of fear about it, but then denial kicked back in and I realize that I hear it pounding because it's so damned quiet and peaceful. The climb was tough, but never hurt the leg and hip, to my complete surprise. The top was worth the effort, and I got to slide down part of it, yay! Check out of hotel, drop off concealed carry papers, visit the bank, More sushi at Ronnies 2, the next day Anchorage shuts down dine-in, so we got lucky. Then nothing to do, until the flight out at 11:40pm. Hung around airport, wrote letters, paced to 10,000 steps, then board. We flew to Denver overnight, terribly uncomfortable for my back and hip, but Dramamine to the rescue. Delays in Denver, the home to StL around 1-2pm. Get the dog, get some Russian groceries, and home to rest. Whew!

Alaska was beautiful! I love it, I'd go back for the quiet. It's not as cold as you think it would be, but it's still cold. I guess expect the worst and be either right or pleasantly surprised. The sun up/down schedule of 10 am to 3 pm is killer, even if the summers are over-abundant in sunshine. 

This was my first flight and major travel since I went to California in 2014 to see Bill and Jeff. We drove to NC for B2B in 2014, again to NC area in 2019, so the idea of traveling to Alaska had me on edge for a few weeks. The usual questions and concerns for me -- I don't have travel experience, so how to I get to the airport, buy tickets, where do I go, how this and how that. But LA took care of most all of that, I was able to just relax and learn as we go. So a Success!!

Also -- my concern about what to eat, because that's a Huge limiter for me! More on that in the Oxalates post. See next. 

Running is on hold for now

I am hoping these numbers don't change much, in that my resting HR, sleep, stress, and etc stay at a good level. When I quit running, I expect I'll turn to goo in a week. While this should give me plenty of extra time to do PT, strength, and flexibility -- we'll see! But that's a good idea for when I re-write the training schedule for December: Change the run times to pre-hab times.

Off to Alaska next! And a full week off with just rest. And sadly a lot of sitting, but make the best of it. 

Now go charge your phone. 

Implementations & Intentions

BIKE 19.8 miles (ugh) in 1:20: 18:12, 18:04; 17:14!
COMMUTE 9.2 miles

I coulda SWORE the garmin said 20.42 miles when I stopped it. This is likely our last ride of the year and we pushed the last interval. I said I was going to measure only for fun, and to see that we come back next spring with similar interval times. 

Nice and warm outside, but cold and rain move in tonight. I don't get to run tomorrow. I can't put into words how this feels. On one hand, it was hurting to run and it was stressy to hurt and always be wondering what was wrong. On the other hand, I loved it and miss it and crave it. 

As a follow up to yesterday's lengthy post - here's some notes and news. Last night I fell into Azuc again, almost purposefully? But not a single bit of M. Win and Lose. The Azuc was to be my "treat" if I hit goals for M3. Hit the goals, and homed in on the treat so fast. So that tells me, the treat should be delayed or accumulated to another day. Ugh. Fail again. Feels miserable. It wasn't too much, it was How. 

I worked out some habit bundles or whatever they're called:

If I walk first, I get to play my favorite puzzle while tea brews before M3.
I get to watch YT videos while doing PT, foam rolling, etc.
For every chore, I get to check a reddit or news site. 
If I can get 5 "ideal M3" in a week, I get some weekend treat.
     I might change this to just accumulate 5 to get started
If I can get 5 less then 14-er days, I get some weekend treat.

These treats are as of yet undefined. Last night I found Azu doesn't work. 

Stupid way to do this. But let's see.

Today LA asked about going to sushi, and I waited a few minutes to reply. I weighed the options. Today, by the time I get home, walk dog, shower off the mice smell, get my dinner, drive 30 mins to St Chuck...it's late for me. Tomorrow, we can plan ahead. So tomorrow! Hey, maybe nailing the next 24 hours can include a treat there?

Hugs, Ginger, and Perspective -- 1 year later

COMMUTE 9.2 miles. 
Maybe a swim. Don't have a lane yet. 

I'm alone at work today, terribly distracted, and unmotivated. My coworker went out to enjoy the weather, and LA is with his kids. So I get my quiet. Well, truth be told, I'm motivated by just about anything else besides reading this paper on AAV vectors and HSV latency. It's not the topic I'm not motivated by, I'm just not motivated.

My head is swirling full of lost thoughts. Let's try to dump some here, and see what happens.  

Last night I had goals of waiting for my 4 hr meal interval alarm by walking the dog and doing a 'power hour' of chores, in order to catch up. I failed, I walked in the door not-hungry and proceeded to have a standing meal at the stove. I didn't eat too much, I didn't eat bad food, but I didn't follow my goal of having a waited-for, relaxed meal. I did my chores, I did walk the dog, but yet I still ended up feeling stressed out (over...??) and finding the Azuc. It wasn't too much (well, anything over zero is really too much, right?) and it wasn't M, but it was another goal broken. To my credit, I did get 10 minutes each of foam rolling, upper strength, PT, and dog time in before going to bed. Late to bed, distracted and unmotivated. 

I wake up this morning unable to run, and decided to have another hour of catching up on the house chores (my goal is to have the chores for next week done before going to Alaska). I broke my goal of nothing-until-after-tea by breaking the goal of wait-on-the-persimmon. But I did sit down to eat and relax (happy tummy). Dog walk slow with Duolingo, but dog wasn't happy about it, so that made me a bit guilty - I could have left her at home while I walk. But then I come home and break my goal of not having a second breakfast (makes an unhappy stomach) with Blerch at the ctop. I hit the goal of biking to work. Once at work, I break the goal of being productive. But I keep the goal of Move! when the watch says to. Break the goal of waiting my 4hrs. Reset the 4hrs. And here I am now. 

I put these goals in as a way to keep my on track. On time so I don't roll into work late. On goal so I don't upset my stomach by being random, off-template, hurried, or overfilled. 

I win some, lose some. But I lose too many. 

Some real wins have happened in the past year -- B is gone - 539 days. M is at 35 days with a few days of oh-so-close almost-fails (or maybe I did fail and I deny it). Many of the foods that directly conflict with my stomach and goals no longer appeal to me - like coffee creamer (they had butterscotch flavor!), coffee, sweet chocolate, candies. In the past few months, I've realized that dairy bothers me, not the lactose it seems either. So I've quit dairy. Again. I nibbled some while at home over Halloween and my breasts swelled up and hurt -- the dairy? I dunno, but I gotta avoid dairy at least until they swell and hurt in the absence of it, to finish the test. Now lately since I stopped running, I've gone back to the SCD goals of no potatoes, no kabocha squash, no grains or rice, until my stomach quits hurting so much. Besides, less running means less energy, means less carbs. 

So for this mark the box for WIN. I quit B. I'm quitting M. I quit foods bad for me, up and down the list of bad-SCD and bad-FODMAP.

But I keep losing too. I still get anxiety with a schedule disruption. I'm anxious if I eat a food that I think will react badly with me, or if I eat too much and fear the burp-up bloating feeling I hate. I'm stressed that I can't run, because I'm injured Again (there's a cause for depression right there). I don't like that my body feels week and out of shape. 

I'm reading through Dave Goggins book (the Navy SEAL ultrarunner) and now that is a voice added into my head. It tells me the same things as some of the others  - to HTFU, to stop the victim mentality, to take personal responsibility. Jordan B Peterson, Jocko, Tom ProYou, all other voices of similar sound. 

But Goggins started off with Mission #1 (as he calls it) and I'm hung up there. To paraphrase:  Make a list of what is challenging you. What problems and limitations do you encounter? What excuses are you making? What is your bad hand?

Well this gets my thinking. I don't have a bad hand, so to speak. I grew up in a perfect house in a perfect world with all the love and support and opportunities. I still have all that. I don't really have problems, in that I have a house and a car and a dog and a 'husband' and a job and great friends and for the most part I have my health. No abuse. No discrimination. No tragedies. No real hardships. 

So that left me realizing that my limiter is ME. I'm limiting myself. And when I think this through, really think it through like Goggins says to, it hurts a little. And it uncovered a few things.

I think back over the ... 23? years of M. That's a guess, I think 1995 or 96? 24 years? with M. That mental monster who comes and goes. Half my life. And I can think back to the first times I met M and all the times I can think of since (long list) and just how many times M exposed himself to those around me. Right fucking there, right in front sometimes, mortifyingly close. Yet never once was he discovered. Or was he? And I think, how is it no one noticed this stress I was under? How is it, no one said anything? How did we get away with it? We couldn't have. Just couldn't. Impossible. 

