Saturday COMMUTE 9.2
Sunday rest because my hips and knees hurt
Monday COMMUTE 9.2
Tuesday COMMUTE 9.2
I'm just so happy I can type in something that I did, that I went and detailed all those days. Because.
Friday was the start of a mental downward spiral that ended with me falling asleep near tears. Why? Fuck I dunno. I rarely cry. Tears don't fix anything. I felt helpless, I guess. I felt sick and nauseated and weak and pained, and it culminated into a mental crack.
Also on Friday I started reading Dr Google (Google is a she, so it was google-bitch) (and yes I know the dangers of asking Dr Google anything) about a potential source of my symptoms -- the new IUD. Placed last October of 2018, and while I can't say my symptoms directly correlate with that time line, it's something on the list of differentials.
I found many anecdotal stories from women playing themselves as victims of a fraudulent and lie-filled industry that covers the evidence of side effects and pathology. I'm terrible, I know, but even I read these stories and myself get sucked into the "omg me2" mentality. The symptoms they list only partially overlap with me, so I'm not fully convinced. But as a way to get myself out of this loop I emailed Dr McM (see Tuesday for update).
Anyway, I fell asleep in a low energy, negative, depressed mood with hip pain, almost no food because I felt sick, and still blood pooling in my ankle. Oh, and near tears. I woke up in a similar fashion, I felt sick after breakfast and just headed to work knowing that if I stayed home I'd fall in another trap of being sick and depressed.
Once at work, the feeling continued. I couldn't shake the mental sludge even with PCR. LA called and I didn't want to talk about it, it would just make it more real, but he pulled it out of me. I told him about the Dr L visit, (didn't mention the Dr McM results), the bike ride, the crash, the fear that "something is wrong with me". I'm such a wimp. Jeezus. A PanZee. JFC.
He took me to FoPa for a walk, exactly what I needed -- to get away from myself and my thoughts. First off a big hug. I didn't know I needed that. We walked past the spot I crashed, then back along the trail to the skating rink, stopped on a bridge and talked. He made a good point, many actually, one being that I'm too focused on this and stressing myself out. That innumerable biochemical reactions are taking place in my, that I can't control all of it, that I needed to just step back.
Ah. Perspective. TB is good for that too. Haven't talked to her in months....
Anyway, my counter to this is that I can't keep living this way -- feeling sick, having the now near-constant pain each night, the back-to-back injuries, the fear of the next injury, the inability to fix what is going on. Maybe it can't be fixed. But I have to try. In the meantime though, relax.
He took me to Kirkwood for ginger. Yummy! We sorta planned on meeting up later to just rest, but he had homework and I don't want to get him in trouble. I didn't eat much for dinner, still feeling sick, I'm not even sure I ate dinner actually... He' ask: are you OK. Answer: Yes. Ask: are you sure? Answer, no. Ugh. Hate this.
Sunday back to work, and later shopping. To my surprise, I did get and didn't sabotage myself like I normally do. WIN. Oh, and this was DAY 2 OF NO M. I'm calmer.
There's a definite correlation between my mood and my gut condition. I'm not sure which comes first -- do I feel sick then I feel mental? --or do I feel mental and then I feel sick? I'm sure there's a feedback mechanism though -- once one starts the other feeds off it, then the other feeds off that, and so on.
Monday. All day Sunday I didn't feel sick, and the same all day here too. But I was a bit mental, I wanted to be alone and did the mouse house weaning on my own. Didn't eat much all day and felt better for it, but low energy. Returned the key fob to JonT at the Soulard gym (finally) and delivered a SCOBY to him, Walgreen's again for the prescription fix, and was going to go to Jay's to buy bok choi (recommended by nutritionist) but my mind kept skipping to buying ginger candy and persimmons instead. Ah...a hint...don't go to Jay's. IT'S A TRAP! Haha. So went to Schnucks and to my total amazement walked right by the problematic chocolate (problem because nutritionist says 'eat more' and I instead use it as a meal replacement) and bought ONLY GREENS. ONLY. OMG.
And I was tempted by the cho in the truck, but threw it out instead. OMG. Day 3
There's a definite correlation between how much I eat and how I feel for the next 1-6 hours. I can work that out, experiment, and find the balance.
Tuesday. Repeat of Monday -- small meals, not much food but feel GREAT. Heard back from Dr McM regarding my IUD question. I like her answer! I did OK with the first Mirena, I don't have other estrogen options because of my "cardiac history", and menopause?! She mentioned a test for FSH, and yes I'll do it! And I'll read up more on menopause.
Day 4.
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