29-er. But a rough time getting there

Friday RUN 3 miles in 36 mins
Saturday full rest
Sunday RUN 10 miles, treadmill sadly

Friday I was still wiped out tired. Depressed, apathetic, flat, antagonistic, overwhelmed, clumsy, mumbly, dead-brained. I had lunch with LA, and it was so struggly to just walk there and talk. So afterwards I put out a message to my new PCP. I've put out a similar message to Dr A in 2020 - these cycles of intense fatigue and depression. See what happens. 

I got a letter last week that Dr A is retiring in April. Hope he's still racing. 

But by Friday afternoon I knew that *not* getting my 3 miles run in was making me feel worse, and in that morning I'd had the great idea of not going to the gym and instead running from work - outdoors. I wore my running clothes all day too. By 4pm, I was stir crazy and anxietied and although my gut was heavy and unhappy, I MapMyRun'd a 1.5-mile route and went for it. The long "hill" around the NE of the hospital started my gut to getting worse and by 1 mile it was a slog, and I knew I needed to find a bathroom. I didn't realize how badly I needed the bathroom until I walked to BSRB and -- well -- let's just leave it at that. I felt somewhat better, and pushed through a second loop. Then another bathroom visit. And once I was home 3 more like it!? Nauseated too, thought maybe some bad food? 

I'm glad I did the run and the second loop, mentally I needed it. I was OK with walking, I told myself that if were the race, I'd walk. 

Saturday we were both home for the first time in ...?  and he cleaned up the garage, I did house cleaning. Then errands which included a hair cut, then we sat by the fire to warm me up. 

Sunday morning I woke up from an awful dream in which I was at my parents house, and had to organize a wall of colorful crates that were empty and unneeded but there, then I was outside and a bear nosed me up into the air and I screamed and fell, then I was in the bathroom unable to go to the bathroom and then a rocket or meteoroid thing flew by the window in a billowing smoke stream, and by then I realized I wasn't going to get my 10  mile run in because it was getting dark, and I awoke totally relieved to realize --it's still Sunday morning and I could still do my run!

But the morning got busy, and I started my meal prep. Anxiety because I felt there was so much I could get done and I had this one day to do it. But moreso because I felt awful - squeezing head feeling, unfocused eyes, heavy watery gut. The fatigue was much improved, but still there. I promised to do my run at noon, then 1, then by 1:30 I was out the door. By then, we'd fixed the gray round chair, he'd cleaned up the girls' room, and he was doing a lot. I think to try to make me feel better. It did!! It was a relief, and I need to say that to him next.

The run was a slog. My gut was heavy and bloated, my energy flat. I'd eaten too much - no carbs though - but still all that fat/protein was there and my already-unhappy gut wasn't having it. I wanted to walk and walk, and drink and drink, and even eat more. I was a mess. I was tired! But I did it!!!!! There was no celebration, only in my head. 

I came home to LA in an unhappy mood because his fruit syrup spilled in the truck, he was managing his stress by eating. I make the same mistake sometimes. I M'd on the chocolate bar he had. I set up some sales on the ND site (the blue kitchen art thing I didn't like) and he was unhappy that I'd sold it. Then he was unhappy that the watercolors gift he'd ordered wasn't to my liking. He's buying me professional expensive stuff - I just need time and tutorials and practice! I can't get him to understand that more stuff is just more stuff and I don't want more stuff!!!! But I need to understand his POV as well. I'll work on it. 

Tomorrow-- rest!