Solo morning, fast clear run

Tuesday RUN 3.1 miles and COMMUTE 7 miles
Weds RUN 4.2 (39 mins) and no commute

I'm still in solo week. All me and my choices, kinda nice but lonely. I had another bad dinner last night (so much CO) that today has to be a clean-up day. 

My run felt fast and light and clear (even though only 9:30 m/m ish) and although I didn't do the 5-7 miles of hills the plan indicated I'm still happy. This was a back-to-back running, and no notice of it or issues. I feel like this pace better suits me, I have better running form and less niggles afterwards. 

Still yet this week - a 4 miler and the long run 8 miler. 

I'm focused right now on anxiety reduction, decision making, and future thinking. I'm trying to frame today as what FutureBee or TomorrowTracy would like to have happened. Another way to think it through is "how would FutureBee do this" but I'm not there yet. I realized this morning that my "5 Goals for Today" on my schedule is actually my way of thinking into the future. I plan out what I'd like to have happen for me in a day. So I kinda started already. 

Future Me would like to not hurry--rush breakfast like I did today. I was hungry and hurried and stressed to get to meeting and I couldn't talk to the kids as they wanted. So I took some PB, then some yogurt (was supposed to be for the dog!) and them my lunch (because of CO I couldn't eat it today). I manged on PB then yogurt then tore apart the lunch some to dog some to me some to garbage. Ugh. THen I'm too full. Then I wonder, what about lunch?! I bring oatmeal, measured, and leave it in the truck. That way I really have to be hungry, not bored!

Future Me would rather these things are planned and packed in advance. At the least, an index card of options to rush through. Because if NowBee could have spoken up 2 hours ago, it would have said "ooh just wait that's gonna sit bad with all the stress". Ask me how I know. 

Solo week into Hennepin

Mon STRENGTH pull day, did 2 sets but more reps than before

Monday - I woke up telling myself that last night's mistakes don't have to happen again today. I do my chores and clear up a bit of mess. I'm at the gym when I get a text from LA about his ex wife. The next hour or so is me spiraling from this - the stress of that situation is one I need to get out of. I set some goals this morning of working on Blerch - the current face of Monster (18 days!) - and that includes No Blerch During Dinner. Airplane mode in another room. He was there for last night's disaster, he's not fully to blame (it's me), but he's not helping me. 

I'm reading books now on stress, anxiety, decision making, and addictions. Soooooo much I could write here, but is this the place for it? 

At the gym this morning, I saw another woman on the treadmill and I realized that I probably used to look fit like her, and now I don't. I realized then that a lot of my unhappiness with myself comes from missing how I used to be and look (at least in my mind) comes from seeing what I think I used to be and wanting it back. Last night was incongruent with this goal. Comparing myself to others is not a good way to be in the world, and I didn't used to do that. I was confident in me, and didn't look to others for inspiration or motivation or comparison. 

Hennepin is this weekend, my goal since 2019 and it's slipped out of my grasp. It did that long ago, and I have only recently accepted it. 

I keep thinking this week can be my reset week. Focus on Me. Write the goals out, write the Past, Current, Future Self exercises, work through the addiction stuff. 

Today already the stress of the ex thing (she just forgot some paperwork) and the stress of mathing out that I've spent just over $1840 just in September alone on travel. 

I need to set some boundaries. Work on that today. And learn more about the attachment styles I started reading last night. 

Feeling more normal, but again getting disrupted; New moon

Weds RUN 3.2 miles with LA after work
No Commute

Thurs STRENGTH Push with just 2 sets, and 15' elliptical WU
No Commute!

Fri RUN 3.5 miles solo before work. Saw a squirrel get hit along 7th! 

Sat RUN 6 miles of hills in the Ozarks

Two more runs this week - 3.5 and a 6 (that should turn into a 6-7 with walking), and now I'm debating if I should travel to MO with LA tomorrow (Friday) or not. He's gone all next week and back Friday, so while I'm looking forward to having "my" schedule for the week, I'm realizing too that "my" schedule now involves him. Sure I can just go to the gym if I want when I want and etc. I can run the errands I want. The phone calls with kids I hope will happen, and they can happen more flexibly than a fixed time. 

Updating now on Monday the 26th: 
We left Friday afternoon for MO, driving overnight and sleeping 2.5 hours in a parking lot near Washington MO. There was so much stress for me Friday morning - should I or shouldn't I go - and the emotions of that lasted all weekend. I think they're still here.

Saturday we drove to Ozarks and LA found a cabin. He ran 7.9 and I ran 6 (separately) and I found some great hills, a loose guard dog, and I think a sassafras tree. 

Sunday back to STL to catch my flight, then back to AA house. During this trip, the New Moon, and new promises. 

I broke the promises in a few moments, oats PP PB RC, and again I'm stressed. 

