Happy Birthday Bee!

 SWIM 1050 yards at WH pool, 200TT at 4:15 

Happy Birthday to me!  45 years old, I've cat'd up too but since there are no races going on, it doesn't matter!

So here's my annual birthday post. What a year it's been -- COVID, protests and SJW types, prez elections. But as for me -- LA moved in, got into med school, moved out. I'm finally facing my Dragons, or at least I'm recognizing that I have them. 

This past year has been a whirlwind. October through December I was recovering still from the pelvic bone injury. I feel HARD into old habits in November, I was falling apart as I spent a few months working every single day, all day, unable to be home alone. I had days in November in which I completely fell apart -- M and stress and sabotage. Then Thanksgiving and LA, then Spaceballs then the Russian Restaurant. And from then on -- everything changed, at least on the outside. 

In December we went to the east coast, and I learned that I can successfully travel and I'm not so limited. In January and February I realized I could go with him to med school, this was an up and down period, his success and my fear of him leaving. In March I was sick for a week immediately preceding COVID shutdown, and I came back to a new world. No family, no travel, no co-workers, no shopping. Really my life didn't change much -- I didn't go out much anyway -- but life had completely changed. April and May - cleaned up his house by FLW, and June was my last month with him here. July was a bonus month as plans changed, then he moved. I came back in August alone to an empty house. August was also when I started "training" again, not just light running but a real *plan* with swim and bike too. August, September, and now through October we still see each other each week. The meeting, the leaving, the together then alone, it's stress then calm then loneliness then love. 

And through it all, of course, M. Up and down, stop and start and stop. Like for years. This response to stress, this coping mechanism in my head. As of today, 10 full days without. It's there, it will never really be gone, but I don't have to listen.

What I've been listening to instead, are the voices of Yesterday, which I found a week or so ago. 7 active voices, plus a silent one, plus the current listener. As per Rule #4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday -- these are my Yesterdays. 

What a weird thing to think, but it helps to know that the stronger person I used to be is still me -- just lost somewhere. From 2014's MiTi feeling of invincibility, 2014's B2B smiling no matter what, 2015's KM100 denial into change, 2016's unstoppable strength, 2018's renewal, late 2018's getting lost and slipping into the depths, to 2019's full submersion into the deep, so Deep I found a Balrog and monsters and dragons and they all came at me. 

To now. 2020's bee. I've clawed my way back up, my fingers on the edge. The monsters still there, some banished back to the deeps, but still below me. I'm stuck in Moria still, and I need to find my way out. 

So my goal for the next year, find yourself again. Leave behind everything here and find a new start. You are still the person you were yesterday, all off them good and bad. The silent voice, that's the voice of the future, and what will that voice say in one year?