I can't change the past, but I can change the meaning of it. And, I can chose Who I Want To Become

 Coach Patrick post. Just finished a few podcasts including the "how to change your past" and "defining who you want to become", paraphrased kinda throughout here. 

I'm stuck, at least that's how I feel. I'm stuck in a loop of unable to go back to who I was Before and unable to go forward to be who I want to Become. Who I was Before is easy to define: I was healthy, fit, ambitious, fearless, unstoppable. Who I am Now is: I feel unhealthy, my fitness is improving, I've lost the ambitious drive, I'm fearful of injury and change, and something as simple as my dog throwing up is enough to stop my day.

But who I want to Become is a different question, and so happens to be pretty undefined. At the surface, I want to be the Before Bee again - I want to saddle up for a run or ride and just crush it. I want to be able to roll out the door not concerned with what injury or illness or life stress is on my mind. 

But I've romantisized the past. I really didn't just roll out the door carefree. I had my share of injury and illness. I can break up the past into segments and see the similarities and differences:

Pre 2013. Cuz let's be honest, that's when it all started. I was Savageman, post-IM, ultra running. I was spraining my ankle a lot. The stress of pre Disney had my health in pre-decline. 

2014. Although my health was in decline, I was a rock star that year. MiTi and B2B. I used to think Bee 2.0 born here. Maybe my life really hinges on this year, not later as I initially expected. M was here too. 

2015-2018. I had plenty to worry about. Recent Disney, ongoing M, upcoming hip surgery, past fractures and medical appointments. Let's be specific. Disney. Brachial nerve injury. Compression Fractures. Celiac shit. Rib fractures. Stress fractures. 

Then heart attack, this is where I thought my life took a turn. It did. Maybe it's two turns total. Bee 3.0.

2019-2022. It started with HA recovery and nose dived into a mental hell. M all over. M all day. My body and mind changed in ways I struggle to recover from. I became fearful, hesitant, on-edge, distrustful. I started thinking the world was aligned against me. And that's me today. 

So when I say Before, I mean when? 2016 - another rock star year full of running and M. Sure I was injured, I was running on a torn hip and ran so much I stress fractured my fibia without knowing it. But I didn't give a shit and just kept going. 

But did I really? If I were to review 2016 would I find it all sunshine and roses? Or would I see spillage of M and mental anguish and problems like I have today? That's a good chore for this weekend - go back and look at 2016. Sure, I raced and ran a lot. It was my last "normal" year of life before everything took a turn. But really, was it so perfect?

And that's the past. Before Bee. What about Becoming A Baddass Bee? Who Am I Becoming? My assignment is to work on this! Really think about it and define it, with the goal of remembering my future and not remembering my past.