 

Stuck to some of my plans

RUN 4.2 miles solo, 42 mins

COMUTE 3.5 miles

LA wanted to run last night, but I wasn't up for it. So I stuck to my preferred plan of running in the morning. It's lonelier, I don't walk as much (and I might could walk more), but I feel better in the morning runs. Today the sun was directly rising along Scio Church, making for a blinding glow down the street as I ran east.

But some of my other plans, I only mostly stuck to. 12-8 IF succeeded, M1 succeeded but M2 got messy as usual. And for some reason CO seems to make my mind think the day can't be salvaged. Huh? 

I played with my new watercolor pencils last night, and before bed drew some more in the 30 Days to Drawing book. I think a coffee cup, and a pyramid, and ...?  This morning I did a better coffee mug and started a tree. I slacked on the tree and switched to drawing a cocker spaniel from Aurora's book. Then the tree, doing a much better job using contour lines to show the branches going into or out of the page. And right before I fell asleep I was able to read a non-phone library book on insulin discovery. All good!

Yesterday morning I did yoga and abs, tonight my goal is more yoga or at least some stretching to undo some of the leg and hip tightness. And oh my upper body and back and still sore from the weekend strength training! Give it another day, then more!

34 days, 10 more. Emotional. Trail Run. Reset.

Saturday RUN 5 miles on the DTE trail, Green loop!
    STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PUSH

Sunday STRENGTH 30-some minutes of PULL

Monday (today) YOGA?! and STRENGTH 15 minutes abs

    COMMUTE 3.5 miles

Today will be 11 days of no M. 

What a weekend. I have 34 more days until goal. On the bike ride in this morning, as I'm turning off Huron onto Glen, I realize that Dec 25th is probably going to be the real deadline/goal. How can I change so much in just another 5 weeks?

My disappointment of seeing 10 to go this morning hurts. I knew all weekend, it's palpable and noticeable and heavy. But it still burns. I'll come back to this.

On Saturday I cracked emotionally and let spill out to LA my insecurities and the coping mechanisms. The lack of self worth, the feeling of not loving myself, the pain of not liking who I am or what I see. This has been going on for how long? At least 2019. 2018. 2017? Yes, at least that long. 

What don't I like? Well for starters, this isn't my body anymore. It's foreign and ill-shaped. The picture LA sent me yesterday of me bathing the dog only cemented that idea. That's me?! It's sick. That's not the image in my head, the image of PastSelf or FutureSelf or CurrentSelf. It's all wrong and I'm all wrong and I just can't.

Well, that can be fixed -- the outer appearance. And before the crack and before the picture I'd already decided to go back to the gym as a dedicated habit. Saturday was 15' elliptical then 30-35 minutes of arm burning. Sunday was more of the same. Last night a few mins of yoga, more today before an abs workout. If I don't like how my body feels or moves, that can change. 

What more don't I like?  This isn't my brain anymore, sometimes, it's like another personality as replaced me. LA said over the weekend it's like a cognitive dissonance (I'm not sure I really understood what he was trying to say) but he said it's bravado about running and at the same time I say I can't run. Well that's true - the feeling of an old habit I get from being on the trail up against the weak muscles and cardio. He might have meant something else but here's what I take from it:

-- That I'm living two separate ideas. I say I can't run like I used to, then I'm all happy on the trail running. Why not just accept that I used to run a lot more but now I run less?  I say I can't eat certain foods, then I try them and they're OK. I say I'm full and don't need more, but then instead I continue until I'm beyond full and unhappy. 

I can't run, but I can run.

I can't eat that, but I eat it.

I'm full, but I eat more. 
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm this and I'm that and JFC. 

No, I'm not all that. I'm just fine. 

I want to change all this. I'm ready to change. I dislike change, but I need it. 

Goals today:
1. After 12, before 8.

2. Prepacked, stick to it so no CO.

 just stop

I just did the math...

RUN 4.3 miles in 45 mins. None of the pain in my right foot that I felt earlier this week. 
COMMUTE 3.5, more?

...and calculated that since Monday I've consumed 3400 calories of "off" foods. As in, foods that according to my health and my goals - I shouldn't be consuming. 3500 once I calculate in the peanut butter spoon that I forgot to include.

What The Everlasting Fuck!? Earlier in the shower, after my weigh-in shows stagnant changes, I chastised myself for thinking change could happen when NO CHANGES ARE MADE. {BTW, I'm now a full week with out the Monster!}. I paid someone 1500$ to help me change and I did the math on my fingers - since about this this time in April -- May June July August and now September -- I'm STILL trying to implement CHANGE.

I'll give myself credit for continuing to try. But fail after fail. Just 2-3 days ago I'm like "25!" and here today what has changed to get me there? Nothing. Except instead of losing 5-7 pounds it's now 8-10. 

I also promised myself, in the mental midst of the above thinking, to find 3 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I ran 4.3 miles and although my left hip wasn't perfect, I was able to run
2. My eyes enjoyed seeing clear sky streaked by silent vapor trails, and they enjoyed seeing a squirrel scurry hop ahead of me, all things that would be so hard to describe.
3. I had a good BM, but refer below to oatmeal as to why, but I'm "on schedule" and sometimes that's big win for me.
4. I'm grateful that we don't have to travel yet again this weekend. 
5. I'm grateful that LA and I were able to run 1.6 together.

