But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.

 Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out all the clearer.

RUN 6.5 miles in ??

SWIM ETA: 1000 yards!! 4x: 100, 75, 50, 25choice. Squeaked the last lap in as pool closed. 

This Tolkien quote was in my daily puzzler this morning. It was a quick solve, I recognized it right away.

Yesterday was a load of stress for me. I woke up after sleeping in (stress, "nothing is done"), left late for work and walked into a mini lab meeting, sat there feeling like in a vise while boss and coworker talked about how we're 'finally positioned to do some real science and answer the big questions' the boss has been asking all his career. 

Then I had to leave early, for feeling sick and guilty, nauseated and RUQ pained. Packed up the bikes and drove out to SBR for the new saddle installations. Then a meeting with my new realtor. So a lot got done and answered, but the day was long and took a toll on me.

Today, I woke up to run. Fielded the stupid phone call from the bank about investments review, got to work, ordered garmin, called dr office about UTI-ish symptoms, now I'm helping coworker with his assay. And obviously not working all that hard, because here I sit typing away in my thought dump site. 

I'm putting some time into my bullet journal. Setting some goals. Not really work. Just trying to distract myself.

Yesterday's stress response has LA worried, he's seeing this for the first time. How do I explain to him, what he thinks is "easy", for me is pulling the rug out from under me and flipping my life over. Everything will change. I don't do well with change, I like the Order, not the Chaos. I like knowing what to expect, I like the lines on the road, I like the rules of the game being followed. New job, new house, new city, new life. All at once. 

I guess I did all that and more in 2003. But since then my confidence was stripped away and replaced with doubt. Accusations of "controlling and selfish", am I? Accusations of "unwilling to improve", improve to what? Accusations of "not good enough", "not pretty enough", "not smart" enough, not enough for whom? 

This stress is uncovering the fact that I haven't recovered from those stinging accusations. That I wasn't enough for someone else's standards of "enough". 

This bumps up against a common debate with LA, when I tell him that he can't expect that other people will act in accordance with his standards of "enough". In the back of my mind, I'm like, here I go again...measured by another person's standard of "enough". His standards are way more harsh, how will I measure up to that? 

Since those accusations years ago, I completely reeled in my own expectations, removing them from review by others. It became no one else's business, so to speak. I kinda quit trying, if I'm not good enough already then why bother. 

Ugh. This goes no where. Like LA also says, focus on what's actionable. This above? Not actionable. Go for a run or something. Get to work. Swim later. But stop thinking.