Last night - all the best SuperBlueMoon intentions, all gone in 24 hours. Well, not all. I did succeed in avoiding tupperwares. Oh, no, I didn't. Tofu. I came home to rushed face wash, gummies, 2' only of journaling, rushed RC and hummus and honey, phone call. So short. Well salad with phone (catfish, iroll) lead to tofu and tofu and hummus "measured" with a teaspoon, then onto meal prep and catfish and TVP with coconut aminos then with azuc then azuc then oats and azuc. As I was bringing the oats up, Lillian was there at the top of the steps. I wanted to stop. I didn't.
To get out, and as per goal, I went to target to replace 3 pieces of ill-fitting and ragged clothing. Total fucking fail. The size - small- is OK, but the fit is awful. I look terrible. OK, denial, maybe I should have tried medium (I looked, honestly, but they had only small and large). I left the fitting room in anxiety and self loathing.
I looked awful. I've been Blind to how I look, used my home mirrors. I'm in Denial that I looked bad, it just didn't happen yesterday. I Externalize by comparing to others "worse" than me. I'm stuck in the Rut of Habits that's causing this. I Know exactly what to do about it, yet I don't. I'm acting Faithless in myself, thinking that the rest of my life would be like this.
I realized this morning in my shower the difference between Blindness and Denial. Blindness is when you don't see the damage because you're just being stupid. Denial is when you know, but you do it anyway. For example - I was blind to the hummus because I thought I knew what a Tablespoon was. The Denial is in thinking that well hummus ain't that much, I didn't eat enough to cause a 2-3 gain and then realizing the denial is in forgetting that hummus comes with rice cakes and honey and repetition.
Reframe. Clean this mess up, and have nice meals. Puzzle has already figured out the meal plan. Learn from these mistakes, and use Puzzle to find ways to break the habit chain. Move, move out of Moria and move into a better life. Fly, away from all this negativity and habits and terrible thinking.
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