Monday - I woke up telling myself that last night's mistakes don't have to happen again today. I do my chores and clear up a bit of mess. I'm at the gym when I get a text from LA about his ex wife. The next hour or so is me spiraling from this - the stress of that situation is one I need to get out of. I set some goals this morning of working on Blerch - the current face of Monster (18 days!) - and that includes No Blerch During Dinner. Airplane mode in another room. He was there for last night's disaster, he's not fully to blame (it's me), but he's not helping me.
I'm reading books now on stress, anxiety, decision making, and addictions. Soooooo much I could write here, but is this the place for it?
At the gym this morning, I saw another woman on the treadmill and I realized that I probably used to look fit like her, and now I don't. I realized then that a lot of my unhappiness with myself comes from missing how I used to be and look (at least in my mind) comes from seeing what I think I used to be and wanting it back. Last night was incongruent with this goal. Comparing myself to others is not a good way to be in the world, and I didn't used to do that. I was confident in me, and didn't look to others for inspiration or motivation or comparison.
Hennepin is this weekend, my goal since 2019 and it's slipped out of my grasp. It did that long ago, and I have only recently accepted it.
I keep thinking this week can be my reset week. Focus on Me. Write the goals out, write the Past, Current, Future Self exercises, work through the addiction stuff.
Today already the stress of the ex thing (she just forgot some paperwork) and the stress of mathing out that I've spent just over $1840 just in September alone on travel.
I need to set some boundaries. Work on that today. And learn more about the attachment styles I started reading last night.
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