34 days, 10 more. Emotional. Trail Run. Reset.

Saturday RUN 5 miles on the DTE trail, Green loop!
    STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PUSH

Sunday STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PULL

Monday (today) YOGA?! and STRENGTH 15 minutes abs

    COMMUTE 3.5 miles

Today will be 11 days of no M. 

What a weekend. I have 34 more days until goal. On the bike ride in this morning, as I'm turning off Huron onto Glen, I realize that Dec 25th is probably going to be the real deadline/goal. How can I change so much in just another 5 weeks?

My disappointment of seeing 10 to go this morning hurts. I knew all weekend, it's palpable and noticeable and heavy. But it still burns. I'll come back to this.

On Saturday I cracked emotionally and let spill out to LA my insecurities and the coping mechanisms. The lack of self worth, the feeling of not loving myself, the pain of not liking who I am or what I see. This has been going on for how long? At least 2019. 2018. 2017? Yes, at least that long. 

What don't I like? Well for starters, this isn't my body anymore. It's foreign and ill-shaped. The picture LA sent me yesterday of me bathing the dog only cemented that idea. That's me?! It's sick. That's not the image in my head, the image of PastSelf or FutureSelf or CurrentSelf. It's all wrong and I'm all wrong and I just can't.

Well, that can be fixed -- the outer appearance. And before the crack and before the picture I'd already decided to go back to the gym as a dedicated habit. Saturday was 15' elliptical then 30-35 minutes of arm burning. Sunday was more of the same. Last night a few mins of yoga, more today before an abs workout. If I don't like how my body feels or moves, that can change. 

What more don't I like?  This isn't my brain anymore, sometimes, it's like another personality as replaced me. LA said over the weekend it's like a cognitive dissonance (I'm not sure I really understood what he was trying to say) but he said it's bravado about running and at the same time I say I can't run. Well that's true - the feeling of an old habit I get from being on the trail up against the weak muscles and cardio. He might have meant something else but here's what I take from it:

-- That I'm living two separate ideas. I say I can't run like I used to, then I'm all happy on the trail running. Why not just accept that I used to run a lot more but now I run less?  I say I can't eat certain foods, then I try them and they're OK. I say I'm full and don't need more, but then instead I continue until I'm beyond full and unhappy. 

I can't run, but I can run.

I can't eat that, but I eat it.

I'm full, but I eat more. 
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm this and I'm that and JFC. 

No, I'm not all that. I'm just fine. 

I want to change all this. I'm ready to change. I dislike change, but I need it. 

Goals today:
1. After 12, before 8.

2. Prepacked, stick to it so no CO.

 just stop