A letter to the Bee, from the Bee. Yes, a conversation with myself. May or may not publish this. But I looked at 2015, 2014, on this date to see where I've come from in the past few years.
In 2014 I was fresh off of B2B, my birthday race. It was still a time of 'suspension', I was in limbo and waiting for things to sort out. In the end, they sorted out for the better!
In 2015 I was recovering from my hip surgery, also in a state of limbo and waiting. The major period of stress was behind me, I had a new home and a new life starting. I went for a bike ride with RM and CT to Sylvan Springs park to watch CX racing.
In 2016, it seems I'm still waiting. but on different things. Earlier today I signed up for R2T 100, so that waiting is over, now it's a matter of waiting for the race in 4 days. I feel like my life has been on Pause since Farmdale ended a few weeks ago, as if I'm just in suspension...waiting...for...?? I think waiting for that conclusive feeling of having finished my race. Like I'm waiting for someone to hit the Play button. I have a feeling that will last until the conclusion of R2T on Sunday.
I'm also in transition for other things, life goals that I don't discuss here on the blog. Kinda odd that I don't discuss them here, I put lots else in here about mental issues and goals, but not this other stuff. I"m doing an October OptOut challenge in which I "quit" the internet -- no surfing new, forums, wastey apps like NextDoor, etc. OK to check weather, maps, emails, and needed reference info. OK to update my logs and blogs. I'm also limiting time on the phone and screen unlocks. This has been one of the best things I've done! I can't imagine how much time I lost to staring at a screen to see what stupid thing Trump said this morning. I have my podcasts for news, and right now they are filling that void, and I depend on those probably way too much.
I also started a challenge of sorts last December, un-named, but I was working on my Purple and Yellow checked boxes like from my beloved PYP. Easily stated, harder to obtain. It started out simple with about 10 goals, it's built and refined and expanded to many more, most of them like little nudges to break bad habits. Some of my habits were coping mechanisms to deal with stress, solitude, uncertainty, and the like. The stress may have abated but the habits remained. Like staring at a phone for distraction, like mindless and numbed eating and living, like not bonding with people around me. It's a work in progress.
My reward was a new DVD. In the spring I got the Smaug one! Next up was Battle. Each month I'd say "This is the month" I'll learn Battle, but each month fell short. Improvement was slow. September was bookended by new moons, thought that would be a neat trick and called it my September Shift, but missed. October the same -- a major race and cool moonage. But it looks like I could fall short again but Oh So Close. As of today it's a 2 point differential.
Wait...wasn't this a letter? Well anyway...
While I'd be disappointed to have to extend into November I probably will anyway to prevent the WTH and backslide effect. New habits can fade fast, and stress really leads to a backslide even if the stress is something minor like a schedule change. That's just an excuse really.
So, Bee, why are we here? Because I want to encourage you to stay the course. Keep trying. Never give up, and never lose site of those end goals. I'm not talking about a 100 mile finish, I'm talking about winning the Battle of the Five Armies, so to speak. This Battle has been ongoing for 20 years in some ways. Look back at those first memories, how long ago they were, how painful they were then and still are now. Twenty years, Bee. You're 41 years old today, do you want to be updating this blog in 20 more years and still be waiting on the Battle to be over?
And look at how far you've come since those first days of the Battle! How many things have changed, how dedicated you are to those changes, and how they improved life and happiness. These new changes will be the same. The hardest ones are the last to change, as evidenced by the fact that 10 months later they aren't fully eradicated!
Change won't happen overnight, and relapses can occur. These aren't failures, that's something learned recently. Like the tattoo says, Pick Yourself Up, and Fly Away.
This has been my best month so far in some aspects, and the worst in others. Some habits are won over, others have come raging back and torment. I can still finish this month strong and overcome the doubt and pause-feeling I've had since Farmdale.
I'm a sucker for coincidence and moon omens. October started with a new moon on the 30th of September, and not it just so happens the next new moon is on Oct 30th at 12;38pm. My race will be done by 12:00pm. One way or another by the time of the new moon I'll be done. And a sequence of 1238 is a favorite number of mine. Not sure why, I love 3 and 8 and I've used this 1238 number in passcodes in the past. Coincidence, I know. Meaningless, probably. But still.
This day can be a benchmark for me. It can be when the Play button is pushed and my life goes on. I can leave these habits behind and build on my new foundation. Seems to me I'm putting a lot of pseudo-importance on all this! But still, it's just cool to me. And I gravitate towards that stuff.
So, Bee, here's a reminder from previous Birthday posts: All we have is the time that is given us.
And here's a quote for 2016:
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the present.
--Babatunde Olatunji
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