I finally did it - run commuted to work! Easy to do on Sunday when I only had a few minutes of work to do. Get in, get out. Don't linger. OK, I lingered a bit. But got stuff done. It's not a great route, but it was the "medium" way, I could have taken the bike commute and been less trafficked.
It was my second run this week, for a total of 14.25 miles. Not the 20 I'd planned a few days ago when I tried to re-work my schedule. Not the 40-something that's been in my schedule since this started. Not the Toledo Marathon I planned on running today.
On the run I listed to more of the Wise As F$ck books, and in a chapter about loss, I realized I'm grieving a loss. I've never thought of it that way. I may have to listen to the book again to get exactly what I'm supposed to do with that realization. But I think it has something to do with accepting it and not wallowing in it.
I'm grieving multiple losses, multiple levels and I need to think on it more. I'm missing my marathon. I'm going to have to accept that I'm going to miss the 100 miler.
Regarding the 100 miler. My long runs are flat, I don't have the energy. Where is it? Instead of fighting that question, let's just accept it for now. And when my running does build up, I feel some of the old aches and pains from before.
I'm out of energy and I'm not biking. I have Puppy ready to ride, but I just don't feel it yet. I don't bike. I don't ride Bird, so the weather can't be an excuse. I don't swim. I don't get to the gym. It's become run-run-run only. I'm going down the same hole I went down before.
I can't do that again. Nope.
And speaking of not ever again - M. 40 days now clean. Is that another loss I'm grieving? More like celebrating, but I'm grieving the loss of the coping, the dopamine, the release. That, I will get over. I can accept it.
I'm grieving the loss of a life that's gone. This ended up in a long email to LA, spilling out in a random flow of thoughts and sputters of revelations. I didn't have details, just grievances and frustrations. I didn't have solutions either, and without solutions I'm just gonna stay stuck.
The summer schedule is different than it used to be, I'll have different commitments and schedules and responsibilities. I need to accept that.
Somethings I realized on my run today.
1. I need to drop to the 50M or even the 50K. I need to accept - that my body is not ready to go from 0 to 100 in a year, my schedule can't accommodate it, and my life has changed. I know these things, but knowing is not accepting.
I'm looking forward to biking with kids, running with them, running while they back, mornings at the track and looking for 5K races they can do. S expressed interest in that, and I'm excited by it.
2. I need to sell off my of my triathlon gear, I don't know how or where yet, but I'm not a triathlete like I used to be and don't need all the gear and storage. Someone else can use it. Because right now, it's just a reminder of what I used to be, and not what I am now.
3. Private for LA, haha.
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