I'm NOT happy about:
1. Listening to an audiobook about brain connections and neurology and the feeling of disconnection, while I DISCONNECTED and binged yogurt while staring at my phone, when I wanted to fast today.

Let's break that down. How did it get to that point? I felt off. Flat. Lonely. Anxious about I don't know. I'm post run, post shower, post weighin. Hmmm.  I'm in the kitchen packing lunch - 3 eggs and no mayo because I had a high carry over last night. I decide "rice cakes, well there's only 2 in the package and I could put butter on them and that could be filling, and then my energy might be better this afternoon". 

Instead, I proceed to eat the rice cakes. They crumbed while trying to put cold (but measured!) butter and I thought "well it's just a mess to pack, I'll eat it now". Then, "well I can't eat just carbs, I'll get hungry! I'll have some yogurt". Then I ate yogurt from the container, putting salt everywhere, while staring at the same Pinterest posts in my feed the last 2 days. I mindlessly ate. More, more, more. 

Then a startling memory of Carry Over. SHIT. But I'm zoned out. I want more. I want salt. I want disconnection. 

Then I realized I need to do the math - that I'm not counting the yogurt. Here I am at work, stressed, having trouble typing, thought dumping (that at least is a good thing), panicky and anxious, and I did the math: There's about 1 serve left of the Fage, but 400 uncounted. There's about 2-3 serve left of the whole yogurt, but 460 uncounted. That's some fucked up ED math. 

THEN. I did the math of how much dairy and carbs and off foods I've eaten this week, because I know that those two food groups are pushing out all the other foods.

Since Monday, 3500 calories have come from those foods. 6500 total calories, and that's over HALF. HALF OF MY FOODS THIS WEEK ARE SHIT. STOP! 

The problems, and the solutions:

Yogurt - Binge-able food in big containers. Unsatisfying in little containers. There's nothing inherently wrong with the yogurt, it's the way I eat it this week. ----> Measure it out into tupperwares and top as desired. It's OK, just not unmeasured. Limit dairy like this to a pre-measured 150-200 a day. Not the current average of 400 a day in cheese and yogurt. (I'm not counting butter here). 

Cheese - I rando cut chunks off a block unmeasured. I even salt the chunks. Sometimes I put butter on them. All unmeasured. ----> Stop the cheese. Just stop. or make it part of the meal. 

(I just had another realization - that since I'm 300 behind on the Fage and maybe 100-200 behind on the Whole yogurt, that's is MORE than 3500).

Oatmeal - the garbage (I did this once I woke up today with my brain saying "but ooooh just keep one serving at least) (then later my brain said, we can buy more) (then later, we can make a rule to only use it in savory recipes) FUCK. Garbage. Then I realize the hotel serves it, and I think that maybe on those weekends once a month it will be Ok. 

Rice Cakes - These aren't so bad, it's HOW I eat them. Unplanned. ---->find a way to make them part of a meal, egg salad on top or something. Give it a try. 

Sugars (Fuck, were those in my calculations?) - azuc (to the garbage yesterday) and then yesterday molasses. ----> well it's in the garbage. Don't replace it by buying more. And leave LA's candy alone! 

And what the fuck happened to waiting until noon? Last two days, that's been out. Why am I so stressed? 

Thursday, another mental mess up day

COMMUTE 3.5 and more? 
RUN? 

Yesterday I completely rested, I went to bed with really pained feet (roller skating and the 3 short back-to-back-to-back runs Monday and Tuesday?) and woke up with a sharply pained metatarsel/phalange in the 5th toe. Sharp, like a stress fracture or something acute. Sitting here now and all of today -  no pain. But now I'm sick-to-my-stomach nervous about it. Like, right when I start to find a plan or a habit or something -- something else comes up to disrupt it. This week is supposed to be the "First Week of The 13.1M Training" and I'm debating whether or not I'm injured. 

Today, so far better on that front. But today another Discussion about .... with LA.... and we keep having this and why do I always come away feeling like the Defective part? Because I am? I thought I was Different. Not Defective. It took years to get over the Defective label I had on myself and now it's back. I'm Wrong. Not Right. Need To Be Fixed. Again. 

Totally undercuts the 'self of steam'. Which hurts worse, a potential bone injury or to feel like you're some Defective part? The latter. The bone fracture will heal. I've been Defective for as long as I've known. 

So my self esteem low today. 

In other news, today is day 7!! We had PB and oats last night and they survived. So did my streak. I have the PB to the dog :)

And my streak of no breakfast blipped today as I came downstairs feeling awful and dragging, sick to my stomach a bit and weak, so I ate the oats I made last night. Still full! Let's see if increasing carbs improves my energy and constantly-feeling coldness. I feel like nothing is working for me. Like all avenues just lead to failure. Athletics. Nutrition. Relationship.