30 Days, New Moon

Monday nothing yet, ugh
Tuesday, same
Wednesday, stayed home and indoors, talking. Needed this
Thursday. again - misunderstood my hand appointment and lost time. Walked dog!
Friday barely a walk, and a long text conversation with LA about our schedules
Weekend of chores, LA studying, me eating, we did RUN about 2.5 miles Sunday, 

Monday woke up in a negative distracted mood. I'm frustrated, and projecting these frustrations and I really need to sort this out. Later. On the bus this morning, I looked for "30 days ..." books. Yesterday on the drive back to AA I was thinking about what books I can get on LA's Audible. 8 credits. In thinking, I found a yearning, a real need and pull, to find a something that gives me answers on how to get my life feeling like it's on track. Like, some guide with instruction and guidance. I have JBP books now on Audible. I've read all the Habit Willpower Change etc books and feel.... lost. Why can't I change? Why do I feel stuck? Why do I project my feelings of failure onto someone else? Like last night, when I got frustrated with LA's reasons/excuses to not be able to change, and here I need to make my own damned changes. Ugh. 

Ineffective day so far. Lots done. Nothing done. I want to go home, but I want to get soooo much done. I have a long list of books to read, currently Pride and Prejudice in my ear and I'm not listening. I just finished a waste on youtube watching the Black Stallion end race. Ugh. I can read and listen and research, but in the end it just boils down to Actions. 

My legs are swollen and my pants fit less-than-ideally. Frustrating. 

Tuesday Hand therapy and flu shot today. New moon at 4-something am. Wearing my pink shirt from funeral today. Don't want to die with the same problems I have now. The STL interview was rough yesterday and led to discussions of maybe not ranking stl. I pushed back and said I can't keep flip flopping and changing minds and changing plans day by day. He felt bad about the interview, but I felt bad that I wasn't in a state to discuss it. 1334 today, legs swollen and still chest (but not painful at least). Maddening to have this then still have M3 issues (yesterday +oat +oat +jam, but NOT date!!!! I put it back!!!). 

ETA I drank the bulk of my water before I left work, then didn't get to 8pm being a pained water balloon. But I still stood to eat, stressed, and distracted. Cold and on the phone.

Wednesday Ultrasound, talked to LA about the recent stresses, habit changes, and how I'm trying to deal with the uncertainties of this residency thing. 28 days to surgery, 121 days to Match Day. 432 days of M being gone. I've deleted Reddit, I've killed a Monster and a Balrog, I've changed my habits in many places. Yet I still struggle with changing M3, what more can I do??

ETA I repeated water, success. Had sit down dinner of 2x veg and turkey and acorn squash. Then +potato +butter +oat +butter +oat +butter +date +date. UGH. 1700+ No wonder. 

Thursday I need to get my schedule sorted out, twice this week went on the wrong day for therapy. Mood has come back to normal and upbeat. My weight is the same 1330. I'm meal planning today and seeing bread and peanut butter appearing, and I feel some apprehension about it. THINK on this. 

Friday One year since Sugar died, I realized that yesterday. I'm still having similar come-home issues. Now LA and I want to make changes to our mutual schedules. So I have a calendar on my desk, and he's trying to tell me I need less sleep. No. I need sleep. My gel just finished (and didn't work, don't know why). I need to get to the mouse house. But here I sit....  GO!