Tuesday, August 19, 2025

Failed. Start again at 67 days

WTF happened yesterday, it just seemed to fall apart. At work 740-4. Stupid commute home, not there until 5, frustrated and tired and headache. Moria with turkey "just some", then more, then I craved coconut oil, but mayo instead with a spoon. Then I thought I might as well just have some dinner, but not the chicken because of turkey, but then a bit of chicken, then I turned around and it was gone. Literally. I went to grab the tuppie, and..... where is it? Not in the fridge. In the sink. Empty. 

Multipolls surveys, to the point my eyes were tired. It was a perfect distraction in the end. A whole $0.75 or so of distraction. That's the reward. The price? 

Well since I ate everything before LA was home, all I had was half of my cocoa yogurt (ate grapes mindlessly instead) but added berries anyway, he wanted to watch the Newhart show and I agreed. And potato chips. In the bowl of the yogurt. Like a sick sweet salty chocolate disgust. Then a sparkling water. And I'm sick. Too much, too fast, too gross, too fatty, too much. I insist on my 45 mins walk, even though I already know I failed. I was debating - do I keep going past day 8 and still end on my birthday? But I stuck it out, I'm glad I did, the goal is not to end a 75 on the birthday, the goal is to change. 

On the walk I'm looking up local gyms, personal trainers. I've already tried this! (oh forgot the tsp spoonfuls of PB because I wanted fat, cry). Coach P. Noom. Loseit. Hamilton-almost. 
Why do I think committing more $$ to something will make it any different? If I can't get myself to stop eating PB and PC, why do I think I'd go to a gym with what little time I do have? 

I come home, frazzled, how can I change this? How to change the door to door to Moria? 
Not by signing up with a personal trainer. Not yet. 

1. Do a meditation in the car? A body scan? 
2. Come home to immediately walk the dog, don't even enter the house.
3. Change clothes, body scan, don't even enter the rest of the house. 
4. Have a super simple chore, stupid simple even. 

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