So I wonder, did someone know and not say anything to help me? Dear God, someone had to have seen it. And yet not a word. And my Victim Card pops up -- they noticed, but didn't care enough to say. Or, they didn't care enough to notice. 

OMFG. My mind went there. And put this on other people. It was a brief moment only that lasted a few short minutes. But it still hurt to think. 

After that realization, I homed in one me. And asked -- what are my excuses? And the progress ends there. I'm stuck a bit. But I did finish Mission #1, I wrote down my limiters and here they are: I give up on my goals. I tell myself to start/stop and then I don't. I don't listen to my good voices. I think tomorrow will be different. I think the moon has magic. I don't tell myself "no", or I do and don't listen. I DON'T HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE. 

Last night was a great example of this, and I wrote this list before last night, so it's not like I didn't know this already. I came home and ate a poor dinner instead of hitting goals. I got stuck in Azu after promising I wouldn't. Failing the first one, led to the other, in sort of a fail-chain. 

I don't hold myself accountable. I have my bullet journal with my boxes and check lists, my apps and apps with boxes and checklists. I count myself, but don't hold myself accountable. 

So in thinking about this, I wonder - do I need some reward or cookie for doing my goals? What if after 10 times of hitting a goal, I get something I want. (like....?? haha, remember the Lara bars for swimming?!). 

Seriously though, I can identify things I'm unhappy with and ways to remedy the unhappiness, but I don't Stick To It, then I feel like a failure and I get more things I'm unhappy about. 

To bring this full circle, and connect it to the post title. One year ago I was writing about how I was unhappy with my life and my health and my body. Here I am again with some of the same issues. 

In detail again, what am I unhappy about? See above...copy pasta.

 I still get anxiety with a schedule disruption. Defined by example: if LA suggests doing something not on "my" schedule, it feels like a disruption. I get stuck in a "how can I make him happy and me happy too" or in a "my schedule is here to calm me and I can't change it" or in a "why didn't you mention this earlier so I could plan it". Control freak. It sounds silly, but the times that I roll with the change I'm proud of myself, like "I did this!" when really it's what most other humans can normally do. 

What can I do about this? Just take a 30 seconds breath to think about what the change does or doesn't mean. Stop and evaluate where the anxiety comes from. Is it really a cause for stress? Does LA wanting to go camping this weekend or go out for sushi really mean stress? Well, sitting here typing, it doesn't. But in the moment, it's like a stomach turn. Like a, "how could he think this?". If we go out for dinner at 7pm at night, it means I don't get chores done, I might have to eat in a hurry before we leave and then I just get to watch someone else eat, then I get home late. Anxiety recipe! Camping some weekend --what about the dog? What about the weather? What will I bring to eat? Where is the campground, public or private? Bathrooms? Shower? Anxiety. 

-->So specifically, in the moment, I need to answer "yeah, let's see what we can do" as a way to buy time. Use the time to really map out what the changes would mean if acted on. Is it really that bad to go out for sushi? Is it really that annoying to be out late, to spend time with him? 

I'm anxious if I eat a food that I think will react badly with me, or if I eat too much and fear the burp-up bloating feeling I hate. Ugh this issue is constant. It's why I have the 4 hour interval goal, and the walk-the-dog-first goal, and the one-bowl of fruit rule. It's a simple as, if I eat in a hurry or random, or if I eat too much, I feel like I'm going to burp it all back up. I never do, it's just a feeling. And the stress of eating something that 'I'm not supposed to eat', say rice with sushi, causes the same thing as eating stressed is like eating hurried. I bloat up, maybe I swallow air or don't chew the food or just plain eat too much. 

What can I do about this? JFC, these goals are already in place. Goals of relax, drink some water, meditate first, sit down with a plate, don't use the phone, wait until you're hungry and calm -- already there. Why are they hard to follow? Too many rules? They kinda fail-chain, kinda, in that if I miss the top of the list (like yesterday's walking the dog first to calm down and wait until hungry) means that if I don't say on course it's like I'm guaranteed to fall off. But not guaranteed to fall into Azu, ugh. 

What can I do about this? I've tried writing a little script of how things should go. More boxes to check, just what I need. That's just more anxiety. And I think that's the real issue here. I feel anxious. A nice salty piece of chicken to munch is better than going out in the cold, and I can just escape a bit with a dopamine hit from a stupid piece of chicken (using last night as an example).

-->I need to recognize the WHY I'm doing the goals, and not just follow or fail the goals. Stop and take a moment to evaluate where the anxiety comes from. Get a dopa hit somewhere else, like LA or the dog, or even Blerch. But just pause for a moment before acting. 

I'm stressed that I can't run, because I'm injured Again. This is a 2-fer deal. I can't run to relieve stress. And I'm faced with the fact that I'm injured again. I wake up on a day like today and think "I'm supposed to be running Forest Park". I miss Tuesday's run on the track. I miss my trail runs on a great weekend. Instead I get pain when I walk or bend over and stretch the hamstring. I get the uncertainty of wondering how long to wait, whether I should get a professional evaluation, whether my foam rolling and strength training is enough. Questions like that, drive the stress that makes anxious, and anxious leads to stomach upset, and points #1 and #2 above get connected to this.  

What can I do about this? What I already am. Foam rolling. PT. Stretching. Sit less (prolonged sitting is a risk factor, and I noticed the pains while driving to AA too) and stretch the back. Keep biking and swimming, only the run has to wait. 

--> Keep on plan, this one going OK as long as you don't get anxiety about never being able to run again, or feeling like you're "behind" on your training plan.

I don't like that my body feels week and out of shape. This one is a consequence of all the above too. Anxiety from not being able to run, feeling out of control with life, being unable to accommodate and mesh my schedules, being injured again. not being able to eat foods I want to eat and getting sick on foods I shouldn't be eating. I don't like how I can't pick up heavy objects like before. I don't like how my jeans fit. I don't like that my back has lost the swim muscles from years ago. I don't like that I can't bound up stairs. 

You'll note that I'm not mentioning the health factors. As stated previously, I've stopped taking my meds and I've unsubscribed from the diagnoses I was given. BTW -- my mind doing much better after having done that. 

I'm not limited by my health, I'm limited by the fact that I skip PT all summer and skip regular strength training, I slouch at a desk and have bad posture. 

What can I do about this? This might be the easiest one to fix, keep doing the PT and the strength training, but don't stop at 10 minutes and make it a more lifestyle change. Just be the type of person who does resistance training and not just because a box needs to be checked. 

--> Find a program, or plan that you like (or have to pay for!) and stick it out. Get measured. Get serious. 

Does that cover everything? It doesn't mention the changes I'm already in progress. I'm trying to be less argumentative, I didn't see it that way but he did, and what he said was fair. So I self-check. I'm trying to be less chore-slave, and let chores go until I have an hour or a weekend to batch them. I'm avoiding the news and politics, those conversations never seem to go well. 

Geez did I just type all that? Thanks Goggins! Can I sit down now?

Mission #2: Accountability Mirror: put insecurities, dreams and goals on post-it notes and stick them to your mirror. Remind yourself of your mission every morning. Hold yourself accountable for the small steps it will take to get there. I feel kinda silly on this one, having LA living with me I'd have to explain myself. But write them out anyway, see what happens. (hopefully not another super long post!)

Mission #3: preview. Get outside your comfort zone. Everyday. 

Warm weather, only biking it seems

Tuesday COMMUTE and SWIM 1300y
Wednesday BIKE 13.7 miles and COMMUTE

I miss running, and that's about all I want to say. 

But I'll keep going a bit, and brain dump a bit. I'm committing to commuting on these nice days, I sometimes drive the truck on the off-chance that I'll get a lane at the pool. It's good in that I get a lot of walking steps in, but really I should be biking. Odd that I don't want to bike? It's not that I don't want to, it's more that I'm trying to not feel depressed right now. 

I found a flat rear tire on Puppy as I was leaving work on Tuesday, it held up after re-inflation at work enough to get me home. I went for a swim, got home late, got myself in trouble with LA for getting home late (left 5:45, swim 6:10-6:45, leave to $ store and Aldi and SAL, home 8!), some stress there. We replaced the tube in the flatted tire (much faster with his hands!) and it held pressure overnight.

