Solo morning, fast clear run

Tuesday RUN 3.1 miles and COMMUTE 7 miles
Weds RUN 4.2 (39 mins) and no commute

I'm still in solo week. All me and my choices, kinda nice but lonely. I had another bad dinner last night (so much CO) that today has to be a clean-up day. 

My run felt fast and light and clear (even though only 9:30 m/m ish) and although I didn't do the 5-7 miles of hills the plan indicated I'm still happy. This was a back-to-back running, and no notice of it or issues. I feel like this pace better suits me, I have better running form and less niggles afterwards. 

Still yet this week - a 4 miler and the long run 8 miler. 

I'm focused right now on anxiety reduction, decision making, and future thinking. I'm trying to frame today as what FutureBee or TomorrowTracy would like to have happened. Another way to think it through is "how would FutureBee do this" but I'm not there yet. I realized this morning that my "5 Goals for Today" on my schedule is actually my way of thinking into the future. I plan out what I'd like to have happen for me in a day. So I kinda started already. 

Future Me would like to not hurry--rush breakfast like I did today. I was hungry and hurried and stressed to get to meeting and I couldn't talk to the kids as they wanted. So I took some PB, then some yogurt (was supposed to be for the dog!) and them my lunch (because of CO I couldn't eat it today). I manged on PB then yogurt then tore apart the lunch some to dog some to me some to garbage. Ugh. THen I'm too full. Then I wonder, what about lunch?! I bring oatmeal, measured, and leave it in the truck. That way I really have to be hungry, not bored!

Future Me would rather these things are planned and packed in advance. At the least, an index card of options to rush through. Because if NowBee could have spoken up 2 hours ago, it would have said "ooh just wait that's gonna sit bad with all the stress". Ask me how I know. 

Solo week into Hennepin

Mon STRENGTH pull day, did 2 sets but more reps than before

Monday - I woke up telling myself that last night's mistakes don't have to happen again today. I do my chores and clear up a bit of mess. I'm at the gym when I get a text from LA about his ex wife. The next hour or so is me spiraling from this - the stress of that situation is one I need to get out of. I set some goals this morning of working on Blerch - the current face of Monster (18 days!) - and that includes No Blerch During Dinner. Airplane mode in another room. He was there for last night's disaster, he's not fully to blame (it's me), but he's not helping me. 

I'm reading books now on stress, anxiety, decision making, and addictions. Soooooo much I could write here, but is this the place for it? 

At the gym this morning, I saw another woman on the treadmill and I realized that I probably used to look fit like her, and now I don't. I realized then that a lot of my unhappiness with myself comes from missing how I used to be and look (at least in my mind) comes from seeing what I think I used to be and wanting it back. Last night was incongruent with this goal. Comparing myself to others is not a good way to be in the world, and I didn't used to do that. I was confident in me, and didn't look to others for inspiration or motivation or comparison. 

Hennepin is this weekend, my goal since 2019 and it's slipped out of my grasp. It did that long ago, and I have only recently accepted it. 

I keep thinking this week can be my reset week. Focus on Me. Write the goals out, write the Past, Current, Future Self exercises, work through the addiction stuff. 

Today already the stress of the ex thing (she just forgot some paperwork) and the stress of mathing out that I've spent just over $1840 just in September alone on travel. 

I need to set some boundaries. Work on that today. And learn more about the attachment styles I started reading last night. 

Feeling more normal, but again getting disrupted; New moon

Weds RUN 3.2 miles with LA after work
No Commute

Thurs STRENGTH Push with just 2 sets, and 15' elliptical WU
No Commute!

Fri RUN 3.5 miles solo before work. Saw a squirrel get hit along 7th! 

