Goals for the 3 months of coaching - get honest

ELLIPTICAL 10 plus 20 mins
STRENGTH 20-25 mins, pull day

I did some new-to-me exercises, including one I didn't like (self conscious about doing it right, not sure I was doing it right, and just tired after yesterday's run). I watched videos, slowed down, and felt OK.

I am TIRED from yesterday's 10 miler, but not as tired as I'd thought. The fatigue is whole body. Last night I fell asleep early and slept great. It was back-to-back of longer training days.

Training peaks says 27.9 miles of running last week!! How? 5+1+4.4+5.4+2+10. Shazam. 
And I did 8:45 hours, which doesn't include commuting time. 

I'm thinking quite a bit about the upcoming meeting on the 23rd for the coaching. In my essay, I wrote about my history struggles and fears. In the intake form I answered similar but different, I hope this doesn't seem to confusing, but if I'm confused now, how will I be able to explain it next week? 

Start a list of what my goals will be - to clarify and keep on track. 

To start:

1. I spend way to much time thinking about it all. And it distracts me. I come home - Moria calls. I get some with something - Moria calls. I say "I need a drink" but really - Moria. I'm bored, tired, avoiding - Moria. It's a fucking time waste, a distraction, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I doubt my decisions, I'm paralyzed by information, I don't believe I'll ever see progress. For the rest of my life? 

2. I miss who I used to be, and want to be that person again. And I live in this stuck life, carrying my sins like a punishment. I see my mistakes in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I think about it. More too I feel like I've tried so hard to change but I don't, I don't see progress or movement in the right direction. I keep a pendulum between two ends of a short spectrum and only briefly last April saw real progress. 

3. I'm living in conflict. What I want and what I do. Who I was and who I am. I feel like I'm not ME. I'm in the wrong body. I wish I could be what I once was. But that once was is only a partial - do I really want to go back to M? Think about it -- the garage Lara, SAL bcream, the blue/white canister at Compton or the jam jar at lab. Really? No, that's not what I mean. IM. SavageMan, long training and long races, all day activities. 

If I could wave my magic wand, what would I want?