Then I get up early to bike, right after being out late to swim. It was "only" two intervals, I tell myself. I get home and work towards being a good wife. Not the good kind, like before, but just a good wife. 

Wonderful weather this week, and I can't run. I see runners everywhere, and hate that they can run and I can't. What do I keep doing wrong that everyone else gets so right?

Puppy doesn't squeak or creak!

 BIKE 20 miles in TGP, 3 intervals

Met up with BE for will likely be our last week of riding TGP this year. The forecast was for 34F at 6:30am, it sure didn't feel that cold. I was happily overdressed, unless you ask my fingers and toes. They might disagree.

All of the beauty from fall colors of TGP last week is gone. We had wind and rain over the weekend, most all leaves are downed and now it's what I call really November. Browns and oranges and dead-looking trees. 

While Puppy was at BS for the lever repair, I got new bar tape (didn't like what SOs mechanic put on 2 years ago), a tune-up, and a bottom bracket overhaul. I reported a "creak" in the BB that my mechanical and care skills couldn't alleviate. 

I'm super happy to say, it's fixed! Along with the half-shifting bull shit I was dealing with! Yay for Puppy!

Great ride, great conversation, a slight bit faster than last few weeks. Maybe because by bottom bracket was overhauled.

And speaking of bottom brackets, my hip. I did full rest this weekend. Just walking and some mild stretch and strength. Just movement. I can feel the quads and hammies tightening up and I feel the urge to foam roll and stretch. The muscles and soft tissues in the actual hip and pelvic region feel tight and uncomfortable. So I've got that to focus on -- get the hip loose -- because simple movements shouldn't feel tight!

And the bones of the right calf still feel awful. I know this isn't what it really is, but it feels like they are about to break. They ache and hurt and feel pulled on. But the actual knee pains, or the pain surrounding the knee to be more accurate, seems to be better. 

Can't Hurt Me

Good book to read while I'm hurt.  /s

Mission #1 - What are the current factors liming your success? 

This was an interesting one to think on, took a few days and came to a few sad realizations. 

I'm limiting me. No one else. Just me. 

I wrote down repeatedly that I'm amazed that no one noticed. From this I concluded that either they don't care enough to say, or they don't care enough to notice. 

So to summarize, in a challenge meant to get me out of victimhood, I identified myself as a victim. 

<Insert a big eyeroll right here>.

Well. Got work to do.

I'm am my only limiter. And I'm damned good at it, it seems. 

I skipped the Thursday run, and all running this weekend

UGH 
COMMUTE 9.23 miles

In the end, BE and EW didn't run either so I guess I didn't miss anything. 

On a positive note, I finally commuted to work. On a negative note, the right brake/shift lever broke at the pedestrian bridge over I-64. On a positive note, I was able to keep riding thankfully such a short distance without rear brake or shift control. On a negative note, it's costly to get this shit fixed. On a positive note, BS was able to get the bike in Friday, finished it on Friday, and found a used $30 replacement lever for me! So I'll have Puppy back for the Monday ride. 

Talked to LA about potential injury

 SWIM? will eta, I'm signed up at 5pm. 

Woke up this morning knowing I shouldn't run. This is a rest week, it's only a 2-3 mile day, and I won't directly benefit from a 2 mile run. My mind will benefit in the moment, the dopamine hit or whatever it is will help, but then the lingering issue will still be there.

It finally came out this morning, and I let go of the guilt of hiding it from him. I also let go of the guilt of denying my heart issues, I tried explaining that I can honestly belief both that I had the HA and that I didn't have the HA at the same time, and be equally convinced of both truths. That was another source of stress. I don't want to the "always injured" type and be constantly having issues. I see how that goes with family, and I don't want us to model that stress. I don't want to be ignoring a potential injury I could fix, and at the same time I deny that I have an injury. 

I don't know if I'm injured. Or if I just need a few days. Or if there's another stress fracture. Or a high hamstring tear (that's what I feel when I sit or stretch the leg as if I'm sitting - a high hamstring and mid-hamstring "something"). It's like a sore spot or a bruise. 

When I stand up from sitting, it's in the knee, like the knee doesn't want to straighten out. It can be uncomfortable to move the knee while flexing it, but mostly I feel it walking or running. 

Randomly, my foot at the heel and near the arch will have a sharp pain, like a stress fracture or break. But I don't think these are stress fractures. But I've thought that before (x-ref fall of 2019).

I'm trying to get more specific on the description. In the meantime, what is actionable, as LA would say?
1. Rest, just see what a few days can do. Stretch, foam roll, and minimize activity
2. Learn to describe the issues specifically
3. Don't Panic
4. Get healthy otherwise, food and sleep, to maximize recovery and not fall behind. 
5. Scroll back and see how long this has been going on?

In the meantime, don't panic, and think of all the benefits? Can sleep in. Get the house ready to sell. Ugh. 
1. Could get gut calmed down on SCD or low carb (it's unhappy from long-term stress)

Last warm Tuesday run, and last run until I heal?

 RUN 3 miles with BE 

I am distracted with the injury topic, and can't formulate good posts here. Try. 

LA said he didn't want to run with us this morning, but then decided he did at 5:40am. So we were a bit late to the track, not much, but enough that I'm "late". Stress. LA walks and does some class work while BE and I do easy laps with some drills. My leg is hurting. Stress! 

In running it's in the knee, like an ache in the top of the calf bones. It's enough today that I can't easily ignore it, but I keep going anyway and don't mention it to anyone. 

BE's calf twinges about 1.5 miles in, we walk a bit, then he calls it off to rest for the race he hopes to run this weekend -- Abe's Trail Trek. A real race!

I keep going, of course, wearing just my tank top and shorts. LA took a picture, it's a great picture and I should include it here, but I hate it. I look and feel awful in it. Poor form, poor stride, poor musculature. I don't even recognize it. Stress. 

We get home and continue a discussion on disparities in medicine. Stress. The discussion doesn't go great, I get defensive (he says argumentative, he's right, but from my perspective I feel like I'm defending something - if I only knew what it was) but the defensiveness is just me being stressed. 

LA has no idea about my leg hurting. I'm ignoring it as much as I can. But the denial is taking a toll on me mentally. 

I didn't commute because of incoming weather. Good thing, it was dark and rainy when I left!

The last warm Monday ride?

 BIKE 20 miles in about 90 minutes
COMMUTE 9.2 miles (finally!)

This might be the last of the unseasonably warm weather, tomorrow a front moves through and it's supposed to cool off. Boo. 

Today's ride might be the most beautiful I've ever seen TGP! EW and her hubs joined us for 1.5 loops (EW missed a turn, then they had to leave early) so it wasn't our usual 3-interval ride. BE also had to leave early, and I did the last miles on my own.

How was my leg, discussed yesterday? OK, it's not bad on the bike but I do notice it at the knee. 

My first 26 mile week, but at what cost?

Sadly no commuting at all. The most BEAUTIFUL November week I might ever see, and yet no commute. In order to swim at 5 or 6 pm, I can't bike to work and get everywhere on time.

So note also the 3300 yard swimming! 3 days swimming - Tues, Weds, Thurs. I cancelled my Sunday swim at WH because LA is here. :)

This added up to I think 8-9 hours of training. I feel great, mildly but druggedly tired, I love the getting up early and the structure again. But.

But.

I've been avoiding this, as if typing it will make it more or less real. I have something going on with my right leg. It's a moving pain, here and there then here again, so I've been observing. Here's the summary.

I can feel a high hamstring pull/tight/pain, mild and mostly when I'm stretching. This is the "butt crease" pain I've mentioned here recently.

I can occasionally feel sit bone pain, bilateral, I really think that's a hold-over from the bad bike seats, a problem that's fixed.

When I do heel kicks, I can feel my right hamstring is snappish and tight. 

But here's the really pains - my right knee. For the past weeks, it's had an odd feeling like my leg is longer than the left, and/or that it's overextending, and/or that it's not "solid" in terms of the soft connective tissues. The pain and discomfort are on the sides of the knees, towards the back, maybe where the hamstrings connect? I could look that up. 