Sat RUN 6 miles of hills in the Ozarks

Two more runs this week - 3.5 and a 6 (that should turn into a 6-7 with walking), and now I'm debating if I should travel to MO with LA tomorrow (Friday) or not. He's gone all next week and back Friday, so while I'm looking forward to having "my" schedule for the week, I'm realizing too that "my" schedule now involves him. Sure I can just go to the gym if I want when I want and etc. I can run the errands I want. The phone calls with kids I hope will happen, and they can happen more flexibly than a fixed time. 

Updating now on Monday the 26th: 
We left Friday afternoon for MO, driving overnight and sleeping 2.5 hours in a parking lot near Washington MO. There was so much stress for me Friday morning - should I or shouldn't I go - and the emotions of that lasted all weekend. I think they're still here.

Saturday we drove to Ozarks and LA found a cabin. He ran 7.9 and I ran 6 (separately) and I found some great hills, a loose guard dog, and I think a sassafras tree. 

Sunday back to STL to catch my flight, then back to AA house. During this trip, the New Moon, and new promises. 

I broke the promises in a few moments, oats PP PB RC, and again I'm stressed. 

 

Stuck to some of my plans

RUN 4.2 miles solo, 42 mins

COMUTE 3.5 miles

LA wanted to run last night, but I wasn't up for it. So I stuck to my preferred plan of running in the morning. It's lonelier, I don't walk as much (and I might could walk more), but I feel better in the morning runs. Today the sun was directly rising along Scio Church, making for a blinding glow down the street as I ran east.

But some of my other plans, I only mostly stuck to. 12-8 IF succeeded, M1 succeeded but M2 got messy as usual. And for some reason CO seems to make my mind think the day can't be salvaged. Huh? 

I played with my new watercolor pencils last night, and before bed drew some more in the 30 Days to Drawing book. I think a coffee cup, and a pyramid, and ...?  This morning I did a better coffee mug and started a tree. I slacked on the tree and switched to drawing a cocker spaniel from Aurora's book. Then the tree, doing a much better job using contour lines to show the branches going into or out of the page. And right before I fell asleep I was able to read a non-phone library book on insulin discovery. All good!

Yesterday morning I did yoga and abs, tonight my goal is more yoga or at least some stretching to undo some of the leg and hip tightness. And oh my upper body and back and still sore from the weekend strength training! Give it another day, then more!

34 days, 10 more. Emotional. Trail Run. Reset.

Saturday RUN 5 miles on the DTE trail, Green loop!
    STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PUSH

Sunday STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PULL

Monday (today) YOGA?! and STRENGTH 15 minutes abs

    COMMUTE 3.5 miles

Today will be 11 days of no M. 

What a weekend. I have 34 more days until goal. On the bike ride in this morning, as I'm turning off Huron onto Glen, I realize that Dec 25th is probably going to be the real deadline/goal. How can I change so much in just another 5 weeks?

My disappointment of seeing 10 to go this morning hurts. I knew all weekend, it's palpable and noticeable and heavy. But it still burns. I'll come back to this.

On Saturday I cracked emotionally and let spill out to LA my insecurities and the coping mechanisms. The lack of self worth, the feeling of not loving myself, the pain of not liking who I am or what I see. This has been going on for how long? At least 2019. 2018. 2017? Yes, at least that long. 

What don't I like? Well for starters, this isn't my body anymore. It's foreign and ill-shaped. The picture LA sent me yesterday of me bathing the dog only cemented that idea. That's me?! It's sick. That's not the image in my head, the image of PastSelf or FutureSelf or CurrentSelf. It's all wrong and I'm all wrong and I just can't.

Well, that can be fixed -- the outer appearance. And before the crack and before the picture I'd already decided to go back to the gym as a dedicated habit. Saturday was 15' elliptical then 30-35 minutes of arm burning. Sunday was more of the same. Last night a few mins of yoga, more today before an abs workout. If I don't like how my body feels or moves, that can change. 

