Decide what you want for yourself, and commit to it

 LA says he wants to run tonight. I'm not sure what the plan is. I don't like not having plans, and I don't much like running after work, but really it's just a run. 

But for now the notes from what is my last call with Coach Patrick - the last at least of the initial 3 month commitment. I told him about the "failed 20 miler", and as expected his perspective is much healthier than mine. 

I've turned it into an identity crisis - it was just one bad run that I didn't finish. Yet I've built up a story around it and created the drama. I'm a failed runner. I can't finish a marathon. I'm not sure I'll be able to run 100 miles. I'm creating the stress in my head. 

That sounds too simple to be true, and even as I hear it and type it and think it, I still have trouble believing it's true. My mind continues to come up with "yeah, but...."

The thoughts around this should be neutral. They should be focused on what I learned, and what I can take with me going forward. So what did I learn? I learned that I delayed around the house and didn't leave until almost 10am because I "had chores to do" and I "had to eat some eggs so I'm not hungry" and etc. So by not leaving until 10am, I didn't leave myself enough time to finish without the stress of "will I finish in time to do everything else I need to do?". 

Also, I was delaying the discomfort by waiting. Delaying the hard run, delaying signing up, delaying paying for the race and traveling to it, delaying as a form of self-sabotage. 

Also, I was running alone, and I've been delaying the process of finding a running group to bond with. I've been delaying until April was over for months now. Signing up for the race, finding run groups, getting my bikes out of storage, all waiting until April was over. 

Well. It's over. Now the next phase. But first let me finish with CP.

He said, just showing up at the start line of a marathon or ultra takes guts. It's blood sweat and tears just to get there. It takes self confidence to commit and show up, and that self confidence comes from self trust which comes from sticking to the plan you made for yourself. 

And that plan has to come, from what you want from your self. And that's what I need to decide right now. What do I want for myself? Do I want to run this marathon on Sunday? Do I want to run the half mary? Do I want to run either distance, or even a "make up" 20-miler this weekend here locally? 

Stop making last Saturday's run into a Something, and replace it with what you want for yourself.