This went on for a while, then the front of my knee started aching, almost like a stress fracture type of pain but dull. OK so I have knee anatomy pulled up. The hamstrings do connect to under the knee at the fibia. This might be why I feel that discomfort in the calf - because now the calf muscles and down into the achilles starts to get pained. 

Also here, it's not the knee itself that hurts, but everything around it. So it seems. Like the back of my knee, where the tibia is at the front of the knee, down into the calf at the....gotta figure that one out. 

So let's get more specific on this -- to describe it and plan it. This is stressing me out. And there's this huge rain cloud rolling in and I have a long walk to the truck in Fo Pa! On the walk I can think about what hurts. Ugh. 

Lost Valley run

RUN 10.5 miles (0.4 miles walked) on Lost Valley, 2hrs 7 minutes

WOW a trail run!! I was stressed most of the morning -- this was going to be LA and 1st weekend apart -- and I was mentally a mess. Trying to distract myself, Azu and M were looking over my shoulder, and I was sick the day before with gut pains (from stress). I got a late start, but a start nontheless.

My first surprise of the day was pulling into the parking lot for the visitor's center and thinking I had the wrong turn because there was a WHOLE NEW BUILDING at the entrance!? WTF? When did that appear? Has it been THAT long? That made me kinda sad. 

The goal was to find 10 miles, either out n back or a loop using the Hamburg. Since this was my first trail run since .... July of last year?...see above paragraph...I wanted to be sure I didn't come out here and bang up the joints and connectives in a bid to see some trees.

I haven't mentioned yet -- this was a PERFECT morning for weather! I was in a t-shirt and shorts, sunshine and dry and little wind. Unseasonably wonderful. So there were many others out on the trail, hikers and bikers (the latter of which seemed to forget that "on your left" is an expected phrase!). 

Out to Hamburg, down the hill, walk up the next hill and running until I find the right-turn to the trail I was coming up on 3 miles and was certain I'd missed that turn, when I found it. Mental note on the distance! I I though I'd just see how this goes, and also thought the creek bed along the road was maybe 5 miles out. But I knew by now that wasn't right, it had to be 8 or 10? I know I did this out n back run  last year. Has it really been that long!?

I'm going along, loving it, feeling the rocks hit my feet but not hurting, feeling the mild stresses on my hips and knees but not in a bad way. But I know I gotta turn around soon, no way I'll make it to the creek bed. I decide to run to the collapsed bridge, and to my surprise - that's 5 miles! Mental note that too.

I pause, snap a few photos, send one to TV and one to LA (who is on his way here!! That totally changed my outlook on the weekend!) and turned it around. The way back to the road felt much longer than 2 miles, and the road back felt longer than 3 miles. A sign that I'm still building. A good reminder too, because at one point I was thinking "if 10 can feel this fun, I'm so CLOSE to 20, amiright?!) NO!!

Only two loops today

 BIKE 14 miles in 60 mins, two loops of TGP

BE suggested two loops today, and I agreed. I debated coming early or staying late to do a third, but I'm planning to run "long" tomorrow and I'd rather put my focus there. 

Perfect morning in TGP - the yellow leaves are spectacular over the black tree trunks, with a blue sky dawning overhead. Yesterday, EW called the sunrise a Runner's Reward. Today, it's Rider's Reward.

I'm a little frustrated that in the 3-4 months of riding, I don't feel like I've made many gains in strength or endurance, as measured by the perceived effort of this ride. What is causing that? I'm that out of shape? Something else? Same goes for my running, I need to be patient. 

Tomorrow, I'm thinking Lost Valley! I need only 10 miles (then four on Sunday) and LV is more like 13 miles. I'm definitely doing a run/walk, maybe I'll walk the hills and still get "10".

This is the first weekend I won't be seeing LA. I'm doing my best to stay fully distracted. 

An easy run with EW, and a swim

RUN 4.5 miles in about 53 mins
SWIM 1200 yards in 32 mins, 2x300 in 6:18

BE bowed out again for the calf, so it's just me and EW today. IT is still out with his family in Ballwin, tending to his father. The sun was almost up, and it so warm still!! To think I almost thought I wanted a jacket for this run!

In the first mile, I told EW about going to AK for thanksgiving, and shared some other news about life. She's so sweet, she prayed for me at the end of the first mile. I used to think of praying as a begging of sorts, at least that's how I experienced it. But her praying is a conversation, like a call to focus on good things and a clear path and having a tailwind, so to speak. 

The next miles, I learned more about her. Her hub's family and thanskgiving, his family's trials and tribulations and separations and more. In the last miles, I learned that the last 7 years of her job has been full of trial and tribulations! I had no idea, she felt so pushed to leave and how she hung on with tenacity and grit. I know she can speak her mind, but I was impressed to hear how she described her standing up for herself and how she's navigating this problem. Impressed!! And I was just saying how sweet she is!! I love it!

-----

The swim is my third in a row! Now I don't swim again until the WH pool on Sunday. I'm only 3 swims away from finishing the beginner level 1000K plan - which means I get to do a 1000 TT next week. Oh boy! I'm already planning ways to limit myself - do I take a break at 200, 250, 300? I mean just a breather, not really a break, just 10 seconds to breath at the wall. Oh just try it!

I thought I'd be sore and fatigued for this, but I'm holding up great. Earlier after the run I could feel some back fatigue, but it didn't show in the swim. I'm still a sloppy swimmer, still struggle to squeeze in drills, but I'm doing it!

The next plan I'm starting begins at 1600 yards and builds to 3000 yards in 8 weeks. I set up a few "ramp" workouts to bridge me up to 1600 from 1200. And these include drills as a regular routine. This 1000 yard plan lacked that type of specificity. 

My kind of TriFecta

BIKE 20 miles in 90 mins, TGP
RUN 3 miles in 33 mins, FoPa
SWIM 1100 yards in 30 mins, YMCA (haha)

BE and I rescheduled our Monday ride to today since I was still at home with LA. With the warm weather and the time change, this was a great ride. My energy still a bit flat, what's up with that? EW and her hubs were going to join, but decided to ride local instead. Great ride, we talked about everything but yesterday's elections!

The run was supposed to be 2.5 miles, my plan to get the midweek goal of 12 miles by doing a 5+2.5+4.5 sequence. Again it was a 3pm run. I turned around at 1.35 and thought on the way back I could take a shorter route. But once I got on the gravel and bridge section I enjoy and the lap counter beeped, I had a mental moment of "gosh, I'm 1 mile from the lab building? I can't cut it short!". So I take the gravel path west of the lake instead of the paved path that curves up east of the late. As I'm running south on Clayton along the lake, I realize my error that I only needed another 0.5 miles, not another full mile. Ooops.

The swim - again I was about 15 mins late but this time I wasn't in as much of a hurry. My right leg and both feet are fatigued and I can feel it in the push-off and kick sets. Injured? Or fatiged? Denial counts them as the same. I did 3x200 in 4:07 or so each. Just think back to August when I started this Beginner 3 Months to 1000K plan - I was barely doing 100s! 

Whew, what a day! I'm so behind on home life though. But I made a point upon getting home to walk the dog and mediate before sitting down to dinner. Those little movements really help me relax.

Again, no commute so I could get to the pool. Feels like I'm sinning against this unseasonably warm weather. 

Late day workouts

 RUN 5.25 miles in about 53 mins, Fo Pa from work
SWIM 1000 yards in about 28 mins, after work

BE's calf is still hurting from last Tuesday's track run, so he bowed out for today. With the flexibility of being able to run anytime during the day, but the limitation of swimming to only when I can get a lane before or after work, I opted to run over lunch and swim when I can. 

Unfortunately, there were 6 6am lane cancellations that came in too late for me to act on. I didn't get a lane until 5pm, and I hoped for a 6pm but no luck there.

The run was later in the day, I think 3pm, and I was happy again to run somewhere besides my usual out n back. I did an easy loop to the VC to the memorial gardens area (where LA and I walked on that little bridge near the Jewel Box a year ago) then back to lab. All felt good, my right leg is uncomfortable, but since I'm in denial about it I won't talk about it yet.

Once I got back to lab, I almost had to leave right away for the swim. I arrive to the deck 15 mins late, and rush rush through my 1000 yard set. It sounds small, it is small, but I'm swimming back-to-back-to-back lately when I can. And I'm thinking the Endurance Nation viewpoint of Frequency over Volume is good for me now - to focus on form and being fresh for each swim. I did 4x100 in 1:57 each!

