Tomorrow is 80 days, after 120 what has changed?!

I"m WFH today and it's a fucking struggle to sit the fuck down and be focused. At first it was chores - I felt like I could conquer the list and relax. Then meals. By 10am 1 and 2 and PLUS and fucking hell at 1pm I'm OF and looking at the log and wondering how in the hell I'll survive it   

survive? WTH WTF

How will I ever survive it you fucking drama queen of denial. Stop. Restart. 

OK a break. I'm back. For the past 120 days since ... I don't know... I've been focused on my bday as a goal for change. Then on 150 days in May same thing, I still have the 108 habits form for it. Then on 90 days, now on 81 days, This Is It. I'll Change. 

What, just like that? Snap? 

Sometimes I wonder at all the times I've thought this - hair cut, moon cycle, buy something, event, change of somethingorother that seems to mark a before and an after. As if - after this happens something will be different and there will be some magical shift of some sort. After this... then never again that. 

And I know all along, before and regretfully after, and before I do it again, and as I'm explaining away the failure - that the shift has to be ME. Not the moon, haha, especially not that, and not a marriage or a visit or a job or a pair of shoes. Or wisdom teeth or graduation or moving or a haircut or medical appointment or anything of that sort and these things have actually happened in my head.

And so what's happened yesterday was the "the kids' summer is over and now I can..." But sunday fails, then I'll start Monday. Then Monday fails and here I am today on Tuesday. 

I need to make the change. Not the moon phase (which I've started mostly ignoring) or the date or the Monday or the new year or anything like that. 

Remember the time in Wyoming, standing at the sink at the window with M, and dad is behind me at the table, and I still can't stop? Well, I did stop. 

Remember that time at work with the mason jar of azuc and Mike C walked up, and I had to keep what I had and I probably still have it? Well, that did stop too. 

I'm currently measuring and preplanning all meals. No more containers of cottage cheese or dairy. 
No more oats, rice cakes, dates, applesauce, PB, protein powder, FB, rice, sugars, flours, instant potatoes, chips -- all this changed in the last two months. Trigger foods, hate to say it but moderation was NOT working for me. 

So now what's left to change? B is gone. M is gone. Azuc is gone. But Moria still exists, and that's what needs to change, and sitting here now overfull and burping that's easy to say "oh yeah Moria I can avoid" but that's shit just an hour ago and it will be shit a few hours later. 

Why am I typing all this? Because I need to see the problem. Spell it out. Oh fuck that, I KNOW THE PROBLEM. I've been writing about it for YEARS. This blog is evidence. 

I want a podcast or a book or something with the answer. What Do I Do to Fix This? 

I checked out a few books from the library. I want to do a 75BeeHard going into my bday, with my rules, but what is that worth when I have a day like today that just blows up and I sit here wondering if next week I can do that baked high protein oatmeal with roasted bananas on top instead of what I have this week?  Protein powder...no!

Well I do need to fix the meals because it's not working. I eat so little during the day (why, I don't know why I set it that way) then come home HUNGRY and OF. 

I thought about this last night and here I am again thinking about it - change the meals so it's not 250+350+>700 meals structure. 

Current:

M1:150c greek yogurt with ~100g strawberries, 2 tsp fiber, and 50c seeds. =268c 

    Evaluation - small volume, not satisfying, not filling, not satisfying really

    Suggestion - move yogurt and fruit to end of day type of thing, or a snack

M2: 100c chicken salad with 80c mayo and veggies, = 345c

    Evaluation - this week awful recipe. Low protein and all celery

    Suggestion - double the chicken and half the celery, at least

M3: supposed to be 350c of deli meat and cottage cheese, extra chicken, roasted pepper/onion/potato

blended in with a snack that's supposed to be fruit and cocoa-fiber mix

Actual last few days is 546+451 dinner and snack, 612 +355, 700+163........

Meaning the 1300 goal is blown away into 15, 16, 17, 

So it's not working. 
Oh, and I wanted to review all the help I HAVE tried to get with failure: Jennifer McDaniel, noon, losit, CoachP, Whole30, BLE, and two other cardiology nutritionists, etc, 

I need to work. I need to change. 

I'm setting myself up to fail with that structure. Start with that. Now get back to work. Ugh.