SWIM? WasGonna, Did I?
BC 2 miles in from Fo Pa
I was supposed to, er...rather...I was planning on swimming this morning. It didn't happen. Lazy. Tired. What was the excuse this time?
Met with Jeff this morning, first since a week ago. I didn't bring up my activities like I normally do. Usually I'm so happy to report a run, how it felt and the cadence and other data points. Not today. I walked on the treadmill until he asked. I thought I had an answer ready, I didn't. I couldn't get the thoughts out.....thinking....I wanted to give a mostly emotionless answer, one based on observation and info instead of feelings and fears. I think I failed. I said "I understand recovery is peaks and valleys. I'm in a valley".
Then went on to describe an overview of symptoms and schedule. I'll put it here so I can see the facts and review later if needed.
Symptoms: hip is pained at night, popping sometimes when I walk. My right ankle was popped out earlier in the week and although it seems better now in that regard, now it's got a tingly pain. My lower back is quiet until I try to bend over, like to get something from the fridge. My neck hurts into a headache and mid-upper back.
Schedule: swim and bike last Saturday (he pointed out that 20 miles was probably too much too soon, I stupidly tried to argue otherwise, skipped the Sunday run, swam Monday, brick with short run Tuesday, Weds swim, (realizing now I didn't even mention my commute miles), then I admitted to running yesterday, 2.8 miles in a total of 5 miles covered.
It's hard to look back, to remember everything and admit to my stupids here. But here goes. I said I don't know why I ran yesterday, even though it all felt good especially once warmed up. I said I'm swimming because it seems like all I can do sometimes even though that's what cranks my neck. Yes, I probably biked too far. Ok. I biked too far, the evidence is there not in the distance or time but in the PAIN I felt in the ride.
I said I'll probably run Sunday, because, just because. He said it's not a good idea, and I AGREE with him but I'll want to run BECAUSE. I can't explain it.
He asked about dr L, said I called but the office closed, he said Dr L had a trip to Boston. I said when I got the closed office message I took it as a sign that I didn't need treatment. That wasn't supposed to be said out loud.
So he warned the session will be shorter, I sagged and said "that's my punishment". That wasn't supposed to be said out loud either.
The session wasn't really much shorter. It was just right. No pain, no discomfort. Alone I never would have stopped at that. I would have kept going!
I tried to calm down, tried to relax. I don't think I succeeded. I tried my breathing meditation, counting, anything to turn my head off . It was like a hamster on a wheel faster faster faster only faster until WHOOP control is lost and WHIRL the hamster loses control and FLIP-FLIP-FLIP until he spills out of the wheel.
He successfully distracted me with a NYT mouse study, which in the end only served as fodder for more mental whirling as I jumped on that track and ran with it off topic and off rails.
Stretching was extra tight, I couldn't relax. I guarded and tightened up. Yes there was some pain, but not that much more than usual.
He said, you're building a multi room (or multi story) (does it matter?) mansion, not a single room house. I need a foundation. My increases in volume will peak up and drop down to baseline, and the peaks might not change in height for awhile. And the goal is to no drop the baseline level.
So this has been my chant in my head now. Trying to crowd out the "you skipped your swim you lazy bum" and the "you don't hurt that bed Jeezus Christ HTFU" and "you just find whatever excuse you can".
This pain voice....not a team player. Suppressed for too long, now it's happy to be heard? Problem is now I'm so afraid of my body I can't trust it. Oooh that hurts...OMG I'm broken again....or am I lying to myself....I should run anyway just to show that yes I can run...like an itch to scratch...but if I run will I ruin all my progress....what have I done to myself with that bike ride... Ooohhh yeah this is mental.
In closing, he said he was going to give Dr L a heads-up that I would be calling for a Monday appt. I joked he's like the anti-Blerch, the good voice on my shoulder. BUT. He's not a mental therapist! I feel dumb dumping on him like this.
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