What more don't I like?  This isn't my brain anymore, sometimes, it's like another personality as replaced me. LA said over the weekend it's like a cognitive dissonance (I'm not sure I really understood what he was trying to say) but he said it's bravado about running and at the same time I say I can't run. Well that's true - the feeling of an old habit I get from being on the trail up against the weak muscles and cardio. He might have meant something else but here's what I take from it:

-- That I'm living two separate ideas. I say I can't run like I used to, then I'm all happy on the trail running. Why not just accept that I used to run a lot more but now I run less?  I say I can't eat certain foods, then I try them and they're OK. I say I'm full and don't need more, but then instead I continue until I'm beyond full and unhappy. 

I can't run, but I can run.

I can't eat that, but I eat it.

I'm full, but I eat more. 
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm this and I'm that and JFC. 

No, I'm not all that. I'm just fine. 

I want to change all this. I'm ready to change. I dislike change, but I need it. 

Goals today:
1. After 12, before 8.

2. Prepacked, stick to it so no CO.

 just stop

I just did the math...

RUN 4.3 miles in 45 mins. None of the pain in my right foot that I felt earlier this week. 
COMMUTE 3.5, more?

...and calculated that since Monday I've consumed 3400 calories of "off" foods. As in, foods that according to my health and my goals - I shouldn't be consuming. 3500 once I calculate in the peanut butter spoon that I forgot to include.

What The Everlasting Fuck!? Earlier in the shower, after my weigh-in shows stagnant changes, I chastised myself for thinking change could happen when NO CHANGES ARE MADE. {BTW, I'm now a full week with out the Monster!}. I paid someone 1500$ to help me change and I did the math on my fingers - since about this this time in April -- May June July August and now September -- I'm STILL trying to implement CHANGE.

I'll give myself credit for continuing to try. But fail after fail. Just 2-3 days ago I'm like "25!" and here today what has changed to get me there? Nothing. Except instead of losing 5-7 pounds it's now 8-10. 

I also promised myself, in the mental midst of the above thinking, to find 3 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I ran 4.3 miles and although my left hip wasn't perfect, I was able to run
2. My eyes enjoyed seeing clear sky streaked by silent vapor trails, and they enjoyed seeing a squirrel scurry hop ahead of me, all things that would be so hard to describe.
3. I had a good BM, but refer below to oatmeal as to why, but I'm "on schedule" and sometimes that's big win for me.
4. I'm grateful that we don't have to travel yet again this weekend. 
5. I'm grateful that LA and I were able to run 1.6 together.

I'm NOT happy about:
1. Listening to an audiobook about brain connections and neurology and the feeling of disconnection, while I DISCONNECTED and binged yogurt while staring at my phone, when I wanted to fast today.

Let's break that down. How did it get to that point? I felt off. Flat. Lonely. Anxious about I don't know. I'm post run, post shower, post weighin. Hmmm.  I'm in the kitchen packing lunch - 3 eggs and no mayo because I had a high carry over last night. I decide "rice cakes, well there's only 2 in the package and I could put butter on them and that could be filling, and then my energy might be better this afternoon". 

Instead, I proceed to eat the rice cakes. They crumbed while trying to put cold (but measured!) butter and I thought "well it's just a mess to pack, I'll eat it now". Then, "well I can't eat just carbs, I'll get hungry! I'll have some yogurt". Then I ate yogurt from the container, putting salt everywhere, while staring at the same Pinterest posts in my feed the last 2 days. I mindlessly ate. More, more, more. 

Then a startling memory of Carry Over. SHIT. But I'm zoned out. I want more. I want salt. I want disconnection. 

Then I realized I need to do the math - that I'm not counting the yogurt. Here I am at work, stressed, having trouble typing, thought dumping (that at least is a good thing), panicky and anxious, and I did the math: There's about 1 serve left of the Fage, but 400 uncounted. There's about 2-3 serve left of the whole yogurt, but 460 uncounted. That's some fucked up ED math. 

THEN. I did the math of how much dairy and carbs and off foods I've eaten this week, because I know that those two food groups are pushing out all the other foods.

