TGP solo ride, and H100 stress begins

 RIDE 20 miles in about 1:20, 3 intervals all about 17:20-something

No commute, I drove to get some walking in before my long drive to AA for the weekend! I don't have much to say about the ride, so I'll instead focus on how just thinking about H100 has already hit me.

I experienced my first H100 2021 stress last night, it started to lead to some M shit (btw - M is mostly gone since June 10th, just over 70 days now, he appears in moments like this) where the feeling hits and starts but aborts. That's how I know there's some stress -- M.

What's the stress? Well it's a blendy of excitement and secrecy and doubt. This is exciting, a GOAL, a reason, a motivation. The secrecy because I'm realizing I can't (and shouldn't) tell anyone about this at all yet. The doubt because I was on this path previously and fucked it up and had to get off in shame.

And that's why I can't tell anyone yet. 2016 ended with me having finished 2.8 100-milers (Farmdale and Kansas) with a fractured calf bone and a torn hip labrum. I had lots of family support at Farmdale and I felt in the end that I wasted their time in not being able to finish the race. 2018 ended with me in cardiac recovery, leading into a rapid-build into a 2019 100-miler at H100 that aborted after the Badger 100K. Also lots of family support at Badger -- again some twinges of guilt. An odd guilt, that guilt of "you're supporting me  but should you?" I dunno.

Anyway, if I tell anyone at this point, it sets up expectations for myself. It prompts others to say "are you sure" type things that plant seeds of doubt, and I'm already doubting myself based on my previous attempts. It's GOOD that I doubt myself, it will make me work harder and smarter. But the "others" doubt is the bad kind. I need the support like my Bee Hive gave me at Badger (maybe feeling guilty is not the right word for how I feel).

So stress Thursday night, then to add to it I wake up Friday and realize: how will I do weekend back-2-back long runs if I'm out of town every weekend?! This woke me up out of bed! That was easy enough to solve, just re-arrange the schedule. 

I spend part of Thursday afternoon sketching out a plan, I'll finish it later. First, a weekend in AA.