Change Butterfly

Saturday RUN 3 miles with LA in St Robert

It was a low mood run for me, I was upset with how the morning started. It's not for discussion here. I'm told it's my fault for not speaking up. Second day in a row this happened (yesterday work) so I guess it is my fault.

This is a good topic, when thinking about change. Both situations might have been avoided if I was more up-front but as a people pleaser I tend to stay quiet instead. What needs to change? Just speak up and say what needs to be said. Especially at work.

I spent the run limping in uphills with my stuff ankle and trying to leave my resentment about feeling like I'm just ordered around in the gravel dust that coated the weeds along the road. What better place to leave it - in the ditch.

Oddly, the ankle hasn't hurt much since the run. What's different? Usually it hurts to move again after a period of sitting or inactivity. Less walking? Is there something about sitting? No, it also hurts getting out of bed, but not now the last two days.

My mood was bad late last week and into today (Sunday). I blamed dehydration. Depression. Then a monthly cycle as again in the last week of the month I have water retention, swollen chest, moods, and this time some spotting. Bloody hell, haha. Not much at all but enough to see a pattern.

I had planned a longer 42 hour fast Thursday into Saturday but my super low mood and energy had to be addressed. Now looking back I'm wondering if hormone flux had a role. But I stopped OMAD and went to 16 or 18 over the weekend with the kids. Still low carb, barely keto if that. I wan to try going back to OMAD, but every day? Or better to switch up days? I dunno. Do I feel better for not doing OMAD or because my hormones are not peaked?

What a confluence of things this weekend. Today is day 8 no monster. Almost anniversary of Sunset (I drove the bike course today). 1000 days since LA moved in. New Moon all weekend. We just drove through a thunderstorm and if I peak behind us in the mirror I can still see the flashes of lightning.

One at a time. Won't it something when I can come here and say No Monster for 1000 days? May 17, 2025. I might be living in StL again by then. All week Monster might cross my mind but there was no desire. Even with all the low mood and energy. It was also a week without any PB! True, true, unrelated?

1000 days with LA and then this weekend is stressful. Both of us, back and forth. Travel and kids ain't easy. My mood weren't easy. I needed … I don't know … But why do I get so bent? I feel stupid or incompetent with some things he says. He could say it nicer, with love instead of with edge. He has his stress (starting again with a letter we found in my postal email after leaving AA), yet we don't always click and work together. Always love, and strong opinions.

Fasting. I'm not sure it's working yet. I did learn a few days ago that OMAD does not mean a 2-4 hour window. It means 0.5-1 only. It seems stressful. I'm changing monster, keto, workouts, now fasting. Slow down, or monster will come back!

The workouts will be almost daily (another travel week for Labor Day, ugh, will screen it up) (but I crossed out the 3x strength and 3x base cardio to 2x only this week) and another stressor. My goal of fasting? I dunno. But nothing was changing. Body composition. Gut issues. Energy levels.

Change it. Try 18 most days, with 1-2 24 and a 48? Get keto first, or at least get close. I was doing this in 2018 before Sunset. I'm still trying to fix me.

I don't want to still be doing this in 2025. Or 2024. Or 2023.

Change butterfly. Stand up for yourself.