Since Monday, 3500 calories have come from those foods. 6500 total calories, and that's over HALF. HALF OF MY FOODS THIS WEEK ARE SHIT. STOP! 

The problems, and the solutions:

Yogurt - Binge-able food in big containers. Unsatisfying in little containers. There's nothing inherently wrong with the yogurt, it's the way I eat it this week. ----> Measure it out into tupperwares and top as desired. It's OK, just not unmeasured. Limit dairy like this to a pre-measured 150-200 a day. Not the current average of 400 a day in cheese and yogurt. (I'm not counting butter here). 

Cheese - I rando cut chunks off a block unmeasured. I even salt the chunks. Sometimes I put butter on them. All unmeasured. ----> Stop the cheese. Just stop. or make it part of the meal. 

(I just had another realization - that since I'm 300 behind on the Fage and maybe 100-200 behind on the Whole yogurt, that's is MORE than 3500).

Oatmeal - the garbage (I did this once I woke up today with my brain saying "but ooooh just keep one serving at least) (then later my brain said, we can buy more) (then later, we can make a rule to only use it in savory recipes) FUCK. Garbage. Then I realize the hotel serves it, and I think that maybe on those weekends once a month it will be Ok. 

Rice Cakes - These aren't so bad, it's HOW I eat them. Unplanned. ---->find a way to make them part of a meal, egg salad on top or something. Give it a try. 

Sugars (Fuck, were those in my calculations?) - azuc (to the garbage yesterday) and then yesterday molasses. ----> well it's in the garbage. Don't replace it by buying more. And leave LA's candy alone! 

And what the fuck happened to waiting until noon? Last two days, that's been out. Why am I so stressed? 

Thursday, another mental mess up day

COMMUTE 3.5 and more? 
RUN? 

Yesterday I completely rested, I went to bed with really pained feet (roller skating and the 3 short back-to-back-to-back runs Monday and Tuesday?) and woke up with a sharply pained metatarsel/phalange in the 5th toe. Sharp, like a stress fracture or something acute. Sitting here now and all of today -  no pain. But now I'm sick-to-my-stomach nervous about it. Like, right when I start to find a plan or a habit or something -- something else comes up to disrupt it. This week is supposed to be the "First Week of The 13.1M Training" and I'm debating whether or not I'm injured. 

Today, so far better on that front. But today another Discussion about .... with LA.... and we keep having this and why do I always come away feeling like the Defective part? Because I am? I thought I was Different. Not Defective. It took years to get over the Defective label I had on myself and now it's back. I'm Wrong. Not Right. Need To Be Fixed. Again. 

Totally undercuts the 'self of steam'. Which hurts worse, a potential bone injury or to feel like you're some Defective part? The latter. The bone fracture will heal. I've been Defective for as long as I've known. 

So my self esteem low today. 

In other news, today is day 7!! We had PB and oats last night and they survived. So did my streak. I have the PB to the dog :)

And my streak of no breakfast blipped today as I came downstairs feeling awful and dragging, sick to my stomach a bit and weak, so I ate the oats I made last night. Still full! Let's see if increasing carbs improves my energy and constantly-feeling coldness. I feel like nothing is working for me. Like all avenues just lead to failure. Athletics. Nutrition. Relationship. 

40 days left

RUN yesterday 1 mile, today 1.5 miles
STRENGTH 20 mins of #3
COMMUTE 3.5 and more? 

Yesterday LA wanted to run before phone call, and so did I but my ankles were tired after roller skating Sunday with the kids. It really settled in during the day yesterday, and ended up worse in the right ankle and the left hip. I was limping a bit just to walk, and limping on both legs to run. I made it 0.5 mile out (to the stop sign at the bottom of the hill), before turning around to come back.

My plan to do a 30hr fast didn't happen either. I did 19.5 hours and kept it within sum goal. But not how goal or macro goal. Yesterday was just a tough day.

