I ran 6 instead of 10, but kept thinking I needed to run 10

RUN 6 miles in a few seconds under 1 hour, again, felt faster than that

My old 100 miler schedule would have had a 10 miler today. The new plan reduced to 50 miles has only 6. "Only". I gotta drop that word. 

The 6 felt great and refreshing, and here hours later I don't even feel the run. Like it didn't happen. So that's a good thing, it was easy and not a tough workout and didn't drain me. Save that for the weekend runs. Which, by the way, is 16 miles. 

I kept an alternate plan in the calendar too, a shorter-training version that say11+6 miles this weekend. So I'll see how it goes. I'd rather do the 16. I'm still not into the 20 weeks of the training plan, but I picked 16 a few days ago as part of the ramp up to the first week, which starts with a 16+6.  

I talked to LA last night about my feelings of "grief" about the loss of my athletic life. The conversation didn't go well, I thought he was more focused on his feelings and he thought I was acting to offending him. This morning, he started off by asking what he could do to help me process through this. And that right there, was what I needed, not to have the problem dissected or fixed for me. 

It's my responsibility for how I feel, as Gary John Bishop reminded me in the audiobook - you live the life you're willing to accept. And what you accept is your responsibility. I'm not looking to LA for answers and solution, but I'm looking to him to know he will have my back no matter what way I go in this. 

Sometimes I get the urge to sell off my triathlon gear, so it no longer reminds me of what I don't do anymore. Maybe at the least, I could pack up the memorabilia but that doesn't bother me as much as the Bird sitting unused on a trainer. Then we talk about moving back to STL for residency, and TH talks about doing Sandusky only 2 hours away in Ohio, and I begin to wonder if hey maybe I can do triathlon like I used to and maybe I should keep the bikes and gear. 

Sometimes I want to change my goals entirely, and just be a short-distance running-for-fitness type. A voice in my head tells me that's the lazy way out, that I'm just picking the easy route with less friction. But the voice in my head that used to tell me to Go For It, All Of It is quiet and not competing out that voice. Where is that voice? 

I'm listening to the Marc David podcast and today's talking to a 45-something athlete who is grieving her former body and self. That she's pulled back into the past of what she used to be, and needs to let it go. He recommends writing a letter to her old self, I dunno if that's what I'd do but maybe it's something I can think about. 

In the meantime, my week is 4+6+4--16+0. Next week is 4+6+4--19. And somewhere in there, I need to get some biking (my pansy-ass didn't commute today because "it's cold") and strength training. I'm doing 2 mins of flexibility every day, that much at least as part of my shift to being more well-rounded.