No commute?! It's absolutely GORGEOUS outside and unseasonably warm, and I'm not biking? It's hard to get to a 5pm swim from work when I have to bike home then drive to the pool. And my energy isn't up for it for some reason. And my leg, gotta let it rest while I'm in denial, right? 

Weekend at home with family and LA, Blue Moon!

SWIM 1100y or so, Friday
RUN 4.5 miles or so, Saturday
RUN 4.5 miles or so, Sunday
REST! Monday

I'm liking my 'new-found' way to keep extra lines from creeping into my posts. I'm tempted to go back in time and edit some previous posts, to possibly reduce printed pages come the end of the year blog-print. Not that tempted, but still.

Friday I swim in the morning before going to work, and before leaving to drive home in the afternoon. My stress levels are much better at work, having told all coworkers of my future plans. Now to tell them about the rest of the story!

Saturday we helped Mom put up an arch for a wedding event, then the rest of the morning into early afternoon just busy-here busy-there. Buy apple cider, fill propane tanks, to bakery to meet up with Donna, visit gramma, home....all the while my anxiety about running is building. Will I get to run?! LA got in 3 miles in the morning, I fixed breakfast, now when for me? I decide to run at 4:30pm, and LA wants to go, but he's not ready yet. I suggest the canal path to get us out of the wind. It's late, I'm waiting for him, this anxiety is building - this urge to check this box. Did I want to check the box, or run?  I had 10 miles in my training plan, and I recognized my limiter of all-or-nothing, and pushed to get *something*, even if not a full 10 miles. 

We get to the path at 5:15 with sunset coming at 6:02, so we gotta go. I think this is his first canal path run? He's already tired, but pushes through the first two miles. I point out features of the path as a distraction to keep us going. After two miles, we start a run/walk. At about 2.3 miles, at Split Rock, we turn back. the anxiety to run is now replaced with an anxiety about getting home. It's getting dark and the kids are doing trick or treating. But we're running late, figuratively and literally. We hit the parking lot at 4.85 miles, I round up (of course!), and  head home. We missed trick or treating :( 

The next day, a cold front had moved through with high winds and temps down to 35-40. Last night was 60F! Ugh, November. We go back to the canal path, again to avoid the winds. This time, LA is more tired and his knee is hurting. But it's almost the same run - two miles run straight through, turn just after Split Rock, and back to Utica. Almost the same run, time and distance and pace. LA did 13.1 miles this weekend!! I hope this doesn't injure him.

There is a point in both of these runs, while talking to him and hearing some of his frustrations, that I remind myself of Alister's phrase to Tom: you have to stop eating sugar before you can tell someone else to stop eating sugar. I'm thinking of this figuratively. I know what I mean. 

So both runs were a run walk, I kinda kept track of the intervals, and trimmed out half mile from each of what I thought was the walking for my part. I pushed for a slow jog instead of a walk, and on Sunday pushed for brief walks in between slow running. This push was both to keep our efforts up and to keep us warm in the cold wind. 
-----
And the MOON! On the drive home Friday night it lifted over the horizon as I turned northeast towards Bloomington. All that night, it was a beautiful sight. Silver, pure, and bright enough to light the farm's yard as we walked to the travel trailer.

Saturday night it was obscured by clouds, but Sunday it was back. Again a heavy but weightless disk in the sky. Sunday night it rose up in an orange glow, and overnight it again it remained bright enough to light the yard during walks and overnight bio-breaks. 
-----
Great visit with my family, it always feels so comfortable and so close, then so far away when I leave. LA is stressed while I'm on an upswing after clearing up my clog of thoughts at work. 

I have goals for November, it's hard to start them while traveling. But I'm now a full 2 weeks plus with out the M! And I need to get Azu out the door.
-----
This was a good week! I didn't commute at all I think?! This is the last week before the time change. Next I'll be biking home in the dark -- BOO. 

October Blue Moon

Great picture LA!

It's November! A time change. An election. Back to STL and work on Monday. And goals. 

I drove back to STL on Monday, had a work meeting, and definitely noticed a few things right away. First, my stress at work is better for now. Second, I'm behind at work, on both getting stuff done and on mentally understanding our projects. I need to buckle down on that.

I came home to AZ and PB2, after thinking I wouldn't. It only feeds the dragon. I did that, then a walk, then a Power Hour of chores. Then more AZ PB2. Ugh. All new goals for November failed tonight. But no M at all - 18 days.

I feel a little out of order, like things are distracted, I need a firmer schedule sometimes. Knowing that BE can't run Tuesday (calf injury maybe), I suddenly realize I can run later in the day and swim in the morning. This flexibility does me more harm than good! I need the borders! 

Thursday run to LP

 RUN 4.5 miles in 46 mins, to LP

OK this felt much faster than 46 minutes. Where did I lose time? Looks like I was slower the first two miles and picked up the pace as I got to LP. Ugh. 

We all agreed to cancel the Thursday run today because of rain. All night, all morning, rain. In the end, it wasn't raining all that much at 6am, but I used the opportunity to sleep in so it really didn't matter. 

This is now the third run in three days - no issues! Aside from the tight right knee and some foot bones feeling sensitive and the right leg hammy feeling. Yeah, no issues.

I'm a bit stressed today, I gotta decide what my travel plans are this weekend. I see 4 things I need to take care of: 1) visit to grandma, family, and Aunt D; 2) LA in A2; 3) work!; and 4) responsibilities of errands and dog care.

1) Gma's housing facility is having covid issues, and Aunt D is coming back to see her. I've promised my family I'd be home "soon" so the expectation is that I'll be there this weekend. So this is top priority.

2) Seeing LA - he's busy and shouldn't be wasting time driving, but see below as it pertains to me driving. This would be the first weekend we don't see each other! I hate to break our streak! But he comes 2nd to family this weekend.

3) Work. Work has been more than flexible with my schedule, thanks to a great work family and the covid. I can kinda come and go as needed. Today I meet with the boss regarding my upcoming move, and I'm VERY aware lately of my lack of productivity. Guilt! I'd like to leave today for home (thursday) and I'd like to take Monday and Tuesday off to see LA, but I just can't.

4) Errands. Gotta get my flu shot, get the dog's prescription, get a card mailed, buy 2 birthday cards, and that's all the errands and ignoring all the other shit I wanna get done - like paint the exterior parts of the house while it's still warm enough for it. And the dog - I can't run the dog all over the midwest and expect her to be happy. So I'm trying to find a balance of get things done without being too hard on her. And me.

As usual, I'll make everyone else happy first. And in the end I may or not be happy, as that's not the goal. Ugh. 
So here's the plan: 
(I just accidentally found out that if I hold shift and hit Enter I don't skip a line of text. Cool)
The plan: I work today and tomorrow morning, that way work is "happy" and I'm less guilty. I use the time here to get the errands done as listed in 4. I drive up to Illinois Friday after work to visit until Sunday afternoon.

Then I gotta decide -- come back to St Louis, or go to A2 for Monday and Tuesday? Arrive back to work Wednesday. Or do like LA did last Monday and leave AA super early to work Tuesday afternoon. Ugh.  So that's November 2nd and 3rd. 

LA is coming here November 7-8 for the kids, he's coming back here 14-15 for military duty (I really won't see him much though), and we go to Alaska 21-28, then he's here for December. 

So I'm looking at the days, and realizing that Plan A of coming right back to StL means I don't see LA for 11-12 days :(

Plan B of swinging through A2 from home means I see him in the middle of those 11 days :) and I can maybe put most of the driving late night/early morning? 

Why am I typing all of this here? haha. 

And why do I think it's OK to miss work on Monday, but not Friday? It's no different?

Wednesday in TGP and the songlist additions I forgot to mention!

 RIDE 20 miles in 90 mins, TGP

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins, Fo Pa

Really dark this morning, cloudy and misty and wet, and dark. The headlamps on until almost the end of the 2nd interval! Next week after the time change this will be different, but it will maybe be colder too. So BE and I not sure how much longer we'll keep going. I'm wanting to squeeze in as much as possible, since I started so late. 