Today! LA dropped me off at the corner near the gym, I did the new #3 session for the first time then ran home. So the training plan suggested 3-2.5-3-4.5 for this week and I'm on the way to it. The ankle was much better this morning, not perfect, but huge improvement. 

In my head, I'm blaming too the sugar intake and the InFlAmMaTiOn it causes. ugh. 

I don't have today prepacked, but I will preplan it. 

Feeling good, some twinges in the back from skating. Jeans feel good. Muscles mildly sore. Fatigue lifted a bit. 

Make a plan for dinner!! NOW:
I have 3 eggs and mayo for lunch. 2pm is 18 hours. You have 30 mins. Then 5 hours is close to 7pm, and again you have 30 mins: 6oz salmon, 1T butter, half a large apple with 1 serve of walnuts, and 2 serve of broccoli. Plated. Seated. With mindfulness. 

25 by the 25 and bye to 25

I'm so tired, a bit motion-sick from the bus ride in, knocking things over, and ineffective. I just want to stop moving. 

But - I set a goal over the weekend. And this morning while stickering our office calendar I noticed that my birthday is a New Moon! 

I keep bouncing around, saying "I want to do ..." and "this" and "that" but am I doing it? Currently:
1. Get a run/gym/cardio schedule in place, so I don't wake up to a 'whatever' plan
2. Hone the IF and have a plan for it, not 'whatever'
3. Hone the carbs intake, and STOP the shit of up/down/whatever

Like, I say "I'm low carb" and "I do TRE" and "I'm an athlete" but then on a day like today I'm just all over the place. 

Some self-love and understanding would be helpful on a day like today. See my opening line! ((HUGS))

With my usual Zenn/Omen/Confluence way of thinking, I've set a goal of being at 25 on the 25th so as to be down 25 by the 25th. Birthday present to me!

And I'd love to sit here and type about it. But I gotta get moving. I'm a slug at work.  
-----
Took a break and met LA for lunch.
Really though, there's not much to say. Get the shit above done - make plans. Even if just for this week.

No M since Thursday. Get through today and it will be four. 
I threw away the sugary oatmeals I hoarded from the hotel over the weekend. Two of them, three if I count the one I found last night smuggled in my black triathon coat. I'm so torn - If I can fit the oats into a meal plan, should I keep eating them? First question I guess -will it fit? 

This week:
1.
2. Today I'll skip and end tomorrow after 1640  for 30 hours. My CO and overnight and poor counting meals I've already eaten today!!!!
3. Sketch out meals for this week, that fit the goal macros, and pack them. 

October weekend with kids

I'm not sure, but Connect says I ran only 6 miles in the last three days. But that doesn't include the Labor Day 5 miles? Probably not, it's Monday morning 00:12. Ugh. We're driving back to Michigan. Another broken up week last week. No gym, no bike rides. We lost Monday and Friday to travel.

Anyway. I did a 43 hour full moon fast. I was definitely ready to end when I did. I will work on building the so-called fasting muscle now, working to 60 hours.

We're planning on doing a trail half mary for my birthday! So I'm training for it, of course I have training plans.

My nutrition was a bit of mess this weekend. It was last weekend too and I still feel the aftermath. I need structure. But right now I'm the car at 00:16 I won't find any.

The post full moon is to my right, with Jupiter nearby. It lights up my lap.

1200 Days of No Balrog

This weekend marks 1200 days of No Balrog. The big Balrog, not the Minion. This is a Full Moon Weekend. This is a Fast weekend.

And it's a travel/kids weekend. And it started yesterday with the Minion putting me to bed. 

When would 1200 days of No Minion be? December 22, 2025. Holy shit that's a long ways away.

