I just did the math...

RUN 4.3 miles in 45 mins. None of the pain in my right foot that I felt earlier this week. 
COMMUTE 3.5, more?

...and calculated that since Monday I've consumed 3400 calories of "off" foods. As in, foods that according to my health and my goals - I shouldn't be consuming. 3500 once I calculate in the peanut butter spoon that I forgot to include.

What The Everlasting Fuck!? Earlier in the shower, after my weigh-in shows stagnant changes, I chastised myself for thinking change could happen when NO CHANGES ARE MADE. {BTW, I'm now a full week with out the Monster!}. I paid someone 1500$ to help me change and I did the math on my fingers - since about this this time in April -- May June July August and now September -- I'm STILL trying to implement CHANGE.

I'll give myself credit for continuing to try. But fail after fail. Just 2-3 days ago I'm like "25!" and here today what has changed to get me there? Nothing. Except instead of losing 5-7 pounds it's now 8-10. 

I also promised myself, in the mental midst of the above thinking, to find 3 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I ran 4.3 miles and although my left hip wasn't perfect, I was able to run
2. My eyes enjoyed seeing clear sky streaked by silent vapor trails, and they enjoyed seeing a squirrel scurry hop ahead of me, all things that would be so hard to describe.
3. I had a good BM, but refer below to oatmeal as to why, but I'm "on schedule" and sometimes that's big win for me.
4. I'm grateful that we don't have to travel yet again this weekend. 
5. I'm grateful that LA and I were able to run 1.6 together.

I'm NOT happy about:
1. Listening to an audiobook about brain connections and neurology and the feeling of disconnection, while I DISCONNECTED and binged yogurt while staring at my phone, when I wanted to fast today.

Let's break that down. How did it get to that point? I felt off. Flat. Lonely. Anxious about I don't know. I'm post run, post shower, post weighin. Hmmm.  I'm in the kitchen packing lunch - 3 eggs and no mayo because I had a high carry over last night. I decide "rice cakes, well there's only 2 in the package and I could put butter on them and that could be filling, and then my energy might be better this afternoon". 

Instead, I proceed to eat the rice cakes. They crumbed while trying to put cold (but measured!) butter and I thought "well it's just a mess to pack, I'll eat it now". Then, "well I can't eat just carbs, I'll get hungry! I'll have some yogurt". Then I ate yogurt from the container, putting salt everywhere, while staring at the same Pinterest posts in my feed the last 2 days. I mindlessly ate. More, more, more. 

Then a startling memory of Carry Over. SHIT. But I'm zoned out. I want more. I want salt. I want disconnection. 

Then I realized I need to do the math - that I'm not counting the yogurt. Here I am at work, stressed, having trouble typing, thought dumping (that at least is a good thing), panicky and anxious, and I did the math: There's about 1 serve left of the Fage, but 400 uncounted. There's about 2-3 serve left of the whole yogurt, but 460 uncounted. That's some fucked up ED math. 

THEN. I did the math of how much dairy and carbs and off foods I've eaten this week, because I know that those two food groups are pushing out all the other foods.

Since Monday, 3500 calories have come from those foods. 6500 total calories, and that's over HALF. HALF OF MY FOODS THIS WEEK ARE SHIT. STOP! 

The problems, and the solutions:

Yogurt - Binge-able food in big containers. Unsatisfying in little containers. There's nothing inherently wrong with the yogurt, it's the way I eat it this week. ----> Measure it out into tupperwares and top as desired. It's OK, just not unmeasured. Limit dairy like this to a pre-measured 150-200 a day. Not the current average of 400 a day in cheese and yogurt. (I'm not counting butter here). 

Cheese - I rando cut chunks off a block unmeasured. I even salt the chunks. Sometimes I put butter on them. All unmeasured. ----> Stop the cheese. Just stop. or make it part of the meal. 

(I just had another realization - that since I'm 300 behind on the Fage and maybe 100-200 behind on the Whole yogurt, that's is MORE than 3500).

Oatmeal - the garbage (I did this once I woke up today with my brain saying "but ooooh just keep one serving at least) (then later my brain said, we can buy more) (then later, we can make a rule to only use it in savory recipes) FUCK. Garbage. Then I realize the hotel serves it, and I think that maybe on those weekends once a month it will be Ok. 

Rice Cakes - These aren't so bad, it's HOW I eat them. Unplanned. ---->find a way to make them part of a meal, egg salad on top or something. Give it a try. 

Sugars (Fuck, were those in my calculations?) - azuc (to the garbage yesterday) and then yesterday molasses. ----> well it's in the garbage. Don't replace it by buying more. And leave LA's candy alone! 

And what the fuck happened to waiting until noon? Last two days, that's been out. Why am I so stressed?