The run is now part of the 5x/week pattern, in my phase 2 running plan. I'm keeping Tues and Thurs the same, but adding short 2-4 mile runs on Weds and Sunday. Goal is mostly to increase frequency at first. Then add distance. So I'm holding at the low 20mpw range for now. Today's run altered because BE has a virtual 5K Friday morning, so we planned to run the 4.5 mile zoo loop on Thursday. This means that my midweek goal of 12 miles total is changing from 3.5-2-6.5 to a 4-4-4 sequence, as needed to hit 12 miles. Today I ran during the PCR gels, picking a different than usual course out along Oakland to Hampton, to the middle of FoPa, then back on Clayton. This is the 2nd time now that I've picked a non-standard course for a run - new for me!

I've had a song stuck in my head for a few weeks now, unexpectedly at K-pop song by BTS called Dynamite. I downloaded it for my birthday and forgot to mention it!

"Life is sweet as honey"

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And I forgot to mention that song I happened to hear TWICE on my birthday -- Skin and Bones by Cage the Elephant. I figured it must be a new song to be repeated on the radio, but no, it's from 2019!

Close my eyes and drift into the silence
Barely see the ultraviolet
Slipped and fell into the deep end
Oh, the sidewalks shimmer just like diamonds
All the empty words were flying
Well, the heart was low but I never was alone
I never was alone

I've been running for so long
All that's left is skin and bones
Close my eyes and fight to carry on
Sometimes it makes no sense at all
If I stumble, will I fall?
If I fall I'll tuck and roll
Close my eyes and let the love light guide me home
Let the love light guide me home

Cold and wet track run

 RUN 4 miles in 44 mins, drills in the straightaway

I add that part about the drills to account for the >10m/m pace as reported. 

Cold (relatively, it's in the 40s) and almost-raining and definitely dark means it's not a good idea to bike to the track. Yesterday BE mentioned he'd be driving, that seemed to be the out I needed to drive myself there too.

It didn't quite rain, but it was that rain-imminent mist. The track/XC teams didn't show up so the track lights didn't come on. So we had a dark run the entire time.  I make it sound like it wasn't fun -- it was! We talked a bit about Monty Python skits (Accusative!), his work at WF and the charity drives they do, the issues WF had years ago, etc. The 4 miles tick by. We stopped only because he had a calf cramp, otherwise more miles!

No commute again today because of the rain. And no swimming, unless a wait-list spot opens. And if one does, I'll likely miss it. Gotta get the house ready for the realtor to tour it for the first time tomorrow morning!

Last week of dark mornings

 BIKE 20 miles in 1:29

SWIM (ETA): 1250 yards in 34 minutes

No commute today, it's supposed to rain all day. LA was up at 3am and gone just 40 mins later. I tried to snooze a bit after so I wouldn't think about it, but I only nodded off a little bit. Then felt guilty for it. Now, at 11am, he's still driving and it's still not raining. Oh, maybe it is raining. 

I joined BE for our usual Monday TGP ride. I didn't think we'd have this, usually LA leaves later in the morning and we reschedule the ride for Weds, but today it worked out as a distraction for me too. EW was going to join, but didn't, and said something in the text that she was injured? (she said "lame, literally", BE and I not sure). 

It was dark for most of the first two loops. I think halfway through the 2nd loop I turned off my headlamp. The clouds didn't help any. I dressed heavier today so I wouldn't have the distraction of the cold, and it worked. Even if I was overdressed a teeny bit, I couldn't complain about the cold like I have the past few weeks. It's only going to get worse!

The ride felt good, but I'm terribly aware of my right knee. It has a sort of vague, non-focal pain. Or tightness, or misalignment type of feeling. It's coming out of my hip, where the high hamstrings are tight? Ugh. 

I managed to get a lane at the pool today, it worked better on the computer than on my phone. But I can't always be here, so I'm on a lot of waiting lists for the next few days. 

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The swim! I did it! It rained all day and it's dark at night (not as dark as it will be after the time change this weekend) and it's cold out and I don't have the heat on yet -- so *any other night* I would NOT have left the house again to swim. I woulda stayed home with my space heater and my new warm heated blankie (LOVE IT, thanks LA). But a commitment is a commitment, I'd feel silly to cancel, so out the door I go. 

While in the parking lot, I try to sign up for a 6pm swim on Wednesday, but fail and only get a wait-list. Ugh. 

I had a WU then 2 200y intervals -- both faster than the one at the WH pool on Sunday. Are we sure that isn't a meter pool? These intervals were 4:09 and 4:18 (took a few pauses in the second one to reset form). I just scrolled though some TP.com in 2014 and it looks to be a yards pool. 

Anyway, I felt much better about everything after this swim. LA left this morning to return to A2, I told the boss today that I'm moving, it's cold and rainy, but after this everything was better. 

Numerics. 22.3 mile week running

This was really a rest week! I didn't get to the pool so swim until Sunday -- the YMCA reservation system fills so fast, I was left relying on waiting lists. I got a Thursday afternoon lane, but backed out once I realized LA was working on the house.

I got the Monday ride in, but Wednesday morning after LA arrived I skipped to sleep in with him, and didn't get to it later in the day like I hoped. We did run that night, and I split the Thursday run into a 3+4.5 sequence. So Monday was the only ride. And Thursday the only commute to work.

As for running, this is the first week of my next "phase", the goal of which is 30 miles per week and building slowly to 4-5 runs per week. Not sure how I'm going to fit the bike rides in? It will be cold, I have the Bird on the trainer, but not sure when I'll do it. I'm thinking on it. 

On weeks like this, I hate to say I'm still torn between getting my training (training for what, I dunno) in and visiting with LA. He was here Tuesday night until tomorrow morning. It disrupts my schedule, but fixes my mental state. I guess in his absence, I need the training to fix the stress. 

ETA!!!! LA and I did a late birthday run, 2.2 miles of running and another mile of walking. His route of Polish church to brewery/broadway. Felt awesome -- to run and to just go with the flow of his suggestions. So 22.3 miles!

And 13.8 miles of COMMUTE. Not much!

Happy Birthday Bee!

 SWIM 1050 yards at WH pool, 200TT at 4:15 

Happy Birthday to me!  45 years old, I've cat'd up too but since there are no races going on, it doesn't matter!

So here's my annual birthday post. What a year it's been -- COVID, protests and SJW types, prez elections. But as for me -- LA moved in, got into med school, moved out. I'm finally facing my Dragons, or at least I'm recognizing that I have them. 

This past year has been a whirlwind. October through December I was recovering still from the pelvic bone injury. I feel HARD into old habits in November, I was falling apart as I spent a few months working every single day, all day, unable to be home alone. I had days in November in which I completely fell apart -- M and stress and sabotage. Then Thanksgiving and LA, then Spaceballs then the Russian Restaurant. And from then on -- everything changed, at least on the outside. 

In December we went to the east coast, and I learned that I can successfully travel and I'm not so limited. In January and February I realized I could go with him to med school, this was an up and down period, his success and my fear of him leaving. In March I was sick for a week immediately preceding COVID shutdown, and I came back to a new world. No family, no travel, no co-workers, no shopping. Really my life didn't change much -- I didn't go out much anyway -- but life had completely changed. April and May - cleaned up his house by FLW, and June was my last month with him here. July was a bonus month as plans changed, then he moved. I came back in August alone to an empty house. August was also when I started "training" again, not just light running but a real *plan* with swim and bike too. August, September, and now through October we still see each other each week. The meeting, the leaving, the together then alone, it's stress then calm then loneliness then love. 

And through it all, of course, M. Up and down, stop and start and stop. Like for years. This response to stress, this coping mechanism in my head. As of today, 10 full days without. It's there, it will never really be gone, but I don't have to listen.

What I've been listening to instead, are the voices of Yesterday, which I found a week or so ago. 7 active voices, plus a silent one, plus the current listener. As per Rule #4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday -- these are my Yesterdays. 

What a weird thing to think, but it helps to know that the stronger person I used to be is still me -- just lost somewhere. From 2014's MiTi feeling of invincibility, 2014's B2B smiling no matter what, 2015's KM100 denial into change, 2016's unstoppable strength, 2018's renewal, late 2018's getting lost and slipping into the depths, to 2019's full submersion into the deep, so Deep I found a Balrog and monsters and dragons and they all came at me. 

To now. 2020's bee. I've clawed my way back up, my fingers on the edge. The monsters still there, some banished back to the deeps, but still below me. I'm stuck in Moria still, and I need to find my way out. 

