Weds Masters-why you got to be so mean?

SWIM: 45 mins 1600 yards.

This was the first swim indoors and wow what a change. I miss the big pool, but I seemed to have more anxiety in the big one. Wonder why?

I wanted to swim but I didn't want to swim. What the hell does that mean?

So in that vein, I was up early but still didn't leave early. Which means I was 15-20 mins late to the swim. It starts at 5:15 but I show up at 5:35. The outer pool door had fallen shut and locked, served me right. But CHG let me in.

He pointed me to the 3rd lane. GULP! No, I said, they're too fast. He didn't say anything but he didn't have too. I think he chose that lane because it was less crowded. CHG booted LC from the 2nd lane (and I gave a small cheer) and I explained that if everyone around me is faster I get anxious and lose my form. (whatever form I do have). He said I shouldn't let that happen.

But I do. I let it happen all the time. And now I'm seeing it as part of the big picture. I get nervous in the swims if I'm slow, I get wiggy if I fall off the back of a group ride, I get my heart rate up if I feel the group pulling away.

I used to say that I'm not a competitive person. But in the past few seasons I'm learning otherwise. I'm not competing against others, I'm competing against my expectations of me. I think I should be able to do "x" pace based on what others around me are doing. So this that competing against others? I need to rethink this. Maybe I am competing against others. Is this good? Bad?

I thought my swim was anxiety ridden because I wasn't getting any better and because I thought it was a personal failing on my part. But I do I swim better alone? I did a few laps after practice once the lane emptied and I did feel more relaxed. But I didn't swim as fast. Which is better, a comfy swim, a fast swim, a charged go-go swim?

I finished the swim OK but a bit dizzy. That's a problem I thought I'd solved.

I meandering here.