And May 30, 2019 is a long ways away. Seems like a lifetime. I went back in the blog archives to see what was going on, and I think that on May 30 I didn't set a decision to stop but rather I stopped days later and back-calculated. On the 30th I was running 20-25 mile trail runs, biking with the group at TrailNet rides, and writing about more schedule changes - like how to run 100 miles in a week and how to get two-a-days in. I wrote this:

                    Morning             Mid              Afternoon
Monday       M bike                                      (upper strength)
Tuesday       S run+plys                                (core)
Wednesday  L run                                         or commute run
Thursday     M run                                        (S or hills bike)
Friday         Rest
Saturday     L bike or run                              (swims good here)
Sunday       L bike or run                              (...and here)

I'm still writing things like this, that hasn't changed.

Numbers: Hennepin 22 days away. Minion 14 hours ago. 16 hr IF for 78 days. Clean until noon 82 days. Stopped the internet 105 days ago. Moved in together 1012 days ago. Balrog 1198 days ago (as of this writing).

Balrog and Move in were only about 200 days apart. They almost touched. 

Well I still want to make a schedule, not sure if two-a-day is possible and certainly a 100 mile week is not possible. I read those old posts, and miss who I used to be. 

What do I really want, I need to start there. That's the goal this weekend. Just figure things out. Plenty of time on the plane, waiting in layovers. 

As if today was May/June 2019 and I realized some hard truths (as I did in early June) and I decided to change - what would that change be? 

Full Moon Fast, again

RUN 3 miles, alone, 30 mins

No commute, took the bus 

I'm flying out tonight to STL, so I bussed it today. 

My head a mess, full of audiobook. My gut a lump, full of yesterday. Those oats...could take a while.

I walked after last night under the near full moon. Telperion. 

I promised myself to keep going and try again. What other choice is there? 

I feel depressed. Lonely. Failing. 

Full Moon Fast

Today - nothing yet, but I want to get to the gym.

Correction - I did COMMUTE 7 miles

No ride home today from LA, he's on his way to FLW. We had only a short walk this morning. No run. 

Today I'm starting a full moon fast. Correction - I started last night 8:10pm after some M of the last of the Orgain and keto granolola.

Correction - because of M, the last of the two items is gone. I wasgonna bring some to break the fast on Saturday, but, well, M was talking. 

So I'm only at 18.5 hours (that much?, feels great!) with only a few mild pangs. Happily the awful mood and foggy brain of the last two days are gone. 

In an odd coincidence, this fast will end on a full moon morning (assuming 64 hours on Saturday, I like to push in to a 72 and really feel the benefit, but I'll be with LA and kids and well it's hard to not eat). And, this fast will end on 1200 days of No Balrog! 

I didn't blog real-time the 63 hours I did a month ago, and I think this time I will. 

DAY 1

Typical morning, and so far typical day. I usually don't eat until I get home. Last time, the drive home was mentally AWFUL and I knew going home meant Nothing. I have some worries about doing this, will I make it, is it a good idea when I'm traveling, what will I do with the time? I wonder if I can eat the chicken in the fridge and still be fasting. I wonder what I can buy at the store to eat and still be fasting. NOTHING! 

I went home, 8pm, anxious, all failed. 

Done with Ruben

RUN 3 miles with LA
COMMUTE 3.5 miles? (assuming I get a ride home)

Another low mood morning, the conversation in the car after phone call yesterday has me distressed. Not to be recounted here, but it's been clanging around in my head overnight. Hard to sleep and think. So I wake up short on sleep (late meal, stress, late to bed) and I'm in an off mood. I just need to escape, it feels like. Escape from the pressures I keep getting. But there is no escape.

LA wanted to run so we did, 1.5 out-n-back. I didn't say much. It was an otherwise great morning, but soured by the 7am appt with Ruben. No LA, he had to leave, and I felt like the entire conversation was just dancing around what needed to be said. But it's not fair to talk about him when he's not there. Ruben asks questions, I'm not into answering and I'm not answering fully, and like I've felt before with him - it's a bit of waste of time. I'm not enjoying it - hearing about how I could be doing different and better. So it was a RELIEF to have him start to cut the cord at the end, and end the call early. He says "I have the tools to improve things, but call or email if you need anything else". 