So my goal for the next year, find yourself again. Leave behind everything here and find a new start. You are still the person you were yesterday, all off them good and bad. The silent voice, that's the voice of the future, and what will that voice say in one year? 

A Day off before a long run!

 RUN 9 miles NON-STOP in 1:30

I rested Friday, took the day off of lab and did LOTS of housework. The bathtub wall and caulk, master bedroom window trim and pain, and the ceiling in that room too. And a few breaks in between :X

This was a much-needed rest! My right high-hamstring and right knee are still "off", but I wouldn't say wrong or injured (or I'm in denial) and I don't know if the run or the bike is a cause or exacerbation of it. 

Saturday morning he took off to FLW area, and I went to work. The plan was to start my PCR and get my run in then. I usually don't run as good mid-day, but this was colder and gloomy than the past few days and I wasn't looking forward to being cold. As per usual, I was overdressed and over-thinking it.

I started around noon, and didn't set my 3 goals for the run like I normally do. So I ran out without any run-walk plans at all. And no set route, and no set goal pace or time. I just went, and a mile or two in I wondered why I always think of this as "must do out-n-back" to get mileage. What would happen if I just wandered the park? 

So I decided to just run, see what I go, but I did stay on the trail. When I got to Skinker I kept going past the campus, and slowly feeling better and better as I go. I didn't even think about stopping for a walk. I didn't watch the Garmin, I didn't count or measure. I just ran. 

And I LOVED IT. Miles 5-7 just flew by. Miles 6-8 might have been the fastest. I felt a little like I could race, and the mental tricks I use to push a little more worked. When it came to mile 8, and opted for one more --9 miles!!

No pains, no problems, and all great. And another no-stress day, like yesterday. 

And -- this was day 10 without the M!

Kept falling into stress response

 Tuesday RUN 3.5 on the track, COMMUTE 4.6  to the track

Wednesday RUN 3 miles, late afternoon with LA

Thursday RUN 4.5 miles in Fo Pa, COMMUTE 9.2 miles

LA arrived Tuesday night! As excited as I am that he comes here, the time he's driving is stressful. But the relief when he gets here - all worth it. 

But I kept falling back into a stress response all week, Wednesday and Thursday were hard days. I can't explain it. This is my safe zone to explain things, and yet I don't have the words. 

I feel so...out of control, off base, like I'm on a treadmill that just goes a little bit faster every week. Like the world is spinning under me and my feet can't stay on the ground. Then I get to the point like I need to grab onto something solid, but there isn't anything. Whatever I can find to grab is transient, or just pulls me faster. 

LA is here, so you'd think I could grab onto him (figuratively) (and literally!). But he's only here a few days, and I don't feel right unloading onto him, he has his own problems.

But then I do unload onto him, he asks why I'm so stressed and in order to answer I have to face the Dragons I have been trying to ignore. And they come out roaring and I lose all denial and control of the Dragon. 

I wish I could explain it better. But I can say that I didn't grab on to him, and he is solid, and he helped me figure it out. Sometimes his calm experience riles me up, and while it did this time, it also brought me back. 

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As for the medical shit in the last post, all seems good as expected. Going to try antibiotics for a few months to see if the intermittent symptoms clear out. 

Cold TGP ride, more medical shit

 BIKE 20 miles in 80-90 minutes

I met with BE for a cold ride, it rained overnight but as per forecast cleared out by ride time. We rode at 630 to give the sun more time, but the clouds obscured any light. It was cold, maybe less cold than last Friday, but cold enough that BE stopped at two intervals. Of course, I couldn't stop.

My hands and toes were cold, my forearms and face a bit, but otherwise I managed. Glad I did it!

The ride felt good, but I'm now hyper-vigilant about injury. The sit bones that occasionally hurt (but not now and not during the ride) make contact with the seat? I'm pretty sure this started before the new ISM seats were installed? And what can I do so the knees don't feel so strained when I stand on the pedals? 

To my surprise I did fine on the ride without headphones. Usually I need the distraction to keep the voice between my ears subdued. 

I tried to schedule a swim for 9am or 6pm, but no matter how fast I try to be I miss the signup. I'm on the wait list, today and again tomorrow, but don't have high expectations. 

Medical appointment later, will ETA. Maybe. Sick of this medical shit. 

Weekend update and trip to AA, injury summary

Friday BIKE 10 miles in TGP (cold) and BIKE 10 miles on the trainer

     SWIM 1050 yards

Saturday RUN 2 miles, and walked about 0.75 miles

NUMERICS: 6:44 hours as above, plus COMMUTE 23.2 miles

Friday morning was chilly! I wanted to ride, but I didn't want to ride outdoors in the 37F and I didn't want to ride the trainer just yet. I wavered back and forth. Do I HTFU and ride outdoors or do I wimp out and stay indoors. I haven't ridden The Bird since....???....and I wasn't sure the new bike seat and different fit would be good for me. Don't be a chicken, saddle up and get outdoors.

Out I went, brrrrrrr, I'm trying to dress light but smart, warm but not sweaty, and succeeded and failed. My core was warm but my fingers and forearms ached. As I've done before, I pushed through one lap, then decided I could win both ways -- ride half here and half there -- and get both outdoor and indoor rides, neither of which I'd really wanted but really wanted. Win :)

Then a swim, the goal was 1000 yards but the Garmin picked up 1050. To be sure, I did an extra lap with the Garmin off, so that I really did 1050. The swim was my fourth one this week, and my shoulders and neck were feeling the new fatigue. Some muscle or ? on my head had a sharp pain, a pain familiar from my ironman training in 2014. Is it good or bad? 

Speaking of pains, I need at some point to note what I feel here. I have multiple, where to start? My right forearm/elbow has been pained for weeks now. When I lift something like a kombucha jar or the Puppy, try to open a door handle, pick up a bag - it hurts like a sharp ache. My feet have aches and pains - multiples of them, and they move and migrate and come and go, leaving me to wonder if they are real or not. Sometimes the pinkie bones on the outside of my feet have a sharp pain, especially if I roll my foot a little over to the side so the bone touches harder into the ground. Separately something under my heel (mostly the right) has a rock-in-shoe type pain at random. Not when walking, but like when driving? And the left ankle sometimes feels like it's not rolling right, like some tendons or ligaments aren't aligning proper.

Then there's my right now, which also feels like it's not aligning proper. Like the tendons/ligaments aren't pulling the knee right, or pulling imbalanced. This is hard to describe. Sometimes the left knee too, but much milder. Mostly, when I'm stepping up on a step, stepping down, or starting the bike from a stop (in summary, when I'm pushing the knee when bent) it feels strained and weak. This is probably connected to my hip?

The worst of the pain is this one. My high hamstrings or sitbones or something in that area has episodes of burning, kinda similar to the stress fracture pain from 2019! It's under the butt crease on the right side mostly, but sometimes I feel a hot sizzle of pain at the sit bones. This was especially so when I was driving to/from AA this weekend. Just sitting?! But pure chance a triathlon news email I read last week had an article on high hamstring tendonopathy - which sounds sorta/kinda like what I have! This has been stressful - the thought that the injury is still there, or there's another injury, or ...? My stomach turns a bit, I feel sick to think I'm injured again. 

But I'm still running, cautiously, and took full advantage of the rest week I just finished. I'm not sure what to do. 

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The new moon last week was another 'start' for me. I re-dedicated to goals, and on the drive back to STL I was approaching Indy the urge to 'enjoy' the foods that make me sick came back. I know what oatmeal does to me, and peanut butter, and I keep thinking I can enjoy them without getting sick "if only I do...." but time and time and time again this feeling has failed. But this time, I won. 

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Great weekend to AA, it seemed last minute to be leaving on Friday after work and having to come back so soon on Sunday. But it was 100% worth it. I can't get enough. But the stress just keeps building.

Met recovery run goal; Met part of old Bee last night

 RUN 4.5 miles in about 50 mins

SWIM will ETA

Cooler and intermittent rain this morning, but never a doubt that I'd run. The question was only about how far it would be. I like the full loop of 6.5 miles, but this is a rest week for me - the plan says 4 miles. 

Just yesterday I listened to one of my new podcasts - an hour long breakdown of the zones of running - and the first zone was the "active recovery" zone, z1, motion is lotion, etc. For this and the second zone, you should feel better *after* the run, as it was easy and non-damaging. I accomplished that with this run. 

