What is it I want, anyway?

SWIM 2600 yards in 60 mins, 8x150 MS as choice
Rain, no bike commute

I woke up on time, had my veggies pre cut and nuked, but still ran slow all morning. The times just disappears! It was raining, and I think this derailed my train a bit. Had no idea it was supposed to rain. Good think I worked on the roof yesterday.

Walk the dog, mental spinning. I'm supposed to swim, as per my plan. I'm supposed to call Dr L, as per Jeff. I'm supposed to bike to work, but it's raining. This just clogs my thinking, a sort of decision paralysis. I want to swim, but I'm running short on time for being so slow. It's not that I don't want to call Dr L, but I don't want to "waste" $$ and I don't know how to fit it into my schedule.

So I get home from the rainy cold dog walk (and I have furnace turned off, so I come back to 59F house, not that cold!) and lose momentum. Played with the dog as per plan, just a few mins. Then got stuck munching a meal. Finished off a serving of pork. Went for me, planning half of another piece of pork but then did the whole piece. Pre-swim! Do I want to be sick in swim?! Am I still going to swim?!

OK breath. Think. Gotta figure out schedule. Call Dr L, and fucking-A the office is closed! So it wasn't even a factor in my day!!! Ugh. That's decided. OK I gotta drive in because of relatively heavy rain, so that's decided. I'm going to swim, decided. Off to gym, kinda late at 8am.

My head was all a mess in the swim. I'm having moments of really missing the past. I think back to what Used To Be. In 2014 I was training for hours in this pool for MiTi. In 2014 I was biking way more than 21 miles on Saturday. I was marathon tapering. In 2015 I was building into KM100. I was strong, sure, yet unstable in 2014. My health was declining. Same in 2015. So why do I look back and think of those as the Glory Days of training?

I looked over my blog training notes once I got to work. (oh, the swim went great. 800 WU with every 4th choice, then MS 8x150 as 2x through pull, kick, swim, pull, the CD to 60' total). Four years ago I was logging lots of hours, happily plugging away. And it struck me just how much I has NOT changed in my mental issues. Blerch and Monster were frequent visitors. They still are, four fucking years later. I had doubts about my swim ability, trouble finding morning motivation like I did today.

Happily I can report that the gut issues that really ramped up 4 years ago are mostly gone, replaced by other problems mostly in my head. That was a relief to read, good to see the progress I made on that front.

But one thing I'm going to think one: What Do I Really Want. What do I mean by that? Hmmm....  I feel like I've lost my identity over the past 4 years. The factors that I defined myself by have changed. (A few hours ago, I used the words 'taken from me', so progress there). I was a married, healthy, socially active, athlete who was fit, strong, and sure. Life is entirely different now, better in many ways but I'm missing some of the ways that are gone.

I want to be certain of my body, that it will repair and rebuild. I want that feeling of "I can" to get me through any workout. I want to kill Blerch and Monster (he popped up again yesterday, fucking hell). I want to get with my friends, see them and plan and ride and run. I even kinda want to date again, but not really dating but more like having just someone I can share stuff with.

OK, I've recognized and acknowledged. Incubate on this, come back when there's a more concrete list and maybe even a plan.