This could be the day...I fight back the demons

This is just a catch-up post for June.

My bullet journal mantra/cover for June is "This could be the day you stop doing that self-destructive thing you do". Found in late May, hung on to it. Felt kinda odd putting that "out there" like that, anyone looking at my calendar will see a mini version of that on each weekly page.

But it's time to get upfront on this shit. I'm tired of feeling sick. Feeling sorry for myself. For using the past as an excuse. For focusing on me so much, like I'm somehow different. For limiting myself based on what the voices in my head say about me. For seeking approval from all the wrong places. For waiting for things to happen for me. For expecting others to fill in gaps for me.

Done with it. Each month I lay out 30 or 31 goals for the month. This month it's tidying up the stomach issues (this whole mental issue with the "hard truths" came after the 30 days was laid out).
The plan is to track what I do, see how it effects me, eliminate some potential dietary issues.

Oh JFC I'm still bullshitting myself. I also added a 3x3 grid to track my demons, purple and yellow, the 9 nazgul in my head including Blerch, Balrog, Devil, and Monster.

But now I have this new demon, this mental victimization demon of self doubt and coping mechanisms. Really, the 9 demons above are probably the coping mechanism for this self doubt.

I told myself if I could go 3 days with no M, I could sign up for Badger. Today (Monday) is day 3! Then what for Hennepin? The rest of June? Hate to have the race sell out.....

But no urge for D or M or Balrog. Blerch is having internet issues at the dining room table, jeez that should make things easier for me, right?!

This post didn't really delve as deep as I'd hoped it would. Let me incubate on it. Still too new to spell out. And still waiting to see what comes of yesterday's text exchange.

NUMERICS  16:36 hours! Doesn't include bike commute time, but does include the long Memorial Day ride.
BIKE 126 miles
RUN 45.8 miles (on goal!)
COMMUTE 29.6 miles

That adds up to 200 miles yo!