COMMUTE 2 miles, to from Fo Pa
BIKE 70 mins and 17.9 miles
Felt "off" all morning, I slept in and the time change and the fact that it was dark and raining in the morning, and the appt with Dr L and the fact that I didn't feel like swimming or walking or biking or anything.
Mental case.
So I did walk the dog and leave to run appt to the vet and the library. Happily I resisted a halloween treat from the vet, so tempting but silly to log that in my nutrition log, now that I have accountability there. How would I justify that? While waiting for the library to open I got my walk in around the Hampton neighborhood, only 25 mins but listening to Jordan Peterson with Joe Rogan was great. Then with some extra time got milk for my kefir and more eggs since I ate the rest of my hard boiled ones with brekkie. I got some dark chocolate as recommended by the nutritionist. This seems silly to mention but it does come back to the story later.
I'm happy bouncing into Dr L, hoping I can run but having a weird feeling about it. He asks about my load -- what I've been doing and I say walking and just tested some biking, no bone pain just the hip flexor-area pain. He asks if I'm looking into the metabolic issues (he'd made that recommendation in my last appointment) and I said I'm working with Jen McD. Said I'd only met with her last week, not really into big changes yet, but she pointed out some deficiencies. He said this was good, that I have some "inflammation" somewhere causing problems (I put that in quotes because that's such a buzz word thrown around and it's so different from what I see as inflammation at work and it seems like such a meaninglessly used word nowadays for something "bad") and I need to get that worked out. He works on my hip, quads, etc, everything does feel better and the pain from the pressure actually felt good.
At the end I ask, can I run again. Answer was no. FUCK. He said things need to get to where there's no pain, to where when I do run again I don't start damaging things because the muscles can't hold up. He'd like to see 30 days of perfect nutrition between now and the next appointment, then decided.
By this time, my head is spinning. I hear what he's saying, I say it's motivation, I act OK, I talk to Debbie on the way out, but all I hear is a drowning buzz of panic. At the truck I check my phone find the results from Dr McC posted, those aren't good either. The buzz grows, in surrounds, it's all I can do to not scream and cry out and punch something. But I act OK and drive off.
And in a moment of stress I grab for the chocolate bar, it's in my meal plan I figure so why not. I was told to "eat more dark chocolate" but I don't think they meant like this, haha! I drive back to campus and most of the bar is gone, some in me and more out the window and I got tired of it. Then in a moment of self punishment I threw away and ate and M the rest of the other bar. Self punishment in that it made me feel sick afterwards. The rest to the garbage. Self punishment in that now I wont' be hungry for my real meal of salmon and blue-cheese olives, the real food I'm supposed to be eating in this 30 days of perfect nutrition.
5 minutes into my 30 days and I self sabotage it. Now I'm really extra sick to my stomach. I bike into work up the hill and my coworker could see the stress. I'm pacing in the lab. Back and forth and fretting and sick and buzzing and panicked. Decided to start my PCR then go for a bike ride. PCR then Tool in my ears and out, the goal three loops.
I wanted 3 loops hard. I wanted to feel my heart pound and threaten another heart attack and I wanted to dance with the chance that I'd have another and I wanted to feel it crack open. Then I'd have a REAL reason that I couldn't run, not this fake reason about being deficient in copper folate iron and calcium because that's such fake fuckery and it's not the reason why that's just what they say.
I'm in a whirl of emotions. First loop is just the opening act and I'm loving the sunshine and the sound of blood competing with Fear Inoculum in my brain and I'm waiting for some hurt -- heart or otherwise -- and some reason to stop but I can't and no hill or headwind or heart attack can.
Finally in the second loop I get what I needed. I went down in a turn on some gravel. I wasn't going fast, I didn't try to go down but I needed it and enjoyed it and got back up in a second and took off again knowing that in the 3rd loop I'd take that turn to the Victorian bridge just as fast and just as stupid and just as dumb as before as if to prove I could. I don't hurt, I don't feel anything.
I'm not trying hard enough. I tell myself that when the moon changes and when my birthday comes and when the moon changes again things will change but they won't. They won't change until I do.
I feel like control is taken from me by all these doctors with their diagnoses and meds and tests and results and mandates. But why do I fight it when I could embrace the changes and advices and what they say and take control back from them by making those changes my end goal and instead of fighting what they say I could fight the issues instead. Don't be mad that Dr L says I can't run, but be mad that I make lunch a chocolate bar. Don't put energy out uselessly in a manic stress frenzy but sit back and flow chart your way into good decisions. There's nothing wrong with the chocolate bar, it's HOW I ate the chocolate bar in a way of saying FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU I'm going to do what I want within the bounds I have they said I could eat chocolate so I will and besides who binges on salmon and olives?
But I don't gain anything from it. Here I sit typing like crazy to think this through while my left hand bleeds at the knuckle, my elbow tingles from whatever damages I did to it, and my left knee swells and bleeds through my torn black yoga pants. I needed that. I didn't need it. I'm going to run anyway. I'm going to be perfect the next 30 days. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Think and come back to it. See if your PCR worked. Check the mice. Get something to drink. Take a breath.
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OK I took a 1 minute breath. Not what I meant to do. I can't stop thinking. My heart still beating from the bike ride, my hands still shaking. I still hear that buzz.
When I walk my left hip hurts, the pubic bone, but I know that's in my head.
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I want something. But I don't know what.
I want to escape, from what I don't know.
I want to go somewhere else, but there's place I want to be.
I want out. I want more. I want less.
I think I just need a nap, haha!!
Come back to this later. Right now just get calm.
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