YES. Done. No more of that. Enough going on in my head, I don't need someone else poking around in there. 

So I'm done - but I'll go back as a couple. 

Labor Day Weekend

Monday RUN 5 miles on I&M path with LA

Over the last seven days, 12.7 miles for me. I didn't run last night with LA. We'd just arrived to my parents and I wasn't ready to leave for a run. I visited, K&J were there too.

I really wanted to launch September better last week, but I didn't make it to the gym as I wanted and I didn't fast as I wanted. Fasting is something that worked and didn't work. I need to find a hybrid plan?

For $97 I can join a podcasts 7 day fasting challenge. But I read the daily learns and I'm not sure what I'd learn. And I paid $1500 in January to get help and, well, you can get all the helps out the ere but you need to ACT on the helps in order for it to work.

And after last weekend travel, this weekend travel, and now next weekend travel, I don't have an extra $97 laying around.

The OMAD felt the best on my gut, but hard on my energy and I tended to overeat at meal. I'd go to bed SO FULL and unhappy.

Really what I need to try now, since OMAD was too much, is 18:6 as 12pm and 6pm and limit to 30 mins. The reason OMAD failed includes the fact that I was eating for 2-4 hours. Ugh, full.

Last night trying to fall asleep I had a thought- that tomorrow (Tuesday after Labor Day) was the 6th, and the 6th was the day in 2018 that it all changed. And I thought WOW I can do it NOW and redo it and it's another chance for me, 6 years - no it's 3 - no fuck it's 4 years already. Four years. Lost? Lived?

I thought, 6th to the 6th, symmetry. But then I woke up and check. Nope. 2018 was the 4th, not the 6th. And I started to give up on the idea. DA FUQ?! Because the number is different ?!?!???

I can still set out to change. But change what. I'm always making changes.

1463 days. 209 weeks. 4 years and 2 days. That's when my perspective on live and my identity and my life overall changed.

I let it fall apart. It didn't have to, but I let it.

What would I do differently if I could do it again?

No M
No azuc
No Balrog
No punishments

Think on this. What can change?

Changes, finally. Good and Bad.

Monday REST! Evening walk

Tuesday STRENGTH 20 mins morning, COMMUTE half, RUN 3 miles evening
Wednesday RUN/WALK 2.0 miles morning

Thursday morning WALK, COMMUTE

Tired after arriving 3am Monday morning from St Robert. Doing what I can that day. Rough day at work as the boss gets after me for coming in late, missing Friday, and "coming in 10-11 and leaving middle of the day". Too many false statements, like the kids are told - don't fight it. We were going to RUN this evening but it STORMED on the way home and I just can't run 8pm and still go to sleep. 

Next day I did make it to the gym and LA and I did an evening run. Felt good! It was 6pm so early enough. Wednesday we had to drop off the car in the morning, we had time and energy for only a 2.5 ish mile walk/run. 

Thursday (today) the stress I've not been mentioning comes to a bit of a peak as we find out maybe what happens with the court orders. LA is terribly stressed, physically sick with worry, and I'm trying to hold together. But that's a separate topic.

Also yesterday, maybe another gall bladder 'attack', starting after lunch and ending overnight. I haven't been eating lunch or breakfast now for weeks, and the week I try eating a small lunch I get this?! Not encouraging. I spent the last few hours at work in misery, laying in the dark conference room to get some meditation in. 

Last night with the stress, a bit of M with Azuc. I didn't like it at all and threw it all away. I derived nothing from it. Today will be day 12 no M!

My energy today is low - can it really still be the low carb thing? I've been doing it for.... a month now...? Am I being honest with myself about it, that I'm really below 50g net? I'm just flagged for energy, even my commute today was lacking spark. And my right knee, back of it lower to the calf, still painfully tight. I thought it was from the right ankle being pained again, that I was compensating. And now my left hip/flexors acting up. UGH.