If he could wave a magic wand...

RUN 2 miles early morning, with LA. We're both tired!

I didn't commute by bike, tired! And just not motivated to. Happily, nothing hurts. Just sleepy and tired. 

If he could wave a magic wand...

So many things. I'd like to just KNOW that what I'm doing is working. Not wonder, and doubt. I'd like to see results, instead of stagnation. I'd like to know that I can change myself, and not just keep trying the same things over and over to no apparent success. 

I'd like to be back to pre SCAD, to that Christmas picture from 2016. I was smiling in that picture!

But behind that smile, M was still lurking. Not active, but latent. I still had doubts then. Still calculating and wondering and planning. Remember the spreadsheets for Kansas?! No, I don't want that again. 

Looking back, I don't really want to go back, I need to go forward. I need to set a new standard for success. And I think what I'm trying to say, is that I've been "trying" now for almost 260 days and don't see forward progress. I feel stuck. I feel like, why did I change so much to get nothing more from it? And I'm referring to more than just M. I'm referring to the eliminations that so far haven't eliminated anything.

So what do I want?!