EW was quiet today, didn't say much, usually she's a ball of positive chatter and energy. I don't mind *at all* waiting for someone who is still trying, so BE and I waited at a few points to let her catch. She'd fall back again, we'd wait. I'm hoping she's OK, should I text her? What would I want a friend to do? 

Anyway, this easier pace gave me the third reason I needed (my magical three): it's recovery week, my right knee feels tight/weak, and I didn't want to leave EW running alone. Decision made, BE and I mostly led the way, with a light rain falling at the end. And a little bit of parking lot loops at the end too, because 4.46 miles is not the same as 4.5 miles.

Yesterday LA ran 6.16 miles, and I ribbed him about it. But yay for 6 miles!! Even if he walked a bit of it, still, it's stretching out the distance. 

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Last night I again came home to old habits, had dinner in a cold, tired rush before walking the dog. The goal was to walk and meditate first, so as to calm my brain from the stress of work. Instead I put the stress on mute while I instead comfort my brain with food and youtube. It's not that I'm really overeating, it's *HOW* I'm eating. Almost mindless, munching, on plan but off the table I should be seated at. It's habit, it's the pull of rest, it's the temptation of watching the iphone (Blerch!). It slowly slid into rice, but that didn't last. Still a fail, and an M. 

Walk, power hour of chores (nice!!), meditate, more meditate, 8' of PT, bed. During the second meditate, my head filled with images and thoughts from the old me. Me in a picture I have near the bed, at christmas. Me in a picture with my cousin and my aunt in 2018. Right next to me, conversational, was the old me - in my head of course. Still here, actually. What does this mean?!

I put the Dragon, we named it Drake last night, near the bed so I'd see it when I wake up. Then put it downstairs so again I could see it. What does that mean too?!

And I have a SlayTheDragon tag for this blog. Next I'm gonna go back and see what that was, and when. 

Late start, still 20 miles

 BIKE 20 miles in 88 mins, 2x TGP then a 5K+

COMMUTE 9.2 miles

I woke up at the usual 4:45am time and almost went out the door early to meet BE at 6am. Then I realized I didn't need to be there until 6:30! To make the best of it, I got my Card Deck workout done before the ride. Like I said yesterday, I'd have to wake up earlier to fit it into my schedule.

It was dark at the start, and that beautiful new moon like a perfect crescent looked down at the eastern horizon. Yesterday Venus was below the moon; today it was above it. We did only two intervals, by the end of the second one we had full sunlight, and it was a pretty morning!

BE asked last week if we could do a 5K mej of the TGP for his upcoming virtual 5K, so that replaced our third interval. This left me 1.5 miles short of my 20 mile goal so of course I did loops around the 'hood until I hit distance goal. Part of me was saying -- it's a rest week so what if the ride is 1.5 miles short. The rest of me was saying -- STFU a goal is a goal. [So why so much trouble with the M goal????}

I'm trying to sign up for the pool Thursday and Friday but the signup system is full of go-hards like me who have a finger hovering over the buttons. It is full within *seconds*. So I'm signed up for 3pm Thursday and 9am Friday, with wait-lists everywhere in the hopes that I can be around the computer to get at least one of them. 3pm on a Thursday, ugh. The 9am on Friday is barely OK, I don't know yet if I'm going to AA or not this weekend, but that leaves me enough time. 

Track run under the almost-new moon

 RUN 4 miles easy, with drills on the southern straightaway

COMMUTE 14 miles total

SWIM 1200 yards in about 30 mins, more drills

Up on time, as planned, started my Card Deck workout but realized I needed to get up earlier to finish it ontime. Ride to run, run with BE, home to almost-immediate shower (missed goal), shower, finish Card Deck, walk, M1, leave. YAY!

This is a rest week, only 10 miles on the plan but I might add on, you know me. The almost-new moon hung over downtown, with Venus underneath it. A bright sliver of silver in a dark sky. The 16th is a super new moon, or is it a new supermoon, and BE and I agreed that's a misnomer for something you can't see. 

The run was pretty, with sunrise not until 7:07am we were under the track lights the entire time, and we didn't even notice this. Simple run dat, one of my favorites that I will miss for the good company. We talked DVDs commentary tracks, his new DVD of drum corps, Russian language, his nieces birthday response on FB, yeah, I'll miss this once it's post-season. 

I had my phone alarm set to remind me of the Thursday pool signup -- and it filled in Seconds! I'm on the wait list in 15 seconds?! UGH. This system of signup has been the best accountability partner for my swimming. Can I apply it to other parts of my day? 

The card deck was the longest version -- 10 exercises long and I got a King for the time. I initially set to 100 seconds (10 seconds x 10-value card) but reduced it to 1 minute because I was failing form late into the 100 seconds. Done either way. 

Still to come -- 8 minute PT workout, 10 minute mediation, and 10 mins of journal/coloring/thinking. I need this, to break the evening habits used to alleviate stress and loneliness and boredom. Hate to admit it, but these habits  are coping mechanisms that fail me, yet I still do them. Can this be the start of better habits? Who is stronger? Monster or Meditation?

SWIM at 6pm. ETA: Two days of a row in swimming, and I can feel some strain and fatigue in my shoulders and neck. And that little painful pinge that happens on the back of the skull, kinda to the left, that I get after long swims. This wasn't a long swim!

Yesterday I said I wanted more drills, so I changed the 8x25 kick to a 8x25 drills with kick, then at the pool I messed up (?) and did 8x50 as DDDDDDKK, haha, oops in a good way. I did Sam's "look at hands forward", rotation, and chin tucked drills, twice each, then two kicks.  Felt good, but now typing this on Wednesday I can feel the bad form. More slow drills, please. I know you're anxious to get out of this "1000K swim" training plan, but it's good for now because the frequency is higher this way. Remember the Run Durability podcast from EN just listened to? Yeah, that for swimming. 

And as a follow up to above, Monster was stronger again last night. Should I start keeping score?

Almost full swim by time

 SWIM 1450 yards in 40 mins, I think 35 actual swim minutes (thanks garmin)

No commute or TGP ride today, as LA left in the morning and it was an easy switch. BE is on-board for a Wednesday ride, not sure about EW, so all is good. 

This was a 5pm swim, I arrived on-deck around 5:05-5:10 (garmin might know?) and followed my 1000y plan modified up to 1300y. When I realized I could get a few extra laps before the lane closed at 5:45, I took it. I thought I had 1500, but that's for another day.

The plan was a good one -- 4x25 moderate, 200 steady, 8x25 fast, 200 steady, 4x25 moderate -- I added another 200 steady at the end, and made the 2nd 4x25 a paddle swim with my new paddles. My form is still terrible. I'm torn between slowing down to work on it, and doing The Plan. I should modify my plans to include the drills, then I'm doing BOTH. Noting that now on my swim post-in note...

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I had my evening all planned out, walk dog first and short meditation and my new "cards workout"  and take Bird back to the trainer and get at minimum of 15 mins in. But I fell into old habits -- LA called and I used that as an excuse to break out of the planned routine. Then I fell in to the old habit of YouTube and oatmealM. I threw away this container, purchased on Saturday!! It's gotta go, I just can't have it.

Progress on DRB00108 Stalled for this issue. Today I thought, oh my birthday is next week, that's a good time so today is OK. Ugh. Failed. 

12 mile run! And numerics.

Saturday RUN 12 miles in 2:06 (miles 1-10 had 30 second walk/mile; miles 11-12 had 60s walk/mile)

Ave HR (chest) 146, ave cadence 165. but gotta look at the details since I walked: HR was usually 145-150 and the run cadence was high 160's. So walking didn't make that much difference for the numbers.

My first half mary in 2006 was finished I think in 2:06. At one point I thought about making this run my MO Cowbell Half Mary Virtual run but decided to save the money and just run on my own. This run felt great, never bored even on Grant's Trail. The niggle in my right leg is now hip and knee. It's not pain it's just an odd feeling.

The idea I could be injured panics me. I'm not ready to discuss it yet.

My new garmin gives me a 7 day Metrics summary, I thought about adding it to my Numerics tagged posts, but it's just one more thing to do! And I'm not even sure what all those numbers really mean. "Stress Level"?  But the averages and summary is nice. 

And LA was here all last week and this weekend. Feels so normal :)

NUMERICS 7:12 not counting the bike commutes
COMMUTE 23 miles